Mara pushed the thought away. She was not the kind of woman who needed a man to feel complete. She was independent, in all the best senses of the word. And yet...there was something about this man that made her feel as if she could be even more.
It was a scary thought. Almost as scary as the thought of never having his lips on hers again.
Something brushed against her leg, and it snapped Mara back to her grandmother’s kitchen. Kissing James.
God, this was so not the point of this evening. The point of this evening wasn’t to rekindle the lust-fest the two of them had going two years ago, it was...
She drew away from him. “That shouldn’t have happened.”
Zeke patted her leg again. He thrust one of the blocks up toward her. Mara took it, then gathered the little boy into her arms.
“This isn’t about us anymore. It’s about him,” she said and buckled him into the high chair. “We have to think of him first.”
CHAPTER NINE
IT SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN this hard not to touch him.
Mara shoved her hands in the pockets of her shorts. She and James were walking in the orchard with Zeke. It was Sunday morning, less than twelve hours since he’d met his son for the first time, and it was as if he’d been a father for years.
When Zeke was born, it had taken her a couple of months to get to that comfort level with the little boy. Being a first time, single mom and being a buddy to a toddler weren’t exactly the same things, but it still pained her that James and Zeke seemed to be adjusting to one another without any problems at all.
It was sickening how quickly he had adapted to being a father. Sickening and sexy, and that was trouble on a whole other level.
The sexy thing was flat-out unfair. New mothers got bags under their eyes and stretch marks and sagging skin. Her breasts had gotten bigger, but so had her hips, and so far no amount of sit-ups or yoga poses had flattened her stomach. The changes to her body didn’t bother her, not really. But the fact that nothing about parenting seemed to be bugging James did.
As a new father, James had broad shoulders, washboard abs, and a voice that still sent prickles up and down her spine. After those few minutes together on the living room floor when she’d left to get the book, it was as if the two of them had always known one another. Zeke accepted his new playmate; James seemed to accept his new daddy role.
He had to be angry with her, but he hid the mad well. Other than that moment when he kissed her out of anger. He needed to get really mad. Not just grab her and kiss her mad, but really angry. Yelling mad. Shutting her out of his life mad. She could deal with outrage. She was prepared for anger. His reaction so far was throwing off her game.
He picked Zeke up and settled the boy on his shoulders as if he weren’t also carrying a backpack. They crossed from the peach trees to the apples, and it was as if they crossed a line. The peach trees were fully grown and bearing fruit. Many of what would have been fully grown apple trees were stumps, and saplings were now planted where the bigger trees once stood. The tornado did significant damage here, and it was hard to see, to know that their grandparents’ work was destroyed. But Collin, dedicated man that he was, was fixing the situation.
“I think this is a good spot,” she said when they reached an area filled with bigger trees to offer shade from the summer sunshine.
James set Zeke on the ground, and the little boy squatted to run his hands through the thick carpet of grass. James took the backpack—full of picnic foods and a blanket—from his shoulders. Mara spread the oversize blanket under a tree. It was all just...too domestic, as though they’d been an actual couple with a child from the beginning.
He rested his back against a tree, watching their son as he explored the area around them. Zeke followed a white butterfly for a moment, until it went too high in the sky. Then he bent as if looking for another in the grass at his feet.
“How do you do it?” His question caught her off guard.
“Gran made the sandwiches. I just put the fruit in plastic baggies.”
James rolled his eyes at her. “You know what I mean. Single mom, full-time job.”
“You met my nanny. I wasn’t exactly alone. Cheryl traveled with us from that first job after maternity leave. She made it easy for me to do my job and be a parent.”
“Still, you never had a break.”
She sat on the blanket, watching Zeke for a long moment. Not once had she second-guessed her decision to have him. Oh, there had been moments—like when he cut his first tooth—when it would have been nice to have a partner. But for the most part, he was an easy, agreeable child, and she loved that he made her look at life differently.
Pre-Zeke, things had been all about her. The kind of life she wanted to lead, the kind of work she wanted to do. With Zeke, life was about more than a job or a paycheck. It was about the family she was creating, the family she had never really had despite Gran and Granddad’s best efforts. They had been great stand-in parents, but not even Ezekiel and Gladys could take the place of the parents who refused to make room in their lives for Mara or her siblings.
A smile stole across her face as she thought about the ways Zeke had changed her. “Who needs a break when you have someone like him?” she asked, pointing in his direction.
“I have to admit, I never pictured you as a mom.”
“Neither did I. I’d convinced myself I was too self-centered to be a parent.” Her gaze connected with his and for a moment, she wished things between them could have been different. That he wanted more than Slippery Rock or she wanted less than travel and new cities. She wasn’t a small-town girl, though, not really. She was the Tyler with itchy feet, like her parents. She couldn’t be happy here, not in the long run.
“What changed?”
“Him. It’s hard to think only about yourself when there is a helpless infant who’s depending on you for feedings and diaper changes, and who needs you to sing his favorite song when he’s not feeling well.”
“He has a favorite song?”
She nodded. “The one from Dumbo.”
“You hate that movie. In speech class, you refused to watch it because—”
“And the first time he cried, it was the one song that seemed appropriate.” Mara put her hands behind her, leaning back a little to keep Zeke in her line of sight while he continued his exploration of the apple orchard. The sun was high in the sky, burning off the last of the cooler morning. Before long, the orchard would be stifling, but right now it was perfect with a light breeze blowing through the leaves, and enough shade to keep the heat at bay. “It calmed him, and I may not watch that movie, but I do like that ‘Baby Mine’ song.”
James took a bottle of water from the backpack and drank. “I’ll have to remember that.”
“Just don’t watch the clip on YouTube. It’ll tear your heart out.” It had torn out hers. Seeing Mrs. Jumbo trying to get to her child, but being unable to reach him... Mara shook her head. She didn’t want to go down that road, not now. There were more important things to talk about, and this seemed as good a time as any. They were alone. Zeke was distracted with the clover in the grass and the butterflies in the air.
“Why aren’t you angrier with me?” she asked.
“Who says I’m not angry and just covering it up well? I did walk away from you. Twice.”
“And you came back. Twice.”
He plucked a stalk of grass from under the tree where he sat. “Why do you want me to be angry with you?” he said after a moment.
Mara shook her head. “James, I don’t want you to be angry, but anger is how most people would react.”
“Why do you need me to be like most people?”
“Why are you answering my question with other questions?”
He was quiet for so long, she thought he wouldn’t answer
at all. Then he folded his arms over his chest. “I don’t see the point in getting angry about something I can’t change. I can be angry with you, but what does that solve? You made a decision. Now we both have to live with it. But raking you over the coals about it for the foreseeable future? What does that really solve?”
“But you haven’t been angry at all.” That wasn’t normal. It couldn’t be normal, not even for a well-adjusted, possessing-two-parents man who had been voted most likely to succeed their senior year. And probably again during his years in college and at the police academy.
“What does anger solve? It won’t change the fact that you had our baby and didn’t tell me about him. It won’t change the fact that you disappeared out of our Nashville hotel room in the middle of the night—”
“Technically it was five in the morning.”
“Five in the morning,” he agreed. “I can get angry if you want me to, but what will that solve?”
It would make him more human, for one thing. It would give her something to focus on other than the more sticky emotions he made her feel. If he got angry, she could get angry. Then the uncomfortable emotions—the ones that told her a hundred times a day what an idiot she was for walking away from him—would be quieted. If she’d told him the truth about how she was feeling, she might have been with him when she learned about the pregnancy instead of in Florida. If she’d called or come home to tell him about the pregnancy... But she hadn’t. She’d been too confused and scared about what loving him meant.
“You sound like one of those internet memes,” she said. “‘What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.’”
“‘Except bears, bears will kill you dead,’” James quoted. “I like that meme.”
“You would.”
“Are you trying to piss me off? Because I’m not mad at you about something real and tangible?”
Mara started to object but bit back the words. Because she had been poking at him. Not hard, sharp pokes, but little ones. As if he were the bear and she had to make sure he was dead before he made her dead, like the meme.
“I would be furious,” she said, keeping her voice quiet even though there was no one around to hear them except Zeke. The little boy couldn’t have cared less what they were talking about; he was busy wandering after another white butterfly. “I would be filing papers and coming up with new and devious ways to get back at you.”
“That would only drive a wedge between the two most important people in his life right now. I don’t want to hate you, Mar. Once, I thought—” James snapped his mouth closed. He hadn’t used his nickname for her since he caught her in the revolving door at the grocery store, and it sent a shiver up her spine. Mara leaned toward him, but he kept those full lips pressed together.
Once he thought...what? Before she could ask, Zeke toddled toward them, making the sign for hungry with his little hands. Way to go, Mara. Get distracted talking to James and forget to feed your son.
That judgment wasn’t one hundred percent fair to her. It was just after noon, so the kid wasn’t starving by any stretch of the imagination. Still, they’d come out here for a picnic, not to dissect the feelings James had—or didn’t have—about the secret she had been keeping for the past year and a half. His feelings were his. Wasn’t that the first rule she’d learned in therapy? Not to project her feelings onto other people and not to project the feelings she assumed people had about her onto herself.
She wasn’t to blame for the way Samson and Maddie treated her siblings or her. James wasn’t wrong for refusing to be angry with her. It was strange and she didn’t understand it, but those were his feelings, not hers.
She put bottles of water and plastic containers with fruits, cheeses and bite-size portions of ham on the blanket, along with plates, napkins and cutlery. Then she settled Zeke with a plate. She handed another to James and waited while he filled it.
“I’m sorry,” she began, but he made an impatient gesture.
“I already told you, I don’t need any more apologizes about Zeke.”
“No, I’m sorry I keep pushing you to share your anger or mistrust or whatever it is you’re feeling. Those are your private emotions, and you don’t have to tell me about any of them.” She selected a bunch of grapes, a banana and a few cubes of Colby-Jack cheese. She offered the cube of cheese to Zeke before popping a grape in her mouth. She chewed and swallowed before speaking. “In therapy, I worked a lot on misplaced emotions, on self-esteem and on confronting the whole past, not just my interpretation of the past. I’m not your therapist, though.” She gave a small, self-conscious laugh. “I’m not a therapist at all, and I shouldn’t have tried to act like one.”
After a while, he nodded. “For what it’s worth, I was angry. When you first told me. I learned a long time ago not to rest on angry because it hides the most important emotions, the ones I’m still dealing with. I’m not angry that you kept Zeke a secret, Mar. I’m hurt that you thought you had to, that you thought I wouldn’t understand or couldn’t. But I’m not angry.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was just so afraid of what having a baby meant.” Hurting James had been the last thing on her mind. Protecting Zeke, making sure he had a stable upbringing and a parent who was focused on him—those had been her priorities. “I had a plan for my life, and it didn’t involve kids, and it didn’t involve long-term relationships—working or romantic. Finding out I was pregnant, it kind of changed all those plans.”
“And now?”
She smiled. “Now I’m finding that learning a new city every few weeks can be tiring, and it’s a pain in the butt to pack and unpack all our belongings every few weeks. I’m realizing how much I’ve missed my family, and even this town. I never thought I’d miss Slippery Rock.”
“It kind of grows on you.”
“Like moss.” Mara decided to go all the way. If she wanted honesty from James about his feelings, she might as well be honest with him about hers. Most of them, anyway. “My parents never had room in their lives for us. There was room only for Samson and Maddie, and we were the accessories they couldn’t get rid of. For a long time, I blamed myself for that. I got sick a lot as a kid, and I thought all the attention I needed was the reason they would leave for long periods. I thought I was too much.”
“It wasn’t you,” James said. He fisted his hands, the knuckles turning white.
“I know that now. Therapy helped me come to terms with their narcissism and my own self-esteem issues. But before that, when I found out about the pregnancy, all I could think about was how they’d neglected us. That trip to Nashville...you and I were supposed to stay for only two days, and a week later we were still in that same hotel room. Still getting lost in conversation over dinner. How many times did our servers have to tell us they were closing?” She shook her head. “That bubble we were in scared me at the time—it was too much like Samson and Maddie, and I had to leave. When I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified. It felt like I was repeating the cycle.” She ruffled Zeke’s hair. “I hadn’t met him yet, but I knew I couldn’t let him believe he wasn’t wanted, that he was too much. So I decided to keep it quiet. To fix the things that were wrong with me, and then, when I was stronger, let you in. But the longer I kept quiet, the harder it was to say anything.”
“And so you didn’t.”
“Not until the tornado. The senseless and instant destruction proved how precious time is and reminded me we have no guarantees of tomorrow. I was so scared that I’d waited too long. That you would be hurt, or someone in my family. I had to come home to face all of you.” Mara pushed her plate, the food half-eaten, away. “I can deal with you hating me, James. I deserve it. But don’t let that turn your emotions against him, too. Please.”
She could handle whatever he wanted to dish out, for herself. But Zeke was innocent in this situation. He deserved better. This little boy who had he
lped her finally grow up deserved the absolute best.
“I don’t hate him, Mar. And I don’t hate you. You were my best friend for a long time. Based on that history alone, I couldn’t hate you.”
“Okay, then. We’ll figure the rest out.” And maybe while they were figuring out how to be co-parents to their child, she could find a way to get over the attraction she still felt for him.
* * *
GOD, HE WAS such a liar. Such an idiot.
He didn’t hate her. He truly didn’t. But what he did feel when he was around Mara was much worse. He was still attracted to her, and that was so far from okay he couldn’t even see the okay target he was aiming for. How could he still be attracted to her after she walked out on him and kept his child from him?
Sure, they had a friendship-based history, but damn. Friendship didn’t mean he had to forget she had never felt about him the way that he felt about her, Nashville or no Nashville. Whatever she’d been feeling had made her walk away. He hadn’t walked away, despite realizing he loved her. Was in love with her.
Mara chased Zeke behind a tree. The little boy giggled and laughed when she peeked her head around the trunk and roared like a dinosaur.
Two years ago, he had been ready to propose something deeper than an every-few-months booty call. He had been ready to suggest that she come back to Missouri. Not Slippery Rock. As much as he loved the place, there was very little call for her kind of work here. But she could have found a job in Springfield or Joplin. Long commutes to work weren’t ideal, but they could have made it work. If she had only stayed.
She didn’t stay. She wasn’t staying now. He had to keep that in mind. It didn’t matter that they’d been friends for more than half their lives. It didn’t even matter that for three of those years they’d been lovers. What mattered was the fact that they now shared a child who deserved better than living in hotel rooms or short-term apartments. He could give Zeke a solid, steady life in Slippery Rock.
James popped a grape in his mouth as he watched Mara and the little boy chasing one another around the trees. She was so carefree here. Why couldn’t she see how good Slippery Rock would be for Zeke?
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