Eva ducked her head, staring at the blanket between her crossed legs.
"I've been thinking a lot about this stuff, lately, and Bax and I have had a lot of really brutal conversations trying to keep things open and honest between us. In some ways, we didn't want to come back here and try to be a couple around all of you when we still only barely knew each other. So we took the time we needed to learn about each other. Which meant both of us opening up about a lot of things. Such as that I now have undeniable confirmation of the fact that my father never really loved me. I believe my mother loved me but only insofar as it suited Father's plans. Thomas...well...that part at least is obvious--I was only ever a means to an end for him.
"So when I came here to Ketchikan on my own and met Bax, I leaped--somewhat recklessly, I might add--into a relationship with him. But really letting him love me? That's going to be harder. We knew we had these strong emotions for each other, and we knew we had a crazily intense physical connection, but the kind of love that allows people to...to really be together, in terms of a healthy lifelong romance--a real marriage...well, that's a little different.
"It's easy to have sex, easy to say we love each other, but sometimes he wants to take care of me, and I don't want to be taken care of because that's all I've ever known, whereas for Bax, he's always been totally independent and has never had anyone to take care of, never had anyone that needed him. So...there's a disconnect there."
I blinked at her. "That's...um...are you sure you're not a relationship counselor? Because that's...it's the most self-aware statement I've ever heard."
Eva blushed and shrugged a shoulder. "Like I said, we've spent a lot of time over the past few months trying to figure out how to have a meaningful relationship. And I know to a lot of people Baxter comes across as this big, brutish, hard-headed, hard-fisted monster who thinks only about things like football and working out and whatever...but he's actually very sensitive and very thoughtful. At least, he is with me. He's also surprisingly articulate and intelligent."
I glanced around the bedroom. "When Cane and I first came in here we were somewhat surprised to see all these books," I admitted.
"So was I, my first time in here. I think he intentionally allows people to make assumptions about him. It keeps people away. He's only ever been close to his brothers, and I think he has a hard time forming relationships with anyone, male or female. I get the sense he wasn't really buddy-buddy with the guys on his football team, and I've never known anyone to call, text, email, or visit him. Except his brothers, and now me. He keeps everyone away."
"Why do you think that is?"
She tipped her head to one side. "Well, this is mostly conjecture, and it's just between you and me, right? The boys' mother died when they were very young--you've known them your whole life so I assume you know this?"
I nodded. "She died of brain cancer, I think. It hit hard and fast, took her within a matter of weeks after the diagnosis." I let out a soft breath, thinking. "We were...ten, I think? It really messed everyone up. It was so unexpected, you know? Like, Mrs. Badd was...I barely remember her, but she was just this sweet, kind, beautiful woman. She absolutely adored the boys. And then suddenly she was sick, and then Corin and Canaan told us she'd been diagnosed with brain cancer and was going to die soon, and then, bam, she was gone. It was devastating for Tate and I just because we knew her and loved her--she was like a second mom to us. For the boys?" I groaned. "There are not enough words to explain how hard it was on them--on the whole family, in fact. It messed them all up."
"Exactly," Eva said. "All of them in different ways. Their mom dying has left terrible emotional scars on all eight of them, and for Baxter it manifests itself as an inability to form relationships with anyone except his brothers, who have been the only people he's allowed to love and accept him. I understand their dad didn't take his wife's passing very well."
I laughed, a bitter sound. "How could he? Mr. Badd was always...well, Bast reminds me of him a lot, actually. Big, burly, gruff, sort of hard to read, but once you get to know him he turns out to be a sweetie, under that bear-like exterior. Mr. Badd was like that. He'd always been a fixture behind that bar, for as long as anyone in this town could remember. His dad, the boys' grandfather, had worked at the bar, ended up buying it from his former employer, built the apartment above it, and he and Mr. Badd ran it together until Grandpa Badd died in...the eighties, I think? That was when Mr. Badd changed the name to Badd's Bar and Grill, and moved his wife and Bast and Zane into the apartment. So, my point is, Mr. Badd ran the bar basically by himself until Bast was old enough to help. So anytime we'd show up to play with Canaan and Corin, Mr. Badd was back there behind that bar, sipping a glass of something, watching sports, shooting the shit with the regulars. But when their mom died, Mr. Badd...he shut down. Gave up. All he knew how to do was drink and work--and usually both together--from open to close. Bast became the other boys' de facto parent. Doing laundry, getting everyone to school on time, lunches, all that. I remember it all, at least, until our Mom married Bob and moved us to Manhattan."
"So Bax's mom died, and then his dad checks out of his life..." Eva trailed off meaningfully.
"Psychologist says...abandonment issues," I said.
"Exactly." She looked at me carefully. "We all have issues. Like I said earlier, we're all messed up about something. It may not be my place to say this, but...I think you need to give Canaan a chance. You can't let past hurts and fears keep you from enjoying what could be a life-changing relationship. It's worth it, Aerie. It really is."
"What's worth it?" I asked, even though I knew what she was getting at.
"Love. I left my former life to be with Bax. Everything I know, literally, even my clothes. I am completely on my own, penniless, disowned by my family...no college, no career, no home, no friends." She held up a hand to stop my interruption. "It's terrifying, Aerie. It's utterly terrifying. What if this doesn't work out with Bax and me? What if he turns out not to be the man I think he is? What if there's something wrong with me? What if I'll never learn how to trust him, how to let him love me? What if I never find anything meaningful and worthwhile to do as a career? What if, what if, what if--I'm full of them. They run through my head all day, every day."
"And being with Baxter is worth all that?" I asked, my very doubt and skepticism rife and obvious in my voice. "No bullshit, Eva."
"No bullshit?" She met my eyes, and I couldn't help but see--and envy--the sincerity I saw there. "Absolutely. I risked everything to choose Bax, and I have no regrets. Doubts and fears that will take time to sort through, yes, but regrets? No."
"Why? How?" I whispered. "I don't get it. I mean, Bax is great, but...to leave behind everything you had, everything you've ever known, for a man you knew, what...weeks?"
She laughed. "Not even. Like I said, what I've done is...on the surface and by all accounts, it's totally nuts. Crazy, reckless, foolish...choose your word. It is absolutely all of that. But...it's right. I just know it in my blood and bones. Baxter loves me, and I love him. Not to say this is going to be easy, that there won't be times I will feel regret, but it will be worth it. I just...I know it."
A shuddering sob escaped me. "I'm envious. I don't think I'm capable of that."
"Of what?"
"Of that kind of bravery, that kind of...gamble. That kind of assurance."
"There's no reward without risk," Eva said, after a brief pause. "That's a truism I heard my father say a thousand times in reference to politics and business. I think it's true in life as well, Aerie."
"I don't doubt that, but...I just don't know if I can do it. I'm too scared."
"Of what?"
"God...everything! Being rejected again. I don't think I could survive it if I told Canaan I was...if I told Canaan that I'm falling for him. It would just wreck me beyond what Lex has already done to me."
"You don't think Canaan would be worth it?"
"If anyone could be, he is." I ducked my head. "But I'm too afr
aid to find out."
7
Canaan
* * *
After Eva whisked Aerie away and locked the door behind them, I was left standing in the hallway alone, replaying Aerie's confession to me in my head.
God, what the fuck, though? I mean, we all do dumb shit in our lives, but...what Aerie said just completely baffles me. I don't get it, at all. I mean, how could she think a secret relationship with a famous celebrity twelve years her senior could possibly turn into a love relationship? We're all a bit stupid and naive when we're eighteen, but that's...ridiculous. And then to get pregnant by him? And have an abortion?
Jesus.
I don't even know what to think. What to feel. It's all a chaotic maelstrom in my head, and I don't know how make sense of any of it.
I hear their voices on the other side of the door, Eva's and Aerie's, and I wonder what they're talking about. Me? Us?
Is there an us?
Was there ever an us? Could there ever be an us between Aerie and me?
I left the hallway, because I had to get away from this whole...thing. From Aerie and her story, from how I feel about it. About her. My mind's not in a place where I know how to even begin figuring out how I feel about her story, and about her, and I don't even want to try, right now.
I headed downstairs to the studio, plugged in my guitar, turned on the amp, plugged in my headphones, and played. But it doesn't do any good, not like it usually does.
My head just keeps...spinning.
My heart keeps aching.
Nothing makes any sense, and yet, it all makes too much sense.
It hurts.
The way she won't let us go deep, won't let us talk about what we are, what we could be...it's all tangled up in the whole business with Lex Landon. But there's more.
Aerie and Tate's dad left them when they were just little girls, old enough to remember and old enough to be hurt by it, but not old enough to understand. He'd already been gone a few years when Mom died, so he's only a vague recollection to me. But him leaving the girls, it's not something they ever talk about. Like, ever.
But look at them.
Tate was always a little boy crazy, something she'd admit herself. I won't say she was a slut, but she liked sex and wasn't shy about it, but none of the guys she was ever with were boyfriends. In fact, I don't think Tate ever really had a boyfriend. Just...a string of guys she hooked up with. And then she gets pregnant with Corin. The only male who has ever been a stable, consistent figure in her life.
I mean, when we went on that trip to the cabin, we all knew exactly what was going on--we were going there to have sex. I knew it, Cor knew it, and the girls both damn well knew it...yet Tate "forgets" her birth control? I'm not saying she planned it, but...it seems awful convenient. She's been desperate for a man to love her. And when Corin lets her see that he does--or that he could--she latches on and doesn't let go. Like I said, I'm not saying it's a ploy, just that...there are daddy issues at play here.
Then there's Aerie--responsible, thinks things through, emotionally stable...and doesn't let guys get close. Now that I've heard her story, thinking back to high school...she never really dated all that much. Not in any real sense. She'd meet for dinner or coffee, or go to the mall with a guy, but it never panned out into anything. I remember one guy who asked her out--and actually went out with her--saying she was just...cold. Nice, friendly, polite, sexy...but just...cold and closed off. Being Aerie's friend, I never saw that side of her. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that she very, very rarely showed any truly deep emotions--her stuff was all fairly surface.
The few guys I know for a fact she hooked up with in high school got sent packing within days. She just never let anyone close. Why? Her dad didn't want her, her dad walked away and never looked back, so why should any other guy be any different, right? I mean, I'm no therapist, obviously, but I've watched enough Dr. Phil to understand how that works, and it certainly applies here. And then, at the tender age of eighteen, she meets a good-looking, famous, and probably charming man who shows her what it feels like to be wanted, at least physically, and she's smitten. Infatuated. Maybe even really in love, as much as she could be when she knew literally nothing about the man.
I don't know. I just know that, according to her, the second she showed him any true feelings, wha-BAM, he ghosted. But he didn't just ghost; he left a knife in her back on the way out. And THEN, oh...and then, pregnant with evidence of his douchery, she goes to him and is told to get rid of it. Which she does. I mean, why wouldn't she? Eighteen, with the world in the palm of her hand, beautiful, on the rise as a model, brutally rejected by a man she thought she was in love with, a man she'd hoped would sweep her off her feet, who then had turned out to be married and just using her for her body...god, of course she's gonna have an abortion. Erase all the evidence of her mistake, and try to pretend it never happened.
God...damn, though.
But what does all this have to do with me? What am I supposed to do?
She won't let me close.
Physically, yes. That's easy. But if she won't talk about us, if she won't risk even trying to find out what we could have? Fuck. What chance is there? And do I even want that? I don't know. I don't know. I'm so mixed up.
I abruptly set down my guitar and go back upstairs, determined to face her with this. I stop, with my fist poised to knock on the door.
I heard Aerie's voice. "I don't doubt that, but...I just don't know if I can do it. I'm too scared."
Eva's response: "Of what?"
"God...everything! Being rejected again. I don't think I could survive it if I told Canaan I was...if I told Canaan that I'm falling for him. It would just wreck me beyond what Lex already did to me if I got rejected again."
"You don't think Canaan would be worth it?"
A pause.
"If anyone could be, he is. But I'm too afraid to find out."
A knife, straight to my heart.
Too afraid to find out. I could be worth it, but she's too afraid to find out.
Meaning, in plain terms...I'm not worth the risk.
I don't cry, like ever. But I feel sick to my stomach. My eyes ache, and burn. If I'm not worth it to Aerie...then who will I ever be worth it to? Who could ever understand me like her? The answer is no one.
I don't know for sure since we haven't talked, but Corin is out of the business, I'm pretty sure. He's gonna settle down here in Ketchikan with Tate and be a dad and that's gonna be it. So where does that leave me? Nowhere. Fucking...nowhere. By myself, what do I have to offer musically? We always wrote our songs together, the music, the lyrics, everything. Our act was entirely based on us. Without that...?
Fuck.
I ran--actually literally ran--out of the apartment and found myself in the alley behind Badd's. I slid down to my butt, holding my head in my hands, my entire life whirling, spinning, twisting, and flying out of orbit.
So, let's recap: Aerie is too scared of rejection or whatever to be willing to be with me, and Corin is going to settle down for a quiet life in Alaska.
I admit the whole relationship with Aerie is important and scary at the same time. But right now all I can see is that I'm going to be left with a broken heart and no future.
Fuck this.
Operating on instinct, I dig my phone out of my pocket, find the contact entry I'm looking for, and dial the number. It rings a couple of times, and then he picks up.
"Canaan, what up, dude? I was just about to call you, funny enough."
"Hey, Mike. You were, huh? What about?"
"Well, uh...you know, me and the guys, we've been together as Nitro Punch for a minute, right? Like, we've been touring since the early two-thousands. We were just a bunch of kids when we first got signed, and now I'm an old fuck."
I laughed. "Mike, you're a couple years older than me at most, buddy."
He snorted. "I'm well past thirty, bro. I just age well. All the whiskey, I guess."
"
Oh. Okay, so you're old. What's that got to do with me?"
"Nice. You're not supposed to agree that I'm old, you asshole," he said with a chuckle. "Anyway, we're putting Nitro Punch on hold for a bit. We all have solo projects or other shit we're interested in right now, and I figure this is as good a time as any to put together a little project to explore the less heavy end of music, know what I mean?"
I was silent a minute. "What are you asking, Mike?"
"I know you guys got some shit going on in Alaska right now, but I'm relocating to Seattle which ain't that far from you, and I was hoping you could pop down here for a minute and jam with me. I got one other guy lined up, a strings dude. Plays, like, the mando and the dobro and all that shit, and I know you can play a few different instruments, and you may or may not know this, but I can play the keys too. So...whaddya say, buddy? Wanna get your folk on?"
I laughed, hard. "Mike, you have no idea how ironic it is that you say this."
"Ironic? Why's that?"
"Because I was calling to see if you guys were interested in adding me to your lineup for a while. I need a change of pace. I...I've got some shit going on here, and I need to clear my head."
Mike grunted, and I heard what sounded like a cap being flipped off a bottle of beer. "So," he said, after taking a drink. "That girl you sang with--"
"Mike?" I interrupted.
"Don't ask?"
"Don't ask."
"Shit, buddy, I got women troubles enough of my own. Come on down to Seattle. Text me when you're at Sea-Tac and I'll pick you up and we'll go drink ourselves stupid, play some tunes, and forget all about our women troubles."
I'm a coward, I'm a coward, I'm a coward.
"Sounds good," I said. "I'll be down there on the first flight I can get."
"Damn dude, I was thinking it'd be next week. Or, like, tomorrow."
"Like I said, I'm dealing with some shit, and I just..."
"Don't wanna deal anymore."
"Exactly."
"No worries, Cane." A pause. "So...this is just you, then?"
Badd Mojo Page 9
