by Kellie Bean
"So I guess we're not having lunch together then?"
I close my eyes, wincing a little when the memory hits me. Sarah had texted me on the weekend, before Jen's party even, to have lunch today. That feels like so long ago now.
"I'm so sorry. I completely forgot. It's been a really weird few days."
Sarah scoffs. Like she actually makes that bizarre coughing, ‘I can't believe you just said that’ noise. "A weird few days? Really? Reilly, I've barely seen you for more than a few minutes at a time for months now. You're always busy with Rosie. And even when you're around, you're staring off in space probably thinking about Rosie. And when it's not Rosie, it's your family. I didn't want to say anything, because you've always been awesome before, and I dunno. I just didn't want to make things weird. But come on."
I'm stunned. I didn't see this coming at all. But I guess that's kind of the problem. "I'm so sorry. I've just had a lot going on."
"Yeah, I've had a lot going on too. It's senior year, Reilly. Everyone has a lot going on. That's kind of the point. We're all making big decisions and trying to balance dating and family... and friends."
My eyes threatening to water, all I can do is stare at her, trying to find words to make this better. I'm used to being the one stepping in when someone gets pissed off, trying to smooth things over. And my sisters probably get annoyed with me sometimes... but I'm not even sure I remember the last time that happened.
How long has it been since someone's been this mad at me?
I just wish I didn't deserve it.
I know she's right. Even if I could make an argument for why I forgot about our plans today, it's obvious she's been dealing with this since before the weekend.
And I've been MIA for a while now.
If someone had asked me even yesterday what I considered my strengths to be, my list would have been all about how I'm the kind of person people can count on. I'm kind. I'm a good friend, a good sister.
Or I was.
How do I just keep screwing everything up?
I press my lips together, willing my body to hold it together long enough to get out of here.
My face feels hot, and my palms are sweaty. So far, my body is losing this battle.
A puff of air escapes through Sarah's lips. "Don't cry." Her voice softens a little. "I think you're awesome. If I didn't I probably wouldn't care that you're never around anymore. You know?"
I nod. I'll agree to basically anything she says at this point.
"Anyway, I'll leave you to whatever."
I wait a beat before speaking, just long enough that I'm sure my voice won't shake. "I'll stay. We can grab lunch like we were supposed to. My treat."
"Nah. I'm going to go do my own thing, or maybe find Donnalee. Maybe next time, yeah?"
"Sure. Of course. Just text me and I'll be there."
I'm silently hoping she'll agree, or stay a little longer or just smile. I don't know. But as quick as Sarah appeared, she's gone, running back toward the building with her coat up around her neck to protect from the growing cold. It's the same cold that's currently battering my face in harsh gusts. The feeling is bitter and sharp, but I probably deserve it.
Staring up at the sky, I try and will myself to see this as a wakeup call. A reminder to do better.
And yet all I can do is replay the past several weeks in my mind. How many times have I made a point of seeing friends here? When's the last time I reached out to my friends back in Richmond?
Not enough on either count. There are countless decisions I made that now, looking back, just seem wrong on so many levels.
I'm in way over my head and am screwing up on every front.
Three girls I don't know pass by, talking with their heads bowed down close to one another. The one in the middle, with sleek black hair and cheekbones that Reece would kill for, gives me a strange look as they pass. Probably because I'm just standing in the middle of the parking lot like a weirdo.
I smile and mouth a hello before grabbing my phone from my pocket like this is what I was out here for all along.
I'd hoped to be home already. I've lost precious time. And there's almost no chance I'd actually be able to fall asleep now. Instead I'd end up in bed, or on the couch, reliving this whole conversation or stressing about the fact that I haven't fallen asleep yet.
I might as well stay.
Instead of going to find anyone, since I'd already told them I was busy at lunch, I disappear into the first girl's bathroom I find. Not to pee or wash my hands. But just for a chance to be alone for a second.
The room is eerily quiet, no rustling coming from any of the stalls.
I slip in through the first open door and drop my bag on the bathroom floor, trying hard not to think about how dirty it must be. Or how dirty the wall is as I lean back against it, accidentally banging my head slightly as my body just about crumples.
Tears are streaming freely down my face, but not a single sound escapes my lips.
I'm just so tired. Of not getting enough sleep. Of not making the right decisions. Of just not being enough.
Is this who I am now? Just a person so wrapped up in her own bullshit that she doesn't notice any of the people that matter to her? I didn't notice that I'd hurt Sarah. Or that Reece and John had been struggling. Or that Aunt Grace was sick. There have already been too many times when I let Rosie down because I haven't been able to keep track of everything that's important to me.
I smack my head a little harder against the concrete wall, and instantly regret it. Ow.
Now I'm just an idiot too? Great.
I honestly don't know why anyone puts up with me.
Damnit!
The door to the bathroom creaks open. I'm still crying but I scramble off the floor, hoping that whoever came in didn't notice me on the floor of my stall.I take a seat on the toilet.
Yeah, I'm hiding in a bathroom stall. I tell myself it's only until whoever this is leaves, just so no one will ever know about my little bathroom breakdown.
But whoever the girl is, she pees, washes her hands and leaves, and I don't move.
I can't move. I'm just not ready to go back out into the world.
For right now, here's good.
Here is quiet and free of any expectations. I'm not supposed to be anywhere or see anyone, besides that thing I already messed up.
The warning bell rings almost an hour later, and I'm still sitting. I've cried on and off for nearly an hour now, and I don't feel done.
I still have time to get to class. One more class, then the day is done and I can finally go home and get some sleep. I'll even take one of my sister’s beds just to make sure I can actually have a decent nap away from the living room.
Once I'm sure the bathroom is empty again, I force myself up, and pick up my bag.
But as soon as my hand hits the door, a fresh sob threatens to overwhelm me, bubbling up from inside my chest like a volcano ready to burst.
I'm such a damn mess.
I count to thirty, promising myself the whole way that as soon as I get to zero, I'll go and face the music.
The bell rings at twenty-eight. I'm already late for class.
And I really, really don't want to go back out there.
The second I decide not to go, I feel better. I can spend a few more minutes here in my own gross little hideaway.
I sit back down and grab my phone, letting my mind go blank as I scroll endlessly through Twitter, Facebook, and whatever I can find.
I haven't had a text from Rosie in a while, but she has a test this period and has been studying all day.
Maybe I'm feeling brave, or maybe I'm just too tired to stop myself. But I'm trying to do better, so I decide to take a leap.
Reilly: I hope your test went amazing xox! I'm having kind of a crummy day and am currently hiding out in the girls bathroom beside the science hall. Come find me after class?
I regret the message as soon as I send it, feeling vulnerable and exposed. But every time I thi
nk about leaving this stall, my heart starts to pick up its pace all over again. At this rate, I'm going to live here.
And if there's one person who can remind me of how much is out there, beyond this bathroom, it's the girl that I'm in love with.
What?
That's the first time I've thought that. I love Rosie?
I love Rosie.
Yeah. I really do. I just wish I hadn't realized it in this particular place.
But I've gone and done it. I've fallen in love.
The idea is a bright spot in my otherwise still dark and twisty mind.
My phone buzzes, grabbing my attention.
Rosie: Finished the test early. On my way.
My heart might actually skip a beat when I realize she's headed toward here. The girl I love is coming to rescue me from whatever mess it is I've gotten myself into.
Right.
Still, I don't want Rosie to have to crawl in after me to get me out of here. It's time to go.
Back to reality.
I pick up my bag all over again and almost throw myself out the door a second later. No time to think, no time to wonder if I'd be better off as a permanent bathroom dweller.
I almost fly into another girl who comes in from the main hall at the same time I leave my stall, but manage to swing myself around her and into the sink.
Rosie shows up as I finish washing my hands.
"Rye," she says softly. "What's up?"
"Everything's good," I say right away,
"Huh? I thought..."
I tilt my head toward the stall door beside me, trying to send her the message that we're not alone.
Her face contorts from pretty to confused (and still pretty) but she doesn't argue.
Gently, I press my hand into hers. "Let's go." I'm still feeling shaky from my head to my toes to my heart, but I'm also ready to get out of here.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Rosie and I move through the still empty hallway, with a thousand and one thoughts threatening to spill out of my mouth at once. Thankfully though, I manage to reel myself back in. At least for now.
When the bell rings, signalling the end of the last class of the day, I almost start crying all over again. Mostly because I'm about ready to jump out of my own skin. At least it's enough to startle me back to thinking straight.
When we make it back outside, I try to put everything I'm thinking into words that make sense.
"I keep screwing up. I'm so tired. Everything is just so wrong," I blurt out.
That almost made sense.
Seconds before my outburst, I realize that my whole body is already waiting for the moment when Rosie's hand reaches mine. It's something I can count on, it’s something steady.
Her fingers squeeze mine and I feel a little better.
"Did you want to come over for a bit?" I ask. "We could talk, or just watch a movie or something and not even think."
Rosie bites her lip, and her eyes dart toward the road nearby with its endless line of cars waiting to collect kids.
"I can't. I promised my dad we'd go see a movie tonight, and—"
"Right! I'm sorry. I totally forgot." Which of course makes me feel horrible all over again.
Rosie has been talking about how weird things have been with her and her dad for months now. In the last few weeks, she's finally felt like they've had a bit of a breakthrough. She's been looking forward to this and I forgot.
"You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. Nothing, Reilly. Anyone would be off their game after a weekend like the one you had. You already push yourself way too hard. I think I know your family well enough now to say it's pretty much a Donovan thing."
"Hmm?" Maybe it's the fog floating around in my mind, but I have no idea what she's talking about.
On one hand, Rosie holds up three fingers.
"Reece with soccer, maybe with guys too. Rhiannon with school. You with other people. You all put everything you have into the thing you're most passionate about. Sometimes to the point where you can all drive yourselves, and each other, kind of nuts."
I know it's beside the point, but I can't help asking the obvious question.
"What about Reagan?"
"Uh, City of Ages, I guess? I'm not sure. Maybe she just hasn't found her thing yet and she'll eventually drive herself to exhaustion too. Right now, I'm just worried about you."
"Nope, none of that," I respond as I put a smile back on my face. "Go have fun with your dad. I'll be totally fine. I've got a house full of people that have spent hours talking about their problems to me; I'm sure someone will happily return the favor."
Rosie frowns.
"I don't know. It feels like this might need a little distance. Your whole family is going through something big right now. You're all figuring out how you feel about it. I think I have an idea,” she says.
Too quickly, Rosie drops my hand, using it to type a message into her phone.
"Any hints?" I ask.
I'm not sure my nerves can take much more right now.
"Oh. Right. I'm just asking my dad if he can pick me up at the diner. I told him I forgot something there."
"We're going to the diner?"
"Yup."
"...Any more hints?"
"I'm kind of making this up as I go along. Trust me, okay?"
"Always."
I do. I trust Rosie completely. Still, that doesn't stop all the questions and possible answers that spin through my mind as the two of us escape the chaos of Fairview High after school, swapping it for the relentless routine of Main Street.
Lizzie's is usually somewhat busy right after school, since they've got cheap fries and free drink refills. I stand in line with a group of freshmen while Rosie disappears into the kitchen, not bothering to wait for permission. A nice perk of your mom owning the place.
It's not long before Rosie returns with a glass in her hand, her mom on her heals. From across the room she gestures with her head for me to come over. Still mostly confused, I do as I've been asked, passing a few empty tables to stop at a small, two-seater spot near a back window.
"Hello," I say to Rosie's mom once I'm closer, offering a polite smile. To Rosie, I say, "I thought your dad was picking you up right after school?"
Blushing a little, she looks at her feet.
"He is." She puts the glass down on the table, which I realize is full to the top with the diner's thick, chocolate milkshake recipe. "I know you needed someone today. Since I can't be here for you at the moment, I didn't want to just leave you alone. So, I'm trying for the next best thing. This is what I do when I'm having a shitty day."
Lizzie's gaze shifts to what looks like it could be an eye roll, yet she she doesn't interrupt Rosie.
"I come here, get a milkshake and talk to my mom. The talking to my mom part is totally optional. I just wanted you to know that we're here for whatever you need. Anyway! I've really got to go. Dad hates coming here."
Rosie leans over into her mother for a partial hug, then leans over to plant a kiss on the top of my head. It almost melts me.
Not sure what else I can do, I take a seat at the table and face the door, watching as Rosie and her mom walk out. When Rosie slips away, a little of the pressure from earlier falls right back on my shoulders. To my surprise, Lizzie doesn't go right back to work. Instead, she takes the other seat. Now I don't know what to do with my hands. Or my face. Or my voice. Even though I've been dating her daughter for a while now, I still feel like there's no way Rosie's mom can possibly approve of my dating her, of turning her whole life upside down.
As always though, she's nothing but nice. "Sorry about that," she says to kick things off.
"Sorry? About what?"
"I know Rosie put you on the spot there. I have to admit, I think it's incredibly sweet that even though my little girl is about to go off to college, she still sees me as the be-all and end-all to fixing problems."
That hadn't even occurred to me.
"Oh, you're right. That's actuall
y pretty adorable. Rosie's the best."
Her mom nods definitively.
"She really is. Now, you're totally welcome to stay put and finish your milkshake. If you do have anything you need to chat about, or anything else at all, you only have to say so. I’ll be here."
"Thank you, so much." I say it with no intention of taking her up on the offer.
Lizzie hasn’t made any attempt to move. She’s just sitting there, not going back to work. I smile again, the awkwardness I'm feeling growing by the second.
Now I'm just looking for something to fill the silence. Or maybe I'm trying to make her happy by opening up. Perhaps deep down I really do need to talk. Either way, the floodgates open.
I tell her everything, starting from Aunt Grace, and working my way backwards. Things that I didn't even know were bothering me come spilling out. I already feel awful for potentially over-sharing about my family, I just can't make myself shut up. Still, the more I talk, the more I realize that the things that are coming up have less to do with them and more to do with me.
The only thing I don't tell her is the fact I've figured out that I'm in love with her daughter. There's someone else that needs to hear that first. I even try to keep Rosie out of all of this completely, even though by now she touches every part of my life. Which probably explains why she keeps sneaking into everything.
I can't help it. She makes everything better.
Every time I stop to breathe or take a sip of my milkshake, Rosie's mom nods or smiles. She does something to make sure I know she's still listening. She never steps in with ideas or a game plan, not the way Reece would. She doesn't offer a detailed analysis of every person in every situation, like Rhiannon might. She doesn't change the topic after a few minutes like Reagan does sometimes. Instead, she does for me what I always try to do for my sisters. She just listens. Which turns out to be exactly what I need.
My phone beeps with a text message. It’s Dad, he wants to know where I am. I quickly respond, realizing that half an hour has already gone by.
"Oh wow. I didn't mean to take up so much of your time. I'm sure you have to be working or something."
"Yet," Lizzie says, holding up a hand, "it still functions without me. An upside of being the boss, I suppose. Delegation is a beautiful thing."
