by Andrea Ring
I shrug. “I haven’t decided yet.”
“She got in early decision to Stanford,” Clark says, pride evident in his voice.
Respect for that shines in Tam’s eyes. “That’s impressive. How are you two going to manage that?”
“We’re not,” I say, and all their faces fall. Tears sting my eyes at their reaction, and I blink hard. “I mean, I’m not going to Stanford. I’m staying here. I need to go somewhere local.”
Tam rolls her eyes. “I love you, Clark, but please don’t ask a woman to change her life for you.”
Clark raises his hands. “Hey, it’s not me. Leni has other reasons for staying. I just lucked out.”
Tam eyes me skeptically.
“It’s true,” I say. “I’d love to go to Stanford, but my parents need help. My home life is sorta fucked up.”
“Join the crowd,” Jess says.
We end up closing the place the down, and they have to kick us out.
All of Clark’s friends hug me, and they make Clark promise to bring me up to UCLA soon.
I did it.
I’m sort of on a high. I passed the biggest test. I really fit into Clark’s life.
***
Clark and I pull up side by side to the Creekside Apartments around two in the morning. The key to my new place is burning a hole in my pocket.
My new landlady, the same one who dismissed me so easily on the phone, worked hard to get me into an apartment early when I explained my plight and my big fat cashier’s check cleared.
Clark gets out of his car and leans in my window. “So if you don’t have any furniture,” he says, “where did you plan to sleep?”
“I brought my sleeping bag,” I say. “And a pillow.”
Clark rolls his eyes. “I’m not sleeping on the floor.”
“Who said I want you to sleep over?” I say, biting my lip.
“Leni, there’s no way I’m leaving you alone tonight.”
“But it’s my place now. I need to be able to be alone.”
He takes my hand off the steering wheel and rubs my fingers.
“Eventually, but not tonight.”
I want to fight him, and I don’t. I really don’t want to cry myself to sleep on my birthday in an empty apartment.
“We can go in,” he says, “but it’s late. Let’s wait and see it in the light of day.”
“Okay. Take me home.”
We leave my car there, get into his car, and drive the two blocks over to Clark’s house.
Baby T swears that on the morning of her ninth birthday, she felt herself grow taller.
Gabi remembers the day she finally had breasts to speak of, when she got out of the shower and realized she had to dry underneath them.
I’ve never had one of those moments of feeling older, more grown up, until today. Right this minute.
I don’t have a curfew. I don’t have to tiptoe when I come home. I don’t have to wrack my brain, because no one is going to ask me how my day was.
I feel ten feet tall.
“You tired?” Clark asks, shedding his leather jacket and throwing his keys on the coffee table.
“Exhausted.”
He smiles and moves to me. “Not much of a party animal, are you?”
I hug him around the waist. “It’s after two in the morning. I think I partied long enough. Next year I’ll throw a rager for my birthday.”
He laughs. “No you won’t. Next year I’ll throw a rager for you.”
I have to catch my breath. “You’d do that for me?”
“Count on it.”
We head to the bedroom.
Clark and I have spent several evenings here now, and his place is familiar. But I’ve never spent the whole night before, and I’m not counting Winter Formal night. That was us, mostly clothed, tangled on the couch.
This is us, just us, sleeping in a bed.
I opt for sweats and a t-shirt. Not exactly sexy, but I need the armor. I dress in the bathroom, brush my teeth, and wash my face. I take a deep breath and go back to the bedroom.
Clark is already under the covers. He’s bare-chested, and I have no idea if he’s wearing anything else. My cheeks burn.
Clark suddenly laughs. “Are you nervous, Leni?”
“No,” I say too quickly. “Maybe. A little.”
“Why?”
I cross over to the bed and sit next to him.
“This is so much more intimate than anything we’ve ever done.”
“I don’t know about that,” he says, smiling.
“But it is,” I say. “What if I talk in my sleep?”
“What if you do?”
“What if I say something embarrassing? What if I snore? What if I fart in my sleep?”
Clark looks at me seriously. “What if I do those things?”
“You’re embarrassment-proof.”
“So? Will you think less of me?”
“No,” I say.
“What if I get diarrhea?” he asks, and I laugh. “What if the cramps start in the middle of the night, and the stench is so bad it wakes you up?”
“I’ll feel pretty bad for you,” I say, “considering I picked the restaurant.”
Clark smiles and rubs his hands down my arms. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about with me. I’m sure your farts smell like roses.”
“What about my hemorrhoids?” I ask.
“Serious?”
“No.”
He smiles again and kisses me. “Get in bed and let me snuggle you.”
“You like to snuggle?”
“Definitely. But I might need to untangle before I fall asleep. Don’t take it personally.”
“Fair enough,” I say.
I slip under the covers and Clark spoons me.
“This is amazing,” I say. “I can’t believe I’m here with you.”
“I feel the same way,” he says. “Did you like my friends?”
I smile into the dark. “Yes. Tam is protective of you, but in a good way. Lucas is just a goofball, but I think they’re a strong match. He plays the typical guy, but he’s much smarter than he lets on.”
“I agree.”
“And Jess…what can I say? I’ve never met someone like him. It’s like he’s a character in a movie. And he and Mason truly care about you and want you to be happy. That came through loud and clear.” I snuggle back against Clark. “You’re so blessed, Clark, to have friends like them. Truly, they’re wonderful.”
“They are, aren’t they?”
“Yes. Clark, is it always like that? Do you guys always have these deep discussions?”
Clark chuckles. “Mostly. Even if it doesn’t start off that way, that’s usually where we end up.”
“Do you think…did I make a good impression?”
He nuzzles my neck with his nose. “They loved you. Jess is especially excited for me.”
“He’s funny,” I say. “They weren’t what I expected.”
“What did you expect?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “For them to look like you, for one. And maybe for them to be more standoffish.”
“Because I’m standoffish?” he says.
“You have to admit you dress that way. Why dress like that if you don’t want people to avoid you?”
“I felt that way once upon a time,” he says, “but not really anymore. Now it’s just comfortable. I mean, can you picture me in a suit?”
“Not a suit, but a tux.”
I can feel Clark smile into my hair. “I’ve had a lot of firsts with you.”
I flip over and face him. “You have?”
He nods.
“Have you ever spent the whole night with someone?”
“Yes. I had a girlfriend the two years I was on my own, before I moved back in with my parents. But I was wasted most of the time. I don’t really remember any of those nights.”
“I’ll remember this moment forever,” I say.
He snuggles in tighter and kisses my neck.
/> “Happy birthday, Leni.”
“Clark?”
“Hmmm?”
“I don’t know for sure that you don’t have a Prince Albert.”
He rubs his hips against me. “You can’t feel that?” he whispers.
“I’m not sure what I would feel. And I haven’t seen the revolver yet.”
Clark nips at my ear. “What do you want, Leni? Whatever you want.”
“Have you ever—” and I whisper in his ear something I’ve always wanted to do.
Clark’s eyes widen. And then they narrow. “No, I’ve never done that.”
I kiss him hard. “Do it.”
We don’t sleep for a long, long time.
***
We sleep in, and Clark makes pancakes and scrambled eggs for breakfast. I have a lot of shopping to do and things to get organized before I can take Bea home, so we start by making a quick stop at my parents’ house to load up my meager belongings. Dad stands at the window and watches. He doesn’t help, but he doesn’t stop us, either. I tell him I’ll be back this afternoon for Bea.
Our next stop is my apartment. We drop off my boxes and take a look at the space.
“So what do I need?” I ask Clark. He paces around the rooms, looking at them from different angles.
“A couch and a coffee table. A bookcase here, for your photos and books and stuff. A small table and chairs for the eating area. A TV and something to put it on.” He turns to me. “A bed, maybe a whole set, with a dresser and a night stand. Your dad still didn’t budge on you taking the furniture?”
“No.”
“Then you’ll need those. A crib, and probably an extra dresser for Bea. The bedroom’s big enough. I don’t know about all the other baby stuff. Kitchen stuff. Do you even have any plates?”
I shake my head.
“Wow. Okay, what’s your budget?”
“I don’t really have one. I mean, I have enough money to get what I need.”
“I know you have money, but humor me and pick a limit. You don’t want to fall in love with a $2000 couch.”
“You know me better than that,” I say. “And anyway, I’m not gonna go crazy, but I’m not gonna stress about the money, either. I don’t even know what this stuff will cost me. Remember, I’m no 18-year-old high school dropout. You fell in love with a trust fund baby.”
Clark walks over to me and brushes my cheek with his knuckles.
“Did I?” he says.
“Didn’t you?” I ask.
He looks me in the eye. “I’m proud of you.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. This place is great. It’s gonna be great for you and Bea.”
“Thanks for helping me, Clark. I love you.”
He hugs me. “No place I’d rather be.”
***
We start shopping at some local thrift stores, at my insistence. But while items are the right price, the furniture especially looks kinda iffy. I almost go for a leather couch that has claw marks all over the back and tops of the cushions and cat hair actually sticking up where it has embedded itself in the leather, when Clark growls, grabs my arm, and drags me out to his car.
“No,” he says. “No way. If this stuff were for me, I’d buy it, but you have Bea. Who knows what’s been done on that couch. Plan B.”
We go to Ikea. I get a coffee table for $20, an end table for $10, and a bookcase for $25. I spend more on a couch and a crib, but at least everything’s clean. We arrange to have the bigger stuff delivered this afternoon, and we head to Babies ‘R Us.
We step into the store, and Clark stops. Then he laughs.
“What’s so funny?”
“I don’t know,” he says, swiping his eyes. “I just…have no clue what any of this is.”
“I do,” I say, taking his arm and leading him over to the carseats.
A carseat I can handle. I’m fine picking out a playpen, my solution if I need to shower. I choose a stroller quickly, zeroing in on one that I can collapse one-handed.
“What else?” Clark asks. “A mattress for the crib, right? Some sheets and some blankets? She needs a pillow.”
“Babies don’t need pillows,” I tell him as we head in the right direction. “They could suffocate.”
“Good to know.”
The entire back wall of the store displays the bedding. Each set is coordinated to match, and each has a theme. I approach the wall, and out of nowhere, I start to cry.
Clark is perusing the choices. “It’s all a little girly,” he says, shaking his head as he eyes the displays. “I don’t think I’ll be much help here. What do you like?”
I’m frozen looking at a pink comforter covered in orange and yellow butterflies.
“Leni?”
I turn to him, and Clark’s face turns from perplexed to alarmed.
“What’s wrong?” He quickly covers the space between us and hugs me.
“It’s never bothered me before,” I whisper. “Not having kids. But I’ll never do this again. I’ll never decorate a nursery, or have a baby shower. This is it.”
Clark strokes my back. “This is it,” he whispers back. “You get to do those things now. It might not be in the right order, and you and I might not be married, but this is the next best thing.” He steps back and wipes my tears. “Let’s enjoy this. Women love this stuff, right? Don’t think about what might never be. Think about what is.”
I take a deep breath and nod.
“Bea’s too young to really know what she wants,” he continues. “So you pick. What do you like? What would you have wanted as a kid?”
“Rainbows,” I say, certain.
Clark eyes the wall. “No rainbows, exactly. There’s a rainbow on that Noah’s ark print.”
He points, and I finally look. “It’s brown,” I say. “No brown. Something bright. Like hope.”
Clark smiles at me, and I smile back.
We hunt for bedding that’s bright like hope.
***
We get to my house around two o’clock, and my father’s car is gone. At first I’m angry, and then I’m scared, afraid he’s going to fight me about taking Bea. But as I get out of the car and take my cell phone from my pocket to call him and see what’s up, the front door opens and Angela waves at me.
I put the phone away and wave back. “Hey, Angela. I didn’t expect you to be here.”
She smiles, but it’s strained. “Your dad had to go. Something with your mom.”
I frown. “Do you know what’s going on?”
She shakes her head. “But I’ve got Bea all ready. Your dad packed her things. Let me just open up the garage.” She disappears into the house, and I turn back to Clark.
“The garage?” he asks.
I shrug.
“I’ll get the carseat hooked up,” he says.
I nod and head inside.
Bea is sitting in her high chair in the kitchen, delicately eating one Cheerio at a time.
“Hey, baby girl,” I say. She smiles at me. I unbuckle her and carry her out to the car.
The garage is open. Dad has disassembled the crib and placed its pieces next to Bea’s dresser and changing table. There are also a stroller, her exersaucer, two bags of toys, and a box of books.
Clark looks at me. “I thought you said he wouldn’t give you this stuff. That your mom didn’t want to give it up.”
“That’s what he said,” I say.
“We’ll have to make a couple of trips and borrow Lucas’s truck. We can keep the stuff at my place, for when you guys stay over.”
I nod. Tears threaten to spill from eyes again, but I’m sick of crying.
I thought my parents wanting to keep this stuff meant that they didn’t really want to be rid of us. That someday we’d have a relationship again. That there was a way to fix this.
But it’s really over.
I will the tears away and face Clark.
“Let’s get what we can and go,” I say.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
&n
bsp; We spend the rest of the weekend assembling furniture and finding a home for everything. On Sunday afternoon, I’m organizing the kitchen while Clark unpacks books and arranges them on my new shelf.
“What do you think?” I ask him. “Cups to the right or the left of the dishwasher?”
I get no answer.
“Clark?”
I walk out to the living room. Clark is seated criss-cross applesauce next to a box of Bea’s books. He has a manila envelope on the floor next to him, and he’s reading a document, presumably pulled from the envelope.
“What’s that?”
He looks up at me, and there’s something, maybe embarrassment, in his eyes. He holds the document out to me. “I’m sorry, Leni,” he says. “I shouldn’t have read it.”
I take the paper and examine it. When I realize what it is, my eyes fly to Clark’s face. I cannot read his expression.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks.
I shudder. “You’re actually giving me a choice?”
He uncrosses his legs and stretches them out in front of him. Then he leans back on his hands. “Leni, I told you from the very beginning. Whatever happened before us, whatever either of us did or didn’t do, it’s okay.”
I stare at the paper again. At the bottom, my dad has written, “We never filed this. Truth is, I forgot about it. No need for any legal drama. She’s yours.”
I start to shake and can’t seem to stop. “But this…this…”
“Leni,” he says. “This is the thing, right? The thing you can’t forgive yourself for?”
My eyes burn, and I blink furiously. I nod my head.
And he doesn’t say anything else. He just stares at me, his eyes radiating sympathy and patience.
I sink down to the floor beside him. He rubs his hand across my back.
“So I…I found out I had cancer when Jay and I had been together about a year. The doctors wanted me to have surgery right away, and my mom…she was, like, insane. Totally freaked out that I might not be able to have kids. She refused to let me do chemo, insisted they keep one of my ovaries, and I thought, she’s the adult. She knows what’s best. It’s okay, you know? But she totally fixated on the idea of me having a baby. She worried that the cancer would come back and I’d never have kids. She made me insane, too.”
I let out a sob. “It wasn’t her fault. I mean, all that sounds like I’m blaming her, but it wasn’t her fault. I made my choice. I thought I should try to get pregnant right away, in case I didn’t have another chance, and we were close, we’d been together a long time. So I finally slept with Jay. I mean, one time, you wouldn’t think it would happen after one time.” I look at Clark. “And then, after everything we’d been through, he ditches me. I finally sleep with him and he ditches me. Jay just walked away, and I felt so stupid, and when I found out I was pregnant, I just…it seemed logical. My mom desperately wanted another baby. I had a baby and no father for it. Jay didn’t deserve the baby. So we drew up these adoption papers, and Mom and I moved to Arizona so I could have the baby in private.”
