by Jessica Marx
“Seriously, Ashley?” Jayson jokes when he catches me looking again. “You’re going to have to get used to the way I look. I mean, I know I look good, but the novelty should have worn off by now.”
“I don’t know what it is. I can’t help it,” I answer, laughing. Jayson walks over and stands in front of me, wrapping me in his arms.
“You are so beautiful, Ashley. I’m the one who should be staring.” He puts a hand on my cheek and kisses me tenderly on the lips. “Then again, I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off you if I was.” Unfortunately, we have to get going or I don’t think we will ever leave.” He takes my hand and leads me to the front door.
“I guess you’re right,” I reply and take my keys from the entry table. We walk out to the elevator hand in hand.
Jayson pushes the call button and looks at me as the doors open.
“Remember last time we were in this elevator?” he asks with a smirk.
“I do,” I reply with a broad smile.
The doors close and we look at each other. Without hesitation, I turn and begin kissing him, passionately. This time Jayson has his back against the wall and I’m being the aggressive one. I have my hands on the back of his neck and I’m kissing him hard, my tongue inside his mouth. Jayson puts his hands on my ass and squeezes gently, pulling me up closer to him. I suck on his lip as I break our short but ravenous embrace.
Seconds later, the doors open and we step out into the lobby.
“I’ve been wanting to do that all morning.” Jayson says, grinning.
“Me too,” I reply as we walk outside onto the sidewalk and see the awaiting town car. “I guess call me later?”
“Oh, no. I’m driving you home. Don’t think you’re getting away that easily.”
“You don’t have to. You’re going to be late.”
“Don’t be silly, Ashley,” he says, holding the door open for me. “Now get in the car so I can watch you bend over again.”
I roll my eyes at him and purposely exaggerate my movements while getting into the backseat. I hear Jayson snigger behind me and he playfully smacks my backside before following me in.
We sit in the backseat, smiling during the short ride to my apartment. It does take a little longer with the morning traffic, but it’s still very close. Jayson is holding my hand again and doesn’t seem to want to let it go. I have to admit, I like it. We only have a couple of blocks left to travel and I find myself wishing the ride didn’t have to end.
“I think I’m actually going to miss you today,” I tell him.
“I know I’m going to miss you, beautiful,” he answers.
“When will I see you again?” I ask. “I have to work the next couple of nights.”
“I don’t know. We’ll work something out, though. I can’t wait another couple of days. Now that you’re mine and I know I can have you whenever I want, we can’t have a silly little thing like work getting in the way.”
“Normally I wouldn’t let a man call me ‘his,’ but something about it turns me on with you. I like it.”
“I never laid claim on a woman, but I’m not letting you go, so get used to it.”
We pull up in front of my building and Jayson opens the door and steps out. I follow and we are standing on the sidewalk together.
“Call me later, okay?” Jayson says, sounding less than confident for once.
“I will,” I answer. We hug each other and he kisses me softly on the lips. “Thanks for the ride.”
“Anytime,” he answers.
I walk to my building entrance and turn to look at him as I open the door. Jayson is still standing there, watching me go in. I guess he does like to stare at me, just from behind. I wave and walk in and he finally turns and gets back into the car. I smile at my doorman and continue on happily to the elevator.
* * *
_____
I am still smiling when I get into my apartment. I put my things down and just plop down on the couch. I don’t have to work for a few more hours so I have time to relax. I pick up my phone and see I haven’t missed any texts or calls. I send Rachel a message. I feel like we haven’t spoken for so long, but it’s only been a few days. It’s hard to believe so much has happened in such a short time. Rachel replies quickly.
Hey! What’s up, stranger? I’m starting a class in a few but I’m free in an hour.
Cool. Call you then, I answer.
I turn on the television planning to veg out for a while. I go to the kitchen and get a drink and an apple and sit back on the couch. My phone rings in the familiar tone I have programmed for my mother’s number. I pick it up on the second ring.
“Hey, Mom! How are you?”
“Great, Ash. And you?” she replies.
“The same. Are you back from your trip already?” I ask.
“Yes! Just got back last night, actually. It was wonderful.”
“You sound happy today. What’s up?”
“Oh, Ashley, I wanted to tell you at lunch next week, but I just can’t wait. Tom proposed! We’re getting married!” she squeals.
I am speechless for several seconds. My head is spinning with questions and anxiety about last night. But this isn’t about me—it’s about my mother. I pull myself together and answer her.
“I’m so happy for you, Mom!” And I really am. She deserves a good man. I just wish I hadn’t had sex with his son last night. “Tom seems like such a great guy. I know you two will be very happy together.”
“I know we will, Ash. He’s perfect in every way. It was very unexpected. I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to marry again, but once he asked me, I knew it was meant to be.”
My mom continues to tell me the story of how Tom proposed and how romantic everything was. I feel bad because I’m only half-listening. My mind is fixed on Jayson. This is real now. He is going to be my stepbrother. No matter what I was thinking last night, or before, knowing this is going to make me reevaluate everything.
My mother is finished with her story and I need to respond. “That sounds like a fairytale, Mom. When do you think you’ll have the wedding?” I need to know how long I have to make a decision.
“I don’t think we’re going to wait too long and we don’t want to make a big fuss. We are planning to just have our immediate families and a couple of friends.”
My stomach is doing somersaults. My mind is going over so many different scenarios. I need some time to process all of this.
“That sounds perfect,” I lie. It sounds like torture. If I continue to date Jayson, which I really want to do, I will have to tell my mother before she marries Tom. As much as I would now like to, I can’t lie about it forever. If she flips out about the news it could be harmful for my new relationship,, and possibly hers too. But this is my mother’s life, and it will be her day. I can’t be selfish about it.
“I have to get ready for work now, Mom. Congratulations again. I am so happy for you. Please tell Tom I said the same.”
“Thanks, Ash. I’ll see you for lunch next week and we can talk more about all the details.”
I end the call and feel confused all over again. I was so sure last night that no matter what, I wanted to be with Jayson. Now that the reality is that he is going to be my stepbrother, I’m not as confident in my decision.
I’m so torn. On one hand, Jayson is right about what he said initially; we are adults, so our parents’ relationship should not have any effect on ours. We won’t be living together under the same roof, and although we will be “related,” we won’t really be acting as a family unit. As a grown woman, I also don’t see myself referring to Tom as “Dad,” especially since my own father is still a part of my life.
The age difference is going to be hard for my mother to swallow. My father scarred her for life leaving her for a younger woman. Jayson is significantly older than me, and I know she will be less than pleased. She still treats me like a child as it is and won’t believe I could be in love with a man, anyway. And knowing what she knows about Jayson alr
eady, her opinion is going to be tainted. There is no way she would approve.
On the other hand, we can’t help who we fall in love with. I know Jayson loves me, even though he hasn't actually told me yet. As crazy as it is, I know I love him, too. Many people wouldn’t understand, but it’s my mother I care about and how she will feel. I also don’t know how comfortable I will feel having my boyfriend as my stepbrother. We are in no way related, but it is definitely an awkward relationship to define, nonetheless. Especially when you add our age difference to the equation.
* * *
Why does it have to be so complicated? Why is it that when I finally meet someone who cares just as much about me as I do about him, there has to be so much more involved than just our feelings?
I wonder if Jayson has heard the news yet. I don’t want to call him now, but we are going to have to address it at some point very soon. I don’t know how he will react, if at all.
I’m turning all of these thoughts over in my head for so long that I don’t realize how much time has passed. I shut the television off and get up to shower. I never called Rachel, so I just send her a text that I’m running late and will call her later. There is way too much to tell her now in the amount of time I have, anyway.
I finish getting ready and leave for work. I don’t know how I’m going to concentrate today. I have too much on my mind. I wish I could rewind to this morning when I felt blissful and peaceful, but I can’t. Now I need to move forward with this new information and hope whatever decision I make is the right one. I honestly don’t know if there even is a right one.
I know what I want, and I believe Jayson and I have a future together, and that’s all that should matter. I can’t let all of these other things get in my way. My mother will have to accept my decision, and being adult enough to talk to her about it will be big help in her acceptance.
* * *
____________
* * *
I do the best I can to work through the day. Even though I’m busy the day just drags on. Sometime during the lunch rush it starts raining out, which further enhances the melancholic mood I’m in.
When I get a break between shifts, I sit at the bar with my lunch and a drink. I don’t feel like talking to anyone, so I take out my phone and try to look busy. I see a simple text from Jayson: Miss you. I want to ask if he heard the news yet, but don’t want to spoil Tom’s announcement if he hasn’t told his sons. I decide not to approach that topic until a later time and just write back Miss you too and put my phone away.
I clean up after myself and get ready for the dinner shift. My mood hasn’t lifted at all and it’s still raining, which means the dinner crowd will be lighter than usual.
A couple of hours into the evening, I feel like this has been the longest day ever. My head is starting to throb, probably from a combination of too much thinking and the weather. I can’t wait to get home and crawl under my covers.
I’m delivering a tray of coffees to my last table when I see Rachel and Chris walk in and I have my first real smile since I got here today.
Rachel waves at me and they head over to the bar. My spirits lift a little and I work a little faster to close out my section. As soon as the table gets up, I am wiping it down and resetting it so I can end my shift. I wash up in the bathroom and join Rachel and Chris at the bar. Sam is in front of me with an extra-large glass of wine before I even sit down.
“You look like you need one of these—at least one,” Sam says as he passes me the glass.
“Thanks. I do,” I reply and turn my attention to Rachel and Chris.
“Hey, guys! Nice to see you here.” They each stand and we hug.
“You’re hard to track down lately. I figured this was a good way to find you,” Rachel teases. We each take a sip of our drinks and sit down.
“Yeah. It’s been a little crazy lately,” I start, and then give them a summary of what has been happening. I don’t mind talking in front of Chris. As my best friend’s boyfriend, we’ve spent a lot of time together and I know she would tell him most of it, anyway. Plus it’s nice to have a male point of view on things, sometimes.
I end the story with my mother getting engaged to my new boyfriend’s father. Rachel and Chris have listened attentively and I know I can count on them for some honest advice, like it or not.
“Okay, where to start…” Rachel begins. “As much as I hate to say it, I think you may have found love.”
“Why do you hate saying it?” Chris interrupts.
“I told you about my first and only meeting with Jayson. Wasn’t a big fan,” Rachel replies.
“Oh, yes. That’s right. I think you referred to him as ‘the asshole.’ ” Chris takes a swig of his beer. “Sorry, go on.”
“Anyway, I think all weirdness aside, your mom should understand that you might be in love and love is hard to find. You can’t—or shouldn’t—have to give that up because your mother doesn’t approve, or because of this newfound relation between your families. You’re all adults, so what you do is your own business,” Rachel advises.
“Really, Ashley, we can’t help who we fall in love with. It sucks your mom already compares Jayson to your father, but just because he’s older doesn’t make it the same. You’re not the woman on the side. He’s not leaving a twenty-year marriage for you. She’s going to have to get over that fact. She also has to stop caring so much about what everyone around her thinks,” Rachel finishes. I am so lucky to have this girl as my best friend.
“What she said,” Chris adds. “And also, men can be total dicks, but it sounds like this dude is sincere. If you let him go before really giving it a chance, you will regret it.”
“He’s right. That’s how I got stuck with him in the first place,” Rachel jokes.
We hang at the bar and talk some more. Thankfully, the subject changes to their vacation and random gossip about some mutual friends. My mind still wanders back to Jayson, but I’m happy to be talking about something and someone else. I love having these two on my side.
I know what I have to do. I have to talk to Jayson first and see what he knows. As long as he still wants to move forward, I will have to face my mother. I don’t know what her actual reaction will be, I can only hope that she takes the news better than I’m anticipating. From what Jayson has said, I don’t think Tom will have any issues with our relationship, but then again, you never know. Eric and Matt will both have to be informed, but part of their job as our brothers is to support us and then torment us, so I kind of know what to expect there.
We finish our drinks and Rachel and Chris decide to head out to the bar next door for another round. I don’t really feel like joining them tonight. After working a double and this emotional roller coaster of a day, I’m ready to head home.
On my way to my apartment, my phone vibrates in my pocket. It’s Jayson.
Have you heard the news?
Yes, I reply. My phone rings almost immediately thereafter.
“Hello,” I answer on the first ring. I know it’s Jayson.
“Hey, beautiful. Are you okay?” he asks me. As uptight as I’ve been all day, I find the sound of his voice so soothing.
“I am. My mother is super excited and I’m happy for her,” I reply.
“You don’t sound so happy,” Jayson says.
“It just sucks. You’re going to be my big brother now. What the fuck?” Jayson chuckles at my statement.
“Come on, Ashley. You know it’s not like that,” he says.
“I know, but it kind of is.”
“Don’t worry, we will get through it. You’re mine now, remember? I will be by your side and we will make sure everything works out in the end.”
I feel better hearing him tell me that. I am still walking and almost at my building. I hate talking and walking, but I just want to get home.
“Did you tell Tom about us?” I ask.
“No. I think you should be the one to tell Cynthia,” he responds.
“You’re r
ight. It should be me.” I sigh. “And I want to get it over and done with as soon as possible.”
“Do you want me to be there when you do?” Jayson offers. Knowing that my mother already has him pegged as a womanizing gigolo, I don’t think it’s the best idea.
“Thanks, but I think I should do it myself first and see how she takes the news,” I answer. I know she’s going to flip out and I don’t think Jayson needs to see that. I walk up to the front of my building and stop before entering.
“If you change your mind, I will be there,” Jayson assures me.
“Thanks. That means a lot.”
“Ashley…” Jayson says. There’s something about the way he says my name that still makes me melt.
“Yes?” I answer when he doesn’t continue.
“Everything will be fine. I promise.” And I believe him. Hearing Jayson say that so sincerely makes me feel more at ease than I have all day. I love him. I really love him.
“I know,” I say and I smile to myself. “Thanks for calling me. I’m home now and want to go up to my apartment. Can we talk tomorrow?”
“Of course,” he answers. “Sweet dreams, baby.”
“You too. Goodnight.”
I walk into my building, smiling once again. Hearing reassuring words from Jayson made me feel better than anything else. Knowing he still wants to see it through and plans to stay by my side means so much. I don’t know what our future will bring, but having him as my partner and my protector will give me the strength I need and make any battle worth fighting.
20
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* * *
I wake up Sunday morning feeling renewed and much less stressed. Having Jayson say those things last night really helped boost my confidence in both our relationship and my will to fight for it.
