by Jessica Marx
I keep cleaning and the crowd continues to diminish. The bachelorette’s group leaves, but the two girls attached to Ryan and Tony are still here—great.
The four of them make their way to the bar. I look up and smile.
“Can I get you all something?” I ask kindly, though I feel very bitter.
“No. We’re good,” Ryan replies.
“Yeah. Real good,” Tony adds, smacking his girl on the ass. He’s such a pig. I take a moment to be thankful he has his own place to go home to.
“Just a heads up—I might have some company when you get home,” Ryan informs me.
“Cool. I’ll be quiet,” I answer with a smile.
“Okay. See you later then?” Ryan says hesitantly.
“Yup. Have fun,” I reply and try to look busy again. They walk outside, and I’m relieved I don’t have to watch anymore. Now I just have to figure out how to sneak into my own home and quietly disappear.
5
Just over an hour later, the bar is closing. I take my time cleaning up and putting things away. I’m procrastinating because I don’t want to go home at all. It doesn’t take long before I run out of things to do and they want to lock up. I get my coat and walk out into the cold. There are still some people lingering out in the streets as I make my way back to the apartment. I walk slowly but I know inevitably I am going to walk into something I don’t want to be a part of.
I walk up the steps to the third floor landing as slow as I possibly can. I hear a cackling laugh as I turn my key in the lock and brace myself for whatever I’m about to see.
Luckily, their clothes are on. The two of them are sitting on the couch, enjoying another cocktail, and her hands are all over Ryan. I already feel like a third wheel and I haven’t even taken off my coat. Ryan stands up when I close the door and looks nervous like he’s doing something wrong—which he totally is not.
“Hey, Eve,” he says awkwardly. “This is Jamie.”
Jamie stands up and teeters slightly. She is cute. I have no good reason to be jealous so I play nice.
“Nice to meet you, Eve. Hope you don’t mind that I’m here,” she says, trying to sound friendly.
“Not at all,” I lie. “I’m going to get to bed, though. I had a long night, and I can’t wait to go to sleep.” I know there is no way I’m going to sleep any time soon.
I walk to the bathroom and close the door. I take some deep breaths as I wash off my makeup and jump in the shower. I rinse off, put on the bathrobe I leave hanging on the back of the door, and prepare to walk back through the small living room. Hopefully, this will be the last time I have to see Jamie.
They are still fully clothed, but Ryan is sitting on the couch and Jamie in on his lap, straddling him. It appears she is trying to inhale his face, but I’m not really looking. I rush past them into my room and quickly shut the door.
What the hell? I’ve heard Ryan talk about many girls in the time we’ve been friends. He’s not really a player, but he has his share of women. I’ve never gotten jealous, or felt any emotion about any of his conquests. What is happening?
I hear some more giggling and roll my eyes. I need to go to sleep and pretend this is not happening—not just the actual situation in my living room, but the thoughts in my head.
I lay in bed, trying to focus on the television. I make it louder than usual, but it doesn’t matter. I’m sadistically trying to listen through my makeshift wall to what’s happening on the other side. It’s almost like I feel the need to punish myself for having these feelings. I hear a lot of movement and realize they must be changing venues to the bedroom. I freeze like a deer in headlights, like they know I’m listening to their every move. It’s silly, because they are surely not thinking about me at all right now.
I hear light music and assume Ryan must have put on to drown out the noise they will be making. I try focusing again on whatever show is on the television. Maybe it will be boring enough to lull me to sleep.
No such luck.
It’s not long before I start hearing moans. They are making it impossible for me to ignore. It’s not loud, but my wall is thin and our apartment is small. The sounds are coming from Ryan, so in the scenario I concoct to further torture myself, Jamie is on her knees, giving him a blowjob right out of a porn video.
I get up to find my headphones, purposely banging a couple of drawers closed. I lay down in bed with my phone and plug the headphones in. Before I get them in my ears, I hear the repeated creaking of Ryan’s bed.
I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me, but I found myself letting a hand drift low on my tummy, slipping beneath the sheets. The music blasted from my headphones was not quite loud enough to mask the sounds coming from the other side of the wall. My fingertip brushed up against my delicate folds, already wet with desire. Pleasure rolled through me as I listened intently, a scene playing out in my head. With my eyes closed, I could almost see Ryan over me, his muscles straining, his huge cock plunging so deep it would test my limits.
My fingertips were insistent now. They drove me higher and higher as the cries of pleasure poured through the wall. I plunged one inside me to try and fill the void, but it wasn’t enough. I bit my lip to keep myself quiet and reached over the edge of the mattress, pulling my vibrator free from its hiding place and flipping the little switch. It hummed to life as I held my breath, my body screaming for release.
“Ooh….” I gasp as I bring the tip against my clit. “Ryan… Yes…” I whispered, careful to keep my voice down. “Please…”
I guided the vibrator down every so slightly, driving it deep. It’s not enough, the slim device only partially satisfying my need. Despite its lacking girth, I still loved the way it was filling my body with the mad thrumming sensation. Every nerve ending screamed for more as I drove it deep. “Fuck me Ryan, oh God yes,” I squeal, clamping my free hand down over my mouth as I begin to pump the vibrator in and out of my willful body.
I could stop myself. I could open my eyes and pretend this never happened. Oh God I need to stop myself! The cries of passion from beyond the wall seem to go on forever as I bring myself higher and higher. There was nothing I could do. My body demands release. I need this. The last of my restraint evaporates as an incredible orgasm tears through my body with the kind of force I’ve never experienced before.
* * *
My vision draws into tunnel vision as I arch my back and enjoy the waves of pleasure sweeping through my flesh. In my mind, Ryan is standing over me… And he’s smiling.
6
I wake up with music still playing through my headphones. It takes me a few minutes to recall what was happening last night, and I immediately get annoyed. I don’t want to walk out of my bedroom and see her in my apartment. She’s in my territory, so technically, I shouldn’t care, but I have no desire to make conversation with her this morning. I shouldn’t have to—I’m not the one who fucked her.
I lay motionless in my bed until I can’t wait any longer. I really have to pee, and it’s my apartment, so I shouldn’t be the one hiding in bed. I slowly pull the headphones off and listen for any sound from the rest of the apartment, but I don’t hear anything. Hopefully, they’re still sleeping so I can use the bathroom and clean myself up. I tiptoe to the door, quietly open it, and walk out toward the bathroom.
“Where are you sneaking off to?” I hear Ryan say from the kitchen.
I turn toward him and breathe a sigh of relief when I see he is alone. “Thought you were sleeping, so I didn’t want to wake you,” I answer.
“Nah. Been up over an hour already. Coffee?” he offers, holding up a mug.
“Sure, thanks. I’ll be out in a minute,” I reply and walk into the bathroom.
Damn. I shouldn’t have agreed to coffee. What if she is still here? I didn’t even ask. I don’t know what to say to Ryan. Suddenly, I feel like I’m the one doing the walk of shame.
I come out of the bathroom and take a few strides to the kitchen. Ryan is sitting at the table,
reading something on his phone and drinking coffee.
“Is she still sleeping?” I ask, thinking that sounds better than asking if that girl is still lurking somewhere.
“Jamie?” Ryan asks, looking up. “No. She left early this morning, or late last night, depending on how you look at it.”
“Oh, she didn't want to stay?” I ask, matching his relaxed manner. I pour some coffee now that I know I can sit and enjoy it.
“She didn’t,” Ryan replies.
“That wasn’t nice,” I say with a smirk. “You two seemed to be having a good time...”
“Nah. I don’t think so,” he answers, placing his phone down and looking at me. “I think she was just looking to hook up for the night.”
“You seemed pretty into her, from the look of things,” I reply with a short laugh, trying to sound indifferent. “And from the sounds.”
“Were you spying on me?” Ryan asks, feigning shock.
“We have some very thin walls. Trust me, I tried not to hear,” I reply.
“Noted,” he says sarcastically. “What’s your plan today?”
“Not sure. Probably just gonna chill, maybe run a couple of errands. You?”
“Same.” Then he gives me a weird look, pursing his lips, head cocked. “Hey, are we cool?”
I fidget a little, shooting him a version of that same look. “What do you mean?”
“You just don’t seem like yourself. I don’t know,” Ryan says, averting his gaze with a frown. “If this is going to make you uncomfortable...”
I laugh. “Dude, please. We’re roommates. You can bring home as many sluts as you want.” It sounds good, but I’m cringing inwardly. He is not cheating on me. Ryan is doing nothing wrong. Hell, I know full well we can’t be together...
Deep down, I know I’m lying through my teeth.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. It was just weird having you in one room and her in the other, you know?” he asks.
Yes, I know exactly what you mean, I think to myself. “It’s just different now, Ryan. You used to just tell me when you hooked up. Now I’m here witnessing it. I’ll get used to it.”
“Okay, Eve,” Ryan concedes. “As long as you’re cool, I’m cool.”
“Yup, we’re good,” I reply, “I’m going to shower and try to get something done, I guess.” I want to get away, be anywhere but in the room with Ryan right now. There are way too many questions and strange feelings making my head spin.
“I’m going to go for a run,” Ryan informs me. “Maybe we can hook up later?”
“I’ll see where the day takes me,” I reply with a smile and walk to the bathroom to take a shower.
I take my time again, waiting to hear Ryan leave for his run before I come out of the bathroom. I need to figure out what’s going on and get my shit together, or I’m going to spend half my time hiding in my own apartment.
7
I manage to avoid Ryan for the majority of the day. We don’t see each other until late afternoon. It’s possible he’s avoiding me, too, but I’m not sure why. I’ve calmed myself down from this morning and put my feelings aside—for now, anyway. There’s no need to make things difficult or awkward. We are friends and roommates and he’s my stepbrother! I’m not going to let anything change that.
We agree to have dinner together and order some Chinese food. Neither of us feel like going out after barely sleeping the night before. We talk like there is nothing out of the ordinary and pretend last night’s events and this morning’s conversation never happened. By the time our dinner arrives, we are back to our regular routine and all is forgotten—kind of. We’re both acting like it is, but I’m not so sure. This is comfortable, though, so I have no intention of bringing anything up. It’s officially in the past.
While we eat, we talk about the class we have tomorrow at AGR. Ryan, Tara, a few other friends, and I signed up for a six week class. Tomorrow starts our fourth week. It’s been a very long time since we’ve all done something like this together, and it is proving to be a lot of fun. Not only is the class itself enjoyable, but having my friends there makes it that much more entertaining. The class is really small so there are only a couple of people in there that we don’t know. We haven’t play acted together very often, and interacting like this makes for a lot of laughs. After each class, we go out together for food or drinks and continue the shenanigans.
I’m glad we are getting along and back into the friend zone. I love my time with Ryan. We always make great conversation and share much of the same interests and sense of humor. We make some jokes at Tony’s expense, and it’s the only time last night is brought into the conversation. We watch TV for a little while and then decide to get to bed early. We’re both pretty exhausted, and I’m happy to end things on a good note.
Ryan wakes up and goes for a run. I exercise with some online workout videos, since joining the gym is not in my budget right now, and then enjoy another relaxing day. I never work on Mondays—most of us don’t—which is why we are all able to take this class together.
Tony stops over around lunch time with a bag full of sandwiches and we happily dig in. I let the boys hang out for a while and go out to pick up a few things at the store. I get back in time to get changed and ready for class. The three of walk to the studio together. We don’t bother waiting outside for anyone else—it’s too cold. We take off our coats and make ourselves comfortable as the others file in. Tara comes in, says hello to us, and sits next to me as we have done every week so far.
Our instructor, Sarah, is an acting coach. She is down-to-earth, honest, and very knowledgeable. This week, we are practicing cold reads. We have to perform an unrehearsed scene and she asks us to pair up. Tara and I choose each other as we usually do but the coach says since the class has the same number of men and women, we should pair with the opposite sex because it will better fit the scenes we’re reading. We are goofing around trying to decide who will be with who, so Sarah decides to choose for us, and Ryan and I wind up as a pair.
In all the classes we have taken, we rarely pair up. I’m not really sure why—we just always choose someone else. We look at each other and shrug.
The first pair steps in front to read their scene. It’s Keira and one of the people we don’t know. Everyone gets quiet and focuses on their scene. It takes about two minutes and ends in a kiss. They do a great job, and the kiss is somewhat believable so we all clap.
No. No, no, no. While I’m clapping, all I can think about is how I’m going to get out of this. Ok, maybe it’s not Sarah’s fault. She doesn’t know he’s my stepbrother…. But… I can’t kiss Ryan—I can’t. Sure, I know it’s acting, but I do not want to cross that line… Especially after the emotional whirlwind I went through last night.
The next pair steps in front and reads their scene. It is completely different, but ends in an emotional embrace. I take a deep breath. That, I can handle. Maybe there is only one kissing scene. Maybe I’m worrying about nothing. I hear the coach call us up front. I might be mistaken, but Ryan looks a little nervous too.
She hands us our lines to read. There is a lot of intensity before we begin, since we have no idea what we will be reading or how it will end. Ryan clears his throat and starts to read. We are pretending to be a husband and wife seeing each other for the first time after a tour in Iraq. As we read through, there is a lot of passion behind our words that I would like to attribute to our acting skills, but I’m sure it’s more from the fear and anxiety of not knowing where this short conversation will lead.
Just before our final words are spoken, my heart is racing. I am perspiring and my hands are shaking. I shouldn’t be. I’ve done a racy performance or two—this is no different than if I were going to kiss Tara for a scene. Ryan gently takes me by the shoulders and looks me with his piercing blue eyes as if to say, “Don’t worry,” and we kiss. Our lips touch, linger for a moment, and then we really kiss.
Ryan’s warm tongue enters my mouth and begins massaging mine. I can’
t help but return the motion. For a brief instant, our mouths are connected, our tongues entwined. We are moving as one, and I forget where we are. Slowly, we bring our kiss to an end and simultaneously back away. Everyone is silent for a moment as we just stare at each other, confused by the emotions we are feeling from the seemingly innocent kiss we just shared.
The coach begins to clap and the rest follow after. I’m pretty sure that every one of our friends is thrown off guard just as we are. They appreciate that we can act, but what they just witnessed went a bit further than the scene called for. Ryan and I are still in front of everyone, but break our gaze, take a bow, and silently return to our seats. The next pair steps in front to take their turn, but my mind is still reeling from what just happened—and I know Ryan felt it, too.
8
The class continues and the rest of the pairs read their scenes. The coach sums everything up and asks us to do something for the next class, but I’m not paying any attention—I haven’t been since Ryan and I kissed. I don’t know what happened after that, because that’s all I’ve been able to think about. I can’t even look at him because I’m scared he will look back at me. I don’t know what to say to him. There’s no way I could be alone in feeling the spark ignite when our lips met. It was like fate brought us together at that moment and said, “You’re more than just friends, now deal with it.”
When everyone starts packing their things, I snap out of my daydream and try to focus on the present. I don’t need to let on that that kiss made me feel anything. It was a scene, we were playing a part, just like dozens of other times.
“You okay?” Tara asks me.
“Yeah. Yes. I’m fine,” I stammer back in reply.
