by Bella Jewel
“You okay?” he asks.
I take a shaky breath. “Ah, yeah.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.” I smile weakly.
I expect him to leave, but instead he drops back down onto the bed beside me, taking my hand.
It’s a tiny gesture, but it means the world to me.
If only he knew it.
~*~*~*~
“You have a lot of ink,” I say to Rainer as we lie side by side, staring at the ceiling.
“Yeah. It makes me feel good.”
“I’ve always been too scared to try it out.” I smile.
“It’s probably a good thing,” he murmurs, shifting so our legs touch. “Once you start, it’s hard to stop.”
“Do they have any special meanings?” I ask nervously, wondering about my name on his chest and hoping he’ll answer it.
“Every one of them.”
“Care to share?” I offer and he rolls to his side so he’s looking down at me, elbow propping his head up.
“The ones all over my back are covering scars.”
My eyes widen. “Scars?”
“Yeah, scars. I had a lot of them.”
He never had scars when I knew him. What the hell could have happened to him for him to get enough scars that he had to have them covered? That and his vagueness about the past is making me think he might have been in some sort of accident.
“Did you have a car accident or something?” I warily ask.
“Or something.”
That same answer. Always that same answer.
“That’s okay. You don’t have to tell me. I get that. I respect that.”
No. I don’t. I really don’t.
“Thanks,” he mumbles.
“But I’m still curious about the tattoos. What do the rest mean?” I point to one on his stomach, a long, beautifully carved chain that’s snapped on the end.
“That represents being caught, and being free.”
I run my fingers over it, and he shivers but he doesn’t ask me to stop so I don’t.
“And this?” I ask, stopping at a bright red rose hanging off the end of the chain, as if it’s hanging on for dear life.
“That’s for Pippa.”
I hope he doesn’t realize how my body jerks at that.
“What does it mean?” I force myself to ask in a normal tone.
“The same thing. Only more beautiful.”
Oh God.
“What about this one?” I point to the name over his heart, my name.
“The name or the design surrounding it?”
“Both,” I say.
“The name is a girl I used to know.”
“Used to?” I question casually.
“Yeah, she was my best friend growing up. I know that. I’m vague about the rest.”
“You don’t remember?”
He shrugs. “Things have happened and the memories aren’t what they should be, but I know she mattered to me, at that time, more than anyone in my world.”
My chest tightens and I want to throw my arms around his neck and tell him it’ll all be okay. I want him to know he’s not alone. That he still has that girl and he doesn’t even know it.
“She must have been special to get a place over your heart.”
He smiles and his finger goes to the tattoo, stroking over it. “Yeah,” he says, his eyes a little distant. “She sure was.”
“How come you stopped being friends?”
“I got into bad shit, things happened and . . .”
And. And. And. God, please answer the and!
“And?” I prompt.
“And I was no longer the same man. The past was best left where it was.”
God. I want to scream and protest, to tell him she would have done anything for him to come back, to know he was okay. She would have helped him. God. I would have laid down my life for him.
“I wouldn’t have thought that would matter to someone who was a friend,” I dare to say.
“No, it wouldn’t have mattered, but you know what would have hurt her? Is that I don’t remember a good deal. Everything is hazy. I can’t even recall her face—just a memory of someone I adored. I have vague memories of time I spent with her, but that whole part of my life is a hazy mess.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, because it’s all I can manage.
But one thing is for sure—Rainer didn’t recognize my face because he doesn’t remember much about that time.
That gives me some hope.
Some.
CHAPTER TWELVE
THEN – MALI
This is lame.
He’s going to hate it.
Why am I doing this?
I stand on Rainer’s front lawn, thankful his father’s car isn’t in the drive because he’d probably come out and lose his shit at me for what I’m about to do. I have to do it, though. Rainer feels as if he’s losing his best friend, and that’s not cool with me. I want him to know he’ll never lose me. The girl I was last night . . . she isn’t who I want to be, and he was right. It might have felt nice at the time, but it’s not what I’m about.
This is what I’m about.
I reach up and press the play button on the massive boom box I’m holding on my shoulder, like from that movie, ‘Say Anything’. It took me all day to locate one, but it turned out Kenny’s dad had an old one in his garage, and he was cool to let me borrow it. Now I’m standing like a fool with it resting on my shoulder because there’s no way I can hold it in the air, and praying that Rainer is in his room.
The music flows out as soon as my finger hits the button and I quickly turn the volume up to Rainer’s favorite song, the one from the movie Top Gun—“Highway to the Danger Zone.” It comes pouring out of the speakers, a heavy, sexy beat that even has my skin prickling. Okay, it’s not romantic, but it’s him, and that’s the point.
The music pounds for what seems like hours, and my shoulder aches. I wonder if he’s not home. That would be completely shit, because my plan kind of requires him to be here. Just as I’m about to lose my nerve, his window slides up and I see his half-naked form peer out. It takes him a moment to realize it’s me and then his eyes widen.
“Emy, what the fuck?” he calls down.
“I won’t stop doing this until you forgive me for being a complete dick-face. I’m sorry, Rai Rai. I was acting like a tart monkey and you were right, it’s not me. So, I’m going to charm you until you forgive me.”
He stares at me, then a big smile spreads across his face and I realize I’ve won him over.
“Get up here, kid.”
Grinning big, I lower the boom box off my shoulder and run towards the front door, dropping it at my feet just outside. A moment later, Rainer swings it open and jerks me into his arms. My tiny body flies up and my feet dangle off the floor as he holds onto me. I finally manage to get my arms around his neck and I hang onto him, so grateful he’s in my life.
“I’m sorry I was a drama queen,” I murmur.
He lets me go and stares down at me. “Yeah, me too. I was a dick.”
“A dick with his heart in the right place.”
He grins and reaches down, lifting the boom box. “Where’d you get this baby?”
“Kenny’s dad. He has everything.”
“Sweet.”
He kicks the front door closed and I follow him up to his room. I open the door for him, step in and then close and lock it behind him. He puts the boom box down and we both flop down onto his bed, looking up at the ceiling. “So, did you kick Jack the sack to the curb?” he asks.
“Nah, but I haven’t called him back. I think he’s pissed at me.”
“Because of me?”
“Maybe. I guess our friendship is one of those things a lot of people just can’t understand.”
“Nah, you’re right about that.”
“Have you seen Missy?”
He nods. “Yeah. Told her if she ever does something like that again, I’ll cut her fake plastic t
its out myself and shove them up her ass.”
“Rainer!” I laugh. “That’s so mean.”
“So is her having some giant butch beast punch my best girl in the stomach. That shit is weak, and cowardly, and I have no tolerance for it.”
“So are you still going to see her?”
“No, fuck that. Stupid bitch can’t suck cock to save her life anyway.”
“Rainer,” I scoff. “You’re being a bit nasty.”
“She deserves it.”
“What will you do now?” I ask, rolling towards him. “With no one to fuck?”
His eyes search my face and he shrugs. “I’ve got a hand.”
I scrunch up my nose. “Ugh, TMI.”
He grins. “Come on, I’m going bat-shit crazy in this house. Let’s go out.”
“Where do you want to go?” I ask, sitting up.
He sits up beside me. “I’ve got a spare bottle of alcohol, and the beach sounds pretty good. You in?”
I leap up. “You had me at alcohol.”
He grins.
Thank God. I have my friend back.
~*~*~*~
“Oh my God!” I snort-laugh, throwing a handful of sand at Rainer’s lap. “You’re such a noodle-head.”
He laughs deep. “Well you fuckin’ asked, kid.”
“I didn’t need a graphic description. I’ll never sleep again.”
He hands the half-empty bottle of whiskey to me, and I take another burning slurp before thrusting it back. We’re sitting on the beach in the dark, laughing and joking about Rainer and Missy’s former sex life. He’s telling me horror stories that make me never want to have sex. Like ever.
“I never said it was pretty. Her looks are only skin deep, believe me.”
“Ugh. Now you have me scared. I’ll probably be just the same when I finally get around to stripping down and spreading my legs.”
He nudges his shoulder into mine. “Don’t talk like that. You’re better than just spreading your legs.”
“I know, but there’s going to come a time when it’ll happen, Rai.”
“Yeah, don’t remind me.” He grunts.
Something swells in my chest, and I’m scared to admit to myself that I like his concern for me. It’s a strange sensation, something I’ve never experienced before. I can’t quite figure out what it means, but every second I spend with Rainer, it seems to get stronger.
“Why don’t you like the idea of me doing that?”
“Because . . . I dunno . . . it just seems wrong. Like no man will ever be good enough to be the one.”
“Well, unless you’re offering to pop my cherry, Rai, then there’s going to be someone to do it.”
He falls silent.
I turn, but I can’t see him clearly in the moonlight.
“Rai?”
Still nothing.
“I was kidding, dude.”
“And if I wanted to?” he finally says, his voice low.
I laugh. “You don’t want to. That would be awkward.”
“How do you know I don’t want to?”
“Because you told me I’m like a sister and you picked my perfect match as Kenny.”
He snorts. “Yeah, well, then I saw you in that dress.”
My cheeks burn and I’m thankful he can’t see it. “And told me I looked like a cheap slut.”
“Because I was pissed, because I didn’t want any other fucker seeing you like that. I never saw you like that, Emy, but then I saw you, really saw you, and fuck . . . you’re beautiful.”
Something warm explodes in my belly, travelling right to my heart and nestling itself there.
“That’s not enough of a reason for me to blur the lines of our friendship, Rai.”
“You think it would do that?” he asks seriously.
“I honestly don’t know. Kissing you was nice, and it didn’t affect anything between us, but sex . . . it’s a bond, a connection, it’s trust . . .”
“You think we don’t have those things?”
“We have all of them, but we’re not even attracted to each other. Don’t you think that would matter?”
“You’re beautiful. Why does there need to be more to it?”
He thinks I’m beautiful. I love that more than I ever expected and that scares me.
“Because we have more than most people. We have a bond and a friendship. If we risked it, or things went bad, I’d never forgive myself.”
“Or maybe you’re just scared of letting me in that far.”
I flinch beside him. I am scared. Scared that if I let the boundaries of friendship get pushed, that I’ll realize I care about Rainer more than I’m willing to admit. And I have a big fear that there’s an emotion for him that I’m pushing down, because I’m scared of what it’ll mean.
“You don’t love me, Rai.”
“Love you fuckin’ more than Jack the sack.”
“And that’s exactly what makes it different. With him, I could move on if it went bad . . . with you . . . it’d kill me.”
“I hear you, kid. Believe me, I do. I don’t want to ruin what we have here either, but . . . I dunno, it almost seems like the logical thing to do, because we trust each other.”
I reach over and take his hand. “You know, I have no doubt it would be amazing. I know you respect me enough to give me that, but Rai, I love you too much to risk it going bad, or worse . . .”
“Going good,” he says, his voice low.
“Yeah,” I admit.
“You scared you’d fall in love with me?”
I squeeze his hand. “I honestly don’t know. I already love you, Rainer, but if romance was involved, I don’t know how quickly I’d cross from loving you like a friend, to loving you as something more. You have a place in my heart—a damned big one.”
“I get that, because it’s the same for me.”
“Sometimes I wish we weren’t friends. I wish we had met and fell in love before ever getting to know each other.”
He chuckles. “So you could fuck me?”
I laugh. “No, so I could have you like that. Now, I can’t have you like that, and I don’t even know if I want to. I cherish this friendship. I cherish you. Besides, you’d drive me crazy . . .”
“Ha!” he snorts. “I think that would be the other way around. You’re a fuckin’ pain in my ass at times, woman.”
“But you love me.” I grin, nestling into him.
He throws an arm around my shoulder. “Fuck yeah, I do. You mean more to me than any person in my life.”
“You wanna know something?”
He squeezes me to let me know he does.
“You said you were scared of losing me to a man. Well, I have to admit that I’m terrified of the day you fall in love, Rainer Torrence. Because my life without you terrifies me.”
“That’ll never happen.”
“Maybe.”
“Any woman I ever fell for would have to accept your part in my life.”
“But it’d never be the same. We’d never do what we do now.”
“But we’d be friends, and that’s all I’ll ever need from you.”
“You say that now because you haven’t fallen in love yet, but when you do, she’s going to be the only thing you’ll see.”
He squeezes my shoulders. “You’re wrong, kid.”
“Maybe.”
We both fall silent.
“Rainer?”
“Hmmm?”
“If it doesn’t happen, or I don’t find the right man, I will let it be you. I will give you that piece of me. I swear it.”
“All right, kid.”
I smile.
Because a part of me really hopes I don’t find a lover, because now the thought is planted in my mind, and I can’t stop wondering what it would be like to make love to Rainer.
I think I might have just crossed the friendship line without even knowing it.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
NOW – MALI
He stayed the night.
&
nbsp; I stand, staring down at the sleeping man in my bed, and I’m shocked. I expected him to leave, I expected the conversation to get awkward, but it didn’t. He fell asleep beside me and we stayed that way the entire night. I don’t think this is something he does a lot, and I’m not sure if I should be reading more into it. Hell, maybe he was exhausted and didn’t even realize he fell asleep.
Either way, I get dressed and rush out of the room. I need coffee and Mimi, stat.
I reach the kitchen and hear Mimi singing to herself. Thank God she’s here. When she hears my approach, she spins around and her eyes go wide. Then she charges towards me, finger in the air, face furious. “Woman, you and I are going to have a talk right now!”
“Shhh,” I say, putting my hands together in a pleading way. “He’s still asleep.”
Her eyes get bigger. “He slept over! Oh my God!”
“I know,” I say, stepping past her and stealing her cup of coffee. She doesn’t seem worried and pours herself another one.
“What the hell are you doing, Mali?” she asks, standing beside me. “This is a dangerous game.”
I sigh. “I know it is, but I can’t stop . . . He has my name tattooed on him, Mimi.”
“He does?” she gasps.
I peek over my shoulder to make sure he hasn’t come into the room. “Yes,” I whisper. “He said he can’t remember much—he just knows I was important to him.”
“So you told him?”
“No, but I asked him about the name.”
“Emalie, you need to tell him.”
I shift. “I . . . I just . . . he’s in love with another woman.”
Her eyes grow sad. “Oh no.”
“Yeah, and she’s taken. He looked at her . . . God . . . with such love. I’m terrified if I tell him who I am now, he’ll leave and . . .”
Mimi steps forward and places a hand on either side of my shoulders. “You won’t know unless you tell him.”
“I just can’t.”
“So what are you going to do? Keep pretending you’re some stranger? What if he starts to care about you, or falls for you, then what are you going to do?”
