THE ART OF MENTORING
Lead, Follow and Get Out of the Way
by Shirley Peddy, Ph.D.
Copyright © 2001 by Shirley Peddy
All rights reserved. Copyright under International, Pan American, and Universal Copyright Conventions. No part of this book may be reproduced, transmitted or utilized in any manner whatsoever, without written permission from the author or publisher—except for brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.
BULLION BOOKS
9597 Jones Rd. 258
Houston, Texas 77065
The organizations and characters in this book are either the product of the author’s imagination or a combination of many people and many experiences in many organizations. Any resemblance to a specific company or individual is purely coincidental.
Publisher’s Cataloging-in-Publication
Peddy, Shirley
The Art of Mentoring: Lead, Follow and Get Out of the Way / by
Shirley Peddy, Ph.D. 2nd edition.
p. cm.
ISBN 0-9651376-6-X
I. Mentoring in business. 2. Business. 3. Success —
Psychological Aspects. I. Title.
DDN 658.3124 HF 5385 LC 98-92757
Book Design by Morgan Printing
Jacket design by Dorothy Wachtenheim
Printed in the United States of America
At Morgan Printing in Austin, Texas
DEDICATION
To all those who teach, role model, coach, tell stories, explain, listen, counsel, ask the right questions—to a group of one, and to those special mentors who are a continuing source of support and inspiration to me:
Jody Heymann
Red Peddy
Donald E. Stanford
George V. Sherman, Jr.
PREFACE
Most people skip the preface of a book. This introduction is written for those who want to know:
Why mentoring is needed
Why The Art of Mentoring is written as a story
Who the book is for
How to use it
One good reason for taking a few minutes to read the preface, and I’ve made it short, is that it may help you decide if the book is for you or your organization.
Why Mentoring Is Needed
The wave of corporate downsizings of the early nineties was greeted with euphoria by Wall Street and enthusiasm by corporate shareholders. In its wake it has left alienated survivors who no longer count on lifetime employment with one company. While organizations expected that as the inevitable price of terminating large numbers of people, most were convinced that the remaining employees’ lost loyalty would be more than compensated by renewing their commitment to learning and personal growth. Career classes were transformed into professional development workshops that exhorted employees to use their jobs to build their résumés and showed them how to manage their own careers. The students listened, and they understood.
Today, just as the demand for knowledge workers is increasing, organizations are helplessly watching the exodus of three-to-five year employees who regard their companies merely as stopping places along their career paths. These former employees have discovered the way to get promotions and higher salaries is to change employers. One three-year employee, who has since left, told me, “I didn’t know what was wrong. As soon as I got to know people, they were gone. I finally decided I was making a mistake by staying.”
The new employees hired to replace those who leave come from a younger, more diverse group, many of them products of a public education system under siege. (For more on this subject, read Chapter Eleven). They enter organizations on the verge of expansion without the benefit of the mentoring “elders” who departed after taking advantage of lucrative packages offered during the downsizings. Thus, they do their jobs never appreciating the culture and values of the organization they have joined. In time, they too join the exodus. Leaving a company where you do not feel “at home” is easy.
While mentoring cannot be expected to rebuild company loyalty, it can help restore in many employees a sense of connection to their organizations. It should not be assumed that even if a company is aware of its value that mentoring will automatically take place. In some companies, mentors are provided to a select few; in most, mentors are neither encouraged nor honored. Yet corporations, small businesses, universities and volunteer organizations are gradually coming to the realization that you train people in a group, but you save them one by one. The purpose of The Art of Mentoring is to show those interested how to foster a mentoring culture in which people are respected and rewarded for helping each other succeed.
Why The Art of Mentoring Is Written as a Story
In his powerful book How to Argue and Win Every Time attorney Gerry Spence writes, “Storytelling has been the principal means by which we have taught one another from the beginning of time.” What is mentoring but one person sharing the wisdom of his experience with another? That is one reason it is an art.
People learn in different ways. Some people enjoy stories; others prefer their information in a more structured form. Those who prefer structure may want to focus on the summaries at the end of key chapters. These are called “Notes to Mentoring File” and may be accessed easily through the “Contents.” Whatever your choice, I hope you gain practical insights and ideas from reading this book.
Who This Book Is Written For
The first edition of The Art of Mentoring was meant for managers, human resources professionals, and training consultants whose organizations were involved in mentoring. It applied equally to small businesses, universities, and professional organizations.
Today, organizations and institutions recognize that while their focus has been on training mentors, they can increase the success of mentoring initiatives by giving equal attention to protégés or “mentees.” For this reason, the second edition includes two new chapters (thirteen and fourteen) on “the art of being mentored.”
In the two years since it was written, The Art of Mentoring has found a large audience among individuals who want to make use of its practical insights and ideas. In the second edition we describe the four purposes of mentoring and show you how to find a mentor. This is meant to make the book even more useful for individuals.
Finally, Lead, Follow and Get Out of the Way is more than a subtitle. It is descriptive of a process that is fully explained in “Chapter Eleven.”
How to Use It
There are many lessons in the book, and anyone with a job could learn some significant ways to improve just by eavesdropping on the dialogues within. For example, when Rachel teaches Justin how to ask for a raise, she explains to him the three taboos he has violated and gives him examples of what to say and how to say it. There are similar passages regarding handling conflict, transforming a job and making a graceful apology, to name a few.
The Art of Mentoring covers some of the more contentious mentoring issues in organizations today: helping the new employee master the work and unspoken rules, improving interpersonal skills, dealing with job dissatisfaction, workaholism, cynicism, and lack of motivation at the end of a career. Training organizations might use it as a casebook. It contains numerous vignettes to illustrate the points covered.
My recommendation is to hand it out to employees as a guidebook and discussion tool while encouraging and rewarding mentoring. Is mentoring part of what a learning organization does? Of course, but you will see as you read this book, mentoring should not be treated as a program or a workshop. The establishing of a mentoring culture shows the organization’s commitment to the employee, and that’s why it is a powerful tool that can change the way people think about their work—as well as the companies they work for.
&
nbsp; Shirley Peddy
Corpus Christi, Texas
January 2001
CONTENTS
Acknowledgments
Prologue: The Challenge
1. Mentors and Mentoring
What Is a Mentor? • Why Mentoring Is an Art • How Mentors Do It • Can You Mentor Your Own Children? • Mentoring Requires Objectivity and Distance • Should Supervisors Mentor Subordinates? • What Do Mentors Do?
2. First Impressions
Two Years Earlier: Houston • Management at To Your Health • The Marketers • Morale at TYH, Lucien’s Story
3. Developing Relationships
Building Trust • Alicia, the Challenge of Overwork • Charlie’s Story: Economic Problems of TYH • The Marketers: Charlie’s Assessment • Mentoring Young Adults • Notes to Mentoring File: Starting a Mentoring Relationship, The Mentoring Spirit: Charlie’s List
4. Being a Role Model
Katy, The Challenge of Interpersonal Behavior • Lucien’s Story Continued: The History of the White Walls at TYH • Avoiding an Apology: The Five Meaningless Games • Role Modeling • Stuart, The Challenge of Cynicism • Notes to Mentoring File: Mentors as Teachers
5. Mentoring through Difficult Situations
Preparing for a Difficult Conversation • When Giving Feedback Is Going To Be Hard • Notes to Mentoring File: Working through Problems—When the Issue Is the Person Being Mentored, When the Person Has Problems with a Co-worker
6. Collaboration and Conflicts
Using a Network • Conflicting Agendas
7. Generating Enthusiasm and Energy
Funding the Wall Rebellion • Tom’s Story: The Salary System’s Negative Impact on Marketers • Tom, The Challenge of Motivation at the End of a Career • First Impressions of Justin • The Minor “Wall Rebellion” Continues
8. Asking the Right Questions
Alicia’s Role • Job Transformation: A Process • Notes to Mentoring File: Clarifying a Person’s Thinking about Her Current Role, Transforming the Job
9. Straight Talk
Katy Gets the Message • Straight Talk with Katy • Handling Conflict Situations • The Fallacy of Focusing on Feelings • Handling “Sabotage” • Responding vs. Reacting • Straight Talk with Stuart • Notes to Mentoring File: The Mentor as Honest and Empathetic Listener, Responding Rather Than Reacting in Conflict Situations
10. Building Confidence
Challenging the Status Quo • Leaving Home • Getting the “Star Treatment” • Winning Approval • Asking for a Salary Increase • Notes to Mentoring File: Explaining How the System Works, Three Taboos When Asking For More Money
11. Lead, Follow and Get Out of the Way
Learning the Knowledge and Skills to Succeed • Passing Down Values and Culture • The “Lead, Follow and Get Out of the Way” Process Explained • Notes to Mentoring File: Process Summary, Mentoring Moments
12. Problems and Problem Solving
Overworking Others • A De-motivating Salary System • Being Treated with Respect • Interpersonal Style • Immaturity • Solutions
13. The Art of Being Mentored
When We Need Mentors • Setting Learning Goals • Reciprocity • Establishing a Mentoring Relationship • Long Distance Relationships • Formal and Informal Relationships • Stages of a Mentoring Relationship • Notes to Mentoring File: Establishing a Mentoring Relationship
14. Preparing to Fly Solo
Mentoring Pitfalls • Getting the Most from Your Relationship • Principles Every Mentee Should Learn • Notes to Mentoring File: Be Aware of Potential Pitfalls, Lucien’s Principles for Mentees and Mentors
15. Stressful Situations
Warning signs • The Conflict between Supervising and Mentoring • Alicia’s Dilemma • The Power of Purpose • Defining Options • Notes to Mentoring File: Counseling on Personal Problems
16. Transitions and Changes
The Fate of TYH • The Offer
17. A Mentoring Moment
The Event • Aftermath
18. Getting Out of the Way
The Importance of Transitions • Breaking the News • Private Good-byes
19. Back to the Present
News of Brad • Tough Calls
Bibliography
The Author
Order Form
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
The ideas in this book did not originate with me. Rather they are a culmination of the gifts I have received from many people. It is here that I offer my thanks to those mentoring spirits who have so generously enriched my work.
My sister, Jody Heymann, is one of the people to whom I have dedicated this book. I do not have the space to recite the countless ways she has been a mentor to me, but I want to acknowledge and thank her for the world-class editing she did on this book. Another who has mentored me for twenty-five wonderful years is my husband, Red. How many times can you read one manuscript? He is truly “the wind beneath my wings.”
Donald E. Stanford was my major professor and mentor at Louisiana State University. I was going through a very difficult time in my life when I went to Baton Rouge. From him and his gracious wife Marianna, I learned how important it is to mentor the whole person.
I owe a debt of gratitude to George V. Sherman, Jr. for his valuable advice and support on this project as well as on Secrets of the Jungle. Using the mentor’s art, he has had a positive influence on both books.
Dick Francis, Pat Mulva, Richard Buddeke, Robert Bates, and Larry Kerbow were “silent contributors” to this book. I have watched them give generously of themselves to help others shine more brightly. I owe them my thanks for teaching me the meaning of “the mentoring spirit.”
No writer can exist without people willing to read early transcripts and offer their constructive criticism. I have been fortunate to find friends who were willing to share the unfolding of the book with me. Sara Tays and Susan Buddeke provided both advice and moral support as I worked on this project.
In this book I wrote about “mentoring moments,” those flashes of insight you receive “on the spot” from someone that help you make a decision or a connection. Sometimes, it is something the person says; sometimes it is something he does. For powerful “mentoring moments” I want to thank Vince Hennessey, Gene Dalton, John Trice, Roberta Wood-Hughes, Merida Steele, Dave Radcliffe, and Dianne Burns.
Finally, I am grateful to my daughters Dana Beard and Terri Pitts and their husbands, Jon Beard and Martin Pitts, for showing me how to handle life’s obstacles with a mixture of humor and perseverance. I also want to thank them for the many stories they have shared about life at work.
One of the things mentors do is to pass down their wisdom through such stories. Three of the most delightful storytellers I’ve ever learned from are Dr. Hans Heymann, Polly Kerbow, and Geri Sherman. May they sit around the campfire forever, teaching us what we need to know about life.
Storytelling has been the principal means by which we have taught one another from the beginning of time. The campfire. The tribal members gathered round, the little children peeping from behind the adults, their eyes as wide as dollars, listening, listening. The old man—can you hear his crackly voice, telling his stories of days gone by? Something is learned from the story—the way to surround and kill a saber-toothed tiger, the hunt for the king of the mastodons in a far-off valley, how the old man survived the storm. There are stories of love, of the discovery of magic potions, of the evil of the warring neighboring tribes—all learning of man has been handed down for eons in the form of stories.
Gerry Spence
How to Argue and Win Every Time
TO THE READER
My name is Rachel Hanson, and I’m going to tell you a tale not of two cities but of two companies. One of these companies, To Your Health, Inc. (TYH), makes and sells vitamins, herbal remedies, and other health products, which are produced at its plant in Sugar Land, Texas, and marketed through its sales office in Houston. The other is my employer, Perry Win
kle Enterprises (PWE), a conglomerate with its main focus on the food, home chemicals, and pharmaceutical industries. Where the history of these two companies intersected is but a backdrop for my real story, which is about people like you and me who are committed to helping others succeed by passing down the important lessons we’ve learned. I want to share this with you because of a letter I received yesterday. I am still captured by its messages, and I want to reveal those messages within the context of my story because it’s important to me that you understand.
PROLOGUE
THE CHALLENGE
In 1997, Perry Winkle Enterprises acquired TYH, leaving its management intact. By March of 1998, PWE’s management was concerned about TYH’s own “long range health” and was wondering, behind closed doors, whether the acquisition had been a mistake. In spite of the national focus on fitness, sales had been slipping, and what at first had appeared a blip on the balance sheet was beginning to look like a trend. The following month a new marketing manager, one with PWE credentials, was installed, the former manager having taken advantage of a generous benefits package and exited stage right.
Ben Turner put in four months, had a massive heart attack, and took an early retirement from PWE. Then, to make matters worse, two weeks later To Your Health’s Wholesale Marketing Supervisor left for greener pastures. Things were in disarray. That’s when I entered the scene. I’m a former marketer turned organizational effectiveness consultant, and I work for the Pharmaceutical Division of Perry Winkle. The project I had been involved in was near completion, and Elroy Grant, our Vice President (a.k.a. “the drug czar of PWE”), asked Ira Sharp, Human Resources Manager, to loan me to him to fill in as Wholesale Marketing Supervisor until a permanent and available replacement could be identified. Ira agreed, and Elroy sent for me.
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