Since I don’t really know anything about this pleasure party, I have no idea what to wear. I can’t reach Mya to find out what she is wearing so I decide to go dressy casual. It is absolutely freezing lately so I opt to not wear the cute open toe pumps that I found at the Nordstrom Rack the other day. They are Marc Jacobs and I found them for only $79.99! Can you believe it? Granted I won’t be able to wear them for several months now but it’s an investment really.
I am wearing my favorite black J Brand jeans with my black Stuart Weitzman booties and long cashmere sweater. It’s pouring down rain, as usual so to add a splash of color and practicality I am going to wear my new olive green Calvin Klein rain trench coat and cheetah print scarf. It is so chic. I feel really posh when I wear it. I have to say that I look truly amazing tonight. I even give the appearance that I am quite well off. It may be an illusion, but they all don’t need to know my credit card debt. Perhaps I went to college and actually got a job that pays my bills and allows a luxurious lifestyle! It must happen to somebody with a degree! Doesn’t it?
We walk into the house and there is an eclectic group of women. Young, old, preppy, hippie. As I scan the room, I realize that it is all women. There is not a single man in the whole house! Oh what have I gotten myself into? Is it some sort of feminist self help group? Like the women in Jerry Maguire that talk about being divorced and cry about how pathetic they are? I’m all about girl power but I am not ready for group counseling.
“Mya, there aren’t any men here? What kind of party is this again?” I whisper as we pour a glass of wine.
“Men aren’t allowed to be here.” Mya replies as though it is obvious.
“What?! Where did you bring me, Mya?” I ask looking around suspiciously. Now that I think about it, that one looks a little uh, masculine if you know what I mean?
“Natalie, it’s a party about sex toys and stuff. I thought you knew?” Oh my god. I’m at a sex party? I’ve never been to a sex party! I don’t even own a vibrator!
“Um, no I didn’t know. Are they all…lesbians too?” I gulp my glass of wine down and begin to pour another. I’m going to need reinforcements from Mr. Pinot Grigio.
“No you crack head! It’s the law in Oregon that men can’t be present…I think. Have another drink Natalie. Please!” Mya fills up my glass and I begin to relax.
The party begins and we are all gifted with pens that are in the shape of penises. Oh and they glow in the dark. For those who feel the need to write with the lights off I suppose. Yeah, I don’t get it either.
Some ladies are very well versed in the myriad of lubricants and dildos while others appear to be so embarrassed by it all, they don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Some do both. I personally didn’t know there were so many things to enhance one’s pleasure in the bedroom. There are lotions and lubes to increase stimulation by your mate. There are sprays to put on the sheets to create a silken texture and even faux rose petals for those extra romantic nights.
As humorous as the whole affair is, I feel a bit sad. I wish I had a man to bring home fun little extras to spice up our tedious sex life. One night stands don’t really give the opportunity to grow tired of the same old routine. I hear women talk about how their husband would love this while others talk about how their boyfriends need to try that. My melancholy state almost begins to ruin my buzz, when from the suitcase our party coordinator brings out a different type of buzz.
As I scramble through our catalogue to find this interesting novelty, it is passed around the room. It is shaped just like a real penis, texture and all! But it has a special little curve that our coordinator explains is to help discover the G-Spot! Yes, I have heard of this alleged G-Spot! I read about how to find it in Cosmo but to my dismay, I confirmed one solitary night that it must be an urban legend. Yet this device is guaranteed to improve technique and one’s chances of meeting the almighty G. I have to have it. I must! I am a chronically single woman who lives alone. It is my destiny!
“Are you going to get anything Mya?” I ask as everyone is filling out their order forms and discussing what items they prefer.
“I don’t know. I don’t really feel like spending any money. I might get that bottle of lube though.” She replies casually.
“I’m getting this!” I point to the item on the catalogue page in excitement.
“I thought you didn’t have very much money?” She warns.
“Yeah but I need this. I mean, I don’t know when I might get to have sex again. I’m a single woman who has needs too!” This is very true. It has been quite some time and since I have grown tired of my early twenties one night stands, I need to supplement it with something!
“That’s true. It’s better than picking up some random guy in a bar. Come on let’s go in and order.” We walk into the room where it is just us and the party coordinator. Apparently, this is to keep the ordering private. It doesn’t make much sense to me since everyone just spent the past 15 minutes sharing order forms to see what was being ordered but oh well. When in Rome!
I am very disappointed to learn that my selection will have to be ordered by mail and although I am spending my money right now, I won’t be able to go home with my new friend. Oh well. All in good time I suppose. I must say that I am feeling pretty good and could quite possibly be tipsy from this wine. This has been a good night indeed!
All good nights must come to an end however. Mine was around 10:35 when I passed out on my bed from being drunk. It was even worse when I woke up Sunday morning with a terrible headache and wretched taste in my mouth. It appeared to be a combination of stale wine and creamy artichoke dip. Apparently, I was so drunk that I didn’t even brush my teeth! Good lord, how much wine did I have?
Again, since I have no food, I am starving so I brush my teeth, throw on some clothes and a baseball cap and head over to the bagel shop to get breakfast. The baseball cap is a fine accessory for the bleary eyed and pasty faced. It covers the unattended coif while also casting shadow over the face. I always feel a little like Quasimoto when I enter the outside world without makeup. There are sacrifices to be made however when one requires sustenance.
Have you ever noticed how excellent food can be after a night of drinking? I was starving and my bagel breakfast egg sandwich with extra cheese and no meat was the best thing I ever tasted. I down another cup of coffee and realize that I seriously need to open my check book to write down and calculate my debits. Yes I know everyone else does online banking. I still like to write it all down. My theory is it makes me more responsible for what I spend.
Let’s see, where is the receipt from Starbucks? Oh yes, there it is. Okay so that’s $10.55 there. I was out of coffee that day so it made sense to buy my beans there while I picked up my Pumpkin Spice Latte. Why make another trip to the grocery store? Unless of course, one needed to get groceries, which actually, I did and still do but never mind. I sort through my purse and find all my debits including the one from last night and begin to calculate it all. Oh, this can’t be right. No, this cannot be right at all. It is Sunday and I don’t get paid until Friday and I have $4.78 in my account? How can this be? I can’t live on $4.78 for 5 days! It isn’t humanly possible! Not to mention that I have a granola bar, some bread and some pasta in my cupboards! I can’t make a meal with that concoction! It was the vibrator. Why did I buy it? I don’t need it! And I didn’t even get to take it home with me! I will just call the lady and tell her to cancel my order. Yes that’s what I will do.
I find the receipt and call the phone number on the bottom. How could this lady take advantage of me like that? Didn’t she know I was drunk? That’s why those fancy boutiques give customers champagne while shopping! If you get people drunk, they won’t realize they are spending their grocery money on superficial things!
The phone rings for what seems an eternity but finally the lady picks up.
“Um, yes, my name is Natalie Everett. I attended the party last night.” It is important to be professional and polite immediate
ly.
“Uh, yeah, what can I do for you?” Uh, yeah? For someone in sales, she does not appear to be very polished.
“Well, I purchased an item and I would like to cancel my order.” I say quick and to the point.
“Sorry, but all sales are final. You can’t.” She says quick and to the point as well. Rather hastily might I add?
“What do you mean all sales are final? I didn’t even get to bring my item home. I have changed my mind. Aren’t people allowed to change their minds?” Okay, I began the conversation in a calm manner but this is getting ridiculous.
“Do you have your receipt there, uh, Natalie?” She asks me with a bit of annoyance in her tone.
“Yes, I have it right here. That’s how I got your…”
“You see the bottom of the receipt? What does it say?” She asks even more annoyed.
“It says…oh, um… all sales are final.” I reply quietly. I think I have been defeated.
“But, but I have no food and…”
“Thank you for shopping with Pleasure Party of America. Have a nice day.” Click.
“Mya, do you know what just happened!” This is her fault. She’s the one that brought me to that stupid party in the first place. I was perfectly content to stay home and watch some mindless reality show or something.
“Natalie, this isn’t a good time. Can I call you back? I’m on my way to a study group and I think I’m lost.” Well I’m glad somebody is able to go do something today because I won’t be able to do anything for 5 whole days!
“Mya that lady won’t let me get a refund on the item I bought last night!” I reply somewhat hysterically.
“You mean your vibrator? Why do you need to return it?”
“Because I don’t have any money left now. I have no food in my house and I don’t have money to buy groceries. I can’t even use my credit card because I bought that new jacket and my new shoes. I don’t want a stupid vibrator.” I sob. How did I get myself in this position?
“Well, you said last night that you are a single woman and it was something you needed. I’m sure you will realize that it was a smart purchase eventually.” Mya tries to reassure me even though she probably thinks I’m barking mad. That’s a sign of a true friend right there.
“I can’t eat my vibrator! I have enough spare change to get two meals at Taco Bell! I’m going to starve to death! By Friday, my cheeks will appear gaunt and I probably will have passed out by then as well. This is serious!”
“Natalie, I know you have food in your cupboards. You just don’t want to eat it. Desperate measures mean you’ll just have to eat the Minestrone soup that’s been there since last winter. Go to your mother’s one night for dinner and if you’re really nice, I might be able to spot you one night for dinner out somewhere. It will be fine Natalie.” Survival skills, yes I can do this.
“Okay I guess you’re right. I will sacrifice Starbucks for this week. I would have enjoyed my latte a lot more today if I realized it was the last one I would have all week.” A tear begins to roll down my cheek and I begin to whimper.
“Natalie, it’s a lesson in moderation. It isn’t the last supper for crying out loud. You will live I promise. Call me later okay? I’m at my friend’s house.” Mya is always the smart and rational one. I’m so lucky to have her.
“Alright I’ll talk to you later.” Although Mya’s pep talk did help me out, I wished I had Jenna to talk to as well. She would laugh at me and let me see the funny side of it all. Leave it to me to use my grocery money on a sex toy. I miss Jenna.
Chapter Forty-Eight
Because of my current financial matters, I decided to utilize all of my resources immediately. Of course, this entailed a phone call to my mother suggesting we get together for dinner tomorrow night. I explained that I was craving her fabulous vegetarian lasagna, garden salad with homemade Italian dressing and warm garlic bread. It was desperate times so I even threw in a mommy just to make sure she wouldn’t cave.
“Oh darling that is a wonderful idea. I haven’t seen in you in ages. I’ll make dinner and you can bring dessert. This will be fun!”
My mother hung up, giddy that her only daughter wanted to have dinner with her and I couldn’t help but feel a pang of guilt. It was true; the only time I spent with my mother was usually out of guilt. Now I have to bring dessert which defeats the purpose of mooching off her in the first place. Hmm, oh I have it! I will stop by the bakery on my way over and pick up a couple of tarts. After 5 P.M. they’re half price. We can cut them up and pretend it’s a dessert tray. Sometimes I impress even myself.
While sitting in rush hour traffic, I figure it is a good time to call Mya and ask her why she lied and didn’t call me back yesterday. Lately, she has been acting very different. It’s almost as if she is avoiding me which I don’t like at all.
“Hi what’s going on?” Cool, friendly, non accusatory is the best way to begin.
“Oh hey Nat can I call you back. This isn’t a good time.” Heart rate increasing…steam forming out of the ear canals…
“What do you mean? Mya it is never a good time anymore with you! Did I do something wrong? What is going on?!” Something in me just snapped. I had lost Jenna as a friend and I felt that I was gradually losing Mya as well.
“I’m sorry. I just don’t know what to do. I’m so miserable right now and I feel like shit lying to Kyle. I think I have to break up with him and I’m afraid to talk to you about it because you know Kyle is a great boyfriend and you’ll think I’m a bitch and…” Every woman has to have her occasional emotional meltdown. Mya had them less frequently than most but this was her time. In fact, judging by the moans and squeals in between sobs, I think it was long overdue.
“Okay, take a deep breath. Where would I have the right to judge anyone? Apart from my relationship with Josh, I have been the worst girlfriend in the world! I am your friend, not Kyle’s. He is a nice guy but he may not be the guy for you Mya. You are 24 years old. You are almost done with nursing school and about to embark on a whole new chapter of your life. Who says you have to also choose your husband now as well?”
“I know. I just don’t want to hurt him, you know what I mean? What if I throw away the best boyfriend I’ve ever had?”
In reality, it was somewhat true. Kyle was the best boyfriend she had in many ways. Mya, like most of us had fallen into the trap of falling for hot, mysterious and shallow men. They would usually wait for her to finally give in and have sex with them and then dump her after the challenge was over. She had been cheated on and used by so many men that it was no surprise that she fell for Kyle. He respected her and would never treat her like the others had. But sometimes when we yearn for the exact opposite, we find that the pendulum has drifted a little too far. It was too content and too secure. It was not sexy and not interesting.
“Natalie, do you think that we will ever find happiness with a guy?” Mya had controlled her sobbing and asked a question that in all honesty, I wondered myself.
“You know Mya, I think we will find happiness in a relationship when we are truly happy with our own lives. Maybe it just isn’t the right time for us. Look at Jenna for instance. She is perfect on the outside but can be completely clueless on the inside. And that’s okay, don’t get me wrong. But when someone is unhappy with themselves, they are going to fall in the arms of people like Rob. And look at me! I hate my job, I barely live paycheck to paycheck and my soul mate is a cat that has been in my life much longer than any man!”
“But at least he lets you watch whatever you want and doesn’t make your sheets smell like butt. Why do men smell so bad?” Oh, she was feeling better.
“Kyle makes our room smell awful. Is there something with the testosterone? Oh Natalie, I think I just need to do it. Where are you right now?”
“Actually, I’m just pulling in to my mother’s driveway. She is making me dinner because I’m a terrible mooching daughter.” I had really begun to feel the guilt now.
“You’re not a
terrible daughter. Just don’t buy anymore vibrators unless you know you can afford it.”
“Duly noted.”
“I hate to ask you this, but do you think I could crash with you for a bit? I feel terrible kicking him out of the house with nowhere to go.”
“But Mya, it is your condo. Your name is on the dotted line, not his.” One of the perks to a grand inheritance is being able to buy your very own home.
“Please Natalie? I won’t be a burden I promise; just until Kyle can get himself setup somewhere else.”
“Okay, as long as you don’t mind sleeping on an air mattress.”
“Thanks Nat. I have your spare key so I’ll probably just let myself in.”
“Okay, I’ll talk to ya later.” This won’t be so bad; it’ll be like sharing a dorm like in college, right?
“Who is sleeping on an air mattress?” Unfortunately, I finished my conversation while walking into my mother’s kitchen. Sloppy Natalie!
Disillusion Meets Delight Page 18
