Wives, children, and parishes are adornments, obligations, and means of livelihood. They are what a man has as well, but only as well. Herr Dremmel during these years had trained his parish to be unobtrusive in return for his own unobtrusiveness, and in spite of occasional restiveness on the part of Baron Glambeck, who continued from time to time, on the ground that the parish was becoming heathen and displaying the smug contentment characteristic of that condition, to endeavour to persuade the authorities to remove him somewhere else, was more firmly established than ever in the heart of a flock that only wanted to be left alone; and as for his wife and children, he regarded them benevolently as the necessary foundation of his existence, the airy cellars that kept the fabric above sweet and dry. Like cellars, one had to have them, and one was glad when they were good, but one did not live in them. As a wise man who wished to do fine work before being overtaken by the incapacitations of death, he had contrived his life so that it should contain enough love to make him able to forget love. It is not, he had come to know very well since his marriage, by doing without but by having that one can clear one’s mind of wanting; and it is only the cleared mind that can achieve anything at all in the great work of helping the world to move more quickly on its journey towards the light.
For some weeks after Ingeborg’s departure he was immensely unaware of her absence. It was June, that crowded month for him who has experimental fields; and small discomforts at home, such as ill-served, unpunctual meals and rooms growing steadily less dusted, at no time attracted his notice. He would come out of his laboratory after a good morning’s work in much the same spirit with which the bridegroom issuing from his chamber, a person details cannot touch, is filled, and would eat contentedly any food he found lying about and be off to his fields almost before Robertlet and Ditti had done struggling with their bibs and saying their preliminary grace.
The children, however, took no base advantage of this being left to themselves. Robertlet did not turn on Ditti and seize her dinner because she was a girl; Ditti did not conceal more than her share of pudding in her pocket for comfort during the empty afternoon hours. They sat in silence working through the meal, using their knives to eat with instead of their forks, for knives rather than forks were in their blood, and unmoved by the way in which bits they had carefully stalked round and round their plates ended by tumbling over the edge on to the tablecloth. They were patient children, and when that happened they made no comment, but dropping their knives also on the tablecloth picked up the bits in their fingers and ate them. At the end Ditti said the closing grace as her mother had taught her, Robertlet having officiated at the opening one, and they both stood behind their chairs with their eyes shut while she expressed gratitude in German to the dear Saviour who had had the friendliness to be their guest on that occasion, and having reached the Amen, in which Robertlet joined, they did not fall upon each other and fight, as other unshepherded children filled with meat and pudding might have done, but left the room in a sober file and went to the kitchen and requested the servant Rosa, who was the one who would have been their nurse if they had had one, to accompany them to their bedroom and see that they cleaned their teeth.
They spent the afternoons in not being naughty.
Herr Dremmel, accordingly, because of this health and sobriety in his children and his own indifference to his comfort, had no domestic worries such as engulf other men whose wives are away to disturb him, and it was not till July was drawing to a close and a long drought forced leisure upon him that Ingeborg’s image began to obtrude itself through the chinks of his work.
At first he thought of her as a mother, as somebody heavy, continually recovering from or preparing for illness; but presently he began to think of her as a wife, as his wife, as his proper complement and relaxation from all this toil shut up in a dull laboratory. She seemed to grow brighter and lighter thought of like that, and by the time he received a letter asking if she might stay away another fortnight to complete what was being a thorough cure she was so brightly in his mind that he felt extremely disappointed.
He wrote giving the permission she asked, and made the discovery that his house looked empty and that a fortnight was long. He paced the garden in the hot evenings, smoking beneath the lime-trees where he and she at the beginning used so gaily to breakfast, and forgot how slow of movement and mind she had been for several years, how little he had really seen of her, how more and more his attitude towards her had been one of patience; and when he went in to his supper, which he suddenly did not like and criticised, what he found himself looking for was not the figure he had been used to find lying silent on the sofa, but the quick, light, flitting thing that laughed and pulled his ears, the Ingeborg of the beginning, his little sheep.
On the day she came home, although it was the very height of harvesting and the first samples of the year’s grain lay on his table waiting to be examined, he gave up the afternoon to driving in to Meuk to meet her, and waited on the platform with an impatient expectancy he had not felt for years.
“It is not good for man to live alone,” were his first words as he embraced her largely in the door of the railway carriage, while the porter, in a fever to get out the hand luggage and run and attend to other passengers, had to wait till he had done. “Little sheep, how could you stay away so long from the old shepherd?”
She was looking very well, he thought — sunburnt and with many new freckles, rounder, quite young, a sweet little wife for a long solitary husband to have coming home to him.
He lifted her proudly into the carriage and drove through Meuk with his arm round her, waving the other one at the doctor who rallied past them in his own high shaky vehicle and shouting, “Cured!”
The doctor, however, seemed surprised at seeing Ingeborg, and did not smile back but looked inscrutably at them both.
She asked about the welfare of the children, and whether their ears had been properly washed.
“Ears?” exclaimed Herr Dremmel. “And what, pray, have the ears of others to do with a reunited wedded couple?”
She hoped, a little hurriedly, that Rosa and the cook had been good to him.
“Rosa and the cook?” he cried. “What talk is this of Rosa and the cook? If you are not silent with your domesticities I will kiss you here and now in the middle of the open highroad.”
She said she had never really thanked him for letting her go to Zoppot and be there so long.
“Too long, Little One,” he interrupted, drawing her closer. “Almost had I forgotten what a dear little wife I possess.”
“But I’m going to make up for it all now,” she said, “and work harder than I’ve ever done in my life.”
“At making the good Robert happy,” he said, pinching her ear.
“And doing things for the children. Dreadful to think of them all this time without me. Were they good?”
“Good as fishes.”
“Robert — fishes?”
“They are well, Little One, and happy. That is enough about the children. Tell me rather about you, how you filled up your days.”
“I walked, I sailed, I bathed, I lay in the sun, and I made resolutions.”
“Excellent. I shall await the result with interest.”
“I hope you’ll like them. I know they’ll be very good for the children.”
She had so earnest a face that he pulled it round by the chin and peered at it. Seen close she was always prettiest, full of delicacy and charm of soft fair skin, and after examining her a moment with a pleased smile he stooped down and did, after all, kiss her.
She flushed and resisted.
“What?” he said, amused. “The little wife growing virginal again?”
“You’ve made my hat crooked,” she said, putting up her hands to straighten it. “Robert, how are the fields?”
“I will not talk about the fields. I will talk about you.”
“Oh, Robert. You know,” she added nervously, “I’m not really well yet. I’ve still got
to go on taking tiresome things — that tonic, you know. The doctor there said I’m still anæmic—”
“We will feed her on portions of the strongest ox.”
“So you mustn’t mind, if I — if I—”
“I mind nothing if only I once more have my little wife at home,” said Herr Dremmel; and when he helped her down on to the parsonage steps, where stood Robertlet and Ditti in a stiff and proper row waiting motionless till their mother should have got near enough for them to present her with the nosegays they were holding, he kissed her again, and again pinched her ear, and praised God aloud that his widowerhood was over.
They had tea, a meal that had long before been substituted for the heavier refreshment of coffee, in a parlour filled with flowers by Rosa and the cook, the very cake, baked for the occasion, being strewn with them. Herr Dremmel lounged on the sofa behind the table looking placidly content, with one arm round his wife, while Robertlet and Ditti, awed by the splendours of the decorations for their mother’s home-coming and their own best clothes and spotless bibs, sat opposite, being more completely good than ever. From their side of the table they stared unflinchingly at the two people on the sofa — at their comfortably reclining, pleased-looking father, whom they knew so differently as a being always hurriedly going somewhere else, at their mother sitting up very straight, with her veil pushed up over her nose, pouring out tea and smiling at them and keeping on giving them more jam and more milk and more cake even after, aware from their sensations that overflowing could not be far off, they had informed her by anxious repetitions of the word satt, which she did not seem to hear, that they were already in a dangerous condition. And they wondered dimly why, when she poured out the tea, her hand shook and made it spill.
“I will now,” said Herr Dremmel when the meal was finished, getting up and brushing crumbs out of the many folds that were characteristic of his clothes, “retire for a space into my laboratory.”
He looked at Ingeborg and smiled. “Picture it,” he said. “The only solace I have now had for two months and a half has been in the bony arms of my laboratory. I grow weary of them. It is well to have one’s little wife home again. A man, to do his work, needs his life complete, equipped in each of its directions. His laboratory seems bony to him if he has not also a wife; his wife would seem not bony enough if he had not also a laboratory. Bony and boneless, bony and boneless — it is the swing of the pendulum of the wise man’s life.” And he bent over her and lifted her face up again by putting his finger under her chin. “Is it not so, Little One?” he asked, smiling.
“I — suppose so,” said Ingeborg.
“Suppose so!”
He laughed, and pulled an escaping tendril of her hair, and went away in great contentment and immersed himself very happily in the saucers of new grain waiting to be weighed and counted.
It was a fine August afternoon, and his windows were open, for there was no wind to blow his papers about, and he was pleased when he presently became aware out of the corner of an eye withdrawn an instant from its work that his wife had come out on to the path below and was walking up and down it in the way she used to before the acuter period of the sofa and the interest in life beyond the grave had set in.
He liked to see her there. There was a grass bank sloping up from the path to beneath his windows, and by standing on tip-toe on the top of this and stretching up an arm as far as it would go one was just able to tap against the glass. He remembered how she used to do this when first they were married, on very fine days, to try to lure him out from his duties into dalliance with her among the lilacs. It amused him to find himself almost inclined to hope she would do it now, for it was long since there had been dalliance and he felt this was an occasion, this restoration to normality, on which some slight trifling in a garden would not be inappropriate.
But Ingeborg, though she loitered there nearly half an hour, did not even look up. She wandered up and down in the cool shade the house threw across the path in the afternoon, her hat off, apparently merely enjoying the beauty of a summer day bending towards its evening, and presently he forgot her in the vivid interest of what he was doing; so that it was the surprised expression of some one who has forgotten and is trying to recall that he looked at her when, after a knock at the door which he had not heard, he saw her come in and stand at the corner of his table waiting till he had done counting — a process he conducted aloud — to the end of the row of grains he was engaged upon.
His thoughts were still chiefly with them as he looked up at her when he had done and had written down the result, but there was room in them also for a slight wonder that she should be there. She had not penetrated into his laboratory for years. She had been tamed, after a period of recurring insurrections, into respect for its sanctity. But he did not mind being interrupted on this occasion; on the contrary, as soon as he had fully returned to consciousness he was pleased. There was a large warmth pervading Herr Dremmel that afternoon which made him inclined not to mind anything. “Well, Little One?” he said.
Immediately she began to deliver what sounded like a speech. He gazed at her in astonishment. She appeared to be in a condition of extreme excitement; she was addressing him rapidly in a trembling voice; she was much flushed, and was holding on to the edge of the table. It was so sudden and so headlong that it was like nothing so much as the gushing forth of the long corked-up contents of an over-full bottle, and he gazed at her in an astonishment that did not for some time permit him to gather the drift of what she was saying.
When he did she had already got to the word Ruins.
“Ruins?” repeated Herr Dremmel.
“Ruins, ruins. It must stop — it can’t go on. Oh, I saw it so clearly the last part of the time in Zoppot. I suppose it was the sea wind blew me clear. Our existence, Robert, our decently happy existence in a decently happy home with properly cared-for children—”
“But,” interrupted Herr Dremmel, raising his hand, “one moment — what is it that must stop?”
“Oh, don’t you see all that will be in ruins about us — but in ruins, Robert — all our happy life — if I go on in this — in this wild career of — of unbridled motherhood?”
Herr Dremmel stared. “Unbridled — ?” he began; then he repeated, so deep was his astonishment, “Wild career of — Ingeborg, did you say unbridled motherhood?”
“Yes,” said Ingeborg, pressing her hands together, evidently extraordinarily agitated. “I learned that by heart at Zoppot, on purpose to say to you. I knew if I didn’t directly I got into this room I’d forget everything I meant to say. I know it sounds ridiculous, the way I say it—”
“Unbridled motherhood?” repeated Herr Dremmel. “But — are you not a pastor’s wife?”
“Oh, yes, yes — I know, I know. I know there’s Duty and Providence, but there’s me, too — there is me, too. And, Robert, won’t you see? We shall be happy again if I’m well, we shall be two real people instead of just one person and a bit of one — you and a battered thing on a sofa—”
“Ingeborg, you call a wife and a mother engaged in carrying out her obligations a battered thing on a sofa?”
“Yes,” said Ingeborg, hurrying on to the principal sentence of those she had prepared at Zoppot and learned by heart, desperately clutching at it before Robert’s questions had undermined her courage and befogged the issues. “Yes, and I’ve come to the conclusion after ripe meditation — after ripe yes — the production of the — of the — yes, of the already extinct” — (dead seemed an unkind word, almost rude) “is wasteful, and that — and that — ....Oh, Robert,” she cried, flinging out her hands and letting go all the rest of the things she had learned to say, “don’t you think this persistent parenthood might end now?”
He stared at her in utter amazement.
“It — it disagrees with me,” she said, tears in her voice and in her anxious, appealing eyes.
“Am I to under—”
“Anyhow I can’t go on,” she cried, twisting he
r fingers about in an agony. “There’s so little of me to go on with. I’m getting stupider every day. I’ve got no brains left. I’ve got no anything. Why, I can hardly get together enough courage to tell you this. Oh, Robert,” she appealed, “it isn’t as though it made you really happier — you don’t really particularly notice the children when they’re there — it isn’t as though it made anybody really happier — and — and — I’m dreadfully sorry, but I’ve done.”
Delphi Collected Works of Elizabeth von Arnim (Illustrated) Page 158
