by Peggy Webb
“Please. Don’t stop. That feels so good.”
He drew her close and began to caress her once more. Giving. Not taking. Not expecting anything in return. Merely giving.
“Jake?”
Her breath was warm and sweet against his neck.
“Hmm?”
“Will you hold me like this all night?”
“Yes.”
“Just hold me.”
It wasn’t everything Jake wanted, but for now it was enough.
Chapter Seventeen
June 30, 2001
We got home yesterday—Jake and Emily and Michael and I. Though I really can’t say I’ve brought Michael home. Just his empty shell. This body that doesn’t move and doesn’t speak.
Does he hear me? Does he know me?
The doctors say he does. They say that on a deep level the patient in the coma understands everything that’s happening around him.
That’s why I’ve brought his favorite CDs and a portable player to the hospital. There’s a song by T. Bone Walker playing now, “Stormy Monday Blues.” I keep expecting Michael to get out of bed, grab his harmonica and play along. He always does that. Feet tapping. Body swaying. He says it’s impossible to sit still when T. Bone’s wailin’ the blues.
Well, he was wrong. He’s not moving now.
Will he ever move again? Will he ever play his harmonica? Will he ever grab me in a bear hug and dance around the room?
I have to believe he will. If I don’t I’ll go mad. Believing I’ll soon have Michael back is the only way I can get through the day.
Last night when I played Tony Bennett for him— “Time after Time”—I said, “Do you remember that song, darling? Squeeze my hand if you do.”
I waited and waited. Surely he would respond. Surely he remembered. How could he forget?
Tony Bennett had been singing that song when Michael proposed to me. I’ll never forget it. We’d gone dancing to celebrate my graduation from Juilliard.
The band was good, the dance floor small, the lighting intimate. It was a night for celebration. Not just my graduation, but my invitation to be part of a three-month concert tour in all the major cities of the U.S. and Michael’s first solo job. He’d been assistant director on high-altitude films many times, but never director.
A proposal was the last thing I expected.
We were dancing close, making love on the dance floor, he called it. And all of a sudden he said, “Marry me, Anne.”
I laughed. Didn’t think he was serious.
“Sure,” I said. “I’ve known from the minute I met you that someday I’d marry you.”
“Not someday. Now.”
“You’re serious, aren’t you.”
“Why wait? Unless you want a big wedding.”
“Oh, just a big production and fifteen hundred of my closest friends.” He laughed then, and I said, “I just want you, Michael. That’s all.”
Three days later we were married by a justice of the peace, much to Mother’s mortification.
“A JP!,” she said. “I’ll never live it down.”
She did, of course, because she loves Michael. How could she not? He’s the most wonderful man in the world.
I squeezed his hand while Tony Bennett crooned on the portable CD player and begged him, “Please, please remember, darling.”
If he was ever going to respond, that was the time. Suddenly I felt the slightest movement, hardly more than a tremor. But something. Oh, God, at least it was something.
I was so excited I called the nurse.
“Michael moved,” I said to her, but I could tell she didn’t believe me, so I told him, “Darling, do it again. Squeeze my hand.”
Nothing happened.
“Please, darling, show me you can hear me.”
The nurse gave me this look, then patted my shoulder as if I were four years old.
“There might be involuntary tics from time to time,” she said. “I don’t want you to get your hopes up.”
What’s life without hope?
“Every person on this staff should have his hopes up,” I told her. “Not merely for Michael, but for every patient in this hospital.”
Was I wrong to tell her that? I don’t think so. It seems to me that hope can do as much to heal as medication. Probably more.
I don’t know how I would ever get through this without hope. And without my family.
Emily and Jake are at the airport now picking up Hannah, and Daniel will be here tomorrow. I’m glad they’re coming home, more for Emily’s sake than mine. She’s been with me through this whole thing, and quite frankly I’m beginning to worry about her.
She was at the hospital this morning at six o’clock. By herself. She said she’d come to make sure I had a good breakfast, and when I asked her where Jake was, she said he was still in his room sleeping and she hadn’t wanted to disturb him.
“What do you mean, in his room?” I asked her, and I could tell that she hadn’t meant to let that slip out. The fact that they were in separate bedrooms.
I could tell things weren’t right between them when we left Hong Kong, but I’d hoped that coming home would help. I’d hoped that once they were back in familiar territory, the pull of shared memories would right whatever is wrong between them.
“You can’t let what has happened to Michael change things for you.”
That’s what I told her early this morning. Of course, she pretended she hadn’t. That’s Emily for you. Always wanting to make sure everybody else is comfortable and satisfied, even if it means sacrificing her own happiness.
She’s a natural-born caretaker. I guess that’s why she chose the profession she did. She tries to rescue people the same way she does animals, without a thought for her own needs.
I’m afraid that’s what she’s trying to do now. Rescue me by sacrificing herself.
I don’t know how much longer Jake will stay in Mississippi. Long enough, I hope, for him and Emily to patch things up.
Maybe having Hannah home will help. She was always my practical child. Plus, she’s a born leader, and Emily has always idolized her.
It won’t take her long to get the lay of the land, and when she does she’ll set Emily straight.
Oh, I know I worry too much about my children. Michael always said that. And he’s right.
He should be my only concern now.
He looks so natural lying there, almost as if he’s dozed off and will wake up any minute and be himself again.
Having him so close and not being able to hold him, really hold him, is agony. And why not? Why can’t I climb in bed beside him and hold him? Not just for my sake, but for his.
Maybe full body contact will trigger something in him, some deep primitive need that will shake him out of his deep sleep and bring him back to me.
That’s what I’m going to do. Tonight after the nurses have made their rounds, I’m going to shut the door and climb in beside him and wrap my arms around him and say, “Hold on to me, darling. Don’t let go. Hold on long enough to want to come home.”
Chapter Eighteen
Emily had really wanted to pick up Hannah by herself. But here she was sitting in the car, next to Jake, on a collision course with disaster. That was what it would be when Jake and Hannah met. A full-fledged catastrophe.
Why hadn’t she had enough backbone to say, “Jake, I’m going to pick up my sister by myself?” Why hadn’t she had enough courage to tell Hannah about him on the phone, prepare her a little?
She was a coward, that was why. She didn’t like confrontation, and she certainly didn’t like hurting people’s feelings. That explained part of it.
Things had been bad enough with Jake when Emily had insisted on separate bedrooms. It was late, she’d told him, and they were both exhausted from the long flight. Plus, she wanted to get up early and go to the hospital without disturbing his sleep.
Little white lies.
And Jake had let her get away with them. He’d kissed her o
n the cheek and told her to sleep well. They’d both pretended everything was all right.
Emily wanted it to be the truth. Didn’t she?
Going to the airport alone would have compounded their problems. But it certainly would have simplified things with Hannah. It would have given Emily a chance to prepare her sister.
Now it was too late. She and Jake stood side by side as stiff and uncomfortable as two fence posts, and any minute now Hannah’s plane would be landing.
Jake put his hand on the small of Emily’s back, then withdrew it. Emily’s already frayed nerves unraveled another notch.
“What’s your sister like?”
“Bold, beautiful and bossy.”
“She’s like you, then, except for the bossy part.”
“I’m not a bit bold.”
“Don’t sell yourself short, Emily.”
“Can we talk about something else?”
“The weather? That’s always a safe topic.”
Jake’s voice held an edge she’d never heard. Emily’s first impulse was to take issue. She was spoiling for a fight, anyhow. All she needed was a target.
“Yes. It’s the old standby for people who have nothing else to talk about.”
“Is that us, Emily? Two people with nothing else to talk about?”
She wanted to snarl yes. She wanted to snap at him like an angry little cocker spaniel so he’d go away.
There. She’d thought it. She wanted Jake to go away. She had too much else to deal with, not the least of which was a sister who would not only ask hard questions, but who would demand answers.
If Jake went away it would simplify things for Emily. Recently she’d discovered she was the kind of woman who could only handle one situation at a time.
But if he left her, then what? Would he come back? Would she want him to?
She glanced at the face that had become so dear, the lips that were so familiar, the eyes that had a way of seeing straight through to her soul. And all of a sudden fear socked her so hard her knees nearly buckled.
“I’m sorry, Jake. That was totally uncalled-for.”
“You’re under a lot of pressure, that’s all.”
“That’s no excuse for rude behavior. Besides, you’ve been so good to us.”
He wasn’t touching her. If they’d had this conversation a month ago, Jake would have been massaging the back of her neck or running his hands down the length of her back.
But that was BC. Before the coma.
Now everything had changed. Something inside Emily shattered.
Oh, God, I can’t stand this.
She reached for his hand, and when he laced his fingers through hers, she could have wept with relief.
“Hold on, Jake,” she whispered. “Don’t let go.”
“I won’t. I promise.”
Emily didn’t know how long they stayed that way. She let herself forget about time. She let herself forget about everything except the two of them standing there with hands joined and hearts full of yearning.
Then suddenly Hannah was striding through the doorway, and Emily’s first thought was, I’m caught redhanded.
Self-consciously she let go of Jake’s hand. Hoping Hannah hadn’t noticed. Hoping she wouldn’t hurt Jake all over again.
“Emily.” Hannah caught her in a bear hug, then leaned back to study her. “It’s been rough on you, hasn’t it.”
“It hasn’t been nearly as hard for me as for Mom.”
Apparently Hannah didn’t even realize that Jake was with her. Emily couldn’t keep postponing the inevitable. Taking a deep breath, she made quick introductions.
Hannah gave him a piercing scrutiny, but she didn’t say anything. Thank goodness. And thank Grandmother Beaufort for drilling them in manners.
Hannah would not make a public scene. In Grandmother Beaufort’s book, that was a cardinal sin.
A lifted eyebrow was Hannah’s only signal that she wanted answers.
“Jake was with Dad in the Himalayas when the accident occurred.”
“We appreciate your sticking around to help out the family,” Hannah said.
Now it was Jake’s turn to give Emily a puzzled I-want-answers look.
“I wouldn’t be anywhere else,” he said.
Then he staked his claim. That was all Emily could call it. His arm slid around Emily’s waist in a gesture that was both possessive and somehow intimate, a gesture that clearly defined their relationship.
And Hannah was nobody’s fool. For a split second she looked as if she were ready to start firing questions, then she changed her mind.
“Let’s get my bag and get out of here,” she said. “I want to see Dad.”
She turned on her heel and strode ahead of them. Stalked, really. A tigress of a woman with a flowing black mane, green cat’s eyes and long legs.
Beside her sister, Emily always felt like a clumsy midget.
When the crowd separated them from Hannah, Jake leaned down and said, “Don’t let her intimidate you.”
“I won’t.”
“Good.”
He tightened his arm, and this time Emily didn’t pull away. Furthermore, when she got a chance to be alone with him, she was going to make up for her coolness.
“Over here, Emily,” Hannah called. “I’ve got my bag. Let’s go.”
Emily amended when to if. If she got a chance to be alone with Jake again.
Jake could see the tension in Emily. Her smile was forced, her face stiff. Even her skin looked tight. Part of it was due to her father, of course, but he knew that wasn’t all.
He was partially to blame. Was he making matters worse by staying? He could only stay a few more days at best. He had a job to do, clients waiting. He couldn’t stay in Mississippi indefinitely.
His heart sank. He didn’t want to leave Emily until they had resolved their problems. But how could they resolve them if they couldn’t even talk about them? And how could he resolve problems in his relationship when he couldn’t even resolve problems within himself?
“I’ll leave you two at the hospital and pick you up later. I’m sure you and Anne have lots of family business to discuss.”
“Fine. Thanks, Jake.” Emily leaned over and gave him a sisterly peck on the cheek.
It was better than nothing.
Jake stayed in the parking lot until Emily and her sister had disappeared through the hospital doors, then he turned the car back to Belle Rose, back to the place that had once held magic.
Would it ever know magic again?
Hannah and Emily didn’t talk on the way to their father’s room, but there was a certain tension between them. They’d always been friends, closer than most sisters with a four-year gap in age, but it seemed to Emily that somehow recent events had driven a wedge between them, and the fracture was growing wider by the minute.
She tried to think of something to say that would make things better, but she kept coming up blank.
The door to Michael’s room loomed before them, and Hannah leaned against the wall and closed her eyes.
“I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t think I can go in there and see Dad helpless without crying.”
Suddenly the breach between them closed. Emily slid her arm around her sister’s shoulders.
“It’s all right to cry, Hannah.”
“No. Dammit, it’s not all right to go in there and act like a weakling. Mom needs me to be strong.”
“You’re right, but a few tears aren’t going to mark you as weak. They’ll only show that you have a heart.”
Hannah took the tissue Emily offered. “When did you get so wise, little sister?”
“Oh, life has a way of doing that to us if we’ll let it.” She linked arms with her sister. “Let’s go in and see Dad.”
Hannah didn’t cry. She went straight to Anne and held her for a very long time, saying, “Everything’s going to be all right, Mom,” and then she leaned over the bed and kissed her father.
“Hi, Dad. It’s m
e. Hannah. I’m home, and I brought pictures. You should see what they’re doing to the Amazon rain forest. It broke my heart.” She dragged a chair close, then sat down and held Michael’s hand. “I want you to wake up now, Dad. I need you to tell me that my stories and photos are going to make a difference. I need you to tell me how brave I am to follow the stories to the world’s hot spots and how proud you are of me.”
Discouraged, she glanced at her mother. “Keep talking, Hannah,” Anne said. “I know he wants to hear the sound of our voices. It may be the only thing that will pull him back to us.”
“Remember when you used to tell me I’d never be happy unless I was traipsing around the world following the hard stories? You were right, Dad. It seems I’m exactly like you, always taking risks. I guess that’s why you went back up that mountain. You couldn’t resist one more challenge.”
Emily put a restraining hand on her sister’s shoulder, but Anne beat her to the punch.
“Don’t upset your father, Hannah.”
“I won’t, Mom. I promise.” She kissed Michael one more time, then relinquished her chair. “Rest now till you’re ready to come back to us.” To Anne she said, “Turn up the music please. There are some questions I want to ask.”
Blues by Memphis Slim had been playing softly when they entered the room. Anne turned up the volume, then motioned for Hannah and Emily to follow her into the far corner of the room.
“Let’s go into the hall, Mom,” Hannah said, but Anne vehemently shook her head.
“I won’t leave Michael.”
“You don’t even go home at night?”
“That’s right.”
“You’re going to wear yourself out.”
“What if he wakes up in the middle of the night and I’m not there?” Anne shook her head again. “No, I won’t leave him.”
“He won’t have to be alone. We can take turns staying.”
“It’s no use to argue, Hannah,” Emily said. “I’ve tried that. Mom’s doing what she thinks is best.”
“All right, then.” Hannah turned her laser eyes first on Emily, then on her mother. “I want to know exactly what he was doing up that mountain.”
