She paused, watching him wait for an answer. She didn’t know what she ought to say, but she knew what she wanted to do. She needed a chance to think about all he’d told her but she didn’t need any time at all to acknowledge that her feelings for him were still real and present. She kissed him.
‘Does that answer your question?’
‘I suppose it does,’ he said, and for the first time since they’d met she saw a real smile. It was there and gone in just a second, chased away by his next thought. ‘When I saw you go into the fire—’
Posy shook her head. ‘It doesn’t matter.’
‘No, it does. I have to say it. I thought I was going to lose you too. I lost Diana because I was too weak; I couldn’t save her and I thought I wasn’t going to be able to save you.’
Posy took his hand. ‘You don’t have to tell me, but I feel it might help if you do. How did she… how did she die?’
He took a deep breath. ‘We were cave diving in Thailand and she got lost. She couldn’t find her way back. I tried to reach her but… It took two days for the rescue team to find her. They said there was no way I’d have been able to get in where she was…’
Posy felt an involuntary shudder take her. ‘Cave diving?’ Of all the ways she could have imagined Lachlan’s wife dying, this wasn’t one of them.
‘She’d always wanted to do it; she was such an adrenaline junkie, an adventurous streak a mile wide. Parachuting, gliding, safaris… you name it, she wanted to do it. I was happy enough with a quieter life, but I loved seeing her light up at the thought of a new trip and I was always too willing to go along with her schemes, even when I had doubts.’
‘Sounds as if she was pretty amazing.’
‘She was reckless too. If someone told her not to do something it would be like nectar to a bee. The trainer beforehand had warned us to stick to the route, not to lose sight of the guide rope, but as usual Diana couldn’t help herself. She wanted to see how far she could push it – she always did. I often said it would be her undoing. There’s some irony in that, I suppose.’
‘It must be hard to talk about.’
‘It is… though not so much with you. Funny, eh?’
‘I’m sorry I look like her.’
‘You’re the same build, same hair, similar features, but your eyes… now that I look at you, your eyes are not the same at all. Kinder, softer, less… Diana was selfish. It was being selfish that took her away from me. She did what she wanted without considering the consequences for her or for me. She destroyed my life for the sake of a stupid rebellion, because she didn’t want to do as the guides had told her. I’d always loved her wild side, especially when we first met; it was exciting. But now I see it for what it was. If she’d cared more she’d have tried harder not to die.’
‘I’m sure she couldn’t have foreseen that.’
‘When you went into the fire I was so angry. I’d hoped you’d be different but at that moment you were just like her. But now I know you just wanted to save your mum and it makes you as selfless as Diana was selfish.’
Posy took a sip of her water. She ought to have been elated to hear all this and to find out that Lachlan had real feelings for her as she did for him, but it wasn’t that simple. There was a lot of past to wade through, not to mention that she wasn’t sure she could live with the idea of him looking at her and seeing his dead wife. He’d said he didn’t do that now, but how could she ever be certain? How could she be sure that when he kissed her he wasn’t really kissing Diana? How could she know it was her he was loving and not a stubborn memory? Was she prepared to be that?
‘When are you going back to London?’ he asked.
‘I can take as much time as I need. Technically I’m not on the payroll at my new company yet so everything will simply be on hold until I join them.’
‘So you might be in Astercombe for a while yet?’
‘I’m not sure. I suppose I might. I’d like to help Giles and Sandra if I can too – at least until they have somewhere to live.’
‘What are they going to do about that?’
‘They have the spare building where… where my grandmother lived. I think they’re planning to use that until the main house is repaired. But there’s a lot to do clearing it out first and there’s a lot to do at the big house trying to salvage what didn’t get destroyed in the fire.’
‘And when all that’s done? Will you come back to Astercombe?’
‘I’ll be visiting all the time, I expect.’
‘Oh.’
‘You mean for more than visits? But my life… I have a great job waiting for me in London and I’d be mad not to take it.’
‘Of course,’ he said stiffly. ‘I completely understand.’
‘I don’t have to go yet. We could spend some time together before that.’
‘I don’t think I can, not knowing you’ll leave.’
‘Right. Well, I suppose I can understand that.’ She forced a bright smile. ‘I’m glad we’re friends now at least.’
‘Yes, friends,’ he said with a sombre nod. ‘Perhaps that’s for the best after all.’
* * *
Lachlan had left, making excuses about being busy. Posy suspected the reality was that he hadn’t wanted to face Carmel and Anthony for another outpouring of thanks, and the fact was that if their heart-to-heart had left him half as emotionally washed-out as it had her then she was hardly surprised he was looking for a way to make his escape. For her part, she was desperate for some time alone to make sense of it all, but her mum and dad were expecting her and it would just have to wait.
Chapter Thirty-Three
‘What about this?’ Posy pointed to an old teak wardrobe.
‘Ugh!’ Sandra scowled at it. ‘I’ve always hated that monstrosity.’
‘I think it’s nice,’ Posy said. ‘In a kitsch sort of way.’
‘Well, if you can get it back to London you’re welcome to have it.’
‘I don’t like it that much,’ Posy replied with a smile.
Giles strolled over and looked at it. ‘I can’t imagine it’s worth much to anyone. I don’t think it’s a quality piece or anything.’
‘Might get a couple of quid at auction?’ Posy suggested.
Giles opened it and peered inside. ‘Doesn’t look terribly sturdy either. I think the vibrations from the auctioneer’s gavel would shake it apart.’
It was true that any kind of pressure would probably send the wardrobe rocking, but Posy still thought a few nails and a bit of glue to secure it would sort that out. But they had so much stuff to get rid of before they could make Philomena’s flat habitable for Giles and Sandra while the big house was being repaired and she could see why they wouldn’t want to waste their time on things like this.
‘So it’s going?’ Posy asked.
‘One hundred per cent,’ Sandra said. ‘I rather think it’s a hotel for woodworm too. Even if I liked the hideous thing I wouldn’t want to risk it infecting all our good furniture.’
‘Right then!’ Giles nodded at Lachlan, who was silently following the conversation. He’d come down to offer his services an hour earlier and was helping to move the heavy items. Posy knew there were probably a ton of things to be done at his place, but she also realised that this was his way of repaying them for their help with his harvest. For her part, she felt that he’d repaid that a million times over simply by being there on the terrible night of the fire, but he’d never acknowledge that, even if she said it to him. Not to mention that, despite what they’d agreed a few days before as they’d sat in Karen’s bar, he seemed to be awfully keen to be where Posy was. He tried extra hard to be pleasant whenever she caught his eye (smiling, she was learning, was not an expression that came naturally to him and she wondered whether it ever had, even before his wife’s death), and even Carmel had commented in passing on how often he seemed to be at Oleander House these days, though she put it down to neighbourly concern for a family who had almost lost everything. It could be th
at too, Posy reasoned, but secretly she hoped not. She and Lachlan had said they would be friends, but the idea that they might become more than that wouldn’t leave her.
Posy’s dad wandered in from another room. He had pieces of splintered wood in his hands and a guilty look on his face.
‘I’m afraid we might have broken that old bureau,’ he said.
Giles grimaced. ‘You mean Asa did?’
‘I think,’ Anthony said ruefully, ‘it might have been a joint effort. There was almost certainly a failure of communication on both our parts. I’m not sure if you were planning on keeping it, and I might be able to repair it if you want to, but I’m afraid that secret drawer is damaged and I don’t know if that will repair.’
Giles looked at Sandra. ‘Secret drawer?’
Sandra shrugged. ‘How should I know?’
A moment later Asa ran in. ‘Look at what just fell out of that secret compartment in the old bureau!’
‘You mean the one you just broke?’ Giles asked.
‘Yes, but…’ Asa held out an envelope. ‘Isn’t that… doesn’t it look like Angelica’s writing? It’s addressed to Mother. Should we open it?’
Giles took it from him. It was sealed and mildew-stained, with the subtle bulk of a folded page inside. ‘I think you’re right about it being Angelica’s handwriting. I don’t know who else’s it might be; it’s certainly not Mother’s…’
‘Are you going to open it?’ Posy asked.
Giles slid his thumb beneath the flap. It flicked open easily, the old adhesive rotten and barely sticky at all.
Posy watched with something like trepidation. Sandra looked more concerned, while Lachlan was observing with interest more than anything else. Posy couldn’t say why, but she had the strangest feeling that what was in the envelope was going to concern her. Giles took two pages out and separated them, his eyes running over the first sheet. There were folds embedded into the paper and a small, grainy photo fell from the crease of the second. Sandra bent to pick it up and handed it to Giles with a silent question. Posy could see, even from her vantage point, that it was a photograph of a tiny baby.
‘That looks like…’ Carmel began, her mouth falling open as she stared at the picture. She looked at Posy. ‘I have that same photo… it was the first photograph ever taken of you and it was given to us when we adopted you.’
Posy felt the earth shift beneath her as she stared at everyone in turn.
‘It’s me?’ she croaked.
‘The first page is a note from Angelica to Mother,’ Giles said. ‘It’s dated just after you were born, Posy. She’s telling her about having a child and giving her up for adoption and asking her to keep a letter to that child safe.’
‘Do you think Mother ever replied?’ Asa asked.
Giles shrugged, his eyes still fixed to the page. ‘If she did, then I certainly didn’t hear about it. I didn’t even know this letter had ever arrived.’
‘She must have hidden it deliberately,’ Asa said. ‘Why hide it? Why not just throw it away if it meant nothing to her?’
‘I suppose it must have meant something to her,’ Giles said. ‘She made the request for us to find Posy as she was dying – perhaps she’d meant for this letter to be given to her too and something happened to prevent that.’
‘You mean she forgot where she hid it or that she even had it?’ Asa asked doubtfully.
Giles looked up. ‘I suppose we’ll never know now.’ He turned to Posy and gave her the photo, along with the second letter. ‘Perhaps you ought to have this,’ he said. ‘It’s for you, after all.’
Posy took it and began to read.
* * *
Dear Baby,
* * *
I’m sorry I haven’t named you, but it didn’t seem like a good idea. I’m sure in time I would have come to love you, but as we’re to part today, it doesn’t seem like a good idea to let that happen either, and naming you wouldn’t help. I’m sure your new mummy will be able to think of the perfect name for you, far nicer than I would.
I’m writing this letter and leaving it in the care of my own family in the hope that one day you’ll be reunited with us. I’m not the woman to raise you, and if you knew me you’d understand why, but perhaps when we’re both older we can have a relationship of sorts. For now, your grandma will take care of this and keep it safe for you, and when you come looking, perhaps she’ll have it in her heart to forgive me for the terrible things I’ve done and we can all be together again. By then, you won’t need me quite so much and the thought of being responsible for you won’t be quite so terrifying. It sounds cruel and selfish, I know, and it probably is, but I do believe you’ll have a happier life with someone far better equipped than me taking care of you. Giving you up is my way of loving you, and it’s the best I can offer.
* * *
Your mother,
* * *
Angelica
* * *
Things had escalated in such a strange and rapid way that Posy suddenly felt as uncertain and afraid as she had that very first day when she’d arrived at Oleander House to meet her new family.
‘Those are the words of someone very scared and confused,’ Carmel said quietly to Posy. ‘I believe there was a part of her that wanted to keep you.’
‘We failed her,’ Giles said. He turned to Posy. ‘We failed both of you.’
‘You didn’t,’ Sandra said. ‘Philomena did. You must stop feeling guilty about things you had no control over. How could you have done anything about it? You were so young at sixteen – barely a man yourself – and Philomena chose to keep this from you. Everyone has had their lives changed and their beliefs challenged, but nobody in this room is to blame for a single thing that has happened.’
As Sandra spoke, Posy glanced to her side to see Lachlan regarding her with a curious look on his face. Did that go for him too? Had his beliefs been challenged? His life had been changed by the death of his wife, but now? He was here with them – something that had been unimaginable only a few weeks ago. How did he feel about that? Did he feel anything had changed?
Posy looked at the photo again. ‘I still don’t really know why she gave me away, why she never tried to contact me when she was alive, why she thought Philomena would forgive her eventually when she’d been so stubborn up to that point, why she entrusted this to her of all people when they weren’t speaking. This letter doesn’t really say anything. In a way it poses more questions than it answers.’
‘But you’re alright?’ Giles asked. ‘This hasn’t changed anything with us?’
‘Has it changed for you?’ Posy asked quietly.
‘Regardless of Mother’s actions, we’re still glad she relented at the end so that you could come into our lives – you and your wonderful family have made ours so much richer. I hope that doesn’t change.’
Carmel wiped away a fresh tear. Posy saw Sandra do the same. She didn’t know how to feel; there was only a numb kind of shock and a million questions racing around her head.
Posy took a deep breath. ‘I’ll take this rubbish bag out to the skip,’ she announced in a dazed voice.
She grabbed the sack and hauled it outside. There was too much to think about, and in a strange way she didn’t want to think about any of it. She was afraid she might not like the conclusions she’d come to. Over the last few months she’d fallen in love with Astercombe and Oleander House and with the family who had welcomed her. She almost wished they’d never found the damned letter.
With this running through her head, she hurled the rubbish sack into the skip they’d hired.
‘You’re strong for a city girl, aren’t you?’
She spun around.
‘Lachlan! You made me jump!’
‘Sorry. I can’t pretend to understand what just happened in there but I’m guessing it’s something to do with why you’re here at Oleander House.’
‘It’s a long story, but Asa and Giles are my uncles. Their sister, Angelica, is my mother. She gave m
e up for adoption.’
‘That bit I guessed. I didn’t even know they had a sister.’
‘Older than Giles by four years and has been gone from Astercombe since before I was born. She’s dead now. My grandmother – Philomena – had apparently been refusing to acknowledge my mother for many years… for lots of reasons that are just too painful and would take too long to go into right now…’
He nodded. ‘You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.’
‘It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s…’
‘I understand. When you’re ready. And how do you feel about all this in light of the letter?’
‘Honestly?’ Posy ran a hand through her fringe. ‘I don’t really know. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about something like this – it’s almost too huge to feel anything.’
‘Aye, I know how that is. You know, if you ever want to talk to an impartial observer, I have a good ear.’
‘Thank you. You’re a good friend.’
‘I don’t know about that. I try…’
They were silent for a moment and Lachlan stared at her, seemingly labouring suddenly under the weight of something he wanted to say.
‘Not that I don’t appreciate you coming out to see if I was OK,’ Posy began slowly, ‘but is there something else you wanted?’
‘Aye. Though I don’t know how you’ll feel when I tell you what it is, and given what we’ve just talked about I’m not sure this is the right time to say it.’
Posy frowned slightly. ‘Lachlan… you can say anything to me – you must know that by now.’
‘Anything? Are you sure of that?’
‘Of course.’
He stepped forward and took her face in his hands.
‘OK then… I want you.’
‘Lachlan—’
‘Please… let me finish. You just told me I can say anything; you can’t change your mind now. Forget friends, forget that you’ll be in London most of the time – I don’t care. I want you and I’ll do whatever it takes, whatever you ask and however we have to make it work. I know you feel the same so don’t say it’s not so.’
The Little Orchard on the Lane: An absolutely perfect and uplifting romantic comedy Page 32
