I ride in silence the whole way to Mama’s Kitchen, a small diner right outside of town. They have the best soul food around, but I have no idea why he’s brought me here. I look over at Tanner, bewildered.
“Just go inside.” He nods his head at the door.
I walk into Mama’s Kitchen and see none other than Emma’s dad sitting at the booth directly in front of me. He motions me to his table. I can’t be rude, so I walk over, just as I see Tanner take a seat at the bar.
“I need to talk to you, son.”
I nod my head in understanding.
“I don’t want you to say anything. Just listen and pay close attention to what I’m about to tell you. My wife and I couldn’t have kids. Tried for years, but it just wasn’t in the cards for us. We struggled with it forever but finally accepted it. That’s when my wife happened upon Linda and learned the story behind Emma Grace. She talked to me about her and her situation for days. When she couldn’t get Emma off her mind, we decided to adopt. She was the biggest blessing for us. Vibrant, beautiful, and caring, but you already know this. She is my baby girl. I need you to know that we were with her last night. I know exactly what’s going on with you two. The worst thing for a father is to hold his baby girl while she cries her eyes out and there’s nothing you can do to fix it. I’m coming to you because I know a man in love when I see one, and I know a man speaking out of pain when I see it. Last night was bad for both of you. Lines were crossed and stuff was said that shouldn’t have been, but let me explain something to you. Emma’s whole life, she’s had to endure loss. Everything and everyone she’s ever loved at one point was yanked from her life. She’s older now, but in her subconscious, she still links love with loss. She isn’t second-guessing your relationship or you, Rhett. In her mind, she’s trying to save you, because everything she loves dies. Don’t let love slip away. Don’t let her slip away. Prove her wrong, son. Show her that love is a beautiful gift, not something to cower away from.”
“I’m so sorry, sir. I feel like such a douche. I knew she still had anxiety, but I never thought of it that way.”
“It’s okay, Rhett. Just go fix it.”
“Between you and me, I’m not so sure it’s fixable.”
“It’s always fixable if it’s done from the heart. Love’s never easy, but damn if it’s not the best feeling in the world.”
I shake his hand and head to Tanner.
“You are a sneaky bastard,” I say, sitting down next to Tanner.
“Don’t sit down, asshole. We’ve got a woman to win back.”
“That we do, Tanner. That we do,” I say as we head back to his truck. It’s time to go make things right.
Chapter Thirty
Emma Grace
I look like hell.
Correction: I look like I was beaten within an inch of my life, rolled through dog shit, and then sent through the fiery pits of Hell… And that’s being modest.
Cam is looking at me like I’m cracked crystal that will shatter at any moment. She’s been by my side since I called her Saturday night when Rhett left. She’s heard the whole story—how my crazy, mucked-up mind turned a great night to complete shit in the blink of an eye. These have single-handedly been the worst two days of my life.
“Have you talked to him?” she asks tentatively.
“Not since the horrible text exchange we had. I don’t even know what to do. How do I fix this when I can’t even explain it?”
“You’ve got to figure out what caused you to flip, Emma Grace. No one can do that for you.”
“I know, it just like—”
Cam cuts me off by holding up her hand. “I’m not the one you have to explain it to, babe.”
“I know. God! I’m a hot mess.”
Cam smiles but doesn’t disagree.
“I’ve gotta get out of here before I’m late,” I say as I walk by and kiss her cheek. “See you tonight.”
“Later.”
This day has been a complete blur. I’m sure all of my students have noticed that I’m not with it. It’s written all over me. My mind has been a jumbled mess since Saturday, and I can’t get it under control.
The bell rings and my honors students make their way in. I gave them an assignment last week that I was so excited about. We’ve been studying poetry. Since the poetry of the past can be a little harder to relate to, I wanted to give them a chance to work with more relevant, familiar poetry.
“Afternoon, guys!” I announce to quiet the room. I make my way to the front of the class and plug in the docking station and laptop.
“I hope everyone had a great weekend. We’re going to go ahead and get started on last week’s assignment, because I want to get as many in each day as we can.” I hop up on the unoccupied desk in the front of the room.
“Now, as I said last week, song lyrics are the most common form of poetry that our society is exposed to on a regular basis. So, we’re going to play the song you chose and then give you a chance to expound its meaning. You’ll have all the time you need, so don’t worry about that. And calm your nerves.” I smile to reassure them. “There is no right or wrong answer. Sometimes, poetry is very basic and literal. Other times, it’s subjective. It’s all about what these lyrics mean to you.”
I level my eyes on my students, making sure they know they won’t be judged by me or anyone else for their interpretation or song choice. “Alright, Natalie, let’s start with you.”
I take my place in the back of the room as the students take turns, one by one, playing their music and interpreting the lyrics. Some—mostly my boys—pick easier songs and don’t dive too deep into their emotional side, and others choose more complex songs, diving into the lyrics and dissecting them line by line. It’s exciting to see the diversity in the class—country music, rock and roll, R&B. Their excitement is palpable and I love it.
When Rashan finishes, I stand. “Okay, I think we’ve got time for one more today. Alex”—I look over to one of my quieter students and nod to the front of the class—“why don’t you go ahead and wrap us up today?”
He looks at me anxiously before making his way to the front of the room. The paper he has is shaking lightly in his hands. “Umm, my song isn’t really popular.” He looks up from his paper and locks eyes with me, waiting for reassurance.
“That’s great.” I smile. “I love discovering new music.”
He nods his head and continues. “Okay, well, umm. It’s called Car Radio. It’s by this, umm, band, called Twenty-One Pilots. So, uh, here it goes.”
He plays the song and a slow bass starts with an interesting beat. The melancholy voice of the singer spouts short rhymes as the music escalates. His anger toward his car radio being stolen is felt through each word, but somehow you can feel it’s about much more. The rhythm is fast-paced and the lyrics are hurled at you just as quickly. It’s such an obscure song, yet I find myself leaning forward in my seat, closing my eyes and straining to hear the words. As the song closes, I look to Alex. He’s completely still, eyes closed, concentrating. His body is visibly more relaxed than when he first stood in front of class.
He opens his eyes and looks at the paper in his hands. “Silence is cruel to some people. It gives them too much time to think. And sometimes thoughts aren’t as pleasant as they should be. Some people think too much. About everything. They think about every single detail of their life and analyze its worth. It could be things that don’t need to be analyzed. Like why you feel a certain way. It doesn’t matter why you feel it—just feel it. Have faith in your feelings. Have faith in yourself. It’s not always the easiest thing to do, but you just have to. Because if you don’t, then fear wins, and fear is a vicious beast. It takes over your mind in the silence. It corrupts your thoughts. It turns your faith in yourself and other people into doubt. This song isn’t about just a car radio. Music is his escape. It’s his way of drowning his thoughts so he doesn’t have to choose between peace and fear. He can ignore them. And life is like that. We use distracti
ons of any kind to ignore our thoughts and our decisions until there’s nothing left to distract us from them. Until we have to choose between the faith and the fear. He begs us to choose faith. Revel in the silence. Let yourself feel the good things. Choose to win. We’re all in the same battle, and it’s up to us to win it.”
Alex looks up from his paper and locks eyes with mine, which I know are brimming with tears. I wasn’t expecting this. I wasn’t expecting a song and a sixteen-year-old boy to force me to see things that I’ve been ignoring for years. I give him a shaky smile as the bell rings, dismissing class. He nods his head at me and goes to gather his things. As he makes his way out the door, he stops by the desk I’m sitting in and leaves his crumpled piece of paper on it. Once I’m alone, I look at what it is. It’s the lyrics to the song. That’s it. Nothing else. Alex spoke from experience. From his heart.
As I round the corner to our condo, I see Rhett sitting against the door. He looks up as he hears my heels clicking against the pavement. His eyes are red, and he’s looking at me in a way he’s never looked at me before—almost like he’s scared of me. Hell, I would be scared of me too, after the way I flipped on him the other day.
“Hi,” I greet him quietly.
“Hey, M.” His voice is scratchy and loaded with emotion. He clears his throat and continues. “Cam wasn’t here. I was hoping we could talk.”
I fight back the tears in my eyes, knowing he very well could be here to tell me he’s done with my brand of crazy. I nod my head, not capable of much more. He gives me a shaky smile and stands to follow me into the house. I leave my things on the kitchen counter and turn to look at him.
“Want something to drink? Water? Coke?” I ask him, trying to break the awkwardness that has never been present between us before. He shakes his head and I make my way into the living room. I can feel him behind me as I take my seat on the couch. He doesn’t sit. He starts pacing the living room, running his fingers through his dark hair. He stops and turns to look at me, blowing out a frustrated breath.
“Rhett, I—”
“Stop.” He cuts me off before I can voice my first thought. “Christ, M. I’ve gone through this in my mind over and over and over. The thing I can’t pinpoint is why. I don’t understand how we were laughing and in love one minute, and the next you’re having a panic attack at the thought of being with me for any defined period of time. I just don’t get it.”
“I’m not scared to be with you, Rhett.”
“Then what the fuck happened, M?”
“I don’t know. I had been anxious all day and it just took over. My nerves got the best of me and I momentarily lost my mind.”
“That wasn’t a momentary lapse in judgment, M. I saw your face. You were genuinely terrified at the prospect of being with me in the future.”
“I love you.” I need to tell him that. It’s the truth and he needs to know it.
“I know you do. I love you too. That’s not the problem. You can love someone and not be with them. The problem is being here, with me, day in and day out, through the good and the bad.”
“That’s the part that scares me, Rhett.”
“Why?”
“Because things never last with me. Sure, I’ve got Meems and Pops, and Cam has been here, but I’ve even kept them at an arm’s length the entire time I’ve known them. I can’t have another person leave me. I know it’s not rational. I know I sound crazy. But my dad was gone before I knew him. My mom was gone when I was eleven years old! Anyone I let in all the way—they are ripped from my life.”
“Those things weren’t your fault, M. Your mom loved you. If she had a choice, I know she would still be here with you.”
“I know that! I freaking know that! It doesn’t make a difference!” My voice is rising, and I can feel myself ready to explode. Apparently Rhett feels the same way, because his next words rip through him with a yell.
“Bullshit it doesn’t, Emma Grace! It makes all the fucking difference. Just because she’s not here doesn’t negate the fact that she loved you!”
“I wasn’t done needing her! She’s gone and I wasn’t done needing her!” My words are choked out on a sob, I can’t contain the tears that I’ve been holding back. “But now, with you—Rhett, I know! I know I will never be through needing you! And what happens when you leave? Who is going to be able to fix that? Who will be there to pick up what little there is left of me? That! That right there is what terrifies me so badly my hands shake. My throat closes. Spots cloud my vision. You made me need you. And I’m scared, Rhett. I am so fucking scared that you’re going to be ripped from me too. You won’t have a choice. And I will shatter. Completely. I can’t shatter. There will be no you to get me through it.” My throat is raw from screaming and I crumple to the couch.
Rhett is on me in an instant, gathering me in his arms as I cry into his shoulder. “Baby,” he whispers into my hair, kissing the side of my head. “I can’t promise you that nothing will ever happen to me. God knows I wish I could. I wish I could take all of this away from you, every ounce of fear you feel. I can’t do that, M, but I can promise you I will fight every fucking day of my life to come back to you—no matter what. Don’t let me lose you because of fear. Have faith in us. Choose faith, baby.”
My head jerks from his shoulder and I look at him, shocked. “What?”
“Don’t let fear win. Choose faith. In me, in us.”
I nod my head to him, remembering the song from class earlier today. I will choose faith. I refuse to let my past ruin my future with Rhett. I know this won’t always be easy. I also know that I’m not magically healed. I have issues that I need to work through, and I make the decision to deal with those, but as I stare into Rhett’s eyes, I can see how much he loves me. I can also see how much I’ve hurt him and it breaks my heart that I’ve done this to him and to us. “How could you possibly still want me? After this? After everything?”
He smiles at me and gently cups my cheek gently, wiping the tears away with his thumb. Leaning his face into mine, he whispers against my lips. “Because, you and me, M—we’re fire. I fucking burn for you.”
His lips take mine in a kiss that burns through me, and I feel it, right then. We are fire.
Chapter Thirty-One
Rhett
I finally feel like I can breathe easy. Last night was the first night that I finally broke through the barrier that M keeps up at all times. A barrier that I didn’t even know existed until a few days ago. She finally released all of the fear that was holding her back. It was damn painful to see her breaking like that, but now, maybe she can move forward—maybe we can move forward.
“What are you thinking about over there?” M asks, rolling into my side and throwing her leg over mine.
“Stuff,” I reply with a shrug of my shoulders.
“Don’t be coy with me, Rhett. You were lost in thought, mister.”
“I was just thinking how proud of you I am. You slayed your dragons last night. Many people get consumed by them, die without ever getting to live their lives to the fullest because of them. You, my beautiful girl, kicked their asses,” I say, kissing her on the head.
“You gave me the strength, Rhett. You make me stronger,” she says, sitting up. “Where do you see us in four years?”
I hesitate with my answer, because I don’t want to spook her again.
“I’m okay, I promise. Be honest with me, Rhett. I don’t ever want you afraid to be honest with me because you think I might spaz out again. I’ll never do that to us again.”
“I can’t give you a timeline, M. I’ll just say that I want you, I want you to have my last name, I want you carrying my children, and I want a house and a van. The whole nine yards. I don’t care how long it takes to get it. I’m in this for the long haul. The good as well as the bad. I’m a patient man. As long as I have you, I don’t care how long that other stuff takes, but we can start by moving you in with me.”
“I can’t just move out and leave Cam. We moved h
ere together, and I would feel terrible if I just abandoned her like that. I mean, that would make me a pretty crappy friend if I just moved out.”
“You have to live your life for you, Emma. Trust me on this, Cam will be thrilled for you, but I’ll give you some time to think on it. No rush, because we’re basically with each other every night anyway. My bathroom is full of your girly things, and you have a dresser and half of a closet at my place. If you think it’s too soon, then I’m perfectly okay with waiting.”
“I’ll think about and discuss it with Cam, okay?”
“Okay, beautiful, but now we need to change the subject. Get your sweet ass up and get dressed.” She looks at me quizzically. “I arranged for a surprise, and the longer you take to get dressed, the longer it’s going to take for you to find out what it is.”
She hops out of bed, but not before I pop her on the ass and she squeals loudly. I sure hope she likes what I got her.
After about thirty minutes, we’re both dressed and heading to the front door.
“Okay, M, come here,” I say before pulling out the silk blindfold she bought. She gasps when she sees it, a bright pink blush creeping up on her face. I can’t help but smile at her.
“It’s not for that. I’m going to put it on you so you don’t see the surprise. I promise it will come off once we get outside,” I whisper in her ear, and I see her skin instantly break out in goose bumps from the contact of my breath. This makes me smile too. She nods her head and I get the blindfold in place. We step outside and walk to the end of the driveway.
“You ready?”
She nods her head. I’m sure the wheels in her head are working overtime, trying to figure out what’s up my sleeve. I untie her blindfold and let it fall to the ground. She looks up and I wait for her reaction.
And I wait.
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