by Juno Rushdan
As soon as Maddox had reunited with Cole, they’d gotten engaged and she’d moved into his place. Maddox was the only one in Black Ops who had a partner and love in her life. She was like a unicorn.
“Why don’t you stay there, as long as you need?”
Grateful, Willow nodded. “Thank you.”
They left the hospital together. The air outside reeked of moisture, a dankness that smacked of a storm on the way.
“I appreciate how patient you’ve been,” Willow said. “It’s late. I’m sure you’d rather be home with Cole.”
“It’s no problem. Really.” Maddox hit her key fob, unlocking the car doors. “We should swing by a store and pick up things you’ll need. Toiletries. Clothes. My treat—well, it’s on Black Ops. The others will chip in.”
“What? It’s too much. I can’t let you guys pay for that stuff.” Willow should’ve thought to ask Laurel for a loan.
“You can, and you will. You survived a trial by fire with Gideon, and that makes you one of us. We’re here for you.”
“That’s incredibly generous. Thank you. I don’t know what to say.”
“No need to say anything.”
They hopped inside the car. Strange how bad circumstances brought people together. Willow’s mind careened back to Gideon and all they’d survived and shared. Emptiness gnawed at the pit of her stomach.
Lightning sliced the black sky. In the distance, thunder rumbled. The first drops of rain popped against the car, echoing in her chest. Tears stung her eyes. Maddox’s generosity overwhelmed her, but the incoming tide of heartache made her want to cry.
How could she bear to look at Gideon in the office? Every time she passed him in the hall or worked with him on an assignment, the wound would fester and spread like gangrene.
She shivered.
“Are you cold?” Maddox asked. “I can turn on the heat.”
“No. I’m not cold. Did Gideon say why he didn’t want to talk to me?”
Maddox turned the radio on low. “I don’t know what happened while you two were on the run, but I can guess. If he’s distant now, don’t take it personally. He just doesn’t form attachments.”
“But he did. We did.” A mind-blowing, life-altering bond that had changed her forever. And it wasn’t one-sided. Of that she was certain.
“Maybe you read into things.” Maddox shrugged. “Took it for more than good sex.”
Willow didn’t know much about men or relationships, but she knew, down in her soul, what they’d shared had been an amazing connection. Over the last few days, she’d seen the many facets of Gideon—from Reaper, the hardened assassin, to the gentle lover who’d opened a new world of sensation. More than that, he was the one person she’d ever been herself around. No inhibitions. No limits. No pretense. The sense of belonging and intimacy had been real.
The rain picked up to a torrent. She pressed the heels of her palms into her eyes. What if the things he’d said, the way he’d touched her was all part of his charm and meant…
Everything to her, and nothing to him.
Was it possible that he’d felt nothing? That the bond she would’ve sworn they’d forged had only been in her head?
With no experience for comparison, she clenched her hands in her lap, turned to Maddox, and spewed the details of what had transpired between her and Gideon. The intimate conversations, the intense lovemaking. How he’d broken his pseudo Vegas what happens on the boat stays on the boat rule by sleeping with her in the hotel. The way he’d held her, the tender affection he’d showered on her.
When she finished talking, an awkward silence ensued.
Did she make a mistake by telling her? “What do you think?” Willow asked.
Maddox stiffened. “Gideon is my best friend. A brother in every sense besides blood. Not once in the nights he slept on my sofa after his wife died or when I helped him pack that bitch’s stuff—sorry to speak ill of the dead—did he tell me she’d cheated for two years. And had filed for divorce.”
A pang of guilt stabbed Willow for divulging the specifics, but the only way to test her theory was by sharing some of what they’d discussed to see if it held the sacred value she’d assigned to it.
She didn’t need to get into the granular details of his other secrets, violating the trust he had put in her further, even though he was acting like the biggest jerk.
“Why would he share personal things with me if he didn’t care? Why say all those sweet things to me in the hotel? Why call me his starling?” Why end it in a parking lot, like she was disposable? “Do you think it was just…good sex?”
“Hell no, I don’t. Sounds like it was a lot more. For both of you.”
Willow should’ve been relieved at Maddox’s answer. Her instincts about Gideon were right. But she had to beat back tears. She refused to dissolve into a pitiful mess, not in front of hardcore, tough-as-nails Maddox. Willow could use an ounce of her strength.
Who was she kidding? She’d settle for a single gram.
“Should I go to his place and see him?” Willow asked.
“No, no. Absolutely not.”
“But why?”
“Give this thing between you and him a chance to settle.”
“For how long? A day? Should I go talk to him tomorrow night?”
“Tomorrow, Gideon and Castle are driving to Norfolk to pick up Hannah Davis. She gets back from a cruise, and he wants to make sure she gets home safely. Daedalus found out about her and threatened to harm her.”
“Oh no.”
“Hannah is fine, and Daedalus is dead. Gideon is taking precautions.” Maddox glanced at Willow. “How would you feel if when you saw him again, you two tumbled into bed, had earth-shattering sex and a lovey-dovey moment, and the result was still the same?”
Willow winced, unable to digest that possibility.
“Exactly. Do not go see him.”
“What am I supposed to do?”
“Take a few days off to spend with your dad. Try a little self-care. Pick up the pieces, one day at a time. I know how badly it can hurt, believe me. Cole and I put each other through the grinder. I understand how shitty you might feel. I’ll help you through it any way I can.” She flashed a sad smile. “We’re also going to need a big bottle of wine.”
47
Martinsburg, West Virginia
Tuesday, July 9, 1:10 pm EDT
Hannah’s farmhouse looked exactly the way she’d described it to Gideon. Peaceful. Sweet air caressing the grass. Birds soaring across a bright, cloudless sky. A place you could take long walks through the thick woods, camp out in a chair on the porch and read a book. Hell, setting foot inside her cozy home tempted him to take a nap. And he never napped.
Then again, it was probably the painkillers, lack of sleep, running off the dredges of an adrenaline cocktail, and the blood loss that made him want some shut-eye. The doctor had also said dehydration. Good thing Castle was driving.
They got Hannah settled, helped her put away groceries, checked out the house to be on the safe side, and had been persuaded to stay for a homecooked lunch.
“Wow. Your fried chicken is better than my mother’s,” Castle said. “Just don’t tell her I said that.”
“Don’t worry,” Hannah said, giving that easy smile of hers. “I’m pretty good at keeping secrets.”
“Thanks for cooking.” Gideon put his hand on hers.
“It’s been ages since you let me cook for you.” She cupped his face with her other hand. “The pleasure was all mine.”
“I’ll do the dishes and clean up.” Castle stood, collecting plates from the dining room table. “Please don’t argue,” he said when Hannah started to protest. “You’ll only waste your breath, and in the end, I’ll win.”
Gideon raised his brows, giving her a look of warning.
Hannah smiled. �
�I can tell when I’ve been beaten. Thank you.”
Castle went into the kitchen, leaving them alone. The water ran, and dishes clattered in the sink.
“How are you doing, Gideon?” Her tone was warm and soft. “And I don’t mean your injuries. Are you okay?”
Just missing a heart. I ripped it out and threw it away because I’m an idiot. Otherwise, I’m fine. “I’m good. Everything’s good. I was just worried about you.”
“What’s wrong, honey? Don’t bother lying.”
Hannah’d had a sixth sense about Gideon when he was little. She’d known when to leave him alone and give him space while he hid out in her house and when to get him talking over hot chocolate.
“What makes you think something’s wrong?” Bluffing was second nature to him. It wasn’t in him to confess outright.
“You said good twice.” She smothered a laugh. “Once for me, and once to convince yourself. What’s troubling you? The job?” She searched his face. “A woman? Please tell me there’s a woman in your life.” Hannah pressed her palms together in prayer.
“I messed up. Pushed her away, but…” Fixing it was easier said than done.
“But what?” She took his hand in both of hers.
“Did you ever regret marrying Ben? I mean, did you ever want a guy with a normal job, who didn’t force you to worry while he was out doing something dangerous?”
She sighed. “Honey, not marrying Ben would’ve been the biggest mistake of my life. I knew what he did, and his job was a part of him. I loved all of him, even the tough, scary bits I had to learn to accept.”
“Hannah, she’s young. She could find a decent guy to give her a normal life.”
“First, you’re better than a decent guy. You’re a great one. Trust me.” Hannah nodded for emphasis. “Second, do you really want her loving another man?”
Fresh anguish bled through him. He’d rather endure a slow, painful death. Actually, he’d rather strip the flesh from the other dude’s bones.
“I didn’t think so. Gideon, the heart wants what it wants. There’s seldom a choice. And don’t let others dictate what’s normal for you. People thought something was wrong with Ben and me or our marriage because we didn’t want kids, but we were happy, just the two of us. We created the life we wanted. But then you came along, and you redefined our lives and our sense of normal.”
His abnormal-normal childhood had love in it and had been made safe because of Ben and Hannah. He wouldn’t have traded it for a cookie-cutter one.
“Do you love her?” Hannah asked.
More than he’d ever loved anyone. Willow gave him a haven, where being seen, being known, wasn’t terrifying but comforting. He’d die for her, kill for her, but most of all, he wanted to live for her and give her all of himself in the only dysfunctional way he knew how.
“Yeah, I love her.” He missed her so much, it was a physical ache. Pretty scary for a guy who thrived on solitude.
“Does she love you?”
He blew out a heavy breath. “If she did, she doesn’t anymore. Pretty sure she hates me now.”
A soothing chuckle rolled from Hannah. “You men are such idiots sometimes. There’s a reason people say there’s a fine line between love and hate. Want some advice?”
He was in no position to turn any down. “Sure.”
“Swallow your pride. Release your fear. Grow a supersized pair and go get her back. For once in your life, give real love a chance and go all the way.”
* * *
Vienna, Virginia
Friday, July 12, 9:00 p.m. EDT
Gideon parked his vehicle in front of Maddox’s condo. Apparently growing a supersized pair and learning how not to be a dumbass was easier in theory than practice. Gideon had run on autopilot, numb, waiting for Willow to turn up at work. He hadn’t eaten or slept, replenishing his system in the evenings with beer. At work, he’d lacked focus.
Nothing had steadied his mind. Not knowing those mercs were behind bars and being investigated. Not the fallout from Daedalus—evidence on fifty people, spies around the world who had worked for him was delivered to the media, including files on the attorney general and the vice chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee. Amanda had called it Daedalus’s insurance policy—to burn his assets in the event something happened to him—when Maddox visited her in a maximum-security lockup. Not the Hole.
Nothing had been leaked about the Gray Box. Maybe that megalomaniac hadn’t prearranged anything, and Gideon hadn’t given him the chance to make good on the promise.
The chief failed to get Doc into Fort Detrick. Gideon had pitched in to help search for the government contractor responsible for weaponizing biological agents and those who hijacked the shipment from behind a desk, to no avail. He should’ve been worried about how nasty Z-1984 might be or the potential death toll. Or why the government repeatedly denied the bioweapon shipment had ever existed—and to Sanborn of all people.
Willow had commandeered his thoughts, had his head spinning. He snuck glimpses of her workstation once an hour, as if hoping she’d materialize.
Asking Maddox how long Willow would be out hadn’t been an option. His best friend wouldn’t speak to him, only meeting his eyes long enough to shoot him a disgusted glare.
“Willow put in for a couple of weeks off to spend time with her father,” Sanborn had told him when he finally caved and asked. “She has a ton of leave saved and didn’t sound like herself. I think she needs it.”
Weeks off? Gideon had been so appalled with himself after the way he’d handled things with her that he couldn’t look in the mirror. God, he wanted a life—a real one with her, even though he didn’t deserve it. But he owed her the truth and the ability to choose what she wanted.
A life with him, gritty downside included, or one without him.
He sat in the new truck he’d traded the Jeep in for. He’d held onto the past for so long, unsure why, but it was time to let it go.
Telling Willow the truth about how he felt was the right thing to do. She’d always been honest with him, and she deserved no less in return. The idea that she might forgive what he’d done and still choose him elated and sickened him at the same time.
How could he not want her to have a perfect life? If he was a better man, he’d let her find happiness with someone else. Selfish bastard.
At least Gideon could be a smarter one, learn from his mistakes, and have a life worth living.
Cole’s black Kawasaki Ninja superbike was in front of the building.
Gideon contemplated waiting until after Cole and Maddox left, but he needed to face the music. Ten minutes passed. Twenty.
He wiped his sweaty palms on his pants, grabbed the wrapped jewelry box, and got out of the truck, leaving the cane he needed for the next week behind. Pulse racing like he was on a mission, he limped inside the building, grabbing the door as someone came out, then hobbled up the stairs and to Maddox’s front door.
He rang the bell and waited.
Cole opened the door. Shock blanketed his face. “Whoa.” He closed the door to a crack and whispered, “He-who-should-not-be-named should not be here.”
“I need to see her.” For some reason, Gideon whispered back.
“Not happening. Maddox wants to shoot you. In the ass.”
Gideon lowered his head in shame. “Yeah, I gathered.”
“Who is it, hon?” Maddox asked from inside.
“Jehovah’s Witness. Give me a sec.” Cole stepped into the hall, closing the door.
“I fucked up.” Better to cut straight to it.
“Big time, buddy.” Cole dragged a hand through his long, inky hair and folded his arms across his sturdy chest. The guy was cut like a brawler, lethal as a scalpel, but he lit up Maddox’s life like a football stadium.
“Just give Willow a message. Tell her—”
&
nbsp; “Noooo.” Cole shook his head. “You’re not dragging me down with you.”
The door swung open. Maddox stiffened at the sight of Gideon and cut her eyes to Cole. “What’s he doing here?”
“He’s leaving.” Cole raised his hands, urging her to go back inside.
“I’m not leaving until I talk to Willow.” Gideon stood his ground.
Maddox put her hands on her hips, avoiding his gaze. “Tell him to leave or I’m getting my gun. Better yet, hon, why not knock some sense into him with your fists?”
“I messed up,” Gideon said. “I’m here to fix it. I need to talk to her.”
Cole looked between him and Maddox like a referee poised to throw a flag.
“Tell this selfish moron this isn’t about what he needs. Willow has lost everything. Her father is in the hospital. The last thing she needs right now is to see him.”
“Willow is everything to me.” Gideon took a step closer, but Cole waltzed in front of him, blocking his path. “With her, I want to go all the way.”
Maddox recoiled, her gaze pinning him. “You? All the way?”
He nodded. His best friend didn’t know how significant the phrase was but knew he meant serious business. “If she’ll still have me. If not, I won’t bother her again.” He leaned around Cole and handed Maddox the jewelry box. “Tell her I want to talk. If she wants me to leave, I will.”
She snatched the gift. “This isn’t a ring box, Mr. All-The-Way.”
“Please, give it to her.”
“If she decides to see you, admit you’re an idiot. A damn fool. And you need to be on your knees when you apologize.”
“Understood.” Swallowing his nerves, he stuffed his hands into his pockets.
* * *
Willow finished hanging up her new clothes from the shopping trip with Maddox and Cole. They’d both been amazing.
The devastation of losing all her possessions was still hard to believe, but the insurance company promised to work quickly to issue a check. She was grateful her father was out of the coma now and talking. The hospital wanted to hold him a little longer to monitor his Hodgkin’s, but he was officially on the mend.
