by M A Roth
“Fine, just this one.” He let out a heavy breath as he continued to watch me. “What happened today? I know you were lying and you don’t have to lie to me.”
I turned away, feeling guilty for lying to Zee. I stayed with my back turned to him, not wanting him to see my face.
“I saw Sam, today, my brother.” I said, feeling the loss rise inside me.
I had never truly dealt with losing my family, but to see Sam after so long made the memories rise to the surface. I stayed silent for a few moments, and Zee didn’t make a sound. I turned to see if he was gone, but he stood only two feet away from me, sympathy and compassion burned in his eyes.
“Did he say anything?” he asked.
I swallowed the lump that was forming in my throat. “He told me to come home.” I downed the vodka, letting it douse the flames that were burning inside me.
Zee’s forehead creased. “Do you want to go?”
I raised the empty mug to my trembling lips to hide my emotions from Zee. I wasn’t good with people seeing me like this. When I swallowed, it was only air as the mug was empty, but it gave me a moment to calm myself.
“I don’t know. I’m really tired. I think I’ll go to bed.” I placed the mug on the table, not meeting his eye and walked past him. He reached out, his arm ever so gently wrapped around my waist. I didn’t look up into his eyes in fear of what might happen. My body responded to him so easily, so I focused on his chest, it heaved under his black T-shirt.
As he spoke, his breath brushed my forehead. “If you need me, I’ll be on the couch no matter what hour.”
I swallowed again, but didn’t look up. “Thanks,” I whispered.
His arm unwound from around me and I left, closing my bedroom door behind me, trying to calm my racing heart.
***
That night, I dreamt of before.
My mother had been always sad. That’s how I remembered her. I didn’t have one memory or a photo of my mum happy. My memories start from the age of four, people say it’s not possible, but I have them and my mum has been always sick. I remember sitting on the stairs and the doctors talking to my father. I wasn’t sure at the time what they were discussing, but later I learned it was because my mother wasn’t getting better.
Dad had to work, there was no two ways about it so mum took care of us. The first day, my dad was worried when he left me and my brother in my mother’s hands. My brother was only three at the time. And I was five. I stayed in my room and kept my brother with me, playing a tea party with Mr. Bear and Diana, my rag doll. Hunger was one reason for leaving the room. I would pass the sitting room door where my mother sat, staring out of the window. Her brown eyes darted to me, freezing me to the spot. I was afraid to move, but I didn’t know why. I just felt afraid of her. I would make a peanut butter sandwich for myself and some Ready Brek for Sam; I had seen dad make it before so I was careful. It took me a while as I pulled the chair around the kitchen, reaching the presses and the microwave. I turned to go back upstairs, but my mother blocked the door. I stood still, hoping she wouldn’t see me.
She was always so quiet, but on this day, she spoke, “If your dad thinks that I don’t mind you and Sam, he will send you away and you’ll never see us again.”
She knelt down, taking the food from my hands and placing it on the floor. Her face softened, and she hugged me. I didn’t hug her back. She cried, saying she was sorry for everything. She pulled back and handed me my food and returned to her seat in the sitting room. I raced up to Sam. His food was cold, but he ate it. He was quiet for a child, well, I realized later on that three-year-olds are not always as good. We would play up there for the rest of the day until dad got home from work. I would race into his arms and hug him tightly, knowing everything would be okay.
“Did you have fun with your mum, today?” Dad asked.
I thought of what mummy had said to me; I didn’t want to go away from daddy or Sam. So I nodded, smiled and went back to playing with Mr. Bear. This became our routine for the next month.
Memories flashed through my mind, snippets of talking to Sam, playing games, saying goodbye as dad left for work and greeting him when he got home. My mother’s empty eyes, and then the memories stopped, slowing down to another one.
“Sam, I’m going to the toilet, you stay here with Mr. Bear.”
Sam nodded and continued to pour tea for us all. I closed the bedroom door behind me so he would stay in. He was too small to reach the handle. I raced down to the bathroom. The door was open. My mother was lying on the white tile floor. The tiles were red. She looked so white and the knife daddy always told us not to touch lay in her hand. I noticed her arm was cut really bad. I didn’t run to her or cry as I was too afraid of what was standing in the corner of the bathroom.
A dark figure, like a big man, with a cloak over him stared down at my mum. He scared me. My breath came out in small puffs of cold air. I could see the water that dripped from the tap was frozen solid, held in midair. I looked back at the man, frost was starting to grow on his cloak. He wasn’t the bad man that was always around mummy. He was different, but still he felt wrong.
I ran back to Sam and closed the door, pulling him into the corner of the room. It was getting so cold that our breath was visible in front of us. Sam started to cry, but I pulled him beside me while crossing my legs so I wouldn’t pee. But it was so cold, and it took daddy a long time to get home and I didn’t want to go into the bathroom where mummy and the man were.
I could hear my daddy’s scream before he burst into the room, gathering me and Sam in his arms. He was crying. I had never seen daddy cry before.
“I’m sorry, daddy. I wet myself,” I said.
My dress was ruined. I loved this dress. It made me feel like a princess.
“Did you go into the bathroom?” Dad asked, his voice sounded scared, maybe he’d seen the bad man, but then I remembered all the times he said that it wasn’t real, and that I shouldn’t make up stories, so I didn’t say anything about the man. I didn’t want daddy to lock me in my room again.
“Mummy’s hurt, and she was near the toilet I couldn’t go,"
He held me tightly and, at the moment, I thought everything would be okay, but I was so wrong.
***
I woke up covered in sweat, finding it hard to breathe. A scream clawed at my throat, needing release. My bedroom door opened and Zee burst in, light streaming in behind him.
“Abigail?” He was afraid, well, he could feel my fear. He moved around the bed and sat on the edge. My breathing came to me and I swallowed the scream, pushing my damp hair off my forehead.
“I just had a nightmare,” I said. But inside, I was screaming. I looked at Zee. At that moment, I wanted to let the world rain down on me and forget this cruel place. I no longer wanted to be here. It was too painful.
Zee made me lie back down and pulled the blankets up over me. I didn’t protest as he lay down beside me, stroking my hair.
“You’re safe now. I won’t leave you,” he said
I knew he would never leave, but I was leaving, that was the problem. I didn’t know when or how, I just knew that soon I would be gone. A tear escaped the tight prison I had kept it tightly in and slid down my face. Zee rubbed it away gently with his thumb. I moved closer into his arms. I had never allowed myself to get this close to him, but right now I needed him more than the air that was vital to my lungs. His arms fastened around me. He didn’t move a muscle, but the heat from his body sent me into a dreamless sleep.
Chapter Ten
Daniel
Once she was asleep, I lay there with her in my arms, watching her breath deeply. I studied her face, remembering every inch of it. From the light freckles, that crossed the bridge of her nose, to her long eyelashes. My fingers traced her face gently and her small smile made me stop. My heart raced. I wanted her to open her eyes at that moment. I wanted to kiss her and tell her she was mine, but I didn’t. Instead, I pulled my arm out slowly and left her to dream p
eacefully.
Outside, the rain came down in drizzle. I checked out the area, making sure nothing was off. A part of me wanted to go, find Blake and kill him, but it might look suspicious. If I had been driving, she wouldn’t have been harmed. My fists clenched with anger as I remembered Father Peter telling me Abigail was in an accident. I feared I had lost her, and the relief of seeing her alive was short lived when I saw all her injuries.
“How do you like this world?” I spun around at Zuris’s voice. He looked the same as he did the last time I had seen him. His black, long, straight hair flowed down his back. He had pale skin like me, but his eyes always shone red. He could never pass as human and with his wide frame and towering height of seven feet, he looked formidable. He gave a short laugh. “I know, it’s been what? Nearly ten years, brother?”
My shock wore off quickly, soon replaced with worry. What was he doing here? But I kept my face impassive. “What are you doing here?”
This time, Zuris laughed, and it was loud. “That is quite the greeting. I was told you had lost your sense of humour, brother. Word is, you’re in love with a mortal!” One of his eyebrows rose for me to deny it.
“You didn’t come here to talk about my sense of humour,” I said.
His face became serious, a look of resignation rested upon him. I could see the handle of his swords peeking out over both his shoulders. My body tensed again. He was dressed for war, but then again, I remembered him as always being dressed for battle.
“No, I didn’t. I came with a deal for you.” He paused, and I stood still, waiting. When I didn’t say anything, he continued, “Return and your status will be restored. We understand that mistakes can be made and you becoming a mortal was obviously a mistake. So if you come with me now, Lucifer promises not to punish you.”
I laughed, but it held no humour. “Lucifer promises… two words I never thought I would hear. If I decline?” I asked the most important question, and he smirked.
“I don’t believe I need to tell you what will happen. We need you back. A war has started and Nicolas Frost is claiming far more ground in Hades than we believed possible, so we need you, brother.”
“I’m sorry, Zuris, but I’m staying.” I stood still, waiting for him to attack, maybe try to drag me back, but he didn’t.
“The worlds will come to an end and you’re in the wrong world, brother,” he let out a heavy breath. “I will return and tell him that you declined. The next time you see me, I can’t let you live, you understand?”
I nodded, understanding fully. “I hope we don’t cross paths for a long time,” I said, and meant it.
“Hope is for the weak, brother. As is love. If you change your mind, I’ll help to make sure your punishment is minimal this time.”
I flinched inwardly, understanding what, this timemeant. The punishment I’d received before had gone on for a century. Everyone was shocked at how I came back with my sanity intact. I often wonder if I had.
“Goodbye, brother!” Zuris said before he disappeared with the rain.
I returned to Abigail’s bedroom and lay back down beside her, before wrapping her in my arms and holding her close to my chest. She was all that mattered. She was worth fighting for. She was worth living for.
Abigail
I woke the next morning, still lying in Zee’s arms. The morning sunshine that streamed through my window brought clarity. My face reddened as I tried to move from Zee’s embrace without waking him up. I lifted his heavy arm off me and stayed still for a moment. His breathing was still the same. I looked up to make sure he was still asleep and met his blue eyes that held a smile in them.
“Good morning!” he said, a smile appearing on his lips.
I dropped his arm like it was poisonous and then I blushed, but couldn’t help but smile back. I mentally kicked myself for such flirting.
I jumped off the bed and stood at the end of it. “Morning,” I said as Zee placed his hands at the back of his head, smiling away at me. “So what are your plans for today?” I asked as I started to gather up clothes from the floor. I needed to distract myself.
“Whatever you’re doing.”
I stopped and looked at him, putting my hands on my hips. “So you’re cleaning and doing laundry all day?”
“Cleaning and laundry it is then.” Zee answered and got up, much to my dismay, and started picking up my clothes off the floor on his side of the bed.
I raced across the room, taking them from his hands, feeling embarrassed now by the mess.
“Just go make coffee, Zee. I’ll do this.”
He smiled at me, sending my heart into overdrive. “Two coffees coming right up,” he said as he made his way to the kitchen.
I flopped down on the bed, feeling way in over my head.
“Stupid, Abigail!” I said, slapping my forehead.
I shouldn’t have let him stay last night. I was giving him the wrong impression; I would definitely be damned to hell for hurting him.
The day passed as I had promised, cleaning and laundry. But Sam’s words were filling up most of my thoughts; he wanted me to go home. Goose bumps would coat my arms and neck every time I thought of returning to the house. I hadn’t gone back since the day they died. The house was left for me since I was the only survivor, but I never tried to sell it and I couldn’t ever go back to it. My whole life, after that point, was burying what happened to me under a rock and hoping it would never return. Well, now it was coming back. The only comfort I got out of seeing Sam was that I knew he wasn’t in hell. I never truly believed he was, but sometimes, it played on my mind. I needed to go back. There must be something he wanted me to find or see. I finished up the last of the tidying. It would do for now. It should hold for another while. I showered and dressed in jeans and a jumper before tying up my hair in a high bobbin. I slipped on a pair of brown boots and grabbed my brown, leather jacket. Zee looked up from the couch where he was lounging. I stood in the doorway, unsure of what to do and looking at him brought back that horrible night.
“Going somewhere?” he asked, his eyes once again intense on my face, searching.
“Yes.” I paused for a moment, trying to relax my body.
A weakness had come into my legs at the thought of going back, but it was something I needed to do.
“I’m going back, Zee,” I said.
He didn’t reply, but stood up and put on his jacket. Grabbing his keys and both of our phones, he handed me my phone letting his fingers linger on mine longer than necessary.
“Are you sure about this?”
“No.” I laughed nervously. “But I’m going.”
“Okay, let’s go,” he said, moving towards the door.
“You don’t have to come.” I wanted him to come. I couldn’t do this on my own, but this would bring back memories for him too.
“I know I don’t have to,” he said, leaving the house with me.
Chapter Eleven
Abigail
We pulled up outside number thirty-three Varnesdale drive. I sat in the car, staring up at the house that I had called home for so long. My hands refused to move off the steering wheel and my body wouldn’t respond to the messages coming from my brain to reach for the door handle.
“We can always go home,” Zee said, making me look at him.
I smiled. It was always we in his eyes and he called my place home. I didn’t deserve him, not me.
I opened the door, my decision final, and moved down the path that led to the front door. Zee followed behind. I took out the key that still had the little Care Bear dangling off it. Its brown coat was now dark with years of being left in my jewelry box.
The click of the turning key resounded in my ears as I opened the door. The hall looked the same as it always had been only the white walls were now tainted yellow from being vacant of any human life for so long. Pictures of our family covered the walls, but not one of them showed mum smiling. A thick layer of dust coated everything. I shivered internally; too many memories c
ame back to me. I shook them off, not wanting to remember and focused on the carpet. I placed my foot on the first step of the stairs; the brown carpet with its red swirls was darker. I started to climb. The smell of musk rose with the weight of my body, tainting my lungs. The stairs creaked as I moved slowly up. I turned to make sure Zee was behind me, he was and he gave me a reassuring smile.
I passed the bathroom and didn’t look in. My skin crawled as I made my way to the bedroom I shared with Sam. I kept picturing the man standing in the corner as my mother lay dead on the cold white tiles.
My breath caught in my throat as I took in our room, the room that my dad and my brother had died in. The dark stains that ringed the old green carpet were still visible. The furniture was left overturned, the same since that night. A few of Sam’s toys were crushed from the commotion. I swallowed. Zee’s hand slid into mine and squeezed. I looked back at him, giving him a small smile of thanks for being there. I don’t think I could have done this without him. I moved around the room, not touching anything, but looking for something that could tell me why Sam sent me here. I stayed away from the dried pools of blood that had crusted over.
“What am I looking for, Sam?” I asked quietly.
I waited for a few moments, but didn’t get an answer.
A creak on the landing made me and Zee move together into the hall, but we were met again with emptiness. My heart was in overdrive.
The creak of my parents’ bedroom door opening sent my eyes in that direction. I watched the door open, but couldn’t see what was moving it. It stopped, its hinges screeching.
I looked at Zee. He took my hand, and we moved together, his body moving in front of mine. His hand felt so right in mine, our fingers twined together. I could feel sweat start to pool in the palm of my hand.
I shook myself; this was not the time to be thinking about Zee.
