by A. m Madden
No Turning Back: A Breaking the Rules Novel by A. M. Madden
Published by A. M. Madden
Copyright ©2021 by A. M. Madden
First edition e-book published 2021
All rights reserved worldwide. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without the written permission of the author, except where permitted by law.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
The use of locations and products throughout this book is done for storytelling purposes and should in no way be seen as advertisement. Trademark names are used in an editorial fashion, with no intention of infringement of the respective owner’s trademark.
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A.M. Madden
Email: [email protected]
Twitter: @ammadden1
Facebook: facebook.com/ammadden
Website: ammadden.com
To my three kings, you rule my world.
Table of Contents
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-Two
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
More by A. M. Madden
About A. M. Madden
Prologue
Her
It felt like a bad dream. There had been only one time in my life when profound sadness squeezed my insides to the point of nausea, and that was when my mother died years ago. Ironically, this felt no different from a death.
I was losing him.
After three years together, three amazing years, it was over. And not because we’d grown apart, or fallen out of love, or even something as dramatic as infidelity. His new life was in California, and mine remained in New Jersey. It was as unimaginative as that.
There wasn’t a part of me that resented him for accepting the transfer. It would open so many opportunities in his career. Being a sports agent meant you followed the demand. I understood the need for him to go. What I couldn’t wrap my head around was the fact he didn’t ask me to join him.
Knowing him, he wanted to spare me any other turmoil in my life. I’d had a rough go of things, stemming back to birth. Although many would consider it an exciting life, it wasn’t easy growing up as an army brat. It wasn’t any easier for my mother—still, she’d supported my dad wherever he was stationed.
But once I turned twelve, my welfare became her priority. That was the magical age when I grew to hate the constant moves and starting over each time we did. I was no longer the happy-go-lucky kid they were used to having… albeit hormones probably had a lot to do with my change in attitude. Regardless, my mother put me first above all else.
So, when Dad was transferred to Germany that summer, Mom settled us where she had grown up in New Jersey. Small-town America, where I could have an ordinary life as a teenage girl.
The strain of their separation caused an inevitable divorce. Mom always said it was for the best, especially after he moved on and remarried a few years later. I’ve never met my stepmother, mainly because Dad’s guilt had erected a brick wall between us. For a while he sent the obligatory birthday or Christmas check and called me a few times a year. Even those infrequent, impersonal attempts faded with time.
I loved the life my mom gave me, but as an adult I carried plenty of guilt because my mom’s decision to keep me in the States ultimately led to my parents’ divorce. The man I loved, whom I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, knew that. I had no doubt that had influenced his decision to not ask me to move. Still, he should’ve left it up to me to make that decision… unless he didn’t want me to be with him.
We had every conversation that needed to be had—trying a long-distance romance, considering it a brief hiatus. They were temporary solutions to a much bigger problem. Our relationship was at a crossroads, and he was about to take a sharp left without me.
The idling sedan behind him served as a timer ticking down to our goodbye. While engaged in a desperate clutch, neither of us wanted to let go. Even though I promised myself that I wouldn’t make it harder on him, This is stupid and You are my world sat on the tip of my tongue. I didn’t voice the words; instead, I suppressed them, so they would probably fester like a virus within me.
When he pulled away and cupped my face, it was time… the moment I had dreaded for weeks had come.
I tried to prepare myself for the lump in my throat, which felt like barbed wire. For the weight on my chest that became heavier with each breath I took. Or for the tears that felt like acid on my skin. Worst of all, nothing could’ve prepared me for the crippling pain that consumed every part of me from head to toe.
I sucked in a jagged breath when his large palms drew me closer for a soft kiss before he pulled away to stare into my eyes. His own eyes shimmered with emotion in the cruel, revealing sunlight, bright and glaring while exposing every vulnerability.
“I have to go.” A shaky nod was all I could muster as a reply. “I love you. I always will.”
Forcing myself to swallow past the pain, I whispered, “I love you too.”
With that, he kissed me once more before slipping into the back seat. I didn’t know if it was on his command or because the driver had lost patience, but the car instantly pulled into traffic, disappearing around the corner and taking my heart with it.
Him
What the fuck did I just do?
Chapter One
Riana
Three years later ~ February
“I’m not interested.”
Her head snapped my way, sending her blonde ponytail swaying while revealing giant blue saucers for eyes. “But why?” she then whined, comparable to a child who had lost their lollipop. “He’s so cute, and sweet. He loves to read and visit museums… like you do. He’s a runner! You have so much in common. We could double-date.” Her eyes bulged wider. “Ooh, ooh… we can go on vacations
together! It would be so much fun.”
Or a complete and utter disaster.
“Janie, please stop. I’m not interested,” I repeated. After one last spurt of caffeinated liquid gold landed in my mug, I snatched it from below the spout and turned to dismiss my pain-in-the-ass friend. Of course, she followed right to my desk and plopped herself on the edge. Clearly, the discussion wasn’t over.
She always meant well. This wasn’t her first attempt to set me up, and each time I pushed back. I enjoyed being alone. After having had just one long-term relationship, which I’d thought was forever until a job transfer broke us apart, and one other that I had hoped was forever until I realized I wasn’t his person, it felt good being with me, myself, and I.
Since my last breakup, I had come to know people in love had this annoying need to push their single friends into relationships… like Janie. Her spiel was a broken record, and this one she had sung on a loop for the past six days, since her man’s brother had come back into town.
“Look, I get why you’d think dating Jake could be great. But… it also could be awful.”
“Not true! You’re both in similar situations.” She paused expectantly, only to rush on and say, “You can’t blame him for being on the rebound when you are as well.” I blinked a few times while processing her dumb logic. Didn’t she realize using the fact he was fresh out of a long-term relationship, of which he had been dumped, would be counterproductive to her argument? Sensing my bafflement, she took my hand and squeezed. “You can lean on each other for comfort… or other things,” she finished with a poignant eyebrow wiggle.
“It’s still a no.”
“Okay, how about you just come over tonight for a drink, ignore the fact it’s Valentine’s Day? If you don’t feel a spark, then I’ll never mention him again. We’ll bring in that sushi you like… Ross and I will treat.”
Suppressing a giggle, I had to admire her sudden twist of logic. “I can’t. I have that call with Cooper tonight.”
“Riana,” she scolded. “You can’t keep holing yourself up in your apartment and wasting your life dwelling on the past. It’s been what, a year now?”
Actually, I’d broken up with him two years ago almost to the day, but Janie rarely paid attention to details.
“He’s moved on, and you need to as well,” she continued.
It wasn’t like that, but I couldn’t blame her for thinking as much based on our complicated history. Cooper was an amazing person. He and I had clicked and connected the moment we’d met by chance that day. I had slipped during a run on the boardwalk and fallen into him. Things romance movies were made of.
During our time together, he truly cared about me, made me feel special in every way he could, except for one. I was in love with him, and he loved me as well, but not in a forever kind of way. Something made me feel that our relationship was holding us back from other things, and it was me who’d ended it.
“I have moved on,” I argued.
“Hiding in your apartment when you can instead meet the man who could very possibly be your soul mate is not moving on. Spending the night on the phone with your ex and his lover is not moving on.”
“I also plan to eat a pint of ice cream and watch a rom-com.”
“That’s pathetic.”
“It’s gelato,” I argued with a grin. “Now please let me get back to work.”
Her response was a grumble and a few stomps toward her desk. Through my peripheral, I could see her pouting some more, and by my choosing to ignore her, she finally put an end to it.
Sharing the real reason that I’d been communicating with my ex-boyfriend more than usual this past week wasn’t an option. Besides, she’d never understand. In fact, when the time came for me to tell her what I planned to do, no doubt Janie would think I had lost my ever-loving mind. Most would, but I had my reasons.
My love for Cooper Stanton wasn’t in a romantic sense. I truly cared about him. He had become my best friend… actually, more like family. From the moment we’d broken up, we’d remained close. Our situation was unique in that I’d dumped him on Valentine’s Day because he was too sweet and caring to dump me. That was the man Cooper Stanton was.
Oddly enough, our breakup made us even closer. It definitely had to do with the fact Cooper confided in me when he was an emotionally confused mess, which had led to his self-discovery of being a gay man. And since that awakening, he has been in a very happy, loving relationship with Ricky, his sister’s best friend.
Even though he had never been attracted to another man, not even when with me, I’d known throughout our ten months together that something was missing. That woman’s intuition thing was very much real. At the time, I did not know it was his sexuality in question.
The funny part: I was as close to Cooper’s guy as I was to Cooper. They were very important to me, and I wouldn’t apologize for that. That being said, I didn’t apologize for any of my choices in life. Did I have regrets? Of course. But each decision I’d made had led me right to where I was—in a rewarding line of work surrounded by friends who loved me while being at peace with myself.
I really couldn’t complain in life. Well, I could, but that wouldn’t get me anywhere. Sure, when it came to family, I had been dealt a crap hand. Dad was a serviceman who’d lived in Germany with his new family. Mom was a strong woman who’d sacrificed her marriage for my happiness and raised me alone… only to have me lose her in high school from cancer. That left me with an aunt, uncle, and two cousins in Canada on my father’s side.
After I lost Mom, out of obligation or pressure from my dad, they’d asked me to move in with them, to which I’d refused. I had no relationship with them, or my father. He’d allowed his guilt to ruin what little we shared.
Being on my own since I was seventeen made me extremely independent. I was able to use what little I had inherited from Mom to pay for my college tuition. I eventually sold the small colonial that I’d grown up in to buy a swanky condo near the beach. And without debt to speak of, I was able to support myself while working for a modest salary within my field.
Working at the nonprofit organization, Angels on Earth, reminded me daily how lucky I was compared to so many. Knowing that each day we touched a life in one way, or another, supplied an amazing high. According to all the women we helped who had suffered from abuse over the years, we lived up to our name. Unfortunately, increases in rent and lack of funds forced the founders to cut staff. Janie and I had been the last ones in, so come the end of the month, we would be unemployed.
Janie wasn’t concerned. She was on the verge of becoming engaged and planned to be a kept woman until she found a position. As far as me, I should’ve been pounding the pavement to find a new job, but I had a plan… one that had formed in my mind on a whim and has since grown into a full-blown mission.
But the first step would be to convince those involved it was a great idea.
My nerves spiked higher when at 8:00 p.m. on the nose my scheduled video call came through on my laptop. I quickly hit “Connect” and grinned at them. “Hey, guys.”
“Ree Ree,” Ricky greeted with his nickname for me. “Happy Valentine’s Day!”
“To you guys as well,” I replied, smiling at Cooper’s melancholy expression stemming from the backstory to this very day.
“How are you, beautiful?” Ricky asked.
“I’m good.” They looked hot, all tanned and relaxed. Whenever I was in their company, most women drooled over them. Cooper had elicited that reaction even as we’d dated, especially from all his pretty female students. Tall, light-brown hair, hazel eyes that could see right into your soul, and a sexy scruff made him gorgeous in a laid-back way. Ricky, equally good looking with his thick blond hair and ice-blue eyes, had more of a California vibe going. And when together, once it was obvious that they were a couple, the disappointed faces on females in their wake spoke volumes. “How was Hawaii?”
“Eh, you’ve seen one tropical paradise in a private helicopt
er tour, you’ve seen them all,” Cooper quipped. Cooper wasn’t being facetious in any way. Between the two, Cooper would be happy with a book, a beer, and a beach. Ricky was the driving force behind their adventures.
“So ungrateful,” Ricky predictably countered with an eye roll.
“Stop. You know your fortune is the real reason I married you.” I giggled when Cooper grinned. It was true that Ricky was very rich, but that was most definitely a bone of contention for Cooper. Ricky had inherited it all from his father and has since done amazing things with his money. Ricky, along with his best friends Marco and Rebecca, all started a luxury cruising business that was very successful. Marco’s wife, Rebecca, was also Cooper’s sister.
It had taken some time for Cooper to accept Ricky’s wealth. As a college professor, Cooper enjoyed a salary that afforded him a comfortable lifestyle. But being with Ricky forced Cooper to accept all the spoils that came along with him.
After they’d gotten married last June, the newlyweds had traveled whenever Cooper had been on break from the university. They always made it a point to send a postcard or a gift from some exotic location—or simply to check in with me. After a few months in which I hadn’t seen them, they had made the trip up from Florida to spend the holidays in Jersey with Cooper’s family.
As they always had, the Stantons invited me to join them on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Being one of five, Cooper came from a large brood, and when Cooper and I had dated, they had welcomed me into their clan with open arms. Even now, they continued to consider me part of their family.
Cooper’s mother had taken our breakup very hard. We got along so well, and after things ended between us, Cooper had let it slip she’d hoped I’d be her daughter-in-law someday. That was well before Cooper had come out to his family. Once he had, they’d all accepted his new reality without question, but they still cared about me.
I’d been blessed with exes. My first serious boyfriend came from the same caring, considerate, generally good people kind of stock as Cooper. Although I loved Cooper, the man before him was the love of my life. I had no doubt if he hadn’t been relocated to California, we would’ve still been together to this day. But life had gotten in the way, and after three years had gone by, I knew we weren’t meant to be. Last I heard, he was engaged to be married, and I was so happy he had found his person.
