by Carina Lupo
**************
It’s been weeks since I said goodbye to Chris that evening before the break and the subject was never approached by either of us again. With all the time we’ve been putting in at the studio, we really haven’t had much contact with each other than at work. That was also a little bit by design as I think we were avoiding each other somewhat, too. I started to believe that Chris regretted what happened that night and was now just ignoring the fact altogether and moving on. That was the smart thing to do. Anything else would complicate things immensely and jeopardize the band, but I would be lying if I didn’t say it was hard for me to be near him yet so far, ignoring the feelings that surfaced that evening.
Nonetheless, I do what I think it’s necessary and keep my feelings to myself until, one evening, after we were done for the day and everyone had left the studio, Chris stayed behind and approached me once we were outside on the street.
“Why are you ignoring me?” he says right away. I think I can almost see some hurt in his eyes now.
“I thought you were ignoring me… I just respected that.”
“Ever since that evening you hardly talked to me outside of this studio. We kissed… and then nothing… like it never happened!”
“I thought that’s what you wanted.”
“Is that what you really thought or were you just too much of a coward to face what happened?”
“Both I guess...” I admit coyly. “It is for the best this way...”
“I don’t believe you.”
“What do you want me to say Chris?” I answer feeling unsure of what to do.
“Say what you feel! Say something, damn it! You’re driving me crazy here!”
His intensity is startling. “I don’t know what you want…” I say but he doesn’t let me finish.
“What I want?” He takes a pause then continues exasperated, “I want you!” Before I can react he pulls me to him, his strong arms holding me close. I feel the warmth of his body against mine and that melts away all my resolution, we kiss again. This time a different kind of kiss, filled with passion and anger.
“Tell me you don’t feel anything!” he says, but I just look away. I can’t look into his eyes knowing what I’m going to say next.
“We can’t keep doing this Chris.”
“Why not?”
“This will ruin everything. We have a good thing going here with the band and our friendship.”
“I don’t care…”
“Yes you do! If we go on with this, how long do you think we can hide before someone finds out? If Susan finds out she will kick you out of the band before I can even say anything and you know it. I don’t want to risk you losing all the amazing experiences we are having and I especially don’t want to risk losing my best friend… I don’t think I would be able to endure that.”
He takes a deep breath and say, “This is fucked up Lor!” looking at me resigned.
“You know I’m right.”
“If this is what you want… fine, I’ll stay away then. We’ll just be friends.” He says looking hurt before turning around and leaving.
“Chris?” I call for him but he just keeps walking away. I feel empty inside… That is not what I wanted. It was what had to be done and it felt like shit.
**************
It was photo shoot time again for the cover of the new album. I still couldn’t make up my mind if I hated photo shoots or liked them. I might never actually pin down a feeling either way as they are always fun and at the same time a major pain in the butt. The guys on the other hand absolutely hated it and got all cranky about it which definitely did not help making the whole experience more fun.
A new single had already been released that week to create anticipation for the upcoming album and so far it was doing well on the charts. We were now just putting some finishing touches to the new record and were soon to be done. I was very thankful for all the work we had distracting me in the past few weeks as Chris wasn’t talking to me much other than during work. He was completely avoiding me and I couldn’t blame him for it. I decided to give him the space he needed, but my own feelings were weighting on me. I missed him.
A little sense of normalcy between us was only restored when one afternoon Susan called us and asked us to meet her at the Sony Music offices. When we get there, we are met with several important guys in suits and a crowd starts to gather around us. Soon we find out what it is it all about. Our first album had just made Platinum, which meant 1,000,000 copies sold in the US!
They present us with a plaque with our platinum album and an onslaught of pictures and congratulatory handshakes ensued. Susan couldn’t be more than delighted. All those happy important guys in expensive suits meant the full force of the label was going to be at our disposal to promote our next CD.
After all the formalities are done, that evening the whole band goes out for a celebration of our own and even Susan joins us this time. We go to a posh LA club where we take on a VIP section and the champagne is free flowing. At that moment, we are all so happy that any hard feelings between me and Chris are put on the backburner for a while. It is wonderful to have him be friendly to me again without the baggage of what happened between us. We are finally just talking and hanging like we used to.
Later that evening though, alone in my apartment, he is all I can think about… as hard as I try otherwise, my thoughts always go back to him. I couldn’t sleep so I decide to do what I do best when my feelings are too much to keep inside… I put them down on paper and a new song is born.
Next day is our last in the studio or at least that’s what they all thought until I come in.
“I know it’s too late and we are kind of done here, but what is the possibility of putting another song in the album?” I ask sheepishly.
“Another song?” Susan asks surprised. “Well… I guess it would be ok if you are really keen on it. The only problem is you would have to record it and be done with the mix no later than tomorrow because we need to move on to mastering and copying as the release date is already set.”
“I’m up for it if you guys are,” says Martin, the sound engineer.
“Thanks Martin, you’re trooper.” I smile at him.
“What you’ve got for us boss?” asks Ted ready to go.
I hand out the sheet music I had written down just the night before.
“I took the time to come up and write down some of the guitar solos so we could speed up the recording process.” I say. “I guess we can just play through the song now and make any adjustments or changes before we record it.”
“Sounds good,” says James.
We start playing the song[2] and I am terrified as I start to sing the song to them for the first time. The lyrics would make very clear to Chris that I wanted to be with him if I could. My heart is beating hard in my chest and I don’t dare looking at him as I sing the very reveling lyrics.
When we are done James is the first to speak. “Man, it’s a really good one, Lor”
“Yes it is.” Susan agrees. “Really, good. I see why you wanted it on the album. In fact, it’s good enough to be the next single I believe. It has a different feel than your other songs…” She gives me an inquisitive look that I chose to ignore and make no comments.
Chris is quiet through all this. He has a stunned look in his face that I hope no one notices.
“Okay good.” I say trying to sound as casual as I could. “I guess I’ll just run a few adjustments with Chris on the guitar solos. You missed a couple of the cues…” I say coyly.
He gives me a piercingly sarcastic look. “Sorry… I must have been distracted.”
I can’t tell if he is mad at me or happy or both. It was nerve wrecking not knowing and not being able to just talk about it. It was also nerve wrecking handling this major secret between us out in the open, but at the same time still hidden from everyone but us. I just try to focus on the work at hand and keep going. I rolled the dice now, so I might as well let the ch
ips falls as they may.
Chapter 11
When I wrote that song I didn’t know how true those lyrics would end up being. In the next few weeks, I would be hard pressed to get one moment alone with Chris. Susan had a deluge of TV and radio appearances programmed for us and also some interviews for just myself, including a profile done by Rolling Stones magazine. Consequently, a snoopy Rolling Stones reporter would be hanging around us day and night for a couple of days. In light of the song which we had just released, Chris and I didn’t even dare to look in the general direction of each other so as not to raise any suspicions. I was also feeling especially stressed with the media’s new attention on me. The more popular we got, the more interest there was in my past and I wasn’t ready to handle that. I fended off questions about it from the Rolling Stone’s reporter and when the magazine came out I end up having my biggest fight yet with Susan. I barge into her office with the magazine in my hands.
“What the fuck is this?” I angrily ask her. She gives me a puzzled look like she didn’t know what I was talking about it. I open the magazine to the page with my interview and there it was a picture of me when I was young, my parents, my sister, and me at the winery.
“Did you give them this picture?”
“No I didn’t.” She answers calmly a stark contrast to my intensity level.
“Well then, where the hell did they get this then?” I yell.
“I really don’t know… Lorelai... calm down.”
I take a deep breath and she continues to talk to me. “Look, like it or not, you’re a public figure now. Your life is in the media and there will always be an interest in your past. You’ll have to get used to it.”
That last comment sets me off and I completely loose it. “Get used to it? You want me to get used to it?” I say sarcastically running my hands through my hair exasperated. “Are you fucking kidding me? What part exactly do you want me to get used to Susan? The part where I lose all my family, or the part where the media gets to whore my tragedy to sell more magazines?
She doesn’t say anything.
“If I say I don’t want to answer questions about it during an interview, you’ll make that happen or there will be no more interviews, understand? No pictures of my family, unless I explicitly agree to it! You’re my goddamn agent, start acting like it.” I toss the magazine at her and storm out of her office while everyone there watched.
**************
The new album comes out and it’s a huge success, immediately hitting number one on the billboard. We’re boarding a plane to New York where we are about to get the quintessential seal that you’ve made it big in the music business. We are going to be the guest band on Saturday Night Live!
This is also the first time I see Susan since my blow up in her office and I’m feeling terribly ashamed.
“Sorry, I was such an ass to you the other day,” I say to her.
“It’s okay.” She replies dismissively.
“I just kind of lost it… It’s too hard having to answer questions about my family and seeing their picture…”
“I understand. You were right. We should have discussed it before it happened. I’ll take care of it from now on.”
“Okay. Sorry again...” I say still feeling bad about my attitude.
“Don’t fret Lorelai. That was not my first star tantrum… I’m sure I’ll survive!” She laughs. “At least yours was warranted, if that makes you feel any better.”
“A little.” I smile back at her.
When we arrive in New York, a car is waiting for us at the airport to takes us downtown.
We pull up to 30 Rockefeller Plaza and the NBC building where we are directed to the SNL studio. The place is a zoo with all kinds of stressed New Yorker’s running around getting things together for the show which is happening later that evening. The writers and cast are cracking jokes and playing pranks on one another. The cast is very nice to us though, and everyone stops by to say hello and chat at some point. We get our instructions and start our sound check and rehearsal with the crew. Then we go to our own dressing room to wait for our moment to arrive during the live show. We get to watch the show until it gets close to our performance.
When the moment arrives, we excitedly queue up on the dark wing of the stage. We can’t wait for the host of that day, some hot, young actor of the hour, to call our names. We are so nervous we’re all ready to barf. Butterflies in our stomachs are too delicate a description for what we felt. It was more like Tyrannosaurus Rex in our stomachs!
“Ladies and Gentlemen, here they are… Wildfire!” says the host. The lights go on above us, the crowd cheers and we start playing our new single. It’s funny that no matter how nervous we are, as soon as we start playing we calm down, immediately settling into our routine, just another day in the office I guess. When we finish, the show goes into commercial break and now we have to wait again for our second song but now that we got the first song out of the way we aren’t so nervous anymore and we finally start having some fun. We just goof off with some of the cast backstage until our time comes again. We perform our latest single, the song we recorded last on the new album, and we are all pumped up with adrenaline and just having a great time. The performance is electric.
After that there is just one more sketch and the show is over we take the stage again as the host bids goodnight and the SNL band starts playing the iconic goodnight song.
When everything wraps up, we leave the studio and head out to a party they host for the cast and their guests. It’s a celebrity packed affair and we’re having a ball. Wildfire had just done its first SNL appearance, and it was a great performance, we couldn’t ask for anything more.
As the night wears on I notice Susan had already left the party. I look for Ted and James and see they are both chatting up some girls happily enjoying themselves. I pull up to the bar and order a drink. Chris comes next to me, lightly brushes against me and orders a drink too. He looks incredibly hot with his blond hair pulled back in a ponytail, black jeans, shirt and a vest. I’m feeling giddy and confident from the evening we just had and I guess that gives me courage.
“Do you want to get out of here?” I ask him.
“Absolutely,” he answers with a huge smile.
“Okay, wait for ten more minutes then leave. I’ll wait for you around the corner.”
I finish my drink, say my goodbyes and leave. I go outside and wait. Soon after, I see Chris walking towards me.
“Want to take a walk to our hotel?” I say to him.
“Sure,” he answers and we start walking the very empty streets of New York together.
“New York is so peaceful at 3:00 in the morning,” I say.
“Yeah, it’s very pretty and it’s especially nice because now you got me all alone.” He says giving me a smoldering look… it makes my heart skip a beat.
“Yes it appears that I have.” I grin and put my arm around his. We walk the rest of the way just enjoying each other’s company and chatting about all the happenings of that evening. We get to our hotel before I know it and he walks me to the door of my room. We look at each other for a moment and I can feel my heart racing. I’m back against the wall and his body is extremely close to mine as he moves a strand of my hair away from my face letting his fingers lightly brush against my skin.
“If you want me to go, I’ll go,” he finally says.
“I don’t want you to go… that’s the last thing I want you to do. I want you to stay with me. I want you… I don’t care anymore. I never wanted anything this much in life.”
“I’m glad because I don’t think I could have left…” He gives me one of his irresistible smiles.
I use my key card to open the door. I take his hand and lead him into the room. My heart races even faster now, so fast I didn’t know it was possible and somehow it feels amazing…
He takes my face in his hands and we kiss, this time freely, with no restraints. Our bodies glued to one another as we make our way towa
rds the bedroom. All my mind can concentrate on is how his lips feel against mine. I slide his vest off and start opening the buttons of his shirt revealing his muscular chest. He slowly starts to undress me… I feel his hands caressing my skin. His touch feels electrifying. My mind is spinning. He gently lays me down on the bed. I feel his body on mine. His soft skin and hard chest pressing against my own, “You are so beautiful,” he says looking straight into my eyes. We kiss passionately, with abandon, finally giving in to the desire that had been burning inside us for so long.
If only I could record the beautiful music playing in my head right now.
**************
The sun wakes us up early in the morning. Knowing he shouldn’t stay any longer in my room, he gets up and starts to get dressed. His progress is slow as I pull him to bed once again.
When he is finally dressed and ready to leave he comes back to kiss me one more time.
“Chris… you’ve got to go now, before we get caught on our first day together!” I say giggling. He gives me a devious smile and I toss a pillow at him.
“Okay, okay I’ll really go this time.” He says laughing, he kisses me again and finally leaves, slowly, making sure no one is watching. He almost gets to his room when to his surprise he runs into Ted, who looks at him and then looks at his watch, smiling. Chris looks at Ted startled.
“Coming back at this hour?” Ted says inquisitive. “I bet you hooked up with one of those SNL chicks didn’t you? Chris doesn’t say anything just gives him a knowing smile.
“You handsome bastard.” Ted pats him in the back laughing and walks away as Chris goes into his room relieved.
Chapter 12
The next three weeks we spend putting together what would be our first world tour. The tour is starting with cities across the USA and Canada and later moving on to Europe and Asia. As Susan rightly predicted we were booking the big venues like hockey and basketball stadiums and to our surprise our tickets were selling out in just a couple of hours on the big capitals of America.
