by Carina Lupo
“Did they say what kind of risk we are dealing with?”
“60/40…”
I don’t say anything. We’re both silent for a while.
“And how are you feeling?” I ask him finally.
“I don’t know. It’s a lot to take in. I’m just trying to stay strong and try to support my family through it all. It’s been really tuff on all of us.”
“I can imagine… look, I talked to Susan and after the next concert in Toronto we have four days before New York. I’ll take a plane and meet you for a couple of days after Toronto.”
“That’s a lot of traveling Lori, you don’t have to. You’ll be so tired.”
“It’s okay. Traveling is all we’ve been doing the last few months now, so a little more won’t make any difference. Besides, I want to visit your mom and be with you…”
“That would be really nice. I’m sure she would like to see you. I’ll like to see you too.”
“Okay, good. I better go now. I’m so tired I need to get some sleep.
“Lor?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
I sit on the edge of my bed, silent. “I love you too,” I say finally. Neither of us wants to but we finally hang up.
**************
The next morning, we hop on the tour bus not looking forward to the long haul to Toronto. All I can think about is Chris, his mom and her odds. They were good odds but 40% seems awfully scary too. My thoughts wander to how unfair life can be sometimes. After all, she is a good person. She doesn’t deserve this but deserving has nothing to do with it. No one knows this better than I do! My parents didn’t deserve their fate. My sister, my poor sister, what did she do to deserve such an untimely end? Spend the last years of her life being mom to her younger sister? I started feeling that familiar anger that accompanied me so much throughout my life. Just like that, the all too familiar darkness started to creep back into my soul. I could almost hear it call out, “Hello Lorelai, you didn’t think you could forget about me did you?”
That night at our hotel in Toronto, I start drinking again. I have worked my way through half a bottle of whisky when my phone rings. I see the name on the screen; I pick it up and answer.
“Hi Chris,” I try to sound normal but he knows me too well and doesn’t buy it for a minute.
“You’ve been drinking… Lor, please. Take it easy.”
“I’m fine.” I say dismissively. “How’s your mom?”
“She’s ok I guess, taking it day by day.”
We don’t say anything for a while, both of us silent on the line.
“Maybe I shouldn’t come to visit,” I say at last.
“Why not?” He asks surprised.
“I should stay away. I should stay away from her. I should stay away from you and everyone else for that matter.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Everyone I get near dies. Death just hangs around me…”
“Stop it! Lorelai it’s not your fault that my mom is sick. It’s not your fault your parents died. It’s not your fault your sister died. These horrible things happened to you but you are not to blame!”
I don’t say anything, just break down and start crying.
“This is not like your parents. My mom can fight this, and she is fighting this,” he says. “You’ve been drinking and you’re tired. Please just get some rest and stop letting your mind get the best of you.”
“Okay, I’m sorry. Goodnight.”
Not long after we hang up I hear a knock at my door. I’m in no mood for visitors but I go look through the peephole. It’s James. I take a deep sigh and open the door. He pushes the heavy door open farther, walks straight to the night stand and immediately picks up the half empty bottle of whisky.
“Oh Lori… you stopped drinking like this for quite a while now. What happened?
I don’t answer his question, “Chris called you I take it?”
“Yeah, he was worried about you. He asked me if I could check up on you.”
“I’m fine.”
“Yes I can see that,” he says sarcastically showing me the bottle. “I’ll just hang here with you for a while.” He then takes a sit in the couch by the sitting area, turns on the TV and starts flipping through the channels casually.
Knowing it would be useless to argue I join him. “You didn’t go out partying with Ted tonight?” I ask.
“No, I’m too tired. That guy is a real party animal. I think he still can’t get over all the rock star perks in clubs with the VIP lounges and the free booze. He feels as long as it’s there and free, it would be a sin not to enjoy it but I sure can’t party that much!” he says laughing.
“Well it is pretty fun.”
“Yeah, but before Chris left to be with his mom, you and Chris hadn’t been joining in very much either.”
“My fault mostly. Now that we are seriously dating I can’t stand too much all of those girls throwing themselves at him. I’m not usually the jealous type but geez, give me a break you know?”
James laughs. “I can understand that. Man, especially here in Canada, these Canadian girls… we always get a couple of girls flashing their boobs at us!”
“I know! What’s up with that, eh?” I say as we both crack up.
We watch TV for a while mocking a bad movie that’s on until it gets late and James finally gets up to leave so we can get some sleep.
“Thanks James,” I say earnestly as he walks out.
“You’re welcome.” He gives me a knowing smile and disappears down the hall.
Chapter 14
I arrive at Chris’s parents’ house and I’m exhausted, Chris meets me at the door, gives me a kiss and a hug and then looks into my eyes for a while, almost like he is searching for something.
“What?” I say at last feeling somewhat disconcerted.
“Nothing,” he says dismissively and just shrugs it off. “C’mon in, my mom is in the back on the deck.”
“Hi Linda,” I say when I see her. She looks very frail and thin and just a shadow of the radiant pretty woman I saw last time I was here.
“Hello Lorelai.” She gives me a warm smile and reaches out to me for a hug. “I’m glad you came, but you didn’t have to travel all the way here…”
“Nah it’s no problem, I wanted to come.”
“I’m happy to see you. You look exhausted though.”
“I am! It’s been a long nonstop schedule but I can take it. Before I forget... here are the autographed CD’s you requested to give to the nurses.”
“A whole box?”
“Well, I figured, heck, give them to everyone that’s been helping you. That way they’ll take extra good care of you.”
“I’ll be the most popular patient there,” she says smiling at me.
I take a sit next to her and we chat for a while until she says, “If you don’t mind, I think I’ll go take a nap now. I’m feeling really tired.”
“Go ahead, I’ll probably go do the same,” I smile at her. She tries to get up but is too weak to actually do it. Chris jumps up now and takes her by the arm.
“Mom, let me help you.”
“I’m fine, I can do it,” she says though it’s clear she can’t.
“C’mon… let me just take you upstairs. It’s better this way.” Chris says kindly and she gives in. He picks her up in his arms and carries her upstairs to her bedroom. I just sit there and watch, my heart tightens in my chest until it’s hard to breathe.
**************
Our visit is brief, time seems like it just disappeared. Before we know it is time to go to New York to play the last scheduled shows of the North American leg of the tour.
Our US tour finishes in Boston where we get a couple of good nights of sleep in the hotel and a day off to relax and enjoy ourselves. In the morning a car picks us up at the hotel and drive us to Boston Logan International Airport and we say hello to what would be our new “tour bus”, a fancy, big, private Gulfstream j
et that will be taking us all through Europe and Asia. We go walk through the Airport stopping for autographs and pictures along the way, then we are whisked through security and customs and then directed to the runaway where the jet is waiting for us. The inside of the jet is very spacious, with big comfortable leather seats that can recline into a bed. On one side of the plane, in the back, there is a nice maple table between four seats. It is all very posh impossible not to be amazed by it.
“Oh yeah baby. Now that’s how I like to fly!” Ted says excited as we walk in. James joins him with an impressed whistle. “Nice!”
Our first destination is London and we are stoked. I’ve have never been to Europe before. My parents had been there many times and they would talk about it to me and my sister sometimes. They loved visiting all the different countries in Europe and especially the wine regions of France, of course. They were planning to take us all there on my sister’s next summer vacation but they never got the chance.
Susan and Tom, the replacement guitarist, had joined us on the plane to London as well. Susan was overseeing all the arrangements for the tour in Europe and she wanted to have Tom along since Chris might have to leave again if his mom’s surgery was suddenly scheduled.
Also, joining us now was “Big Bob” a bodyguard that Susan insisted we needed now, no matter how hard I protested. Big Bob was, as his name suggested, a huge man, very strong, bald and dark skinned. You definitely wouldn’t want to get on his wrong side but once you got to know him, he was really nice with a very kind happy smile that made it hard not to like him.
After the long but very comfortable flight, we arrive in London and it’s a typical London weather, cloudy and raining. This does nothing to improve my mood that could also have been described as cloudy with a chance of rain.
With Susan and Tom around, Chris and I had to go back to mostly ignoring each other. I’m acting around him like I would with any of the other guys of the band. Now more than ever, we didn’t want to slip up. We had Susan there, already armed with a back-up guitarist to replace Chris. We wouldn’t dare call her bluff now.
As it often happens, when you’re on tour, we unfortunately never got to see much of London at all. We saw Big Ben and the Buckingham Palace through the windows of our limo on our way to the hotel. That’s almost all the sightseeing we would get to do in London. When we get to our hotel, it becomes obvious why we need Big Bob around. There’s a crowd of fans gathered in front of the hotel and as soon as we leave the car, fans asking for autographs and taking pictures surround us. Big Bob stays mostly by my side, kind of keeping the fans at a little distance as I’m giving autographs and taking pictures. It takes us about twenty minutes to make our way from the limo to the inside of the hotel. Once there, we have just a little time to rest before we get driven to the arena for the sound check before the show.
When the concert is over, the guys decide to go to a hip London night club and check out the local scene. I decide to join them. It was not like I was going to get to spend any time with Chris like I used to do when we were touring the US. So, I might as well go get plastered in a London night club with Big Bob on my tow.
Chapter 15
Next morning it’s back to our jet on our way to our next stop, Paris. Aside from Big Bob, each and every one of us had a huge hangover. Susan had stayed behind to coordinate a few things from the offices of Sony in London and would join us later on. I take my seat on the plane and before it has even taken off I had already fallen asleep.
I’m at the airport now. I’m asking my dad if I can come with them. I don’t want to stay with the nanny, I say to him. “It’s just a couple of days, kiddo, you’ll see you won’t even notice we’re gone,” he says to me, smiling. I turn around to look for my mom but I don’t see her. I look for my dad but he is gone too. I’m scared. I feel the need to run, to stop them but when I try my legs won’t move. I struggle, using all the strength in my body, but that only gets me moving in slow motion. I want to scream but my voice doesn’t come out. I see their plane but even though I use all my strength, I can’t make it. I hear the loud screeching sound of tires on asphalt, then a huge explosion. My ears ring from the impact and I feel the blast of heat that comes from the fireball which now completely consumes the plane. By the side of the runaway I see pieces of luggage and scattered debris. I swear I see my dad’s briefcase charred from the fire. It’s excruciatingly hot. I feel my skin burning. My whole body feels like it’s on fire. It hurts. I start screaming. This time the screams come out loudly from my mouth.
“Lorelai!” I hear Chris yelling and shaking me. I open my eyes and stop screaming. My body is drenched in sweat. I see Chris looking at me worried. Behind him all the other guys are staring at me with frightened looks on their faces.
“It was just a nightmare,” Chris says to me calmly. I feel sick to my stomach… I get up and run to the bathroom to throw up. I wash my face and come out again still feeling shaken from the nightmare. James offers me a glass of water. When I reach for it they can see how much my hands are still shaking. Chris tries to embrace me but I push him away. I curl up in my seat now, my head in my hands and I cry. They respect my wishes to be left alone and take their seats again. The rest of the trip is silent with only the hum of the plane engines between us.
We get to Paris and the car drives us straight to our hotel. There is a crowd starting to gather there too but much smaller than the one we found in London. Unlike London, we would get a free day in Paris, so I decide to get settled and relax in my room first and then go for a walk. As soon as I get to the hotel lobby to go out though, Big Bob starts walking next to me.
I turn to him irritated and say, “Oh, no you don’t.”
“But it’s my job mam.” He reasons.
“Ugh, don’t call me mam. Call me Lorelai. Nothing personal, I don’t want you, or anyone for that matter, with me right now. I’m just going for a walk and I want to be alone.”
He gives me a pleading look. “That scary manager of yours is going fire my ass…”
“I won’t tell her if you don’t. Nothing is going to happen to me ok? Just please, please, give me a break,” I say sincerely to him practically begging. I see him swallow hard, he was with us on the plane this morning and he is having a hard time denying me now.
“Shit…. fine… but if she finds out I’ll say you managed to lose me.”
“Deal! Thanks Big Bob.” I say happily to him and walk away before he changes his mind. He definitely looks like he hates the idea.
I start wandering aimlessly the streets of Paris. It feels very historic, old and amazingly beautiful. For some reason the sense of time is more present in this city than anywhere else I had been so far, the old and new juxtaposing and contrasting one another. As I’m taking in the sights I keep thinking about how much my sister wanted to come to Paris and how much I would’ve have liked to be able to share this moment with my family. Now that I’m finally here, all alone, the city of lights seem awfully dim to me. I pass by a number of churches along my walk. My parents were catholic but ever since their deaths religion didn’t have much of a place in my life anymore. For no apparent reason at all, I walk through an antique carved wooden door, the threshold and metal handles worn by years and years of hand use. I enter the very small church, dark and completely empty. I walk around looking at the artwork along its walls, lost in my thoughts. Without me noticing, a priest comes up behind me and whispers, “Bonjour Madame.”
“Bonjour,” I say back a bit startled.
“American?”
“Yes.”
“You look lost. Do you need any help?” he asks me in very good English.
“I guess you could say I’m lost but it has nothing to do with geography.” He looks surprised with my answer.
“Part of my job description is being a good listener, that’s if you want to talk.”
“There are so many churches in Paris.” I continue. “You walk in them and they are filled with tourists taking pictures.
Does anyone still come in here for the real purpose of the church?”
“Yes, many people still believe in what this stands for. You’re not one of them?”
“I don’t know what I believe anymore, Father.”
“Do you believe in God?”
“If I do, I can’t say I’m in peace with Him. Let’s just say we have a disagreement.” He is quiet prodding me to continue and I do. “He has taken away my entire family and cruelly left me behind, all alone.”
“And you’re angry that they are gone or that you were left behind?”
“Both. Now I often find myself living in limbo. I’m not either here or there.”
“Life is fleeting. We like to think otherwise but we are all here on borrowed time. The thing about limbo is you get to choose where you go next. It’s up to you to start living again.”
“Or not,” I say staring into nothing.
“Yes… but that would be a waste my child. There is much to live for still, if you just open your heart to see it.”
We stay silent for a while. Then I finally say, “thanks’ for the talk.”
“I’ll pray for your peace of mind.”
“Thanks Father,” I answer. I walk out feeling even more conflicted than when I went in.
When I get back to my room at the hotel, I see Chris sitting by my door. “Where were you? I’ve been looking for you,” he immediately says to me.
I don’t say anything, I open the door and we go in.
“I needed to go for a walk. I needed to be alone, sorry.”
“Why are you shutting me out?” He asks a bit exasperated. “It’s been hard enough as it is. I miss you.”
“I know, I’m sorry,” I say to him and I was sorry. He deserved better than what I was giving him lately.
“It’s okay,” he says dismissing the issue and giving me a big warm smile. “We’re in Paris now! City of love…” He takes me in his arms and kisses me hard. When he stops, I look into his eyes and smile.
