In the story you have just read, the boy is portrayed as a “decent” person. He cares for his victim, and is her friend. He rationalizes that it is Melanie who uses him, and he who earnestly likes Melanie. This, however, does not give Gerald the right to behave as he does, which is criminal, even if he is also drunk.
Admittedly, if neither of the principal characters were drunk, there would have been no rape. In this sense, alcohol is a character in The Word for Yes. So is human desire. All of the characters, in some way or another, discuss or demonstrate a struggle to both satisfy and control desire, whether it is a desire to spend money (or not), eat certain foods, or have sex. Coping with desire is part of being human. Coping with desire when one is also drinking or using drugs complicates this issue. Alcohol and drugs both produce a self-sustaining desire for more of the substance, making a person tend not toward satisfaction, but toward greater incapacitation, along with a steady or increasing desire to consume more. This is what makes drugs and alcohol dangerous—the more you have, the more you want. At the same time, the more you consume, the less able you are to control your other desires—whether these are for sex or food or to run naked through the streets. Many young people (and older people) feel that they can control their human desires, even when drunk. This may be partially true, but it is never wholly true for anyone, and it is especially untrue of young people, whose developing brains are not as well-designed for self-control as older people’s.
I believe if you are reading this novel, something like what happened to Melanie has already happened to you, or your best friend, or to someone else you know—perhaps your mother, or your aunt, or a favorite teacher. I can guarantee you that a woman you love and respect has been raped. I guarantee you that a man you respect and love has been in Gerald’s situation. How he may have ultimately behaved is his secret.
Everyone has secrets. Rape is a secret a lot of people share.
There are many reasons girls and women do not report nonstranger rape, especially when alcohol is a factor. This is not an irrational response, since the process a girl needs to go through to press rape charges is very public, and if her memory is vague, this can be problematic. Also, as in Melanie’s situation, friends and family will all be affected by the rape charges. The rape will become the victim’s whole life.
If the criminal justice system is not a good option for many victims of nonstranger rape, what can be done after such a rape occurs? This is a tough question, and many, many feminists and legal experts disagree about how such rapes should be handled. One thing you need to remember is good self-care. Although a rapist should never “get away with it,” the number-one person you need to show care and respect for is yourself. Here are some pieces of advice most experts agree upon:
You must get to a women’s health clinic to receive tests for STDs and a pregnancy test. Ask your best friend, your mom, your aunt, your pediatrician, or your guidance counselor to help you do this. Find someone in your life you trust and who will not judge you. If you can’t think of anyone, be your own best friend and take yourself to the clinic. The people who work at women’s health clinics are your trained allies.
See a therapist who is trained in this area and who works with people your age. People who work with teens will know this area well. They will know all about what happens at parties, at prom, in basements. They will be there for you. If you don’t know who to call in your area, contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673). National hotlines will put you in touch with local specialists.
Do not attempt to confront your attacker in the way Melanie does. Remember, this is a novel. Melanie has weaknesses, and her main weakness is that she thinks she’s a lot tougher than she really is! Although she feels relieved after confronting Gerald, many people would not. Also, in this case, Gerald really has feelings for Melanie, feelings of desire that have been frustrated and become anger. It’s pretty complicated, so you do not want to confront your attacker alone. However, you will want to address this issue of confronting your attacker with your therapist.
Don’t blame yourself. If you were drunk, blame yourself for being drunk, but not for getting raped. Don’t blame yourself for being “a bad victim” and not going to the hospital or the police. As a victim of nonstranger rape, all of your choices are tough. If there were clear “right” choices, everyone would make them.
Get involved. Rape prevention is meaningful work. Nonstranger rape is truly an epidemic. We live in a permissive society. Kids drink and “hook up.” Lots of kids (and adults) don’t have great boundaries. They flirt, kiss, and do other stuff. (By the way, it was like this before the internet, and before they called it hooking up.) But even hookup culture has its rules. People do know right from wrong. Even drunks know when they’re being jerks.
Remember that you have rules for your own behavior and you have boundaries. Be honest and up-front about them. Remember things don’t “happen” at parties, people do things at parties.
Be honest with yourself about your intentions before you go out drinking. Remember that self-care requires honesty. If you’re going out to look for Mr. Adorable, he’s probably not the guy who is downing ten beers. Girls and women are sometimes attracted to guys who appear strong, independent, and unattainable. If he seems unattainable, he probably is. If you hear him talk about other girls or women in a derogatory manner, listen up. If he isn’t nice to his mom, pay attention to that too. You don’t change people or control people by being smart, beautiful, and sexy. The most desirable women in the world get raped. Your good looks, charm, and personality will not protect you or win a guy over, if that guy is only looking for sex. Partying feels like magic, but that’s just the substances talking to your animal brain. Magical things that happen between people happen when you’re sober.
Guys need education (and healing too). Teaching boys and men to not even think about having intercourse with incapacitated girls and women will take time. Men who are drunk cannot use drunkenness as either an excuse for their actions or an opportunity to satisfy sexual desire. If you’re talking to a guy who claims that being drunk is an excuse because guys get overwhelmed by desire and can’t control the impulse, you need to confront this erroneous thinking. There are lots of things people do not do in public even when very drunk. Think about it. If other physical impulses can be controlled, sexual satisfaction can be controlled.
When you go to a party with friends, keep an eye on one another. Melanie’s night goes awry when she wanders off to flirt with James Jamison. Her sister and her friends, who were supposed to keep an eye on one another, failed to do that.
Drugs and alcohol are a fact of youth culture, and American culture in general. But these substances are strong and mind-altering and affect different people differently. If you do choose to drink, think twice about playing drinking games, doing shots, or drinking “punch” or hard liquor in general. Alcohol is fast-acting and potent. If drugs and alcohol play a large part in your social life, and you feel your partying has put you in harm’s way, think about how you can change this behavior. Changing behavior we feel guilt and shame about is hard. It is actually easier to continue to behave in the same guilt- and shame-inducing manner than it is to change your behavior, since changing your behavior and acknowledging the need to change means facing your guilt and shame head on. Remember that changing your behavior means renouncing your actions, not who you are, your friendships, or your entire past. Even if your past contains harm (as everyone’s does), your past also contains a reservoir of experience, strength, and knowledge. There are numerous characters in this book, and they all have a point of view about rape and what it might mean for Melanie and Gerald. I do not believe any character in this book has it all right or all wrong. Certainly, no person in real life can tell anyone else how to feel about something that happened to them. Sometimes, when people are trying to help us, their help hurts. I gave my character Melanie what some people call strong boundaries. She is affected by what other people
say and do, but she is not devastated by criticism or her public humiliation. As my own teenage daughter likes to say, embarrassment does not have to hurt. Melanie knows this intuitively, and it helps her move on. Other people, however, are sometimes very sensitive to the opinions of others, and may have more difficulty moving forward than Melanie does.
Another issue that is only touched on in this book is the role of social media in sexual assault. Social media as a forum for the sexual exploitation of girls and women is a relatively new phenomenon, and so adults tend to react with great alarm when gossip becomes “viral” and includes images. The idea that there is a public record of our most shameful, hurtful moments in life is, naturally, devastating. The upside is that this sort of thing, posting nude or drunk pictures, tagging girls as “hoes,” has become so common that it is almost normative. Essentially, if everyone is a hoe, no one is a hoe.
We are all somewhat mysterious, even to ourselves, and that makes it hard to be a human being, and to really know ourselves and to really know others, but this deep sense of self is also what makes us resilient and helps us recover from shattering life events. Whoever you are, you are deep and dark and full of wonder. You cannot be fully exposed to anyone, even if you have been victimized. You are safe within yourself. At the end of The Word for Yes, Melanie’s dad jokingly calls her “the boss.” Melanie is bossy and mean sometimes. This is her biggest flaw. However, seeing herself as the boss of her own life, even when she makes multiple mistakes, is what gives her the power to heal herself and forgive herself for putting herself in harm’s way.
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About the Author
PHOTO BY LANNY SCHWARTZ
CLAIRE NEEDELL is a middle school teacher at a public school in New York City. She is the author of Nothing Real Volumes 1–3, short story collections published digitally under the Epic Reads Impulse imprint. Claire also writes for the New York Times.
www.claireneedell.com
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Books by Claire Needell
Nothing Real, Volume 1
Nothing Real, Volume 2
Nothing Real, Volume 3
Available as ebooks only
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Cover art © 2016 by DKNG Studios
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HarperTeen is an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.
THE WORD FOR YES. Copyright © 2016 by Claire Needell. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
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Library of Congress Control Number: 2015940712
ISBN 978-0-06-236049-6 (trade bdg.)
EPub Edition © January 2016 ISBN 9780062360519
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