"Keep a lookout for Massha and the King," I instructed. "If you see them, be sure Rodrick wears this. It'll make his trip through the palace a lot easier."
"But where are you going?"
I gave him a tight smile.
"To see the Mob representatives. Queen Hemlock has graciously told me how to deal with them!"
Chapter Ten
"Superior firepower is an invaluable tool when entering into negotiations."
-G. PATTON
THE Mob representatives had been housed in one of the less frequented corners of the palace. In theory, this kept them far from the hub of activity while Badaxe and I figured out what to do with them. In fact, it meant that now that I was ready to face them, I had an awfully long walk to reach my destination.
By the time I reached the proper door, I was so winded I wasn't sure I'd have enough breath to announce my presence. Still, on my walk I had worked up a bit of a mad against the Mob. I mean, who did they think they were, popping up and disrupting my life this way? Besides, I was too unnerved by Queen Hemlock to try anything against her, which left the Mob as the only target for my frustration.
With that in mind, I drew a deep breath and knocked on the door.
I needn't have worried about announcing myself. Between the second and third knocks, the door opened a crack. My third knock hit the door before I could stop it, but the door remained unmoved by the impact.
"Hey, Shai-ster! It's the King!"
"Well, let him in, you idiot!" The door opened wide, revealing one of Shai-ster's massive bodyguards, then a little wider to allow me entry space past him.
"Come in, come in. your Majesty," the Mob's spokesman said, hurrying forward to greet me. "Have a drink . .. Dummy! Get the King something to drink!"
This last was addressed to the second hulking muscleman who heaved himself off the bed he had been sprawled upon. With self-conscious dignity he picked up the end of the bed one-handed, set it down again, then picked up the mattress and extracted a small, flat bottle from under it.
I wondered briefly if this was what Big Julie meant when he referred to the Mob tradition of "going to the mattresses." Somehow the phrase had always brought another image to mind … something involving women. Accepting the flask from his bodyguard, Shai-ster opened the top and offered it to me, smiling all the while.
"Am I correct in assuming that your Majesty's visit indicates news of the whereabouts of his court magician? Perhaps even an estimated time as to when he is expected back?"
I accepted the flask, covertly checking the locations of the bodyguards before I answered. One was leaning against the door, while the other stood by the bed. "Actually, I can do better than that. The Great Skeeve…" I closed my eyes and dropped my disguise spell.
"…is here." The bodyguards started visibly at my transformation, but Shai-ster remained unmoved except for a narrowing of the eyes and a tightening of his smile.
"I see. That simplifies things a bit. Boys, give the Great Skeeve here a chair. We have some business to discuss."
His tone was not pleasant, nor were the bodyguards smiling as they started for me.
Remember how Rupert jumped me so easily? Well, he took me by surprise, and had three hundred years plus of magical practice to boot. Somehow, I was not particularly surprised by the bodyguards' action … in fact, I had been expecting it and had been gathering my powers for just this moment.
With a theatric wave of my hand and a much more important focusing of my mental energies, I picked the two men up and spun them in midair. Heck, I wasn't adverse to stealing a new idea for how to use levitation… even from Rupert. I did like a little originality in my work, though, so instead of bouncing them on their heads, I slammed them against the ceiling and held them pinned there.
"No, thanks," I said as casually as I could, "I'd rather stand."
Shai-ster looked at his helpless protectors, then shot a hard stare at me.
"Perhaps this won't be as simple as I thought," he admitted. "Say, you've got a unicorn, don't you?"
"That's right," I confirmed, surprised by the sudden change in topic.
"I don't suppose you'd be particularly scared if you woke up in the morning and found him in your bed… not all of him, just his head?"
"Scared? No, not particularly. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'd be mad enough to quit playing games and get down to serious revenge."
The Mob spokesman sighed heavily.
"Well, that's that. If we can't make a deal, we'll just have to do this the hard way. You can let the boys down now. We'll be heading back in the morning."
This time, it was my turn to smile.
"Not so fast. Who said I didn't want to make a deal?" For the first time since I met him, Shai-ster's poise was shaken.
"But… I thought… if you can …"
"Don't assume, Shai-ster. It's a bad habit for businessmen to get into. I just don't like to get pushed around, that's all. Now then, as you said earlier, I believe we have some business to discuss."
The spokesman shot a nervous glance at the ceiling.
"Um… could you let the boys down first? It's a bit distracting."
"Sure."
I closed my eyes and released the spell. Mind you, unlike the disguise spell, I don't have to close my eyes to remove a levitation spell. I just didn't want to see the results. .
The room shook as two loud crashes echoed each other. I distinctly heard the bed assume a foolproof disguise as kindling.
I carefully opened an eye.
One bodyguard was unconscious. The other rolled about, groaning weakly.
"They're down," I said, needlessly.
Shai-ster ignored me.
"Big bad bodyguards! Wait'll the Big Boys hear how good dumb muscle is against magik!"
He paused to kick the groaner in the side.
"Groan quieter! Mister Skeeve and I have some talking to do."
Having already completed one adventure after antagonizing the military arm of a large organization, I was not overly eager to add another entire group of plug-uglies to my growing list of enemies.
"Nothing personal," I called to the bodyguard who was still conscious. "Here! Have a drink."
I levitated the flask over to him, and he caught it with a weak moan I chose to interpret as "thanks."
"You said something about a deal?" Shai-ster said, turning to me again.
"Right. Now, if my appraisal of the situation is correct, the Mob wants three things: Big Julie's army back, me dead or working for them, and a crack at the new money coming into Possiltum after the wedding."
The Mob spokesman cocked his head to one side.
"That's a bit more blunt than I would have put it, but you appear to have captured the essential spirit of my clients' wishes. My compliments on your concise summation."
"Here's another concise summation to go with it. Hands off Big Julie and his crew; he's under my protection. By the same token, Possiltum is my territory. Stay away from it or it will cost you more than you'll get. As to my services, I have no wish to become a Mob employee. I would consider an occasional assignment as an outside contractor for a specific fee, but full-time employment is out.''
The Mob spokesman was back in his element, face stony and impassive.
"That doesn't sound like much of a deal."
"It doesn't?"
I reviewed the terms quickly in my mind.
"Oh! Excuse me. There is one other important part of my offer I neglected to mention. I don't expect your employers to give up their objectives without any return at all. What I have in mind is a swap: an army and maybe a kingdom for an opportunity to exploit an entire world."
Shai-ster raised his eyebrows.
"You're going to give us the world? Just like that? Lord Magician, I suspect you're not bargaining with a full deck."
"I didn't say I would give you the world, I said I would give you access to a world. Brand new territory full of businesses and people to exploit; one of the richest in the
universe."
The spokesman frowned.
"Another world? And I'm supposed to take your word as to how rich it is and that you can give us access?"
"It would be nice, but even in my most naive moments I wouldn't expect you to accept a blind bid like that. No, I'm ready to give you a brief tour of the proposed world so that you can judge for yourself."
"Wait-a minute," Shai-ster said, holding up his hands. "This is so far beyond my negotiating parameters that-even if I liked what I saw, I couldn't approve the deal. I need to bring one of the Big Boys in on this decision."
This was better than I had hoped. By the time he could bring one of the Mob's hierarchy to Possiltum, I could deal with some of my other problems.
"Fine. Go and fetch him. I'll hold the deal until your return."
The spokesman gave one of his tight-lipped smiles.
"No need to wait," he said. "My immediate superior is on call specifically for emergencies such as this."
Before I could frame a reply, he opened the front of his belt-buckle and began rubbing it, all the while mumbling under his breath.
There was a quick flash of light, and an old, hairyjowled man appeared in the room. Looking round, he spied the two bodyguards sprawled on the floor and gripped the sides of his face with his open hands in an exaggerated expression of horror.
"Mercy!" he wheezed in a voice so hoarse I could barely understand him. "Shai-ster, you bad boy. If there was trouble, you should have called me sooner. Oh, those poor, poor boys."
The Mob spokesman's face was once again blank and impassive as he addressed me.
"Skeeve, Lord Magician of Possiltum, let me introduce Don Bruce, the Mob's fairy godfather."
Chapter Eleven
"Tell you what. Let me sweeten the deal a bit for you…"
-BEELZEBUB
"OH! This is simply marvelous! Who would have ever thought… another dimension, you say?"
"That's right," I said off-handedly. "It's called Deva."
Of course, I was quite in agreement with Don Bruce. The Bazaar on Deva was really something, and every time I visited it, I was impressed anew. It was an incredible tangle of tents and displays stretching as far as the eye could see in every direction, crammed full of enough magikal devices and beings to defy anyone's imagination and sanity. It was the main crossroads of trade for the dimensions. Anything worth trading money or credits for was here.
This time, however, I was the senior member of the expedition. As much as I wanted to rubberneck and explore, it was more important to pretend to be bored and worldly… or other-worldly as the case might be.
Don Bruce led the parade, as wide-eyed as a farm-kid in his first big city, with Shai-ster, myself, and the two bodyguards trailing along behind. The bodyguards seemed more interested in crowding close to me than in protecting their superiors, but then again, they had just had some bad experiences with magik.
"The people here all look kinda strange," one of them muttered to me. "You know, like foreigners."
"They are foreigners … or rather you are," I said. "You're on their turf, and a long way from home. These are Deveels."
"Devils?" the man responded, looking a little wildeyed. "You're tellin' me we're surrounded by devils?"
While it was reassuring to me to see the Mob's bullyboys terrified by something I had grown used to, it also occurred to me that if they were too scared, it might ruin the deal I was trying to set up.
"Look … say, what is your name, anyway?"
"Guido," the man confided, "and this here's my cousin Nunzio."
"Well look, Guido. Don't be thrown by these jokers. Look at them. They're storekeepers like storekeepers anywhere. Just because they look funny doesn't mean they don't scare like anybody else."
"I suppose you're right. Say, I meant to thank you for the drink back there at the castle."
"Don't mention it," I waved. "It was the least I could do after bouncing you off the ceiling. Incidentally, there was nothing personal in that. I wasn't trying to make you two look bad, I was trying to make myself look good … if you see the difference."
Guide's brow furrowed slightly.
"I … think so. Yeah! I get it. Well, it worked. You looked real good. I wouldn't want to cross you, and neither would Nunzio. In fact, if we can ever do you a favor… you know, bend someone a little for you… well, just let us know."
"Hey, what's that?"
I looked in the direction Don Bruce was pointing. A booth was filled with short painted sticks, all floating in midair.
"I think he's selling magic wands," I guessed. "Oh! I want one. Now, don't go anywhere without me."
The bodyguards hesitated for a moment, then followed as Don Bruce plunged into negotiations with the booth's proprietor, who gaped a bit at his new customer.
"Does he always dress like that?" I asked Shai-ster.
"You know, all in light purple?"
The Mob spokesman raised an eyebrow at me. "Do you always dress in green when you travel to other dimensions?"
Just to be on the safe side, I had donned another disguise before accompanying this crew to Deva. It occurred to me that if I were successful in my negotiations, it wouldn't be wise to be known at the Bazaar as the one who introduced organized crime to the dimension.
Unfortunately, this had dawned on me just as we were preparing to make our departure, so I hadn't had much time to choose someone to disguise myself as. Any of my friends were out, as were Massha, Quigley, Garkin … in desperation I settled on Rupert … I mean, there was one being I owed a bad turn or two. Consequently, I was currently parading around the Bazaar as a scaly green Pervert… excuse me, Pervect.
"I have my reasons," I dodged loftily.
"Well, so has Don Bruce," Shai-ster scowled. "Now if you don't mind, I've got a few questions about this place. If we try to move in here, won't language be a problem? I can't understand anything these freaks are saying."
"Take a look," I instructed, pointing.
Don Bruce and the Deveel proprietor were haggling earnestly, obviously having no difficulty understanding each other, however much they disagreed.
"No Deveel worth his salt is going to let a little thing like language stand in the way of a sale."
"Hey, everybody! Look what I got!"
We turned to find Don Bruce bearing down on us, proudly waving a small rod the same color as his clothes.
"It's a magic wand!" he exclaimed. "I got it for a song."
"A song plus some gold, I'd wager," Shai-ster observed dryly. "What does it do?"
"What does it do?" Don Bruce grinned. "Watch this."
He swept the wand across the air with a grand gesture, and a cloud of shiny dust sparkled to the ground.
"That's it?" Shai-ster grimaced.
Don Bruce frowned at the wand.
"That's funny. When the guy back there did it, he got a rainbow."
He pointed the wand at the ground and shook it… and three blades materialized out of thin air, lancing into the dust at our feet.
"Careful!" Shai-ster warned, hopping back out of range. "You'd better read the instructions on that thing."
"I don't need instructions," Don Bruce insisted. "I'm a fairy godfather. I know what I'm doing."
As he spoke, he gestured emphatically with the wand, and a jet of flame narrowly missed one of the bodyguards.
"… But this can wait," Don Bruce concluded, tucking the wand into his waistband. "We've got business to discuss."
"Yes. We were just…" Shai-ster began. "Shuddup! I'm talking to Skeeve here." The force behind Don Bruce's sudden admonishment, combined with the Shai-ster's quick obedience, made me hastily revise my opinion of the Mob leader. Strange or not, he was a force to be recognized.
"Now then, Mister Skeeve, what's the police situation around here?" "There aren't any." Shai-ster's eyebrows shot up.
"Then how do they enforce the laws?" he asked, forgetting himself.
"As far as I can tell, there are no laws either.
" "How 'bout that, Shai-ster?" Don Bruce laughed.
"No police, no laws, no lawyers. You'd be in trouble if you were born here.''
I started to ask what a lawyer was, but the godfather saved me from my own ignorance by plunging into the next question.
"How about politicians?"
"None."
"Unions?"
"None."
"Bookies?"
"Lots," I admitted. "This is the gambling capital of the dimensions. As near as I can tell, though, they all operate independently. There's no central organization."
Don Bruce rubbed his hands together gleefully. "You listening to this, Shai-ster? This is some world Mister Skeeve is givin' us here."
"He's not giving it to us," Shai-ster corrected. "He's offering access to it."
"That's right," I said quickly. "Exploiting it is up to your organization. Now, if you don't think your boys can handle it. …"
"We can handle it. A layout like this? It's a piece of cake."
Guido and Nunzio exchanged nervous glances, but held their silence as Don Bruce continued.
"Now if I understand this right, what you want in return for letting us into this territory is that we lay off Big June and Possiltum. Right?"
I count real good up to three.
"And me," I added. "No 'getting even with the guy who thrashed our army plans,' no 'join the Mob or die' pressure. I'm an independent operator and happy to stay that way."
"Sure, sure," Don Bruce waved. "Now that we've seen how you operate, no reason we can't eat out of the same bowl. If anything, we owe you a favor for opening up a new area to our organization."
Somehow, that worried me.
"Um… tell you what. I don't want any credit for this… inside the Mob or outside. Right now, nobody but us knows I had a hand in this. Let's keep it that way, okay?"
"If that's what you want," Don Bruce shrugged.
"I'll just tell the Big Boys you're too rough for us to tangle with, and that's why we're going to leave you alone. Any time our paths cross, we go ahead with your approval or we back off. Okay?"
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