by S. E. Hall
Even if the intoxicating smell of lilac, her favorite shampoo, or the imminent spike of adrenaline in my veins wasn’t missing, I’d still know instantly it wasn’t her joining me. Because she never comes to me.
And I’ve all but convinced myself that I’m done always going to her. Let her feisty, red-headed ass fight with herself for a change. It’s not like I can get a word in edgewise when she’s fired up anyway.
I’ve wandered quite a ways down the shore, so how the hell did anyone find me?
“Cause you’re huge, kinda hard to miss, and I’m all cunning and shit, some may even say catlike.” Laney answers my apparently spoken question with a snicker and clawing motion with her hands.
“What are you doing here? I figured you’d still be busy kicking Sawyer’s ass.”
“Nah, he apologized, to everyone except Blaze that is. And there was some serious bribery involved. Saw will be indebted to Skylar on favors and gifts for a long time to come. And we all know Sky will take full advantage.”
“Good, he owes it to her. Same as me. I’ll catch up with her later and make it right.”
“He does, and I know you will. I’m not worried about it and Sky’s fine. But at least I understand what’s bothering Saw, as over the top as he is about expressing it. What I don’t understand, is what’s going on with you. And a certain beautiful redhead whom I love just as much.” Her brows rise up to her hairline, head cocked.
“Laney.” I blow out a frustrated breath through my nose and tilt my head back to stare at the sky, hoping the clouds will all get together and spell out the answers for me. “It’s already been such a long day, and we still have the bachelor and bachelorette parties tonight, how ’bout we not?”
“Neither one of us are the bachelor or bachelorette, so the show will go on without us even if we’re a little late. So how bout’ we do?”
If I didn’t love her, her persistency would drive me nuts.
“You’re stalling,” she sing-songs. “Talk.”
“I wouldn’t even know where to start.”
“Try the beginning.”
Maybe I should. It’s been far too long since Laney and I have had one of our good ole’ heart to hearts, and if there’s anyone who’ll give it to me straight, concern for hurt feelings or what I want to hear be damned, it’s Laney Jo Kendrick.
More than once over the years, one of my own no-holds-barred speeches has brought her down off her high-horse, and she’s always seemed to appreciate and benefit from it, so perhaps it’s time I signed on for a big dose of my own tough-love therapy.
I take a deep breath and drop my head to now gaze out at the sea—the clouds having failed me—but still not sure what it is I’m looking for. “The beginning is the part that’s gonna piss you off the worst, Laney. It’ll hurt people too, a lot of people, and I don’t wanna do that.”
“So instead, you’ll just go on hurting, alone? No solution in sight? If you care enough about everyone else to sacrifice your own feelings to protect theirs, is it reasonable to think that just maybe, we all care enough about you to understand?”
She does raise a valid point.
“I get what you’re saying, and I appreciate it.” I throw my arm around her shoulders and tug her against my side. “But some things, well, a man just doesn’t tell. Sorry.”
“And, you just told me.” She smirks.
I feel my brows fold in. “What? I didn’t tell you anything.”
“Ah,” she holds up a finger, “but you did. I know you guys, honorable, respectful, the whole gentleman’s code. So when you say there’s some things a man won’t tell, I know the one thing you really mean.”
“Laney,” I grumble, sweating from the inside out, because I did, in fact, just tell her. An innocent slip of the tongue, not considering how savvy this girl is at reading between the lines… but told her nonetheless.
Bennett. Will. Never. Forgive. Me.
Fuck!
“Hey, calm down.” She rubs my shoulder. “It’s not your fault I’m so darn clever. Quit worrying, my God, I can feel the panic pouring off of you. You really didn’t tell me, you did nothing wrong. Seriously Zach,” she laughs, “did you really think no one suspected you and Bennett have slept together before? Besides, it’s no one’s business. You’re both single, adults, and great choices on either of your parts. What’s the big deal?”
“Yeah.” I look away, but not too quick, striving for casualty. “I guess you’re right.”
“Of course I am. But I still don’t know why you two were fighting? I mean, I could venture a few guesses, you were pretty clear calling her out on not giving things a chance and some things being meant to be. So, I’m assuming, and correct me if I’m wrong, but you want something serious and Bennett doesn’t?”
Elbows propped on my knees, I drop my head in my hands. “Something like that.”
“Well, and don’t get mad, shoot straight, right?” She asks and I nod. “Maybe she’s as confused as you are. You have enjoyed the company of many a woman who I don’t think spent the night at your house to catch a ride to church in the morning. And you damn sure found out whether or not Tia still has her tonsils, right in front of Ben. And the rest of us. Thank you for that by the way.”
“I scrounged up the fucking maid at the last minute so I wouldn’t look like a tool, sitting there by myself while she was with Shane!”
“And she only agreed to go if you’d dry hump her in front of all of us?” How she literally tells you that you’re full of shit in a calm, steady voice, not even saying the actual words, I’ll never know.
“I was mad! Bennett needs to make up her damn mind! I was trying to give her a wake-up call!” Now I’m yelling… at the wrong person. “When Bennett needs something, I’m the one she calls. When she’s hurt, I take care of her! I’ll be damned if pretty boy Baseball swoops in and I sit back and do nothing!”
“You mentioned that before, the other night, how you’ve taken care of her before. When?”
“Remember that time when she got really sick and just swore it was Swine flu, even though that hysteria had died out long before?”
“Yeah.” She catches herself on one hand, about to fall off the log laughing so hard. “Her hypochondriac obsession with the Swine flu was hilarious. I kept waiting,” she tries to catch her breath, “for her to give up trying to convince us that’s what it was and start looking up symptoms of Bubonic plague or Typhoid fever on Google instead.”
“I stayed with her every day, and night. And on one of my many medicine runs, more meds on the list she gave me that didn’t exist than did, I remember stopping in the middle of the aisle and thinking, ‘I bet it feels as good to have someone take care of you like this as it does to take care of them.’ I must’ve looked like a crazy person, or a stoner, just standing there, in a daze. Wondering if she was at home, lying in bed, maybe, just maybe, thinking the same thing about me.”
I hear Laney sniffle and wish I hadn’t turned to look at her. Huge tears glide down her cheeks untamed and my guts knot up. Making Laney cry wasn’t my intention and is almost more than I can take.
“That’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard said, by anyone. Let alone a phenomenal human being, about another one just as spectacular.” She whimpers, swiping her thumbs under both eyes. “It’s one of those things, moments, that’ll stick with ya forever. One day along the road, when events and dates are fuzzy, I’ll still remember exactly where I was, what I was wearing and how I felt when I heard you say it.”
“When’d you turn into such a softie? Hard-ass Laney’s nothing but a pile of goo on the inside. Who knew?” I grin, lightening the mood.
“You’re the one who said it, Romeo. Anyway, go on,” she sits up straighter, hanging on the edge of her log for more tales of my woes. If she had a tail, it’d be wagging right now.
“What else is there to say? I lifted her in and out of the tub a dozen times, dressed her, tucked her into bed. Then I’d slide in beside her and
hold her close, making sure her body temp never got too hot or too cold. Watched those damn Twilight movies so many times I could probably quote them,” I shudder at the memory. “She was on to some marathon about One Tree on a Hill when she got rear-ended that time and was in bed with a stiff neck for a week. It was a little better, at least all the characters were human. Oh!” I snap my fingers, my first real smile since this conversation started. “When she had Lasik done, I got to pick what we watched since she couldn’t see. Whole Band of Brothers box set, baby!”
“I didn’t realize… you really are always there for her.” Laney’s voice is faint, and she’s talking to herself, not me.
“So many nights I held her, after Tate died. Everyone was devastated, just trying to get themselves going, you taking care of Dane. But I took care of Bennett, and it makes me a bastard, I know, but something shifted. I’d lie awake and memorize how she felt in my arms, her soft skin and its sweet scent, the way she’d run her foot up and down my leg when she was dreaming. I knew it was wrong, thinking certain things, but I just couldn’t help it. She was so small, and fragile, and it felt so damn good taking care of her. Knowing she needed me and I could be there for her.” I glance at Laney, expecting to see the disgust I deserve, but all I find is watery eyes and a sad smile, so I go on.
“I’ve escorted her to eleven Crew functions where she got all dressed up. Eight of those times, she pulled up her hair and then turned her perfect, milky white back to me and asked me to zip her up. Four of those times, I got every dance of the night with her, and she’d stand on my feet. Have you ever noticed how damn short she is?”
She gives a tiny laugh. “She is pretty darn short. And you, always good at math.” She shakes her head in disbelief, it is a bit strange I remember all those details. And for another minute, I think she’s totally zoned out, staring at me, but not seeing me… lost in thought. Then her eyes come back to life. “Zach, do you, love Bennett?” She asks so soft and solemn, I think she fears my answer as much as I do.
“Very much, but maybe not exactly like you’re thinking. Or maybe so.” I groan, shoving my hands back through my hair. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her, and of anyone I can spend time with, my choice is always her. But I don’t think the kind of love I want can exist without total reciprocation. My definition of love requires it not only be returned, but be frenzied, all-consuming and incomparable. And it’s not. So I’d have to say, I’m more enamored, invested, fascinated. And I’ve waited too damn long for what’s starting to seem impossible to settle for anything less than everything. But I could love her. God, could I love her.”
She’s silent, so I lean forward to see her face, again lined with the tracks of tears.
“Laney, don’t cry. I’m fine. And Ben and I aren’t really fighting. We’re fine, always will be. I promise. And I also promise, I’ll always take care of her. No matter what.”
“You’re so wonderful, what the hell is wrong with her?” Oh no, not the reaction I wanted, and certainly don’t need. “So, you guys sleep together, get jealous of each other, but she won’t commit to you? I’m going to talk to her right now!”
She’s on her feet, fire blazing in her eyes, when I grab her elbow to stop her.
“You’ve got it all wrong. We don’t sleep together, Laney. Well, we do, but we don’t have sex. That only happened once, a long time ago.”
“When?”
“I just told you, a long time ago.”
“How long?”
“Laney, just stop. I’ve already told you more than I should have, and you getting involved or grilling Bennett won’t help anything. If you care about me, you’ll accept my thank you for letting me vent and drop it. For good.”
“Okay,” she wisps out, avoiding eye-contact, so I can’t say she’s lying straight to my face. But she’s lying.
She thinks it’s with the best of intentions and will only be helping, absolving herself of any guilt.
She’s so fucking wrong, and I could kick my own ass for falling right into her trap of female trickery to solicit information. It was the damn tears, works every time!
I take her chin between my thumb and forefinger and force her to look at me. “I love you, Laney. I love that you care about me, and Ben, so much. But I am begging you. Don’t. Help. You don’t know what you’re dealing with on this one. You’ll do more damage than good, trust me.”
Green to hazel, our eyes battle in a stand-off, and I see, clear as fucking day… I’ve got to beat her to Bennett.
It Too Reads Mama
I love my niece Skylar, and had I ever been fortunate enough to have a wedding of my own. Yes, I would’ve wanted it to be the grand palooza that put all other paloozas to shame.
But damn, how much longer can this thing possibly last? No one’s even married yet and I feel like we’ve been on this island for a month!
Probably shouldn’t have gotten here a week early with Whitley. My bad. But a vacation in paradise was too good to pass up.
Now that I’ve had a chance to cool down and really think about what Zach said, in front of everyone—still not too pleased about that part—all I want to do is go track him down and talk about it privately.
If Zach and I are broken, nothing else works. That’ll be it, I will officially give up this farce of survival, I’ve been pulling off for years made only possible with his help. Zach is my constant, my ‘it’s not so bad, cause he’s here!’ I don’t have to do things alone or force myself through the company of another horrid first date, because Zach will do whatever it is with me. And he’ll make it fun. Exemplary. By no means a cardboard cut-out stand in. I enjoy my time with him.
But as much as I want to, I can’t go to him right now, because I have yet another ‘wedding pre-game that lasts forever’ event: the bachelorette sleepover.
And if it’s important to Skylar, it’s important to me. Plus, my presence gives it at least a prayer of being cool. As opposed to the lame as hell it sounds to be on the surface.
“Aunt B is in, let the cool begin!” I announce as I throw open the door with my hands, both holding bottles of champagne, in the air.
“Yay! Come in, come in.” Whitley rushes over to me, grabbing the bottles of bubbly. “You can go next to get your hair done!”
“I can what?” I reach up and pat my hair, pretty sure it’s already on point.
Laney grunts and I look over at her primped, if that’s what we’re calling it and bend over laughing. Oh shit, totally worth it. When I can talk again, I just have to poke at her. “Nice pigtails, there Rodeo Rosie. You remember to tie up your horse and give him some water?”
“Shut your hole,” she growls at me, rolling her eyes in frustration. “Only for my daughter. Now come sit by me.” She has that conspiratorial glimmer in her eyes, patting the couch beside her. “Wanna talk to you.”
“No wait! Me first!” Sky jumps up and down, clapping. “Where’s…?” She looks around the room, taking inventory. “Where’s Macie?”
Bet I can guess. I’m tempted to raise my hand and yell ‘pick me, pick me’ but I think we’ve had enough shocking discoveries and/or mishaps for one wedding trip.
“I’ll go find her,” I insist, quick-stepping it to the door. “I forgot my uh, saddle.” I grin at Laney.” Be right back.”
I shimmy down the breezeway that connects all the condos and cut through the middle path, hoping to pull this off caper without anyone seeing me. Do these kids know how lucky they are to have me? They all better hope like hell their parents never get a wild hair and strap me to a polygraph or we’ll all be screwed.
I don’t know which room Macie’s in, so I head straight for his. “Oh, Jefferson,” I sing-song as I knock on the door. “Come out, come out, wherever you are! But get dressed first!”
As predicted, there’s a shuffle of bodies and feet, and... Macie needs to work on her whispering, before the door opens a crack. JT’s head pokes out, complete with sex-hair and swollen lips—good luck hiding that hickey
on your neck by the way—and gives me his best innocent smile. “Hey, Aunt Bennett. I was, uh, just getting ready to go meet the guys for the party.”
My frown and crossed arms ask him for me, but I say it anyway. “Have you ever felt like you need to lie to me?”
“No ma’am.” His head droops.
“You use protection?”
“B!” Now he looks at me, his head shooting up, embarrassment flaming up his neck and face. When I ask again, with one arched brow, he nods.
“Good. Now get your ass to the party before we have yet another controversy at this wedding. You’re her brother and that’s her friend, Skylar will not go easy on you! And you, missy.” I push the door open wider and peek around JT thankfully in boxers, to find Macie scrambling into her clothes like the air burns her naked skin. “Let’s go! Don’t worry, no one will notice your hair, but try to tone down the sex glow thing you got going on.”
“B—” JT starts, but I hold up a hand to stop him.
“Nope, never speaking of it again. Not mad at you, still love you, and I know nothing. Got me?”
“Got you.” He grins. Macie awkwardly tries to slide past him through the door but he latches onto her arm, leaning in for a kiss.
“No! None of that!” I pull her away from the horndog. “Hurry up JT, go! You, sex kitten, move your ass!”
The poor girl can hardly manage one foot in front of the other as she walks beside me. And the way she’s biting her nails has got to hurt. “Hey.” I stop and grab her by the shoulder. “I’m not judging you, okay? I just don’t want Skylar to have to deal with any more bombshells, okay?”
“Y-yes,” she stammers. “I just, it just—”
“Oh, I’m well aware it happened.” I laugh though strained. “Happened when I was your age too. Now, clear it out of your mind, do not get drunk and let it slip, and...” I tap my chin, contemplating. “Say you got your curling iron stuck in your hair and I had to help you. Trust me.” I eye her ‘fucked do’ warily. “They’ll buy it.”
