by Anne Leigh
“I just happened to have it,” I replied, carefully drizzling the crepe with the orange marmalade I whipped up just before she woke up. She didn’t need to know that I bought her drink every other week when I was in the grocery store. And before they’d go bad, I gave them to Rosita, the lady who came in to clean my house every day.
In a playful command, I called out, “Milady, come get your breakfast.”
Holding her plate in one hand, her eyes twinkled at the sight of my breakfast masterpiece. After I filled both of our plates with the crepes – mine without the orange sauce, she turned her head toward me, “Thank you.”
Since my hands were filled with the plates, I leaned down and pressed a kiss to the middle of her forehead, mumbling, “Let’s chow.”
Breakfast consisted of chatter about our respective jobs. She’d recently been promoted as the lead compliance officer for JJ Infrastructure and Environment Consulting. Her eyes lit up when she talked about the new projects she was leading. I couldn’t be more proud of her. She was standing on her own two feet, succeeding in an industry led by men, and she looked extremely happy about it. As I listened to her, I begun to notice the subtle changes in her – her spark was back, her smile stretched wider, and her voice held optimism and hope.
This was what I’d been dreading. A truth that I was coming to realize, a fact I could never accept; she was living her life…and she was doing great without me.
My life had many highlights. The day I was born the world was introduced to one awesome, attractive male specimen. My mom and her friends showered me with more than enough affection and constant praise that could make any guy’s ego grow to the size of Saturn. I had no trouble keeping female companionship. A grin from me could saturate a woman’s underthings. Yeah, I’m a chill guy, but I also know how to perform. In and out of bed. My relationship with Nalee was the first of its kind. I haven’t had a woman I could call my girlfriend before her. I’ve never asked a woman to move in with me except her. And I never needed a woman as much as I needed her.
“Thank you for breakfast and for the wonderful company.” Her hazel eyes shone bright, matching the rays of the beaming sun peeking through the blinds.
“The pleasure is all mine.” I held back from telling her not to get up from her chair, prepare for her day, and leave the house. As the cold orange juice hit the back of my throat, I stopped myself from telling her what I’ve been thinking the whole time she’d been sleeping – that I was hoping she’d give us another chance, that every night before I went to sleep, her text messages, no matter how rude and angry they were, were what kept me going to live another day, and that I’m not a praying guy, but I’ve prayed so many times for her to come back to me.
“Can you drop me off at the restaurant so I can pick up my car?” She was now wearing her clothes from last night after taking a quick shower. She used the guest bathroom, not our bathroom. I’d already taken a shower before I even started cooking, and loaded the dirty dishes in the dishwasher while she showered.
“Sure. Are you sure you’re not gonna be late? I can just drop you off at your work, pick you up later, and pick up your car after work.” I’d given the valet guy an extra hundred bucks to keep her car overnight, otherwise it would’ve been towed.
She lifted her gaze from her phone. “I called Stephanie to let her know I’m coming in late. I’ll just work a few extra tonight.”
Nodding my head, I said, “Sorry I made you late.”
With a swift shake of her head, her lips curved into a smile. “No, don’t be. It doesn’t happen too often.” A pregnant pause passed and before we reached the front door, she wrapped her warm hands across my chest, the act completely surprising me, and said, “I’ll bring my car tonight so I won’t be late tomorrow.”
“You’re staying with me tonight?” I couldn’t hide the exhilaration, the relief, the unexplainable excitement that spread through me. Last night wasn’t a blip on our conversation this morning, our past wasn’t even brought up while she ate breakfast, and up until a minute ago, I was sure that she wasn’t going to call me for a few days or weeks until she felt that it was the right time.
“Why? You have other plans for tonight?” Her delicate brows lifted to her hairline.
Bringing her lips to my mouth, still lingering with the scent and taste of fresh mint toothpaste, I answered, “No. None at all. My schedule’s clear for you.” Always. Forever if you’d have me.
“Alrighty.” Against my lips, she murmured, “I don’t know what I’m doing, Xavier. I don’t know where we’re going. But I’m tired. I’m so tired of running away from you...”
Caressing her back, I let her lean on my chest. My suit might be crinkled again, but I had a few reserves at the office. “You don’t have to do anything, Nales. This time let me take the lead.”
A deep-seated sigh left her lips as she tilted her head up at me, and in a wistful voice, she said, “Okay.”
Okay was good. I’d take okay anytime of the day. For months I’d been chasing her, trying to wear down her defenses, plotting on how to get her back. Now here she was, letting me back in, and I found myself at a loss for words or thoughts or plans.
I knew one thing for sure – there was no turning back this time. I was playing for keeps. More than a billion women on this planet. Only one woman for me. I broke her heart a few times. Made her build walls around me, against me. Yet here she was, standing strong, moving on without me. I’ve fucked up quite a few times. I don’t know if I’ll ever get her back the way she was.
We’d kept the pregnancy to ourselves. No one in her inner circle knew, not even our best friends. Part of it was because she wanted time to adjust to the fact that she was pregnant. A large chunk of it was because she was ashamed of how things were going downhill for us.
During the most difficult time in her life, I’d left her alone to deal with the storm until she got lost in the tornado of resentment, anger, and disbelief.
I’d never get that time back with her.
But I sure as hell would be cherishing the slip of a chance she was giving me.
“I love you, Nalee,” I whispered in her ear when she leaned in before she got out of the car to get into hers.
Granting me a small nod, a tiny smile appeared on her face. “I’ll see you tonight.”
She’d said I love you to me countless times. When I woke up, it was the first thing she’d say. Win or lose in Lacrosse, she’d paint her nails and toes with I love Xavier while Hello Kitty occupied the other nine digits. It was the last thing she’d say to me at night.
The last time I heard her say those words was when she was in between the state of wakefulness and sleep at the hospital.
It wasn’t for me.
She’d said, “Saranghae, Serafina.”
It was for our daughter, our little angel that I never got the chance to hold.
The past two and a half weeks were a chain of happy days. Since that night, I slept over at Xavier’s place. I hadn’t seen much of my own apartment.
We spent the nights frolicking in bed and the days texting each other. He was in and out of so many meetings so he’d text me whenever he got out. Two days ago, he surprised me at my office with pre-packaged lunches from my favorite Italian restaurant, Amadeo’s. We ate in ten minutes and the last forty was spent on the lounge chair, with half of our clothes on. One of the advantages of my promotion was that I now had an office. The view was an alley and a garbage dump, but it was better than being in a cubicle in a noisy room.
I had to answer a call during our cuddle-time. Xavier loved to cuddle, and since I didn’t want to leave his teddy bear warmth, I placed the call on speaker. It was Gregory, one of our head engineers. I was working with him on his latest project to ensure that it was compliant with government regulations and there was minimal or no harm to the environment.
Xavier was quiet during the call as Gregory listed what he needed from me. I was going to hang up on him, thinking he was done, when he’d ins
erted a question, “How about dinner, Nalee?”
That earned a quizzical look from Xavier’s green eyes and I tried to change the subject to neutral ground. “I’ll have what you need in two hours, Gregory.” I’d already compiled the EPA’s stance on wind technology and I only needed to add a few more so Gregory would have everything he needed.
“Tomorrow night?” Gregory asked, his tone implying that he wanted more than the reports he’d requested. He’d been asking me out for two months now. The first time was after I’d completed a project with him.
Xavier’s hand clamped on my thigh, refusing to let me move. Since my skirt was halfway down after he’d finished me off with his tongue, I felt his rough hold, and if I had sensitive skin, they’d be making marks right now.
“I can’t. I’m sorry.” I was trying my best to hold off the growing anticipation in my voice as Xavier’s hands sneaked toward my butt. As much as he loved my breasts, he also spent a lot of time getting to know my butt with his touch.
“Why? Are you off the market now?” Gregory intoned. I could hear him tapping on his keyboard. Even in meetings, Gregory was always typing; his hands always had to be in motion.
Xavier whispered in my ear, “Are you?” His voice held an uneasy edge.
Rolling my eyes, I firmly said, “Gregory, thank you for the invite, but I’m not looking for anything right now.” Peering at Xavier’s disheveled state, the off white dress shirt he wore under his suit was all wrinkled, his tie was twisted to the side, and he’d lost a button or two because I couldn’t control myself from wanting his skin against mine and as soon as he started thrusting inside of me, everything else was forgotten. Sex had never been one of our problems. We’d burned the sheets and incinerated every surface of his house with how passionate we were for each other. Hoping to get Gregory off my back and have Xavier keep his cool, I added, “Ask Jasmine from the Tech Department, I heard she likes engineers.”
Jasmine was a sweet lady who sat in on two of our meetings and twice I’d caught her eyeing Gregory like a kabob on a stick. I’m pretty sure she’d welcome his advances, and since the firm really had no rules about fraternizing with employees unless they were your direct supervisor, I didn’t foresee any problems with my obvious attempt at matchmaking.
“Are you pawning me off to someone else?” Gregory laughed on the line.
Touching my hand to Xavier’s right arm which was now draped across my chest, I sighed, “I am.”
“Message received. See you at 2:30.” There was a low chuckle and a goodbye before Xavier and I were alone again in my tiny office. Xavier’s office was ten times bigger than mine and he’d been hinting that he wanted his naughty sex-setary back. I’d played that role for him one too many times. While I’d love to reprise the role, I wasn’t ready to face his real secretary who’s been a witness to the many office ambushes and slaps I’d given Xavier. Maybe one of these days I’d surprise him, but I’d be wearing my camouflage outfit to hide my face from her.
Xavier continued to hold me up against his half-naked torso and I wanted to stay in his embrace for the longest time. I never thought we’d be in this position after all that we’d been through.
I was done fighting. But I was also done trying. I didn’t even know where this was going to lead us because as much as I welcomed him back into my arms, I’d distanced myself from all the feelings I had for him. I’d cried many sleepless nights and gone through bouts of anxiety and depression from the loss of him, and her. Especially her. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to stand again, and when I left our house, I knew a part of me wouldn’t ever be the same.
So why was I here with him?
Because I was spent, I’d ran out of gas, and I’d completely emptied my tank to keep warding him off. He’d sabotaged every single one of my dates and every single time he showed up, he’d slowly become my source of entertainment. Oh, he grated on my nerves and made me upset at a few of his gimmicks, but I’d started looking forward to his reactions when I stormed into his office the day after those dates with other guys. While I’d have liked to scream in his ears right after those dates, I was too tired to even contemplate what I was going to say to him so I’d gather all my energy, drink my probiotic juice, and stop by his office before going to work or during a long break. Seeing him was both torture and treat. Torture because physically he was the guy I’d stacked the guys I’d dated against. Treat because even in the most unusual and not-recommended-for-kids ways, he always gave me a hug or a kiss or both.
Then Xavier had asked, “What floor does that Gregory guy work on?”
I’d warned him to not even think about it or he’ll be spending two nights without me in his bed, and he’d remained quiet, passive, innocent as a choir boy, and that look wasn’t fooling me so I had to make him swear on his Peter Pan PJ’s that he wasn’t going to do anything about Gregory.
Gregory wasn’t a threat. Never had been, never would be.
My phone beeped with an incoming message, cutting off my daydream, which I’d been caught in a lot lately, bringing me back to the present.
Xavier: Why can’t I go with you?
He’s been asking non-stop since I’d told him about my weekend plans.
Me: Coz it’s for ladies only.
Xavier: I can wear a wig.
Me: Lol. No u can’t.
Xavier: I did once.
Me: Spare me the details.
Xavier: Halloween. Junior year. I was Cher.
Me: LOL
Xavier: John was Madonna.
Me: That’s just wrong.
Xavier: So, can I go with you?
Me: If you bring the guys.
Xavier: Z will be okay with it. He’s attached to Sedona’s leg. John will prolly be okay with it, too.
Me: Don’t blame me if the girls get upset at you.
Xavier: They won’t. So, where are you going?
Hmm, he was trying to fish for information. I bet Zander and John had no clue where we’re going to be at either. My girlfriends specifically asked for girl time so there was no way I was spilling the beans.
Me: Somewhere.
Xavier: Please?
Me: Not getting it from me.
Xavier: Can I still call you?
Me: When we’re not out. You know Sedona wants some alone time with us. It’s been a while since we had a ladies’ only weekend.
Xavier: I’ll call you.
Me: Okay.
Xavier: I’ll miss you.
Me: Okay.
Xavier: Love you Nales.
Me: I’ll text you.
Xavier: Be safe.
Me: Say hi to Zander, John, and Dom for me. Have fun.
Xavier: Say hi to Witchy Witch and Geeky Nurse for me.
He called Tanya Witchy Witch because according to Xavier, Tanya withheld sex from John, one of Xavier’s best friends, when she didn’t get her way, thus earning her the title of a witch. Sedona was Geeky Nurse because she graduated with the highest honors during her Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees and was now on her way to becoming the youngest candidate for a PhD in the newest field of nursing and sports science. To top it all off, she was a mother to two gorgeous kids and wife to the most popular and record-setting quarterback in the country.
I missed my best friends. They were the ones who kept me sane in college, and even if we’re separated by distance, we maintained close contact with each other via text messages, e-mails, and bi-weekly video chats. Lately it was hard to maintain the video chats because of our time differences. Sedona was based primarily in Minnesota, Tanya was now in New York, and by the time we’d get around to the actual video chat time we were all so tired. We’d say hi, hello, love you, and then off to bed we went.
I hadn’t had the chance to tell them that Xavier and I were sort of seeing each other again. When we’d broken up, I’d actually flown to New York to cry on Tanya’s shoulders and all I’d said was that he’d broken my heart. Sedona was on a well-deserved after baby-moon with Zander in
Barbados and she had wanted to cut her vacation short, but I’d told her I was fine. Both of them were really upset at Xavier and they’d assumed he cheated on me. They never knew the real story. My best friends - my kindred sisters - didn’t know what had happened between Xavier and I. I’d borne this secret, harbored the pain for so long, masked my own fears that I didn’t know where to start.
In order for them to understand why I left Xavier and why he’s back in my life, I’d have to tell them the truth, all the details needed to be out in the open. A slashing pain at the core of my heart inflamed the wound I’d been trying to cover up. I wasn’t one to cower down in fear. I always faced my demons. But I hid the ache of her loss so well that neither Tanya or Sedona ever questioned what really happened.
Putting the ballpoint pen down on my desk, I opened the drawer to my left and took out the 5 x 7 4-D ultrasound photo of her a week before I lost her. It was the only tangible remembrance I had of her. She’d looked so tiny. My little pea.
My hands shook as I touched the center of the picture, unable to decipher what body parts were showing, but I recognized what was supposed to be a head and her little body. I barely remembered holding her, cradled securely in the pink sheet that the nurse had wrapped her in. People said miscarriages could have lasting psychological effects on women and I think that’s true. There was a marked disparity between the woman I was before I had her and the woman I was after her.
My little angel was forever in my heart. But I didn’t miscarry her. She just came into this world too soon and left just as soon.
I loved Xavier unconditionally. Irrevocably. From the depths of my soul to the beat of my heart, he’d owned every piece of me. He was my world.
Until the day a tiny being occupied a space inside of me, learning the walls of my heart from the inside out, she’d become a part of me in every possible way.
She was also a part of him. But he’d refused to acknowledge her.
When he’d said he had loved her, I wanted to believe him. So much. But I couldn’t…not after what he had done to me and to her.
