by Anne Leigh
Zander formed a fist with his left hand and bumped my shoulder with it, saying, without any judgment in his voice, “I’m sorry to hear that.”
Dom took a long swig of his beer and said, “We’re here for you.”
John, finally unclamping his tightly balled fists, uttered, “You fucked up big time, bro. But I’m glad you’re owning up to it, trying to fix things. Nalee’s a good woman. Women like her are hard to find nowadays.”
“I know that now.” It was late in the game, but at least I knew.
“Is she moving back in?” Zander asked, his eyes flickered to the video monitor screen where we could see Nicholas sleeping quietly in the wooden crib I’d asked Claire to buy and deliver the same day. Claire was probably thinking I’d adopted a new baby or two today. The good thing about her was that she never asked why, she’d just bought the stuff without question, using my personal credit card account.
“I don’t know yet,” I replied, feeling slightly relieved that all of them knew about what happened. “She’s been sleeping over for the past two weeks. I’m hoping eventually she will. At least before I propose.”
Dom’s eyes bulged out of the sockets. “Does she know that you’re going to propose?”
John slapped the back of Dom’s head, the loud thud indicating that Dom’s shiny head would have a big handprint by tomorrow.
“What the fuck was that for?” Dom glowered at John.
“You gotta stop being punched in the head. It decreases your IQ by 100% each time.” John shook his head, reasoning out, “If Nalee knew that Xavier was going to propose, don’t you think my woman would have ‘shared’ that secret with me by now?” He’d even used air quotes to emphasize a good point – that his woman, Tanya, couldn’t keep a secret.
“Fuck off,” Dom said as he raised his middle finger John’s way.
Zander intervened, “Children...”
“Oh shut up, Daddy-O!” John muttered. “If your children weren’t cute, I’d be pissed off at you right now for ruining our guys’ weekend.”
“Are you serious?” Zander questioned, looking slightly offended. “I’m ruining our weekend?”
Dom reacted, “Z, we love your babies. But damn, why did you have to bring both of them? What are you trying to prove? That you’re Father Of The Year? You even said that your mom and dad would’ve been happy to babysit for you for a few days…”
Now that the topic was not me, my lungs expanded as I breathed out. True brothers, that’s who they were to me.
“Yeah,” John said, agreeing with Dom. “Shit, Z. Is this one of your crazy bets with your wife again?”
“What bet?” Zander was looking slightly green. It was kind of funny because sportscasters usually called him “Nerves of Steel” in the last two minutes of the 4th quarter. Z had never shown any signs of nervousness even if his team was down by a touchdown and a field goal.
Dom’s muttered under his breath, “Great, just great. Spill it, Z. What the hell is your bet against Sedona?”
“Shit,” Z said, he stared at his babies on the screen and huffed, “Sedona said I wouldn’t last two days with the kids. By myself.”
“What?” I was making him pay for all the baby shit I bought for Sofia and Nicholas. The freaking carseats were made with integrated steel bars and absorbing tethers, and according to Claire, they were the most expensive brands on the market. I might have gone overboard since they were only visiting for a few days, but I was purchasing them for my goddaughter and her brother so no expenses were spared. This new revelation changed things though.
“I wanted to prove to her that I could,” Zander sighed, his jaw slackening. “I’m sorry I brought them with me. I know you guys wanted kid-free time... Sedona might have started the bet, but I also missed my kids. Football season’s been long. I don’t get to see them as much even though we try our best. I feel like Sofia’s growing so fast and Nicholas is right on her tail. My wife sacrifices a lot for me. When I’m on the road, she has both of them all the time while she’s trying to make a career for herself and pursue her dreams. Two or three days of her spending time with her girlfriends is the least I can do. Sure my mom and dad or Sedona’s dad will willingly get them off our hands anytime, but I really just wanna spend time with my kids, too.”
Dom started, “Man, we understand...It’s cool. I like Nic more than Sofia though. Sofia looks like she wants to cry whenever she sees me.”
John guffawed, “Because you have no fucking hair!”
Dom pushed John’s chair with his left hand with John almost falling off. John retaliated by splashing beer across Dom’s shirt.
Who said the only children in the house were sleeping?
An hour later, we found ourselves in the pool, a deflated plastic balloon wrapped around Dom’s shoulders, Zander soaked in his jeans, and John spraying everyone in the eyes with a orange and white Nerf water gun everytime we tried to get out of the pool.
This was life.
You get down, but as long as you keep good company, you’ll find yourself back on your feet, swimming, breathing, making each moment count.
I’d looked at the screen of my phone for the tenth time, her smiling face on my screen, and continued to stare. I remembered exactly when I took this picture. She’d just come home from a two-week trip to the Congo. She’d looked so tired riding down the escalator to the baggage claim, but when she saw me waiting for her, her eyes shone brighter than the Harry Winston diamond necklace I’d given her for her birthday. I’d grabbed my camera phone and took a snap right there and then.
Glancing at the clock on the wall, I decided to just go with it. There was only a two-hour time difference between San Francisco and Mexico.
Her phone rang and rang until finally, after the fifth ring, her sleep-muddled voice echoed in the line, “Xavier?”
“Hey, Nales. Were you sleeping?” What a stupid question. Of course she was. It’s two a.m. there.
I heard the rustling of sheets and after clearing her throat, she said, “Yeah…”
“Sorry. Go back to sleep,” I quickly muttered my apology, not even half meaning it. I just wanted to hear her voice. I missed her in our bed. It’s only been eighteen hours, but it felt like eighteen months.
How did I ever survive without her? I didn’t.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, her words coming in clearer now. The closing of a glass window reverbated in the background. Maybe she was stepping outside.
“I just wanna talk,” I replied, placing my right hand behind my head. My neck had been feeling tight all day. It was a tightness that not even the best massage therapists could relieve. Nalee loved to get massages and many times she’d brought me with her for couple’s massages. While I appreciated the way they kneaded and applied pressure on my trigger points, the best hands still belonged to Nalee. She knew just how to touch me. I’d often fall asleep with her hands on my shoulders or her fingers by my forehead.
The sound of her light breathing brought comfort to my insides. She didn’t have to say anything, just her being on the phone was enough for me to breathe through the night.
“Are you tired?” I questioned, straightening myself on the king-sized bed which felt thrice as empty because she wasn’t there.
A long silence ensued before she replied, “A bit. I actually fell asleep a couple of hours earlier…I guess I’m just drained.”
“Do you have to get up early tomorrow? I mean today?” Maybe they had things planned for the day. Whenever they got together, the ladies enjoyed fun outdoorsy, nature-filled adventures.
With Nalee’s love for the outdoors, I’d taken her on a one-week trip to Venezuela and we had spent the whole day watching the giant stream of water cascading down the mountains of Auyantepui. It had been one of the happiest days of our relationship, and as we trekked the river trail to get the full spectacular view of the eight natural wonders of the world, she’d whispered in my ear and proclaimed her love for me. It was a day I’d never forget because even wit
h the amazing, almost spiritual scenery around us, the look in her eyes eclipsed everything else.
Her throaty answer broke my drift into the past. “No. Tanya said we’d have a late start today.”
“Ah, okay.” I rubbed my free hand across my eyes, feeling the weariness taking over me. Describing today as draining would be the understatement of the year. Energy-sucking, a vortex of emotional turmoil among all of our friends would be more like it. “How did they take your news?”
The gentle sounds of the waves from a distance echoed on the phone. Zander had revealed that the girls were hanging out in Puerto Vallarta. I’d never been there so I checked it out online right after a pizza, beer, and a whole lotta wings dinner with the guys.
Images of the endless light blue waters and the carefree greenery abundant in the area made me wanna ditch my foul-smelling friends. You’d never know how much gas a guy can hold until you’ve met Dom and heard his ass rip through a metal chair. And John could actually compete with him after eating three tubs of buffalo wings dipped in cheese and barbecue sauce. The disgusted expression on Zander’s face as the guys held a “Whose fart is louder?” contest said it all – we missed the clean, sweet-smelling scent of our ladies.
Nalee’s soft reply brought me back to the present, “They were extremely upset that I didn’t tell them… But mostly, they were sad for me. For us. Tanya wished that she was with me to get through it all. Sedona had said she would’ve dropped everything to be with me.”
I clenched my jaw to the point of pain, grinding my teeth together. I should have been there for her from the beginning. To the middle. Through everything. I could only imagine the struggles she went through. I’d seen it firsthand. When Sedona was pregnant with their baby, Zander got up every time her face turned white, ready to soothe her, hold her in his arms.
Instead I’d been a stupid, a selfish Grade A asshole who left her to deal alone with what was supposed to be ours together. The highs, the lows, the joys, the pain. But ours nonetheless.
“I’m sorry, Nalee. So friggin’ sorry.” It came out dragging, hoarse, unforgivingly late. “I should have been there for you.”
“I explained to both of them that I just needed time to grasp the reality, the responsibility, of something that could change our lives forever.” She continued as if she didn’t hear me. “They’re my soul sisters. I hid it from them because I wanted to be selfish. I just wanted it to be me and her for a while because I knew the moment we told them the news, she would be shared with everyone else. I should’ve told them…should’ve, could’ve, would’ve. But we don’t get to have all the ‘haves’ in our lives. We get dealt with the cards and we play with them as best as we can, hoping that we don’t get the raw end, the shortest stick.”
Nalee’s unwavering strength was something I’d always admired. She tried to make the best out of every situation. Even when I’d ignored her efforts to make me accept our situation, she’d worked and worked at me, hoping I’d bend. But even the sturdiest trunks can get damaged and my indifference poisoned our relationship, slowly infesting it with venom until she could no longer stand and finally broke apart.
“I’ll spend my life asking you for forgiveness, Nales,” I promised, praying to an unnamed being that one day she’d find room for me in her heart once again.
Her non-response made me sit up on the bed. I couldn’t even hear her breathing on the other end so I asked, “Nales?”
A stretch of two minutes must have passed before finally, she said, “I’m here.”
“Okay.” I wanted her to tell me she forgave me. I wanted her to reassure me that one day she’ll love me again the same way she used to.
I wanted her to say ‘yes’ when I asked her to be my wife. I wanted her…just her.
“I’m gonna get some sleep,” her words sliced through my heart, leaving me reeling with unease, and all my hopes slowly coming to a halt.
“Nales?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.” I honestly, truly did.
I heard her swallow, then she uttered, “I forgave you, Xavier. I’d forgiven you a long time ago otherwise I wouldn’t be doing this with you.”
I should have felt relief with her answer, but how was it that I was far from relieved? It almost sounded as if she’d just settled with me, that she’d given up hope about me, and us.
“Will you…” My wall of self-preservation was chipping away in the aimless wind, “trust me again? That I’ll be there for you? Always?” There. I said it. It’s only been two weeks. Two weeks that we’d been back together, but I needed to know if she’d give me another chance. A true opportunity to mend the tear, glue the break I’d created between us.
“Can we just see where this goes?” The short, clipped question made me think she was really tired.
“Okay,” I replied, a fireball of hope burgeoning inside my chest. “Get some sleep.”
“Bye.”
I held onto the phone long after she hung up. The more I thought about it, the more I started to question her reply. Was she thinking that we’re not going to last? What does ‘see where this goes’ mean? Did it mean that she was just going along for the ride and not caring about where we’re headed? Did she even see a future with me?
So many questions left unanswered. I couldn’t blame her for questioning my motives. After all when she gave me her all, I handed it all back to her and left her empty-handed.
She’d played all her cards with me and came out in a bust. It was my time to leave it all on the table for her. This time I wasn’t playing to win or to lose. I wasn’t even playing for keeps because playing with her would be the ultimate insult.
I was holding on to the rope of hope, the sliver of a chance that she was giving me so she’ll learn to share everything with me, trust me, love me again.
For always.
“You’ll do great, Nalee,” My former boss, Stephanie Delacorte, said reassuringly while pushing the button on the elevator.
When she’d hired me two years ago, I was fresh out of college. The East Coast company I had been planning on working with right after graduation had declared bankruptcy so I was at a complete loss. I’d sent my resume to more than a dozen companies, both private and public, and had received at least five job offers. Stephanie, then chief compliance officer, had given me the shortest interview out of all of them, and asked me three questions. I remembered sitting in front of her in her colder than the frozen Arctic room, skimming over my resume, and with an indifferent look, she’d fired up with the interrogation.
First, she’d inquired, “What makes you different from the other candidates?”
My reply was, “I don’t know them. I just know what I’m capable of. I’m hardworking, self-sufficient, and will stay overnight for a project if needed.”
A slight tilt of her blonde eyebrows was her response.
Second she’d asked, “What’s your biggest weakness?” to which I’d said, “Animals, trees, and Mother Nature who suffer because of our actions.”
And before she asked the last question, she’d risen up on her toes before saying, “What scares you, Miss Sands?”
I thought about her question for a second and then fired back, “Winning.”
“Winning?” Her expression was quizzical and she’d momentarily stopped flipping through my portfolio. “Why is that?”
“I’d be scared at winning at everything. All my life I’ve struggled and my struggles have taught me strength. When I do something, I don’t want to think of it as winning because winning would mean that I’m always competing, always fighting, never getting satisfied. Ms. Delacorte, if you hire me for your company, I will do my best to be the best that I can be. I promise you that you won’t be at the losing end. I’ll be the voice of the creatures who don’t have the voice, I’ll be the best researcher on your team, a team player, a loyal worker. But know this, I’m not doing it to compete with anyone else. I’ll be doing it because I want to make a difference, a dent in the gra
nd scheme of things. I’ll be doing it because it brings me unparalleled peace.”
Her bewildered glance took me aback and I thought she was going to laugh at me. Instead, she’d held out her right hand and gave me a firm shake, “Renee will call you later after she verifies your references. How does working for me sound, Miss Sands?”
So here we were. The grand scheme of things. My first presentation as an executive member of the team. I’d gone to these meetings many many times and presented just as much, but today was the day I was carrying on with my new title. Boss lady of the environmental research division.
Thanking Stephanie for opening the magnetized glass doors, I sat on the swivel chair at the edge of the conference table, closest to the wide projection screen and started pulling up my files on the computer.
Breathing in, I gave my former boss, Stephanie, a wide smile. She was now the head Project Manager and was the one who recommended me for this position. We’ve had our differences and I’d doled out many discussions with her on certain projects, but we had a mutual respect for each other. Under her guidance, I’d grown in my profession and I wasn’t stingy in showing her my appreciation, especially during the holidays. She loved shopping at the fancy places such as Net-a-Porter and Bloomingdale’s, so I often gifted her with generous gift certificates. She valued my stance on issues and during my most difficult times she’d given me reprieve by extending my leave of absence with her approval.
Three tall, dark-haired men in their standard form of attire – power suits – entered the room. Standing in my three-inch black heels, I adjusted the back of my fitted skirt before greeting them.
“Devon Wahler at your service,” the guy with the darkest blue eyes I’ve ever seen stated. His strong jaw and regal nose made me think of the man who graced those perfume commercials. Dripping with confidence, he reached his hand out and shook mine.
Wow. Firm, firm grip.
