by Jewel E. Ann
Claire laughs. “I’m sure you’re missing a lot, so you’ll have to be more specific.”
“Cut the crap. You’re dying to say whatever it is that has you so pissed off. Is this about Lautner being with me instead of you?”
She glares at me and I know I’ve hit a nerve, but she makes a quick recovery and a smirk plays across her face.
“Don’t flatter yourself. You’re not getting anything I haven’t had. The difference is you’re leaving and I’m staying.”
What is she talking about? My stomach rolls and the ache in the back of my throat is compounded by the weighted feeling in my chest. I don’t know how to respond. Am I upset with her for those biting words or Lautner for not sharing this piece of information? Do I even know what she’s saying or am I jumping to the wrong conclusion?
God, I feel dizzy.
“What are you saying?” I press my lips together, avoiding eye contact.
“Oh dear. He didn’t tell you, did he? Well, shame on me for letting the cat out of the bag.”
I risk a glance. She’s waving her hand dismissively in the air.
“I’d love to stay and share all the details, but I have more important things to do.” Her head flips back as she reaches for the doorknob, giving me one last smirk. “Pleasure knowing you.”
Staring at my phone, the urge to call Avery is overwhelming. Why do I feel like I just walked in on Lautner screwing some girl? Wrapping my brain around the idea of Lautner and Claire together is nauseating. He didn’t cheat on me. This had to have happened before me, but it still cuts. Why did I feel like the intruder when she walked in here without knocking? With four days left, why does it matter?
I don’t call Avery. This is something I can handle on my own. Technically, he never lied to me. There is no need to mention my visit with Dr. Brown. Lautner is twenty-seven, of course he has a history. I do too. Everything will be fine. There is no reason why I shouldn’t be able to get through these next few days without mentioning today’s incident.
Remembering the condoms in the bedroom, I put them back in the drawer. Six condoms, so what? Maybe they weren’t with the same person. Oh God! No, I don’t like to think of Lautner as the guy who sleeps around. It’s better to think that he used them with the same girl. Fuck! No, that’s no good either. That would seem like a relationship. Did he love her too? Maybe he loved her more.
“Sydney! Just let it go. Yeah, that’s better. Talking to myself again like a freakin’ crazy woman.”
Stuck in Lautner’s apartment by myself is not good. I notice a plastic storage container on the floor in the corner of the closet, so I tug it out and open the lid. It’s filled with photos, trophies and his folded football jerseys both from high school and college. I slip on his Stanford jersey which swims on me. Pulling the front of it up to my nose, I smell it.
“Sweat, blood, and dirt.”
I jump and my heart nearly stops. Lautner is standing in the doorway. I feel like a total snoop. He’s caught me looking through his private things, overstepping all boundaries by miles.
“Shit, you scared me. I’m … just … God, I’m sorry. I was bored and curious and—”
He shakes his head and walks over to me. I’m fumbling to pull his jersey off. Taking it from me, he offers his other hand. I look at it for a second and take it. He pulls me to my feet.
“Take your clothes off,” he demands.
I knit my brows. “Huh?”
“You heard me.” His voice is deep but not angry.
The tangle of emotions running around in my head has arrested my ability to reason.
I remove my clothes leaving only my panties on. His head turns from side to side. “Keep going.”
I sigh and roll my eyes, but remove my panties. He slips the jersey back on over me. It hangs nearly to my knees.
His tented shorts don’t go unnoticed by me.
“Yes, I’m happy to see you.” He grins and leans down taking my mouth prisoner. I hum in satisfaction while his tongue explores familiar territory. His hands cup my face and he pulls away, leaving me dazed and breathless. “That jersey has scored a lot of points, but tonight it’s going to see me break a few new records. Let’s eat.”
Another smack on my ass before he walks to the kitchen. I’m reeling with confusion, desire, excitement, and some residual embarrassment from getting caught. Jealously, however, seems to be the emotion that is winning. I visualize Claire in this jersey sprawled out on his bed, quizzing him for a test, while his hands and mouth touch her the way he has touched me.
Closing my eyes, I try to shake the images from my head. The smell of pizza infiltrates my nose as I walk to the kitchen. Lautner grabs two beers from the refrigerator as I lift the lid to the pizza box.
“Oh my God. You. Are. The. Best! I love taco pizza.”
He sets the beers down on the counter and pulls me into his chest. “And I love you in my jersey … only my jersey.” His cold hands from the beer slide up under his jersey and firmly grip my bare ass.
Sure buddy, was this your MO with Claire too?
“Dr. Sullivan, you are one kinky bastard.”
His hands slide from my ass to just under my legs, and with an effortless tug, I’m lifted up. My bare sex rubs against the bulge in his shorts.
“You drive me crazy. I have to plead insanity around you.” He bites my lower lip and drags it through his teeth with a low growl. Setting me back on my feet, he looks down and his lips curl into his signature sexy and oh-so-cocky grin.
My whole body flushes with embarrassment as I see what he’s looking at. The wet spot on his shorts from me.
“I may never wash these shorts again.”
My eyes shoot to his as I stand with my legs crossed, fingers fiddling with my hair. “You really know how to embarrass me.”
He hands me the beers and grabs the pizza box, plates, and forks. “You shouldn’t be embarrassed. You’re sexy as hell, Syd and—”
There’s a knock at the door. Lautner sets everything down on the coffee table by the sofa. I quickly sit down hoping the back of the couch will hide me from the front door. The jersey covers everything, but there’s no question that I’m naked underneath it.
“Hey, Sully. Claire got called to the hospital. Just opened this bottle of Zinfandel, wanna hang out for a while?”
“Actually—”
“Mmm … do I smell pizza?”
I turn toward the voice behind me. The wavy-haired blonde with large breasts, short shorts, and a tube top exposing her navel decorated with a rose tattoo stops behind the couch. I stand and face her large brown eyes inspecting every inch of me.
“Oh … I didn’t realize you had company.”
Lautner is still standing by the door holding it open. “Yes, I have company.” He sounds irritated but his polite smile doesn’t show it.
She crosses her arms over her chest shoving her cleavage up closer to her chin. “Well, aren’t you going to introduce us?”
I pin Lautner to the door with my narrow-eyed stare. He glances upward and blows out an exasperated breath that rattles his lips. “Rose, Sydney, Sydney, Rose.”
“Oh, so you’re Sydney?” She openly stares at me. “Interesting.” Her mouth twists to the side.
I can see how she and Dr. Brown are friends. Has she been with Lautner too?
“So you’re Rose? I’ve heard so much about you,” I say with a fake smile and extra flutter to my eye lashes.
“You have?” she asks with a high-pitched enthusiasm to her voice—chin up, shoulders back, chest out.
“Yes, Lautner just said he hoped Claire and Rose would keep to themselves tonight while he fucked me on the couch, kitchen counter, the hallway wall and, of course, tied to his bed.”
Rose audibly gasps, hand covering her mouth, wide eyes darting back and forth between me and Lautner. The muscles in his jaw tick, lips quivering to hold back his grin. She turns and clicks her heels out the door.
“Rose wait—” Lautner calls, but s
he holds up her hand behind her and huffs off to the stairs.
Lautner closes the door and leans back against it with his arms folded over his chest. I tip my beer up and turn my back to him.
“You do realize after you’re gone I’m going to have to deal with two very pissed off neighbors upstairs.”
I shrug. “I’m sure you’ll find a way to smooth things over with them.”
He sits down beside me and runs his finger along my bare leg.
“You’d better also realize I’m a man of my word. So if I said I am going to ‘fuck you on the couch, kitchen counter, hallway wall, and my favorite … tied to my bed…’” he looks at his watch “…then I’d better get started.”
The patience and self-control I fought for after Claire left was teetering on the edge when Lautner came home. Now it’s been blown to oblivion. The one-two Claire-Rose punch knocked me down, but I’m back up and angry as hell.
“Not happening. I’m going for a run.” I stand and walk to the bedroom.
“Wait …” He’s right behind me. “Are you upset?”
Tossing clothes everywhere, I find a pair of shorts and a sports bra. “I’m just going for a run.” Tossing his jersey aside, I slip into my clothes without one peek in his direction.
“Now? You’re going for a run … now?”
Finding matching socks, I shove my feet into my shoes and tighten the laces. “No, I’m going in the morning. I just thought I’d sleep in this. Yes! I’m going for a run NOW! Jeez, Dr. Sullivan, thought you were smarter than that.”
He’s blocking the door, but I try to squeeze around him. Before I can get past he shoves me to the wall, gripping my arms.
“What the fuck is wrong with you? You’re blindsiding me with this attitude and I have no idea what the hell I did?”
I shove at his chest, but he doesn’t budge. “Blindsiding? Wow, that’s rich.” I fight again to wriggle out of his grasp, but my attempts are futile.
“What are you talking about?” The creases in his forehead continue to deepen.
My eyes widen as my head juts forward. “Dr. Bitch and now Rose the hussy roommate?”
He shakes his head and releases me. “God, Syd, I’m too damn tired to play this stupid game of Charades with you, just tell me what you’re so pissed about.” With a deep sigh, he runs his hands through his hair and leans back against the opposite hallway wall.
I cross my arms over my chest. “Why didn’t you tell me you and Claire were together?”
He bites his upper lip and rolls his eyes to the ceiling. “We weren’t together, it was one fucking night a year ago after we went out with some friends. We both drank too much and … it was just a stupid mistake. That’s all.”
He looks at me. “How do you even know about it?”
I tilt my head to the side and smirk. “Claire told me when she came in here earlier. With. Her. Key!”
Lautner lets his head drop back against the wall, eyes closed, hands lace behind his neck. “This is just … stupid. Why are we—”
I stomp toward the door. “You’re right. This is stupid. Me being here is stupid.”
“Syd, wait!”
Slamming the door, I sprint out of the building. With no idea where I’m going, I just run. Not a jog, I’m running fast and hard, fueled by toxic emotions. If I can keep going, maybe I can leave it all behind—the hurt, anger, jealousy. I don’t want any of it. My lungs are burning, legs fatigued, as I come to an abandoned park on my right. Slowing to a walk, I clasp my hands on top of my head fighting to catch my breath. The salty taste on my lips is a mix of sweat and tears.
There’s a bench ahead facing a small pond filled with ducks, geese, and a few other migrating birds. Collapsing on the bench, I rest my elbows on my legs and drop my head. The dam breaks. Sobs wrack my body in uncontrolled waves. I’m so lost. My sister is five hours away, my dad even farther, and my mom is gone. My feelings are so irrational and raw. The more I try to ignore them, the louder they scream at me. The agony is crippling. How can I want to leave and stay at the same time?
“Hey …” Lautner’s soft voice calls to me.
Lifting my head, I’m greeted with blue irises. Sad. Blue. Irises.
He’s hunched down in front of me, and I throw my arms and legs around him. Falling back onto his butt, he hugs me to his chest with strong arms. I bury my face in the crook of his neck and cry. He rests his cheek on my head and gently rocks me. The last time I felt this safe, comforted, and loved was in my mother’s embrace.
“I’m sorry, baby. I’d rather die than hurt you.”
Sniffling, I shake my head. “No, I’m just—just s-s—so messed up. It’s not y-you.” I take a deep breath, hold it, then let it out with a slow release. “Your personal life is none of my business and—”
“Stop!” He pulls back and cradles my face in his hands, wiping my tear-stained cheeks with his thumbs. “What are you talking about? This. Us. Nothing has ever felt more personal. I’d bare my soul to you if you’d let me. Do you get that? Do you have any idea how I really feel about you?” His face is tense, etched with pain.
Biting down on my lips while my eyes rapidly blink away more impeding tears, I nod.
He presses his lips to mine, closing his eyes.
Life. Is. So. Cruel.
Releasing me, he skims his fingers along my jaw, eyes bright and adoring. “I’ll tell you anything you want to know. Even if it’s not what you want to hear. Okay?”
“Okay,” I whisper with a weak smile.
“You’re killing me, Sydney Ann Montgomery.” He shakes his head. “I’m not a greedy guy, so this … feeling is hard to handle.”
“Feeling?”
He nods. “Wanting something more than anything else in the world, but knowing you can’t have it … knowing I can’t have you.”
*
I’m drunk on Lautner. He’s my drug of choice. When I’m high on him, the rest of the world fades away. Naked, sated, and wrapped in his arms, I am at peace.
“Are your arms sore?” His voice chimes through the silent darkness of his bedroom.
Tracing the muscles in his arms circled around my waist, I smile. “Hmm, the only thing I’m feeling right now is bliss.”
That smile, the one that sends chills through my body, is pressed against my shoulder. I wonder if he knows the smile I feel on my skin is my all-time favorite. My eyes see what they want to see, my ears hear what they want to hear, but that touch, that tactile emotion is real and undeniable.
“Claire has a key because Rose likes to entertain so I let her use my apartment to study or do research when I’m not here.”
My body stiffens at the mention of her name alone and he squeezes me tighter.
“And Rose … have you—”
“No.” He laughs. “Jeez, I’m not that guy.”
“That guy?”
“The one who puts notches in his bedpost.”
Six condoms. Why does that bother me? I should ask him, but I’d hate myself for being that girl.
“I know.” I say the words to reassure myself more than him.
*
June 29th, 2010
The repeated ringtone of my phone brings me out of my sleep. The sun is up and I’m alone in bed. I don’t even try to make it to my phone, which is out on the coffee table. I’m not that quick in the morning. Stealing the sheet from the bed, I wrap it around my naked body and go retrieve my phone. I don’t remember hearing it ring more than once, but there are two missed calls, one from Avery and one from Elizabeth.
Something catches my attention as I yawn. I do a double take and notice a large—no, a gigantic—bouquet of flowers on the kitchen counter. They are a rainbow of vibrant colors and must have cost a fortune. Lautner has to be related to a florist because there are simply no flower shops open when he leaves before sunrise. What brings an enormous smile to my face are the two ACE bandages tied in bows around the stems. The same ACE bandages Dr. Kinky Bastard used to tie my arms to his bed last
night. And holy fuck … did he do things to me that I will never be able to share with even my oftentimes crude sister. How he puts on his scrubs and tends to sick children, like the male version of Mother Teresa, after last night is beyond me.
I dial up Avery but it goes to her voice mail so I leave a message. Next I try Elizabeth.
“Sydney, Avery tried calling you but you didn’t answer—” Elizabeth’s voice is rushed.
“I know. I just tried her but it went straight to her voicemail.”
“She’s probably in the air already.”
“What? Where’s she going?”
“Sydney, your dad was taken to the hospital early this morning. They think it’s his heart.”
The bottom to my world just came out and I’m free falling into my own hell. “Wh-What? Is he—”
“He’s fine right now. They’re going to run some tests, but they won’t know more until later. I’ve booked us a flight out at noon. It was the earliest I could get.”
I hear her words but they’re not registering. My dad is fit and healthy. This can’t be.
“Uh … okay, yeah I’ll be ready.” The clumsy words stumble from my mouth.
“I’ll pick you up in two hours.”
“Okay … um, bye.”
The tears fall faster than I can wipe them away. I can’t lose my dad too. This just isn’t right. My eyes flicker to the flowers again and I think of Lautner. I’m leaving in two hours. Then the enormity of the whole situation hits me. My dad is in the hospital and I can’t get to him fast enough. I’m supposed to be leaving for Paris in three days, and I won’t get to see Lautner again … ever.
He deserves to know, so I send him off a quick text before packing up my stuff.
My dad’s in the hospital. I fly out at noon. Sorry I have to leave like this. Call you tonight from Illinois.
Syd
I head to the bedroom, toss my phone on the bed, and start throwing things into my suitcase. “In Your Eyes” plays from my phone.
“Don’t go … just wait!” Lautner’s panicked voice sounds in my ear.
“I’m sorry. I have to go. I didn’t want to end things like this but—”
“Just WAIT!” he yells and the line goes dead.
