by Claude Brown
If it was an elderly lady, she’d probably say, “Boy, why don’t you stop all that foolishness and go get yourself a job?”
I’d go on. It was a thing that I was really beginning to enjoy. I went around to all the beauty salons, and after a while, I got to know just about all the beauticians in the neighborhood, all up and down Seventh Avenue and Eighth Avenue.
I would give some things to chicks on credit. Some of them would pay, and some of them would have no intentions of paying. After a while, you could tell, before you gave them any credit, just who would pay and who wouldn’t.
I’d go into bars at night and sell cosmetics to barmaids. I’d even sell them to the whores up on St. Nicholas and Amsterdam Avenues and down around 125th Street. Some of the prostitutes I knew from way back. They’d say, “Sonny, I’m gon buy something from you just to help you out, just for old times’ sake,” or something like that.
I remember once I walked into a bar up around 145th Street near St. Nicholas. I met somebody I hadn’t seen in a long time. It was Jackie.
She had her back to me when I walked in. I walked up and said, formally, “Pardon me, young lady,” and tapped her on the back.
She turned around, and she said, “Sonny!” She jumped up and threw both arms around me. She got off the stool and told the cat she’d been talking to that she’d be right back. “This is a cousin of mine, and I haven’t seen him in a long time,” she said. “Come on, Sonny, come with me.”
I said, “Where you goin’, baby? I’m on business here.”
“Oh, you got one of those little bags. You selling something too? … Sonny, look, you just come on with me right now. I’ve got a trick in here. I’ve got a good trick, and I’ll make this nigger buy me everything you’ve got in that bag. But come on outside. I want to kiss you first. It wouldn’t look good right here, just being a cousin.”
We went outside and talked for a while. I asked her what she was doing and where she’d been. She told me that she’d just gotten out of jail and that she’d asked about me. She went up to my parents’ house. She said, “I should’ve known better than to ask your mother. I was hoping that maybe she wouldn’t answer the door, that maybe your brother or one of your sisters would open the door. I didn’t know that they’d moved.”
I said, “Yeah, both of my sisters are married now, and they don’t live with my parents any more. And my brother, well, that’s a different story.”
She said, “Yeah, Sonny, I’m sorry, baby. I saw him.”
“Yeah, well, you know, that’s how it goes.” I was standing up against the wall, and I had my case on the ground between my legs.
She kissed me and leaned all over me and said, “Look, here’s my address. I want you to come on up tonight. I’ll be home as soon as the bars close. Look, Sonny, I’m gonna go in here, and I’m gonna tell this trick that I need a whole lot of stuff. Now, you tell me what you’ve got in that bag, and I’m going to tell him that I need just about everything.”
I told her a few items that I had. I took her address and told her I’d come by her house about four-fifteen that morning. I had no intentions of going by, but it was nice to see her; it was real nice to see her.
She went back into the bar. She told this guy, “My cousin’s selling cosmetics, and I want you to buy something for me.” She picked out about twenty dollars’ worth of stuff, and this cat kept on buying it. This trick seemed to be in his forties. Jackie knew that she had a good thing.
I left after I made the big sale.
I’d see a lot of whores, and I got to know them. My best customers were the whores and the beauticians. I guess they were the women who used the most makeup, or they were more conscious of makeup.
Sometimes I’d run into different whores, and I’d say, “Come on, why don’t you buy somethin’?”
They might say, “No, baby, I can’t buy nothin’ yet. I haven’t made any money. Why don’t you come back about one o’clock, after I’ve turned a few tricks?”
I’d say, “Sure, baby, I’ll be back,” that sort of thing. Sometimes I came back, sometimes I didn’t, but it was always an all right thing.
I went by to see Jackie, but not the night I said I would. I went by her house a couple of days later. She opened the door, looked at me, and said, “You lyin’ nigger!”
I said, “What’s wrong, baby? I just couldn’t make it.”
“I’ll bet you couldn’t. You could of told me that when I was in the bar. I rushed home. I was out of there about three o’clock. I went and I got something for me and you. I had a lot of liquor and stuff. And, Sonny, I was all set to party. I just knew we were gonna have a good time. And you didn’t show.”
I said, “What did you get?”
“I got some nice pot. I got some cocaine. I had all the liquor we needed. We could’ve partied all day and half of the next night.”
“Yeah, Jackie, that was real sweet of you, baby. I wish I had come, and I know it was my loss, but I couldn’t make it.”
“What do you mean you couldn’t make it? What happened? What were you doin’?”
“I went and got drunk.”
“Wait a minute. Yeah, I guess I was crazy. Sonny, you’re not married, are you?”
“No, I’m not married yet.”
“Oh, I was wonderin’. I know I’d forgotten to ask, and I just ran right into your arms, I was so happy to see you.”
“I was happy to see you too.”
She said, “Yeah, well, I didn’t stand you up.”
“But, baby, I couldn’t help standing you up.”
“You still didn’t tell me why.”
I said, “Oh, baby, I just couldn’t make it. You get up tight sometimes. You get into something and you can’t get away.”
“Well, I’ve got something nice. Do you want to get high?”
“No. Look, Jackie, I don’t smoke any more, and I don’t snort any coke.”
She stood there and looked at me for a while. She said, “Sonny, are you for real?”
“Yeah, baby, I just don’t need it any more.”
“What do you mean you don’t need it any more? Damn, Sonny, everything is changing too much for me. You! It’s just too much. You were the one nigger I dreamed about when I was in jail. I put your picture up over my bunk.”
I said, “Yeah, yeah, and I’ll bet you masturbated behind it every night.”
“Oh, baby, you know I did!”
“Aw, come on, Jackie, I think I told you that one the first time I came out of the joint.”
“But, Sonny, damn, you know how I feel about you. You were always the main nigger for me. You were the only one who made me feel as though I was really somethin’ special.”
“Yeah, well, I always felt that you were something special, Jackie. I still do.”
She said, “Still, why did you …”
“Let’s forget it. I’m here now.”
“Yeah, you’re here now. You’re talkin’ about you don’t snort any cocaine any more. You don’t smoke any pot. Did you get any religion? Sonny, you’re not one of those Muslims now, are you?”
I said, “No, baby, it’s got nothing to do with religion, none of that sort of thing.”
“Well, Sonny, what happened?”
“Nothin’, I’m just older, Jackie.”
She said, “Yeah, yeah, look at you. You’re gray all around the edges.”
“No, I don’t mean that. It’s just that I’ve matured, and, Jackie, those things … like smoking and using coke and trying to get a quick piece of cunt … it was all a part of my childhood.”
She said, “Aw, come on, Sonny. Damn, Sonny, I use to always dig you for bein’ a straight-out nigger, and now here you gon come and tell me some shit like that. How old you gon get ? Shit. Colored men, they never stop fuckin’, I don’t care how old they get. They might stop usin’ pot, and they might stop snortin’ cocaine, but here you gon tell me you so old at twenty-one. You can stop snortin’, you can stop smoking pot, but you can’t tell me,
Sonny, that you’re so old you’re gon stop screwin’.”
I said, “No, I guess I’m not that old, baby; it’s …”
She said, “That’s what I was afraid of, likin’ somebody.”
I said, “Look, life goes on, Jackie. I’m certain you didn’t wait all this time just for me. You didn’t even know I was comin’ in that bar, baby.”
“Yeah, but that’s beside the point, Sonny. I tried to find you as soon as I got home. The first place I went was to your house. You didn’t answer any of my letters or anything, and I still went to your house, first stop.”
I said, “Jackie, about not answering your letters, as a matter of fact, I didn’t get any.”
She said, “I kind of halfway figured that, when I found out that you weren’t living with your folks. I knew they would never give you any letters that I’d written to you.”
“That’s about what happened.”
She said, “Well, Mr. Righteous, can I fix you a drink?”
“Sure.”
She fixed me a Scotch, and we talked about old times. I asked her about her plans. She said she didn’t know. She figured she’d just keep in doing what she had been doing.
I said, “You can’t intend to trick all your life, can you? One day you’ll get old, baby.”
“Everybody’s gonna get old one day, Sonny. I think the main thing is doing what you want to do, as long as you can, before you get too old to do it. This is what I want to do. Sonny, I sure wish it could be us again.”
“Yeah, I guess I kind of wish that too, Jackie, but you just can’t turn back the clock.”
“Yeah, I guess I should have known, Sonny, when I saw you with that little satchel. It just doesn’t look like you, walkin’ around and carryin’ some bag, sellin’ cosmetics.”
“Yeah, well, I guess everybody changes.”
“Sonny, did you ever miss me much, or did you ever think of me much?”
“Yeah, I thought of you quite a bit. As a matter of fact, I think it was the dreams of you that kept me warm on those cold winter nights when I first moved away from home.”
“Yeah, I’ll bet.”
I said, “Damn, I wish you’d been around then.”
“Yeah, I wish I’d been around too, Sonny.”
I asked her where she’d been, and she said someplace called West-field. She told me about some girls she knew from around the neighborhood and asked me if I knew them. They were up there. She said it was a real ball. She met some nice people.
I said, “Yeah, I usually met nice people too. That’s how it goes. Sometimes you meet some of the nicest people in those places.”
We were quiet for a while. I guess I was trying to find a way to end the conversation and say good-bye. After I got there, I felt it would have been better not to have seen her any more after that night in that bar. Then if I had seen her again, I could have kept telling her that I was coming by, but never getting there. Eventually, she would have gotten the message. It would have been easier on both of us. Bu I had come by, and we were both just sitting there. I knew she was wondering how she should treat me, and I was wondering what I should say, trying to think of something nice that I could say to her.
She started asking me about people. She said she’d heard that Turk was making a name for himself as a heavyweight fighter. I said, “Yeah he’s doing real good.” She said she’d heard he’d married that little stuck-up girl on Eighth Avenue. I said, “Sally? I never thought she was stuck up.”
Jackie said, “No, you wouldn’t have.”
“Yeah, he married Sally. They’ve got a real cute little girl.”
Jackie said, “Yeah, I’ve seen her. She’s a pretty child, but I think that’s all because of Turk. It’s got nothing to do with that old stuck-up …”
I said, “No, Sally has changed too. She was young then, and, I suppose, you would …”
“Aw, I bet she didn’t change that much.”
“Look at it this way, Jackie, she must’ve changed somewhat, because she married Turk, didn’t she? And Turk was always one of the dirty little boys out there on the street. Right?”
“Yeah, well, I don’t know. Maybe she did change. What happened to Tito?”
“Tito’s doin’ time, baby, doin’ a lot of time, in Sing Sing.”
“I use to always feel sorry for him. I remember one time, Sonny, I gave Tito some body because I felt sorry for him.”
I looked at her sort of suspiciously and said, “Yeah, I’ll bet you did.”
“I would never tell that to anybody else but you. I knew you wouldn’t believe it, but I knew you could understand it if anybody could.”
“I’m glad you waited this long to tell me, because if you’d told me back then, I would’ve beaten your ass.”
“Would you, Sonny, would you really have?”
“You know I would have.”
“Yeah, I guess you really did care for me.”
“Yeah, I guess I did.”
I told her that I had to go to see some customers. She didn’t want me to go, but she knew we didn’t have anything more to talk about. She hesitated, and then she said, “Sonny, whatever happened to Alley Bush and his crazy self?”
I said, “Oh, Alley is a Muslim now. He’s down there on 125th Street and Seventh Avenue hollering and raising hell.”
“Everybody has grown up and gone his own way, huh?”
“Well, I guess that’s what life’s all about, Jackie. Look at you. You seem to have grown and gone on your own way.”
“Sonny, I don’t know what I’m doin’. I know that I’ve got to do it, and that’s all I know. Whatever it is, regardless of how little sense it makes, I’ve go to do it.… Okay, if you have to be so straight, can’t we still be friends, even though we’ve got different ways to go?”
“Jackie, the way I feel about you, you’ll always be one of my dearest friends.” She smiled. I said, “I’ve got to go, but I’ll see you around.”
She went to the door, and as I came by, she kissed at me. I touched her on her lips and said, “Take it easy, baby.”
I had a funny feeling about everything, about the past, about my childhood, and I kind or wondered if Jackie had been real, if the childhood had been real, if we had all gone through all that stuff. I wondered if it weren’t really just a dream. I couldn’t understand Bucky’s not being around. It just never made sense. I guess you just had to take it as it was.
I started meeting a lot of new people when I was selling cosmetics. There were some discouraging moments, but I felt that I had good products to sell to people. Chicks would swear they didn’t even have enough money to buy food. They’d say they had only a few pennies, and they really wished they could afford it. Some chicks would start talking that talk about how much they wished they could afford it, and then they’d start opening their robes a little more.
What was so discouraging was that some women wouldn’t come out and just say that they didn’t like the stuff or didn’t want any. They’d swear to all kinds of gods that they didn’t have any money. Then the numbers man would come up and knock on the door to get his list of digits for the day, and the same chick who was just telling you that she only had money to buy a little bit of food for the day and didn’t know how she was going to make it to the end of the week would start reaching in her brassiere or her stocking and pulling out dollar bills from everywhere. That was just the way it went. I didn’t feel too bad. I’d been in Harlem just about all my life, and I knew how people felt about the numbers. I knew that if they did nothing else, they were going to play numbers.
Sometimes you’d meet some girls you really liked. There were other moments when you’d hear about some of the things that happen to women. It made it seem as though women in Harlem were really getting messed over right and left.
I went to a woman’s house one morning, and she said she didn’t have any money. I said, “Well, this is the day that you told me to come by.”
“Yeah, but dammit, I ain’t got no money
.”
I just stood there in the doorway and looked at her for a while. She kept screaming, “Everybody! Everybody’s got their hand out in this goddamn town!”
“Look, lady, I’m sorry. I’ll come back some other time.”
As I turned, she stopped raving. She said, “Wait a minute, wait a minute, mister, I’m sorry. I had no business blowin’ off and cussin’ at you like that. You ain’t did nothing to me. I ain’t got nothin’ against you.”
I said, “That’s okay. I’m glad to have been here, if you had to let it out. Sometimes it helps.”
She said, “How much do I owe you for that soap?”
“A dollar seventy-five.”
“Want to come on in a minute? I’ll get my change purse.”
I came in and sat down. She said, “Damn. You work so hard, and you try so hard to earn a living and make enough money so you can send your kids to school and keep some clothes on their backs, and these no-good damn doggish men ain’t gon try and help you. Not only is they not gon try and help you, they gon try and stop you from doin’ anything.”
“Yeah, well, that’s the way it goes sometimes.”
“That old no-good damn doggish husband of mine had to go and get himself in jail, just for bein’ so goddamn doggish.”
“Yeah, I suppose all men have a little bit of dog in them.”
I remembered the times I’d followed Mama from one room to another when she’d be cleaning house. She’d turn around and say, “Boy, why don’t you stop walkin’ up under me? Go sit down, or go some place and play or somethin’.”
I’d be following her around, asking questions. Mama would be walking from one end of the house to the other, cleaning, talking to herself, cooking, and looking in the pot. She’d be saying, “That old no-good high-yella hussy. I’m gon throw some hot water on her or somethin’.”
I’d say, “Mama, what’s a hussy?”
She’d say, “Boy, why don’t you go on out from here and leave me alone?”
I’d be quiet and wouldn’t say anything, and Mama would go back, and she’d start talking. I’d walk behind her. When we got to the other end of the house, I’d say, “Mama, what’s a heifer?”
