Her shoulders heaved on a silent sigh. “Yeah, that’s what I’m afraid of. It nearly broke me when you left before. I can’t... I just can’t put everything I have into this unless I know it’s not going to happen again. I understand this attitude isn’t entirely fair, but that’s the way it is. So, I need some lines and distance. This was my attempt to do that.”
And cut him out of something they should both be sharing. “I’m sorry. I get it. I do. You make it sound like you’re the only one carrying scars from what happened six years ago.”
Her mouth twisted into a sickly smile. “Oh, I know I’m not, but I’m not sure that makes it any better. In fact, I’m pretty sure that makes it worse, since your wounds are self-inflicted. There was a time I would have sworn you’d stand beside me through anything. And then you left. So...yeah.”
The hurt in her eyes tore him apart even more. He’d put it there, and he hated himself for that. Back then, he’d been fueled by selfish guilt and fear. He owed her a lot.
But not this.
“I’ll give you whatever you need, Lola. But I can’t let you cut me out of anything with the baby. That can’t be the line you draw. This is nonnegotiable. I want to be part of the baby’s life. Every part of it.”
“And how are you planning to manage that from so far away?”
Erik shook his head. She had a point. They might have spent the last week jumping back into bed, but they’d actually done little to settle the issues between them.
They’d talked about their shared past. He’d told stories about his job and the places he’d lived. But they were both avoiding reality. Because neither of them knew the answer, did they?
He definitely didn’t. Hell, that was true long before he’d arrived back in Sweetheart. Almost two months ago he’d lost a friend, gotten reckless and been placed on administrative leave. His life was spiraling before Lola had told him she was pregnant.
In fact, out of everything that had happened in the last few months, that was a bright spot. Something positive and exciting.
“Let me worry about how I’ll manage being a dad,” he finally ground out.
Lola laughed, the sound jarring and bitter. “Sure, because that’s the kind of woman I am. I don’t worry. Ever. Have you met me?” Lola leveled a pointed look in his direction. He couldn’t help the bark of laughter that burst through his lips.
Not something he would have expected, given his red haze of anger just a few minutes ago.
Crouching down in front of her, he took both of her hands in his. They were so small. Lola’s personality was so big that he often forgot she wasn’t ten feet tall and bulletproof. For that matter, she seemed to forget it as well.
“This is something I won’t compromise on. I want to be there, for you and the baby.”
She bit her lip, worrying it for several seconds before reluctantly nodding.
“So, how did it go?” he asked.
“Good. Everything’s on track. I’m due in late February.”
He squeezed her hands and moved to stand up, but Lola’s grip on him tightened, keeping him in place. “I’m sorry you weren’t there.”
“Me, too.”
“It was actually overwhelming.”
Erik realized just how much it cost Lola to admit that. She wasn’t the kind of woman who routinely showed weakness, even to her closest friends.
“I mean, it was real before, but now it’s real. There’s an actual tiny human in there, depending on me for everything.”
To Erik’s surprise, she brought their linked hands to her belly and pressed his palm flat against it, as if she could transfer that knowledge to him through osmosis. “What if I’m awful at this?”
Lola’s vulnerability nearly cut him at the knees.
Bending close, he stared her straight in the eye and told her the absolute truth. “You’re going to be an amazing mom. A natural. You have the best family around you to help.”
“But I don’t have my mom.” She ducked her head, but not before he could see the pain and regret filling her expression. “I wanted her there today, Erik.”
Not him, but her mother. He understood, although that didn’t stop the slight sting of her words. How many times had he dreamed of his dad showing up to watch his football games growing up? It never happened. He’d always known it wouldn’t. But that didn’t crush the need. The difference was, his father had chosen not to be involved.
“You have her example, Lola. And memories, good memories. You have your family and some amazing friends.” He wanted to add himself to the list, had to bite back the words. “You’ll be fine. Better than fine. Amazing.”
There was no part of him that didn’t believe that. Lola would be a wonderful mom. Firm but loving. She’d laugh off the things that didn’t matter but have no problem making the hard decisions, either.
He, on the other hand...
“If either of us is going to suck at this, it’ll be me. But I was lucky enough to be a part of your family, so I have the same examples. We’ll both be fine, Lola. No matter what happens, our baby is going to be loved by so many people.”
And that was what mattered.
Erik carried plenty of scars. Being unwanted by a parent left damage no matter how good the support system around you was. There was always a part of you that wondered—what did you do wrong? What part of you was unworthy? What could you have changed or done differently?
Even if his adult brain knew the problem was his father’s and not his, that didn’t change the little boy inside he couldn’t always silence. It was the same voice that had sent him running six years ago, certain that his actions had cost him the surrogate family who had adopted him.
Because how could it not? How could the man he’d looked to as a father not blame him for his son’s accident when Erik blamed himself? How could Lola not see the damage he’d inflicted whenever she looked at him, just as he did when he looked at his reflection in the mirror?
Lola pushed back from him, her chocolate eyes bright. “You’re going to be great at this, too. For years I watched you try to make up to your mom for the fact that your dad left. Something that wasn’t your fault. You take on responsibiliies that aren’t yours to shoulder. And that’s not necessarily good. But in this case... I’ve always known it would make you an perfect father, because there’s no part of you that would let your own child hurt the way you did.”
God, her words slayed him.
She held his face still so she could look deep into his eyes. “I really am sorry. The minute the nurse called me back, I regretted not asking you to come with me.”
Everything inside Erik wanted to accept her apology and let the whole thing go. But there was a part of him that just...couldn’t. She’d taken something from him. More than that, she’d taken something from them. A shared moment there was no way ever to get back.
Just this morning he’d been contemplating the idea of moving back to Sweetheart. Was he crazy to consider uprooting his entire life when Lola hadn’t even bothered to tell him she had a doctor’s appointment?
Obviously.
Was he fooling himself into hoping they might be able to give this thing between them a second chance? That she’d be able to forgive him and move past what had happened before?
One thing was clear. He needed to take a huge mental step back. At least until he had some answers. “Promise me you won’t do anything like this again. I want to know about appointments, when you’re not feeling well, names you’re thinking about. Anything and everything to do with the baby.”
She didn’t hesitate. “Absolutely.” And her certainty should have made him feel better. But it didn’t. Erik couldn’t shake the uneasiness that had been building inside him for days, long before this argument.
He was scheduled to leave soon, and he just wasn’t sure what
he should do—for himself, the baby or Lola.
11
EVER SINCE THE day of her appointment things had been...off. Nothing she could put a finger on, but she could feel more distance between Erik and her than before.
For the past three days they’d done the same things—cooked together, watched TV, slept in the same bed and had explosive sex. They talked about the baby, but never really about the future and how it was going to look.
Lola wasn’t sure either of them really knew. But that only increased her anxiety. It was obvious, at least to her, that Erik wasn’t making plans to be part of her life because he didn’t expect to be.
And meanwhile, she was so in love with him that it hurt. The realization hadn’t come as a surprise or even a stark epiphany. It had always been there—never really went away, even when she wished it would. She just hadn’t wanted to admit it.
Which only made the way he was drawing away from her hurt that much more. She could feel him slipping through her fingers. And just like before, she was powerless to stop it.
Lola hated feeling powerless.
Deep down, she’d always known that this was how it was going to end, but that didn’t make the reality any easier to bear. Erik was going to walk away. She’d fooled herself into thinking she could handle it. That she was stronger now and wouldn’t break when he chose his life in California over what they shared.
Although he hadn’t told her exactly when he’d be leaving, she knew it was soon. Only a few more days. That was all she had.
The stress of anticipating the fallout was getting to her. Her morning sickness was back with a vengeance and despite the exhaustion, she couldn’t sleep. Maybe she should tell him to leave so she could jump straight to the inevitable misery. But she couldn’t actually pull the trigger. She wanted to delay the pain as long as possible, but also, something inside her wouldn’t let her give up even one minute with him.
Lola was pretty sure that made her pathetic, but she didn’t care. Especially when the one place the tension disappeared was in the bedroom. At least there, they were able to connect.
She was desperately trying to find that connection outside the bedroom, too. Tonight she’d made dinner. Nothing fancy, just a roast and some veggies. They’d shared small talk that felt superficial in a way that made Lola’s belly ache and turned the food to sawdust in her mouth.
She was in the middle of a sentence, something about a shoot she’d had that morning, when Erik suddenly pushed his chair back. The legs scraped loudly across the floor, drawing her startled gaze up to his.
“What are you doing?” she asked, carefully setting her fork onto the edge of her plate.
Erik didn’t bother to answer. He simply pulled out her chair, gathered her into his arms and headed down the hallway toward her bedroom.
“Oh,” she breathed out, wrapping her body tightly around his. Despite the tension filling her, touching him was her only source of relief. When Erik made love to her, she could pretend everything was going to be okay. She could forget what was wrong and allow herself to connect to him on a level that always left her feeling wide open and safe.
Erik nuzzled against her throat, murmuring, “Do you have any idea how beautiful you are? How difficult it is for me to sit across that table from you and keep my hands to myself?”
Despite everything, happiness bubbled up inside her, right along with the need for more of him. Just him.
Lola gripped the edge of his shirt and pulled it out of the way. She found some skin of her own to nuzzle. God, she loved the smell and taste of him. “I can never get enough of you.”
“The feeling is mutual.”
Reaching her room, Erik didn’t even bother turning on a light before spreading her out in the center of the bed. He took his time peeling off her clothes, which was just fine with her. Tonight she was in the mood to savor.
His fingers played over all her sensitive places, coaxing tiny gasps as he flamed her desire higher. He always knew just how to touch her.
This. This was where they spoke the loudest, no matter what else was going on around them.
He worshipped her body, tempting and teasing. Not just with his mouth and fingers, but with his entire body. The power and strength of him as he rubbed against her, chest to chest, thigh to thigh, overwhelmed her.
Her sigh of happiness was soul deep as he finally slipped inside her, joining them in the most primitive and beautiful way possible. He filled her perfectly, stretching and stroking, setting off sparks of heat and pleasure inside her.
Her hands ran across his flanks and back, shoulders and hips, clenching and urging him to go faster. Lola murmured words, soft and sweet, peppered between scorching kisses rained over any inch of skin she could reach.
Her orgasm slammed into her, shocking in its intensity. Lola’s entire body thrummed with the overwhelming power of it. His name vibrated across her lips, breathy and tattered, just the way she felt.
Erik’s own body contorted as his orgasm crashed right over both of them. She could feel the weight of him pulsing deep inside her and locked her legs around him. She didn’t ever want to let go.
Finally, after several minutes, they collapsed to the bed together. Breathless, sweaty and perfect. Limbs tangled together so that she wasn’t entirely certain what belonged to whom. Not that it mattered. Everything that was hers was his anyway.
“So good,” he whispered, pressing a little kiss to her shoulder even as he tucked her into the shelter of his body.
“So tired,” she murmured.
Erik reached down and tugged the covers over them both.
Exhaustion and peace stole over her, dropping her into sleep within seconds.
But that peace was shaken several hours later when a rhythmic pounding jolted her from sleep. Disoriented, at first Lola thought the noise was coming from somewhere in her bedroom. But sitting straight up, she realized Erik was already yanking on a pair of jeans and heading for the hallway.
Someone was at her front door. Glancing at the bedside clock, she realized it was after midnight. This was not going to be good.
Bleary-eyed, Lola threw on a short silk robe and padded down the hallway behind him.
Peering over his shoulder, she discovered the last person she’d expected to see—her father.
Memories of another knock on another night swamped her. Colt’s accident, her mother’s death. Lola’s knees buckled, but somehow she caught herself on the doorframe, letting it hold her up.
A sense of doom and disaster washed over her. Familiar and so frightening. She started to shake her head, deny whatever was happening.
But she, better than most, understood denial couldn’t stop fate, cruel bitch that she was, from taking what she wanted.
* * *
AFTER YEARS OF being programmed to wake from a dead sleep to respond, Erik was wide awake when he opened Lola’s door.
“Sir,” he said, ushering Lola’s father in even as his heart rate picked up speed.
Nothing good could come from this.
Chief Whittaker’s expression was hard and unhappy. It didn’t help when the other man pushed past him just in time to grab Lola and guide her over to the couch. Her face was pale, her gorgeous brown eyes saucer-wide and full of pain.
Erik hadn’t realized she’d followed him.
He watched as her dad crouched in front of her, speaking in a soothing voice. “Everyone’s fine, baby.”
Lola sucked in a harsh breath. She nodded and murmured, “Okay.”
Patting her hand, chief stood and turned to take Erik in.
It was hardly the first time he’d spoken to Keith since he’d been back. In fact, they’d had multiple conversations, but all of them had been centered around work. Business, not the easy father/son relationship they’d shared for years.<
br />
Keith’s opinion mattered so much to Erik, and given everything that had happened, it was difficult to look him in the eye. More so than Colt or Lola, even.
“I’m sorry to stop by so late. I tried to call, but you didn’t answer. I just received a call from the fire chief in Marin.”
“Okay,” Erik pulled the single word out, trepidation and anxiety crackling across his skin.
“Some idiot walked away from a campfire yesterday morning without making sure it was out. With the dry summer and high temps we’ve been having, they’ve got an out-of-control wildfire on their hands and have requested assistance.”
And of course Lola’s dad would send men. “Who’s going?”
“I can spare a handful of guys. They’ll be heading out in a couple hours. But when I told Chief you were in town and had specialized experience as a smoke jumper, he asked if I could talk you into coming, too.”
Of course he would go. There was no hesitation or decision to be made. Fighting wildfires was everyday for him. Something he was trained to handle. “I’ll grab my gear and meet the rest of the guys. At the station?”
“Yeah.” Chief hesitated long enough that the last cobwebs cleared out of Erik’s brain.
Crossing the room, Keith laid a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. The men were roughly the same height, but that did nothing to extinguish the sensation that Erik was looking up at someone much wiser and more honorable than he could ever hope to be.
“Do me a favor, son.”
God, it had been a long time since he’d heard Chief call him son. “Anything.”
“Be careful. This fire is...nasty. It’s eating acres like a hungry beast with Marin right in its path. And I know you. You’re the kind of man who will put his own life on the line if it means saving someone else’s. Which is admirable. But you’re not invincible.”
Erik felt the dig deep into his soul, the reminder that he wasn’t perfect and had cost this man’s son so much.
Up in Flames Page 14
