I let out a loud sigh. “Listen, I can run to the car, get her kit, and be back before this lot has even changed and you know it,” I said in a hushed tone. Ellie squeezed my hand and pressed closer to my leg when Samantha’s lip curled and formed a snarl.
Joyce stood up and squared her shoulders. “Miss White, I think we may need a chat in my office. I will get Anne to schedule it. I am not allowing this to continue.” She turned to look at Ellie. “Ellie, Miss Beaumont can go get your bag, but in the future please remember to bring it into school.” She tapped Ellie’s temple. “Or I might have to start calling you Miss Forgetful.”
Ellie giggled and nodded.
Panic averted, I returned to my classroom. I hated that Samantha had Ellie in her class. The problem we faced was that if Ellie moved to a different class she would be leaving her friends behind. I wanted to protect my little sister but I couldn't face tearing her away from her little social network.
***
“Could you have gotten a bigger bouquet?” I asked, smiling at Johan as we drove to the hospital.
“Hey, my gorgeous girl deserves the best, and these were the best,” he said proudly. I felt a little pang of jealousy at his obvious adoration of Eve, but I quickly pushed it aside feeling ridiculous.
“Yeah, she does,” I said quietly and glanced across at the fragrant bouquet of happy yellow flowers. A beautiful glass vase held an array of bright yellow sunflowers, Peruvian lilies, yellow daisies, and dahlia. The green foliage set it apart and offered some other colour but the array was stunning. It was such a vibrant sunny yellow I couldn't help but feel uplifted by it.
“They remind me of her,” he said absently. “She always brought a certain light into the room, like she’s our own personal sunshine.”
My ears stung with his words, and his gentle worshiping tone. “Yeah, I’ve missed her too,” I choked, and thankfully I could keep my eyes trained on the road. He was right though, Eve always had a certain light about her, it was like she had this innocent quality, an angelic presence that drew you in. She was the good happy side, I was the miserable dark side. It’s just the way we were; I don’t resent my sister, in fact I love her with everything I have. I’d like some of her light to rub off on me but after twenty-four years I’m still waiting on that.
“When are you coming home?” he blurted out, startling me.
I looked across at him, then back to the road. “I, I haven’t—”
“Sorry, I know you...sorry.” He cleared his throat and shifted in his chair. “I didn’t mean to just blurt that out. I just thought...once I fixed the house up, it would make you feel more like coming home.”
I let that seep in and play around in my mind, he thought I was staying away on purpose? “Johan, I hope you realise I’ve not come home because Mum and Dad have been at the hospital and I needed to be with Ellie. I can’t wait to come home, truly, I just think it’s better for Ellie if I keep her in a routine and part of that routine is her own surroundings.” I chanced a look at him and saw his cheeks redden.
“Sorry, I sound like a selfish ass.” He spoke so quietly I almost didn’t hear him.
“No, no you don’t. It’s nice to feel wanted for a change.” I laughed to ease the tension.
He cleared his throat and adjusted himself again.
Clearly I had said the wrong thing, because the tick in his jaw indicated he was pissed off at my comment.
The rest of the journey to the hospital was done in horrible uncomfortable silence. I wanted to say something to take the tension away, but whenever I did I either pissed him off or became a complete raving bitch so I remained silent.
***
I took a deep breath before I entered the room, I sucked in air to try to control my tumultuous emotions. The last thing I wanted was to bawl like an idiot in front of Eve especially with everything she has been through. My hands started shaking because my sister was laying beyond this door, and I had no idea what she was going to look like after Elliott’s attack. I didn't want to cause a scene, I wanted to be strong for her.
“You okay?” Johan whispered close to my ear, sending shivers down my spine. I took another breath to steady my wild pulse. I nodded because I didn’t trust my voice to work properly. “I’m here with you.” His hand settled at the small of my back. A gentle reassuring touch meant to sooth me, instead it sent my scattered brain into sensory overload.
I stumbled forward and pressed my hands against the door to steady myself. Johan stepped in close behind me. His heat burning through my clothes, branding me. He slid his hand around my waist and with slight pressure pulled me to him.
“Grumpy, you can do this,” he whispered. His breath fanned across my cheek, my spine tingled along with other areas of my body that should not have tingled.
“I can’t...with you touching me like that,” I breathed. My knees were seconds away from buckling. His fingers flexed and held tighter. I loved the feeling of him, his hands on me. I closed my eyes and let out a shaky breath. I almost gained some composure when his lips brushed against my ear.
“I have a feeling you are going to be my elixir, my drug. Can you heal me, Grumpy? Can you make the pain go away?” His lips caressed my ear with every word. “You’re addictive, Lou, and I can’t allow myself to fall under your spell. I’m not what you need.”
“How do you know?” I sighed. My body moulded into him.
“Because no one needs me,” he said sadly, his head pressing against the side of mine. We held one another, locked in our own pain. He sucked in a deep breath and gathered himself. He pulled away abruptly then manoeuvred past me, and entered Eve’s room leaving me aghast in the doorway.
“There’s my gorgeous girl. Have you missed me? Because let me tell you my life has been hell without you.”
I saw his full dimple smile and my heart cracked. He was playing me, teasing me and stringing me along. The special smiles and little touches were nothing more than what he offered every other woman in his life; I was nothing more than a game to him. The lonely, dumped pregnant girl in need of attention. Well fuck you, G.I. bastard Johan.
I squared my shoulders and held my head high. Instead I wanted to crumble and weep, but I refused to do that here. I would suck it up, hide it away until...well until I forgot and no longer needed to pretend.
Eve turned her attention to me and the brightest smile crossed her face and the beam I returned was pure, genuine joy. She looked tired, and you could see shadows of old bruises peppering her beautiful face and neck. But she was alive and after weeks of not seeing her, I realised Johan was right: she was the light we’d all been missing.
“Blimey, you are a sight for sore eyes, Evie-Beevie,” I said, leaning over to hug her.
“I wondered when you would come see me. I missed you.”
She slowly lifted her hand and pressed it against my stomach. “Wow, you’re showing already.”
I smoothed my hand down my top. “Do you think so?”
“Yeah, our baby bean is growing nicely.” She smiled, staring at my stomach.
“Ooh, I have something to show you,” I said, searching in my bag. I lifted out the grainy photo and handed it to her. She lifted her hand to cover her mouth. “Is this baby bean?”
I smiled and nodded.
“Oh my God. How fantastic is that. Did Darren...” When I shook my head she paused. She offered me a sympathetic smile, and that hurt. Again I felt like that pathetic unwanted loser.
“Well, he or she is perfect,” she said and smiled down at the picture. Her hand dropped from her mouth limply, almost like the strength had evaporated from her.
Johan sat quietly beside the bed; I could feel his gaze on me but I refused to look up. I was having trouble keeping myself under control and looking at him would only enflame me.
“So...” Dominic walked in the door and Eve’s face lit up like a Christmas tree. Johan finally spoke, lifting his hand to entwine with Eve’s. “When are you coming home, I’ve been lonely without your cute little ass t
o keep me company?”
Eve laughed, I turned to see Dominic scowling at the annoying little crap.
“They haven’t really said. I think I still have a way to go.” She looked up at Dominic as if seeking his help. He smiled at her and I felt a pang of envy at their connection, not that I resented either of them for what they had with each other, but I wanted that connection with someone, I wanted to be someone’s light. I thought I had it with Darren, but clearly that road was blocked. How could I forge a new relationship and risk bringing someone into my life, trusting them with my child, worried about them leaving us? And not only that, if Darren was truly the one for me I’d hardly have been sticking my tongue down another man’s throat. God, my head is a shed right now, full of useless frigging junk.
“I...I’m not sure I can...” Eve looked at me with tear-filled eyes. “Lou, I don’t know if I can go back to that house. Not straight away. It’s...I know he’s...I just—”
“Sweetie, I understand.” I smiled and squeezed her hand. “Besides, you have a hunky chunk of man flesh to keep you warm at night and there is no way I'm listening to you two rocking the headboard.” I winked at her and she laughed loudly, wiping at her eyes. Dominic chuckled behind me.
“You have a way with words, Lou-Lou,” Dominic said, leaning down and pressing a kiss to the top of my head. “How’s Mum doing?”
“She’s getting there. She’s stopped smoking thankfully.”
Dominic frowned. “She started again?”
“Yeah, I think it was to settle her nerves more than anything. But the past few times I’ve gone round I’ve not smelt it and she hasn’t smoked whilst I’ve been there.”
“I’ll go see her tonight,” he said quietly. I could hear the guilt in his voice. So I did the only thing I could think of, made a joke of things.
“So I see you had a shave. The whole Robinson Crusoe look wasn’t you. Did you find any woodland creatures in there? Small refugee family? No?”
He laughed and squeezed my shoulder. “My woman here might have liked the rugged look.”
I snorted. “Rugged, yeah, full shag pile...no. Keep the razor, Dominic.”
Eve laughed and the tinkle of her happiness filled my heart and repaired some of the recent cracks.
I sat beside my sister in reverent silence. Her movements were laboured and it was difficult for her to move the arm that wasn’t in a cast. Apparently she had been stabbed in that shoulder three times and the doctor said she should limit her movements.
Dominic and Johan had gone down to the canteen to grab something to eat, Eve had fallen asleep not long after they had left the room. I watched as she rested, her chest rising and falling gently, her serene face content and calm. Her broken, fragile body looked so small on the hospital gurney. All bandaged with wires popping out here, there and everywhere. Every so often I reached out to softly touch the back of her hand, just to make sure she really was still here. I couldn't begin to imagine the horrors she lived through, and I felt selfish for sitting here feeling sorry for myself because I was alone, and the man I was quickly falling for didn't want me.
“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” Eve croaked from the side of me. I lifted my head quickly, not realising she had woken.
“Hmm?”
“Don’t give me that. Something’s gone on between you and Johan. What is it? Has his teasing become too much? Because if it has, I can have a word or ask him to leave. I won’t have him upset you, Lou, and I can see something is upsetting you. You look...your spark has gone, sis. Why?”
I bit the inside of my lip to stop from breaking down and crying. I shook my head. “I’m just tired,” I said lamely. I couldn't meet her eyes.
“Lou.” I could hear the pleading in her voice. “I have no right to ask for your honesty, God knows I told enough lies, but I hurt too many people by hiding. I won’t do it again. And I’d like for you to trust me.”
Fuck me, she was going to kill me.
I took a deep breath. “I kissed him.”
“What?”
“I kissed him.” I hung my head in embarrassment.
“Johan? When? Why?” she asked, astonished.
“I don’t know.” I looked up at her face and decided I needed to take the leap of faith she had. “He...we’ve been getting on brilliantly. We spend practically every night together. I’ve been staying at Mum and Dad’s while you’ve been here. And he’s come over every night to eat with us. He came to the scan with me, Darren was supposed to come but at the last minute he cancelled.” I paused when I heard her disgusted snort. “Yeah, no surprises with that. I was about to go it alone and Johan turned up. He was amazing and I think I—” I shook my head, not ready to admit how I was starting to feel about him. “He was amazed by the scan, he even bought a picture for himself.” I stood and stretched my back. I sat on the edge of her bed and traced a pattern in the sheet. “He re-decorated the house as a surprise. The day I received news you were awake, I went over to our house to tell him, I wanted—”
“You wanted what?”
“I wanted to share the joy of it with him, he was the first person I thought of. I know that’s fucked up. But I didn't even think about it, I just needed him. But when I got there, a lass called Emily was with him.”
“Emily?”
“Yeah, apparently she’s Dominic’s secretary, which I suppose could have been total bullshit because—”
“No, that’s true, Emily is his secretary. Her and Johan are pretty good friends. I think they go out with some others from work on the last Friday of each month.”
I nodded. “Well, she was there with him and I acted like a jealous psycho and thought all these awful thoughts about her.”
“She’s actually really sweet. You’d like her.”
“You’re not getting that I feel like shit are you?” I said sarcastically.
Eve smiled and nudged me.
“Anyway, after I humiliated myself he explained it all, and showed me what they’d been doing. He’s transformed the spare room into a dream nursery. It’s beautiful, honest to God, Eve, it’s like something out of a catalogue.” She gasped and pressed her hand to her chest. I looked up and nodded knowingly. “So we had this strange moment, and I kissed him...and I thought he kissed me back but...but then he pushed me away and...Oh God, it was so embarrassing.” I closed my eyes and shook my head.
“What happened?”
“He said he wouldn’t accept payment in kind. He thought I kissed him in return for the nursery and I felt so fucking cheap. Darren has been a shit but that...that really bloody hurt, Eve. The sad thing is, I knew I didn’t have a chance with him.”
“Why?”
“Because he’s fallen for someone else and there is no competing with that. I don’t want to compete with her.”
“Lou—”
“No, it’s fine. I’m just an emotional mess right now. It’s a blip, that’s all. I can get over a simple kiss,” I said, offering a weak smile. “I spent years with Darren, I’m knocked up with his kid, if I can get over that, anything else will be a piece of cake.”
Eve didn’t smile, she reached out and squeezed my hand in silent consolation because we both knew it had gone way beyond a simple kiss. I’d allowed my heart to get involved and I had a feeling once Johan made his way into the main vessel I’d be totally fucked. So now I needed to bring back the bitch.
“So, my beautiful girl, I brought you a carrot cake muffin, I know they’re your favourite.” Johan came barging into the room, startling us both. “Lou, I got us some subs for dinner tonight, I thought if we were here late, neither of us would want to cook.”
I saw from my peripheral vision Eve smiling at me.
I shook my head and cleared my throat. “I won’t...I’m going out for dinner with Darren tonight,” I said quietly and I cursed that my cheeks pinked.
“What?” Johan snapped.
I squared my shoulders and took a deep breath. “He phoned earlier and asked if—”<
br />
“I don’t need the details, but why are you going to dinner with him?” he asked. I glanced at Eve who had a huge grin in her face.
“He’s my—”
“You’re kidding me right? This is some kind of joke?” He interrupted, and he stalked slowly around the bed towards me.
“No, why would it be a joke?” I asked with confidence I didn't feel. My heart fluttered at the sexy, imposing sight of him nearing me.
“Oh I don’t know, maybe because...” He paused as if realising someone else was witness to this conversation. He looked at Eve and she tried to suppress a smile, the little witch.
“No please, by all means carry on,” she said.
“So?” Johan snapped, shocking me as I realised he was going to continue this conversation.
“What’d I miss?” Dominic asked, walking into the room chewing on a sandwich and holding a Starbucks cup. What I wouldn’t give for some caffeine right now. Instead all I got was Johan clearly on a sugar high.
“She’s going out to dinner with Darren.” Johan scoffed as if that explained everything. Dominic looked at me, then Eve, then at Johan before his brow crinkled.
“Isn’t he her—?“ Dominic started but clearly the word boyfriend was offensive to Johan’s ears.
“No, not when he’s a dick to her and she kissed me three days ago.” Johan fixed me with a glare. “You can’t go.”
I heard Dominic chuckle and I turned to glare at him.
“Yes I can, it has nothing to do with you. Darren is—”
“Why are you doing this?” Johan reached out and grabbed my hand, pulling me to my feet and out of the room.
As we entered the empty hallway, Johan turned to pin me with a glare.
“Why?” he repeated.
“I already told you.”
“Since when do you kiss a guy then go have a nice cosy meal with that douche bag?”
“Firstly where the hell do you get off having a go at me, yes I kissed you, but as I recall you treated me like a common tart. I may have misread the situation, and I apologise for that, but you are not going to throw your weight around giving me shit because you’re on some kind of fucking power trip.” I turned away from him and walked back into Eve’s room. I walked straight up to her and kissed her forehead, then hugged her briefly before waving goodbye.
Surviving Love (Surviving #2) Page 10
