“Oh, I’m there and ready to buy the t-shirt.” I chuckled. “I really can’t explain it, Eve. Honestly, I’m struggling with it myself.”
“Then simply let it happen. Don’t fight it, don’t question it, just allow it.”
We sat holding one another in silence. I thought over what she had said, and how little it had shocked her my admitting something had happened between Johan and I.
“So you and Dominic? He’s kind of—”
“Amazing,” she said dreamily. “He’s been here every day, and he’s even managed to get Alistair to allow him to work from his laptop here. He takes conference calls and web chats all the time. It’s bizarre.”
“The man is smitten.” I looked up at her.
“The feeling is mutual. I never thought I could be this happy, Lou, I still wonder how I got here, how I deserved this.” Tears swam in her eyes. I fought back my own, not wanting to start bawling again.
“You deserved him from the beginning. From the moment you fell in love with him, you deserved him.”
She nodded but she didn't quite look convinced.
“So am I going to be a bridesmaid then?”
Her radiant face lit up the room.
“Yeah, you and Ellie.” She turned to look at the box on the bedside cabinet. She couldn't wear it yet, due to her left hand being in cast. From what Mum had told me, Dominic brings the ring each day and sits it beside the bed. He takes it with him each night to keep a part of her with him. Kind of makes him a modern day Romeo, without the topping himself at the end, obviously.
“Have you decided on a date?”
She looked down a little sheepishly.
“Eve?”
“I don’t want a huge wedding, just immediate family. Mum, Dad, Ellie, you, and Jill. And Johan, when Dominic speaks to him.”
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
“We want him there, he has to be there. So once I’m released from here, we are going to go put a request in for our Banns to be read at the local church. I’m happy to just marry him, I don’t want a big fan fair. I want to be his forever, that’s all I want.”
“Sounds perfect. You do realise Ellie is going to demand a pretty new dress and flowers...?”
“And sparkly shoes.”
We both laughed together. We were still laughing when Dominic entered the room looking a little wary.
“Hey, brother dearest,” I said, smiling at him. His face crinkled in a gorgeous grin.
“Hey sis.”
I held my arms out for a hug and he gladly came over to us. I received a hug after he kissed my sister of course. I smiled at the adoration in his eyes when he looked at her. She was his light, his heart, his reason for breathing and I loved him for that. I pulled him into a hug and squeezed him hard.
I spent an hour with Eve until visiting hours were over. I cried, I laughed, I wanted to scream but I refrained thinking I may end up committed to the psychiatric ward. Even though she was in the hospital she was the happiest I have ever seen her; her eyes sparkled and she looked free. I didn’t know why I’d never seen her misery before, had no idea the pain she lived in, but looking at her and hearing her talk about Dominic was a glorious thing.
Dominic gave me a lift home, after an embarrassingly long kiss goodbye to my sister. He was relatively quiet on the way home, but I could see it hurt him to leave her there.
“She’ll be home before you know it,” I reassured him.
“Yeah, I know, I just hate having to leave her,” Dominic replied.
“She loves you so much.”
He let out a gentle sigh. “I pretty much idolise the ground she walks on so the feeling is definitely mutual. I still can’t believe she’s finally mine.”
I paused for a little, nervous about saying what I felt I needed to. “Hurt her, and I will cut your balls off. I’m not kidding, Dominic, I’m watching now. I will not let her get hurt again.”
“Me either. I swear to you, I’ve never made a promise meaning more than this one.”
“I just had to say it.” My cheeks heated.
“Trust me, it was scary.” He made a show of shivering. I pushed at his shoulder and he grinned.
“Thanks for bringing me home. Even though you’ve come out of your way.”
“Well, I couldn't abandon you in the hospital car park. Besides, the hotel is just around the corner.”
“Hotel?”
“Hmm?”
“Why are you staying in a hotel?”
He swallowed and looked out of the window to avoid my inquisitive stare.
“I can’t...the bed still smells of her, her mug is still in the sink...from that morning.” He cleared his throat and I watched as his cheeks heated. “I can’t be there without her. I want her home first. When I know she will come home to me, I will feel more settled.” He let out a shaky breath and my heart clenched.
“Dominic, she is coming home with you. You are her home now.”
He turned to look at me and the doubt in his eyes floored me. “What if she changes her mind?”
“Oh, sweetie, Eve has loved you since she was a kid. When prince charming finally notices you, you grab hold and don’t let go. Dominic, you are her happy ever after. Trust me, even I couldn't stop her and I’m one bad ass dude-ess.”
His deeply rich laugh echoed through the car and I smiled. I patted his shoulder tenderly.
“You’re defamation of the English language astounds me.”
I scowled at him in jest.
“She is coming home with you. If it stinks of mouldy food and crap she’s going to kick your arse.” I pointed my finger at him.
“I’ve been stupid haven’t I?”
“No, I can understand your fears, but she’s back with us. No one is taking her from us. Well, except you nicking my roomie, but seeing as I can’t put up with you both snogging like teenagers all the time I can live with the distance.”
He chuckled and reached out to squeeze my hand. “Thank you.”
“Do you want to stay here?”
“That would be even worse.” He flinched, looking up at the house. I regretted reminding him of what had happened inside our home.
“He’s gone now. He doesn’t even exist as a ghost for her. She is free to love and be loved how she deserves. Remember that.”
“What about you?” he asked. “Everything okay?”
“It will be, it’s just confusing.”
“He’d be good for you. Johan, he’s a good bloke.”
“You saying that so he stops hitting on Eve?” I joked.
I kissed Dominic’s cheek as I got out of his car, effectively ending the conversation. My mind was entirely washed out tonight, I needed my bed.
The house was in complete darkness. No porch light, no hallway light, nothing. Normally that would be fine, but I had a horrible feeling something was wrong. I hesitated before putting the key in the lock; chills ran down my spine, hairs stood on end at the back of my neck and along my arms. Inside me something screamed not to enter the house, not to venture past the threshold. I turned the key and pushed the door open to stare at the dark hallway.
Something was wrong. A sick feeling hit me, and I hesitated before I stepped through the door.
“Johan,” I called out. My voice didn’t sound like my own.
I shivered as a cold feeling stirred through me.
I walked to the lounge door and took a deep breath before glancing around the doorframe. I had a sense someone or something was about to jump out at me. The room was empty, I turned to leave but a bottle on the coffee table caught my eye. I walked into the room and picked the half empty bottle of J.D., but what sent me into a panic were the two empty packets of prescription pills thrown haphazardly onto the table. Each foil pill pocket was empty. I picked them up and read the labels.
Escitalopram and Temazepam.
They were both Johan’s but not registered to this address and the date was pretty recent.
“Shit!” I threw th
e packets on the table and spun around. “Johan!” I shouted. I ran into the kitchen. “Johan!”
My heart galloped, my skin prickled, I tried to open the back door but it was locked so he couldn't be out there.
“JOHAN!” I screamed at the top of my voice. The only sound was the echo of my voice and the harshness of my breathing. I panted heavily. Tears flooded my eyes.
I ran to the foot of the stairs holding the banister, hesitating before ascending the stairs. Each step felt a mountainous climb. My blood pulsed through my body, hammering my heart against my chest.
“Johan, honey?” I called softly. Please be okay, please, please, please be okay.
I wiped at the tears running down my face. I paused at the top of the stairs listening for any noises. The house was eerily quiet, the only thing I could hear was the beating of my heart and my short rough breaths. I peered into the bathroom, the door already open and thankfully the room was empty.
I leaned over the vast space of hallway, in reality it wasn’t that far but reaching out in the dark, terrified of what the light would expose, it felt an ocean away. My hands shook as I reached out and flicked the light on. I sucked in a frightened breath as the light flooded the hall, my skin tingling with dread. I pushed open the only closed door, which happened to be my room. I held my breath, and clutched my hands protectively against my chest. A cold shiver sliced down my spine when I recognised my room was also empty. Someone had been in there, because some of my clothes had been tossed on the floor; they’d been on the bed when I left earlier. I turned to check Eve’s room when I heard the softest whimper. I froze as icy tingles solidified my body.
“Johan,” I said. It came out in a pathetically low whisper. I stepped into my room and reached for the light. My hands were shaking so much I could barely flick the switch. My senses were on such hyper awareness the click of the switch hurt my ears. Then I heard an almost inaudible scratching sound. I leaned over to look at the far side of the bed. The floor space was empty. Again I turned to leave, to go check Eve’s room, when the soft scratching happened again.
Oh Christ, please don’t be a mouse.
I looked around for something to use as a weapon. I picked up a deodorant can and held it above my head. I walked around the bed and the noise became a little louder the closer I got. I lowered myself to my hands and knees and started lifting the valence sheet. I lifted it enough to peer under, tilted my head down and—
Heart wrenching, blood curdling screams came at me. I threw myself against the wall, scrambling backwards. I clutched at my stomach protecting baby bean as the screams continued. I curled into the corner of my room and covered my ears. When I finally registered who was screaming I crawled across the floor and peered under the bed again.
Curled into a tight ball was Johan with my nightshirt clutched to his chest, his eyes closed, his body so tense he looked like he might implode at any moment. I realised he was actually asleep, the screams were the result of whatever demons were haunting him.
Whatever was happening in the nightmare was painful, horrific. I dropped my upper body as low as I could and crawled under the bed, reaching out to touch him. His entire body locked up when my hand rested on his arm. His eyes snapped open; he looked frightened and wild. I was trapped in his stare.
“Johan, honey. It’s Lou, come back, sweetie. You’re safe. You’re safe.” His eyes never wavered, he didn't blink, I’m not sure he was even breathing. He just locked eyes with me and froze. “Honey, it’s Louise. Your having a nightmare, it’s just a dream. I’m not here to hurt you.” I wiped at a tear rolling down my cheek as I gazed at the terror in his eyes. Slowly, his face twitched, his eyes focused, his brow furrowed. And suddenly my Johan came back.
“Lou?” He spoke in such confusion I wanted to weep.
“It’s me. Can you come out here?” I asked softly. I shuffled away to encourage him and give him some space. I had no idea how his large frame got into such a tiny space. I waited and waited, but he didn't appear. So I moved to lift the sheet when he reached from under the bed and slowly he emerged. He looked grey, sweaty, so mystified. I didn't hesitate, I wrapped myself around him. We moved to sit on the bed. I crawled into his lap and wrapped my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. I pulled his face into the crook of my neck and held him to me.
“I thought...you scared me so much. I thought you’d done something...with the pills and the drink.”
He clutched at my skin, pulling me tight against him, I could feel his heart thrashing inside his chest, his breathing erratic, his skin moist with sweat. I pulled away to look at him. I swept his hair away from his brow. I cupped his cheek and stared into his eyes.
“What happened?” he asked.
I tilted my head to regard him, frowning slightly, but when he looked around the room as if completely lost, I started to explain. He nodded as if understanding.
“I don’t, this is why I don’t...” He took a deep breath. “The pills. They’re for when things get out of hand and I can’t handle it anymore. I don’t want you living with my shit so I went to see my therapist and explained what had happened. She said I needed to sleep properly.” He shook his head and laughed without any humour. “I told her this would happen.”
I ran my fingers through his hair, listening.
“I don’t sleep. I nap, I sleep on the couch or in the chair so I don’t fall into a deep sleep so...so they don’t come. When I take the pills this shit happens.” He motioned towards the bed. “I thought if you were out with him, you were unlikely to come home. So I thought I’d take one. I can’t take this shit anymore. I panicked I’d use them again so I flushed them. I’m a fucking freak without the pills, and with them—”
“Stop! I’m begging you to stop calling yourself that. It hurts me here.” I put my hand over my heart. “It hurts me, Johan.”
He swallowed and shook his head. “I never want that, I never want to hurt you. That’s why I tried to be normal. I want to be normal. I thought if I slept, if I took the pills again. They’re supposed to make me normal.”
“Honey, you are normal.” I held his face in my hands. “You’re my kind of normal.”
A tear ran down his face as he stared into my eyes. “He always comes when I take the tablets, Lou. I can’t escape him, I run but I can’t run fast enough.” He spoke through choked sobs. I wasn’t sure who he was but a cold shiver ran down my spine warning me I didn't want to know.
I pulled him to me and wrapped my arms around him. His body trembled against me as I rubbed my hands up and down his back.
“Stay with me tonight. In here,” I said. When he pulled back to look at me I added quietly, “I’ll fight your nightmares.” I felt immediately ludicrous for saying it.
He titled his head to the side. “You would do that?” The reverent way he said it made my heart flutter, and everything Eve said finally made sense. I fit perfectly, exactly where I was, with who I was with. Johan was my other half, my missing piece.
We laid down on the bed. He nestled behind me and slowly wrapped his arms around me. His warm breath tickled my skin, his nose ran soft circles around the nape of my neck.
“Is this okay?” he asked in a husky voice.
“Yeah.”
He shifted slightly, tucking his knee under my bottom, cocooning us together. He slid one of his hands down my stomach to rest over my bump, whilst the other held my hand against my chest.
“Night, Lou,” he said softly, before placing a gentle kiss on my shoulder.
“Night.”
We laid in each other’s arms, fully clothed in the dark. His chest rose and fell slowly against my back; I was hyper aware of every twitch and movement he made.
“I’ve never done this,” he said in a soft rasp against my ear and I trembled, closing my eyes.
I turned my head a little to look at him. “What’s that?”
“Held someone. I’ve never wanted to let someone in so desperately, to allow them to see me.”
“You going to let me in?” I asked, hoping beyond hope he would say yes.
“I can’t keep you out, Lou, I’ve tried. But you’re like water, you penetrate through the tiny cracks, no matter how hard I fight it, you always win.”
The desolate anguish in his voice hurt so much. I turned in his arms and cupped his cheek. “I don’t mean to hurt you. If I...” I paused, fighting the lump in my throat “If I overstep the mark, tell me to back off. I will, I’ll leave you alone, I just hate to see you hurting. I want to be there to stop you from having to fight what’s in here alone. I don’t want you feeling alone.”
“That’s the problem, it’s safer for me to be alone. Why do you think I moved thousands of miles away from my family? To protect them from my fucked up life. To stop what happens to the people I love when they get close. And now I feel like I need to run from you.”
“I beg you not to run.”
He pressed his forehead to mine and let out a shaky breath. “You’re the light I’ve been desperately seeking. It would kill me to see it fade.”
I brushed my lips against his. “I’ll be your lighthouse if you need me to be.”
I turned in his arms, wrapped them around me, pulled him tight against my back. We fell asleep holding one another. Together, we kept the nightmares at bay.
Rescued by an Angel
Chase Dermont Junior III
8 Years Old
Boston Massachusetts
“Mom, seriously, the kid freaks out if anyone tries to get near him,” Will said.
I didn't like the panic in his voice.
“He’ll be fine, and don’t think I have forgiven your part in this, Willem Senior. I’m simply storing that information away until I’ve sorted this out.”
“Mom, please listen to me.”
Footsteps on the stairs grew closer. I curled into a ball under the bed.
“Jesus, what is that smell?” Will said. I knew what the smell was, I’d just gotten used to it.
“Will,” his mom whispered but I could hear her.
Surviving Love (Surviving #2) Page 12
