“Want me to take you home?”
She wrapped her arms around my neck and nodded. And for the first time in my life I felt like a man and not a scared little boy.
Chapter 11
Louise
“Can I ask you something?” I said quietly, taking another bite of pizza. We had gotten back from the club about half an hour ago; we left relatively early because my feet were killing me but I’d had a brilliant time. His friends were so funny. And I’d managed to apologise to Emily for being a bitch to her that day I’d seen her here. She was so sweet, and I really liked her.
“Sure.” He shrugged, then pulled off another mushroom and threw it into the box.
“Why didn’t you say you didn't like mushrooms?”
He looked up at me and frowned. “That’s your question?”
“No, but I’m curious.”
“You said you wanted ham and mushroom, so—” He shrugged again as if it was no big deal. But it was a big deal, because when I had pizza with Darren he complained the entire time it was messy and greasy, he hates junk food and particularly food you are expected to eat with your fingers.
“So your original question?” he asked.
“Oh yeah. How can you go into clubs and stuff when you have that phobia, I can’t remember the name.”
He took another huge bite and wiped his mouth with his napkin, taking forever to chew before he looked up at me. He was sitting on the floor by the coffee table while I reclined on the sofa.
“I don’t suffer with it like I used to. It’s still there, lurking around but I know how to handle it.” He took a drink of his beer and I looked at it longingly. “It becomes an issue or problematic when I’m feeling anxious. According to my therapist, when I feel in control I can handle it. When I’m scared or my anxiety issues peak, I lose control and it becomes hard for me to control, a bit like when that woman started touching me. I kind of had a freak out then, but when I can control the issue by, for example, walking away, I’m okay. But had I been trapped or not able to deflect her, I would have panicked big time and spiralled downward. Does that make any sense?” His cheeks heated. I wanted to lean over and kiss the blush from his face, or give him another reason to blush.
I started to shuffle off of the sofa to sit beside him but he held up his hand to stop me. “You can’t sit on the floor, sunbeam.” He crawled along the floor and sat beside me.
“But you seem so outgoing and confident.”
He swallowed and placed his pizza back in the box. “I wasn’t, I was terrified of my own shadow at one point. It was a huge deal just to leave the loft of the pool house, let alone go outside. It took Ane and Will weeks, maybe even months to persuade me to go up to the house.” He rubbed his brow. “It’s kind of a defence thing. I found if I acted confident, assholes stayed clear of me anyway. The only people I keep as friends are the ones who see through the bullshit. If I act confident and take control of a situation I stay in control. I approach things differently so I can handle it.”
“So how do you know when it’s going to be a problem?”
“I don’t, it just kind of hits me. I freak out and lose the plot I suppose.” His cheeks reddened again.
“Is that what happened the day I found you after everything with Eve?”
He shrugged. “Probably.”
“What do you mean? You don’t remember?”
He shook his head.” I remember finding her, and being covered in her blood, I remember you at some point calling me. Then I woke up in your bed. I knew I’d had a breakdown but I felt too embarrassed to ask about it. Mama-su and Dad said it was hard to watch. I think I scared them more than anything. It’s mortifying to put people you care about through my shit.”
“It was heartbreaking to watch, not scary. I couldn't do anything to help. You kept saying don’t let them in and that I’d leave you.”
He shook his head and buried his face in his hands.
I placed my hand on his back and rubbed in soothing circles, hoping he would talk to me.
“Ryan used to make me hide, so Grandpa couldn't find me. I guess if we had been found Ryan could have been charged with kidnapping. But I tried to hide from Grandpa Chase, and a lot of the time I managed it but sometimes I was too fucking slow to get away. He started beating Ryan to such extremes I...I didn’t want it...I swear...but I had no choice.” He pinched the top of his nose. I pulled him to me, resting his head against my shoulder. “I was terrified he would hurt Ryan so bad that he wouldn’t wake up like my mom, so I...did things...to him, to Grandpa.”
“You don’t have to say anymore, Johan.”
“But Ryan hated it and would cause fights, he would follow us and start fights in the boathouse. Grandpa sent him away but he wouldn’t back down. Then Ryan and Will made a plan and took me away, we escaped to Will’s house and I used to hide. I’d only come out if Ryan told me it was safe. He promised Will wouldn’t hurt me, but I still couldn't trust him. It used to hurt so fucking much what they did to me in that boathouse, watching them beat Ryan until he pissed himself. Watching the other kids...” He shook his head. “But it hurt so much more to let people into here.” He tapped his chest. “And then to have it all ripped away from me. My momma was taken from me, then Ryan, I thought for sure Eve was next. I can’t let people in, Lou, because it hurts so fucking much when it’s gone. And I’m the reason bad things happen. Mom was happy with Dad until I was born, Ryan...he was...if he hadn’t tried to protect me he wouldn’t...”
I pulled him to me and pressed my forehead to his shoulder.
“How did Ryan die?”
“I don’t have the specifics. I think I was about ten when he went into the Marines. At first he came home on leave regularly, but then it was less and less. When 9/11 happened he was deployed to Afghanistan. He was out there months without a letter, which wasn’t unusual when he was sent overseas. But it was the longest he had ever gone without any contact at all. After a year passed, I started panicking. Mama-su and Dad tried contacting the military and some of his buddies but because we weren’t next of kin or directly related they gave us shit. Mama-su and Dad never officially adopted Ryan because he’d reached legal age but they were essentially his parents, they loved him like a son.
“I was convinced he would have contacted us if he was okay. So I went to Grandma Violet’s house. Will and Dad went with me. God, I remember almost having a breakdown when they pulled into the driveway, Dad had to keep stopping the truck so I could calm down. Talk about a house of horrors. The immaculate lawn was still tended to even though she lived there alone. It was like no time had passed at all, only Ryan and Kyle’s trucks were missing and Grandpa’s Escalade wasn’t there.” He took a deep breath then continued. “Anyway, Will and Dad talked me down. When the old fucking witch opened the door she laughed. She went all psycho on my ass and started shouting at me saying that it was my fault all her boys had been taken away, it was my fault that Grandpa was in the pen, and it was my fault her boys were in foster care. Then she screamed at me that it was my fault Ryan was dead.” He stood up and paced the room pulling at his hair. “No leading into it, she didn’t care the boy who raised me and put his life on the line to protect me was gone. She just blurted it out. Dead!” He pulled his hair again and I heard him choke on a sob.
“I fell to the floor, just crumpled. She laughed again, and started telling me in this scary maniacal voice how he’d died. She shouted about it being my fault he enlisted and was sent over there. If Grandpa had been home he would have kept his boys safe.” His voice cracked. “She had a point, Grandpa would never have allowed Ryan into war. If he had been home Ryan would be a football star not fucking dead.”
I shot to my feet and grabbed hold of him. “No, no, I’m not listening to that. Your grandpa would have killed all of you. Maybe not physically, but what he was doing to you was slowly killing you inside, Johan. He destroyed the family, not you. And she was no better for protecting your grandfather.”
He di
dn't reply, just remained still and silent like a statue.
“Johan.” I cupped his cheek.
“I remember Dad shouting at her to shut up. Will sat on me, covered me with his body trying to block out her words. But I heard every word. She hated me so much, Lou. That family was my flesh and blood and they tortured me. Why? What did I ever do?” he asked hopelessly.
I fought my desire to burst into tears. I wanted to be strong for him, but bloody hell it was a nightmare.
“Why do I tell you this shit?” He looked at me. But it seemed a question more to himself than me.
“I don’t know,” I whispered. He closed his eyes as I caressed his cheek. “It’s a connection I can’t explain.”
“Me neither and it kind of scares me.” He lifted his hand and covered mine. “I give you so much of myself and I haven’t done that before. I don’t let people in, Lou, bad things happen when I do.”
“I like that you let me in. I’m incredibly honoured that you do. ”
“You don’t think I’m some sick weirdo?”
“Well yeah, but that was before you told me about your past,” I joked.
He snorted a laugh and pulled me to him. I pressed my cheek to his chest and listened to his beating heart.
“I swear I’m not like them. I have their blood, but I’d never do that to my little buddy.” He pressed his hand to my stomach.
“That thought never even entered my head,” I said earnestly. I had never once doubted Johan’s sincerity and gentle nature.
Just then we both froze as baby bean moved under his hand.
Johan
I stopped breathing, held my breath and didn't dare believe what I was feeling. Then it did it again. My lungs burned from holding my breath, my heart pounded in my ears and my pulse throbbed at my neck. I let out a breath urgently, not able to hold it any longer. A more forceful push against my hand.
“Bean’s moving,” she whispered.
I looked up at her to see tears shining in her eyes. I couldn't speak. My little buddy, the one I’d seen moving on screen was touching my hand. He kicked again and Lou let out the most adorable giggle. I smiled at her and moved my hand a little, using my fingers to tickle against her sweater top. He responded by kicking me.
I dropped to my knees in front of her and covered her stomach with my hands, cupping her tiny swell of skin. I moved my fingers to the hem of her top and looked up at her for permission. She hesitated, watching me before nodding. I lifted the hem of her sweater and pressed my lips against her exposed skin. She sucked in a breath but it didn't stop me. I turned my head and rested my cheek against her stomach. She laced her fingers through my hair, entwining our bodies together.
“Hey, little buddy, I can’t wait to meet you. I need your permission for something important.” I took a deep breath and smiled. “I want to ask if it’s okay to date your momma.” I paused when her fingers stopped in my hair. My little buddy pressed against my cheek again and it was the best fucking feeling in the world. I pressed a kiss to her stomach hoping I wasn’t kissing his ass; then again, if he didn't want me to date his momma maybe that’s what he was doing. “You’re not making me kiss your ass, little bud, are you?”
Lou giggled again. “If he’s in position, it should be his head near there. And why am I saying he, it could be a girl.”
“Nah. You’re a boy aren’t ya, buddy?” He kicked again.
I stood up quickly and manoeuvred Lou to the couch, motioning for her to sit down at the end. She did and I quickly laid down across the couch and put my head in her lap with my head against her stomach. She smiled and threaded her fingers through my hair again. I ran my index finger in smiley face patterns over her stomach, watching as her skin moved like rapid little waves. “So, little man, you listening up, we gotta take care of our girl here. You and me, we have to be a good team. You watch my back I watch yours. She’s a feisty sort is your momma.” She slapped at the back of my head and I laughed. “See what I mean?”
I pressed another kiss against her skin, then ran my hands over the area I assumed he was. “You’re the luckiest kid alive, to be coming into this family and having a momma like Lou.”
“Johan,” she whispered.
I moved away and pulled her sweater down. I sat beside her on the couch and stared down at my hands.
“Sorry, that was a dorky move,” I said, feeling like a dick.
“No, it wasn’t, it was sweet, I liked it. It was nice having someone care,” she said so quietly I almost missed it. I turned to look at her and saw her cheeks were pink, she wasn’t looking at me.
“Lou?”
“What?”
“Don’t do that? Don’t hide, tell me what’s on your mind.”
She sucked in a breath and looked away from me. I expected a lippy retort, but it was quite the opposite.
“I just...I didn't expect a fanfare after announcing I was pregnant, but I didn't expect this either.” She cleared her throat. “I didn't expect to raise a kid alone, to have the baby’s dad turn into a total arse-wipe and have rumours spread around that I'm nothing but a cheap tart. And I certainly didn't expect the most annoying man I’ve ever met to turn out to be the sweetest man alive either.”
“Aww, come on, Dominic isn’t that annoying.” I laughed when she dug her elbow into my ribs. “Why do you think you’re alone? I’m here, Eve’s only fifteen minutes away, you have great parents.”
She let out a long breath. “It’s not the same as sharing it with someone you love.”
“I suppose that’s true. But maybe we could get to that point.”
Her attention snapped towards me. “What?”
“You and me, maybe we could...” I shook my head and pulled away. “No you’re right, ignore me.”
She reached out and gently touched my arm. “Please tell me what you were going to say.”
“I know I’ll never be his dad,” I said, pointing at her bump. “But I’d like to be here with you both, in a similar capacity.” My face heated and I felt like such a pussy for saying all this shit.
“Why?”
“Because I think of nothing else but you. I see a future, I see something beyond simply surviving life. I see myself living it. I’ve never dared to think I could have more, I never...you make me want more. It both terrifies me and excites me. But I think finally I have something I could be brave for, someone I would want to be brave for, to take that chance.”
When I lifted my head to look at her a single tear tracked down her alabaster skin.
“Why are you crying?”
“I’m confused I guess, and scared. I loved Darren, a lot, and I thought we were it. He was my future, I thought one day we would get married and have kids.” She shook her head disgustedly. “Obviously I skipped a stage.”
“So you’re telling me you’re still in love with Darren.” My stomach twisted in agony.
“That’s the thing. I’ve been with him for years, he’s been at my side. It’s been Darren and Lou, Lou and Darren for so long I don’t know how to be anything else.” She let out a frustrated huff. “I loved him, I really did, I suppose part of me still does. You don’t just switch it off. It hurt how he reacted, but it destroyed me knowing he wanted me to terminate baby bean.” She caressed her stomach protectively. “But it didn't hurt as much as it should have when I realized we were over. It felt right. Like we had reached the end and there was nowhere else to go. No drama, no heart-wrenching breakup. It just ceased to exist. I think of him and I think what an annoying twat he was. But he’s the father of my baby and I feel like it’s necessary to cling to our relationship. Like I shouldn’t give up.”
“So you want...” I swallowed the lump in my throat; she was killing me. “You want to make it work with him?”
She laughed and shook her head. “I don’t think so, no. The point I’m trying to make and messing it up is...I was with Darren for years, and I should have been heartbroken. I’ve known you a few months, but it terrifies me because I thin
k if I let you in, and open my heart to you, and if you walked away I...I don’t think I’d recover from that. The day I came over here to tell you about Eve, when Emily was here...that gutted me.”
“We weren’t doing anything, I swear.”
“I know that now. But it shocked me how I reacted, then you held me and...”
I tilted my head to watch her, hoping she would continue.
“I feel happy in your arms, Johan, like I...like we fit perfectly. God, I am so not a mushy crap kind of lass. It’s not sexual, although you are pretty hot, okay major knicker-wetting hot, but it feel more with you. Like even without sex and stuff I’d be happy with you, content and safe. I’d have everything I need between you and baby bean. And that scares the shit out of me.” She let out a shaky breath then squared her shoulders. “You say a witty remark and I’m going to kick you in the balls.”
I laughed loudly, and put my arm around her shoulders. “Only you could say something so cute and finish it with threatening my boys.” I kissed her temple. “If it helps any, I feel the same about you.”
Chapter 12
Louise
I couldn't believe I’d just admitted all that. It felt natural to tell him, to explain how I felt. And I wasn’t exaggerating when I said I was terrified of how I felt about him. It had blossomed from instant attraction, to annoyance, back to annoyed attraction to full blown I want to ride the Johan train. And had I just used the word bloody blossomed? Shit on a brick, it’s official, I’m finally losing it.
I’d fought against my attraction to him, but that was easy when I thought he had a thing for Eve. I could never be a replacement for my sister. Eve is gorgeous, she has a radiant light about her that sucks you in. I’m not exactly bulldog chewing on a wasp material, but I’m not conceited enough that I can’t admit I have faults in the looks and personality department.
Surviving Love (Surviving #2) Page 19
