“Why?” The giddy butterflies fluttered around in my stomach.
“I can survive as long as you’re nearby. You make me feel alive, in here.” He tapped his chest. “I feel so hopeful that there’s more for me than simply existing. I’ve been a selfish bastard needing you close, needing you to be mine, but if it means losing you altogether I would rather keep us as friends. I will give this up if it means I get to keep you.”
I cupped his face, watching the raw emotion pouring out of him. It was beautiful and I suspect a rare thing for him to open his heart like that.
“You’re infuriating, annoying, a total gob-shite, and create the shittiest nicknames in the history of nicknames. You have the sexiest body I’ve ever seen and you make my toes curl when you kiss me. I’m not going anywhere. If you want me, I’m...no...we are yours.” I held my hand over baby bean.
“Seriously?”
“No, I was kidding.” I laughed when his face fell. “Your body isn’t that sexy. I’ve seen better.”
He tutted and pulled away from me. “Pu-lease. I’m smoking and you know it.”
I pushed at his chest and laughed.
“Why did you run from me? Was it because...your mum said I triggered something.” I pulled away to look him in the eye, hoping to convey my sincerity. “I didn’t know. What I said was a joke, I swear if I’d have know I never would’ve said it.”
“Lou.” He held up his hands to placate me. “You can’t apologise for something that isn’t your fault, I keep telling you I’m fucked up, my head isn’t normal. I’m a—”
“You say freak and I’m chopping your nads off.”
He smiled and pulled me into him, wrapping his arm around my shoulders, and cradling my head to his chest. He took a deep breath and ran his hands through my hair. I closed my eyes and breathed a sigh of relief at being in his arms.
“My grandpa used to call me his special boy,” Johan began, “and we had this sick twisted special friendship. Essentially it meant I was his sex toy. He used to promise if I...did things to him my mom would come back, that if I pleased him he would bring her back. I was only four, desperate for her to come back. I didn’t understand what death was, I thought he really would bring her back. But then I grew up a little, realised the bastard was lying, and let him starve me instead of doing as he said. But then he used Ryan against me, he would stop hurting Ryan if I...the shit he made me do—”
“Honey, I don’t need to hear this. You don’t have to tell me. The man was evil, a fucking devil. What happened wasn’t your fault, you participated under duress, and you were a confused and frightened little boy. Do you think I believe any different? Because what I see is a man I am immensely proud of, a man who has battled his entire life just to wake up in the morning. You stood beside my sister, you saved her, and then moved into my home to keep me safe.”
“I never wanted you to see me like this, I never wanted you to know about my nightmares and what a fr...dick I am.”
I opened my mouth to offer a sarcastic retort but he covered my mouth with his hand.
“Just keep quiet, I can read your mind, Lou.” He chuckled and kissed the tip of my nose. “I managed to hide the darker side of me, but when Eve said she was worried about you being alone, and that Elliott threatened to hurt you, I couldn't hide. I needed to protect you more than I needed to protect myself.”
I stood on my tiptoes and pressed my lips against his. “Thank you.”
“I couldn’t stand to lose you.”
“You won’t,” I said quietly before kissing him again. I pulled away and held him at arm’s length, I couldn't help tracking the movement of his biceps, the dips and curves of his tight skin. My gaze wandered down his chest, to his defined torso, with yummy grooves highlighting a toned stomach. Then my eyes widened when I noticed he was wearing a towel, a plain white towel casually tied around his hips. Holy frigging man flesh he had the indents. The ones you hear about in all those romantic sappy books Eve reads. Just over his hips were two delicious curves –
“Eyes up, sunbeam.”
“My eyes like those better than your face,” I said, pointing at his lick-able V. Seriously how the hell did he get a body this edible? I’d give up chocolate if I got to lick those daily.
“You’re making me feel cheap.” He chuckled.
“Yeah well, stay quiet, I’ll pay overtime, you’re spoiling the effect with your mouth,” I snapped, trying to sound annoyed, but I ruined it by smiling.
He started laughing but immediately stopped and I heard him gulp when I reached out to run my fingertips over the bumps of his abdomen. He shivered and his skin pimpled with goose bumps. I slid my fingers down stopping only when I reached the towel around his waist. The fluffy fabric a stark contrast to the silk of his skin.
“Lou.” His deep gravelled voice heated my insides. I moved one hand and with my index finger I traced the dip of his glorious V, I started at one side, tracing my finger across the seam of the towel to the other side. A protruding vein under his navel pulsed, teasing me to bend and lick it into submission.
“Lou.” He growled, and I looked up into his indigo eyes. The intensity stole my breath, I was held captured by the lust swirling in the deep blue depths.
I didn't want to speak. Instead I slipped my fingers into the edge of the towel and tugged him towards me, sealing my lips to the centre of his chest. I peppered open mouthed kissed all over his smooth skin. His hand cupped the back of my head and held me to him, a deep rumbling in his chest urging me to continue. A dark pink nipple pebbled, begging me to lick it, so I poked the tip of my tongue out and flicked it teasingly. His loud moan and the tight fist grabbing at my hair was all I needed for me to do it again.
I reached around his back, clawing at his tight muscles, feeling them flex and ripple under my hands. I pressed an open mouthed kiss over his heart. Johan gripped my hair in a tight fist and pulled my head away, taking possession of my mouth. He lunged forward, pressing his full body inch by inch against mine. His tongue delved deep and desperately into my mouth, lapping at me. The noises he made were killing me, I clenched my thighs together to abate the throbbing need but nothing worked. I had to have him.
A deep moan sounded in his throat and my body flamed. I pressed against him feeling the cotton of the towel tenting an impressive erection. He pulled me to him and started walking backwards, tugging me along with him.
He threaded his fingers in my hair and pulled gently to expose my throat before kissing his way down my neck, nibbling at the skin, sucking at my collar bone. I scraped my nails against his hot skin and smiled when he hissed my name. He slid his hands under my bottom and lifted me to him, I wrapped my legs around his waist, pulling him tight to my core. I wanted to scream out with the sensation of his hard length pressing against me.
He laid me down gently on his bed and covered me with his body, carefully holding his weight away from my stomach. He pulled his warm lips away from me and I whimpered at the loss.
“Lou.”
I cupped his face when I saw the agony in his eyes. “You don’t have to, I mean we don’t have to, if this isn’t what you want.” I watched the anguish on his face. I could feel his arousal so I knew that wasn’t a problem, but I also knew things were seriously complicated when it came to intimacy. Maybe he needed more time to relax into a sexual relationship.
“I’ve never...” He paused, closing his eyes. “I want to. It’s just...” He let out a shaky breath before opening his eyes and fixing me with a heated stare. “I’ve never been with a woman.”
“You’re a virgin?” I asked, shocked that such a gorgeous man would be.
A pained look crossed his face and I wanted to cry because I knew in that instant he was back in his nightmares, the place his innocence was brutally stolen. Tears played in his eyes, sparkling against the intense blue of his irises. He dropped his forehead against my beating chest.
“Do you want me?” I asked quietly.
“God yes,” he choked
, lifting his head to look at me just as a tear tracked down his cheek. I lifted my head and pressed a kiss to his jaw.
“Make me yours.” I pressed kisses down his throat, loving the scratch of his stubble.
“Lou...”
“I ache for you, Johan, I need you inside me. Make me yours. Take what you need,” I begged. I ran my hands down his smooth back, his muscles jumping under my ministrations. I squeezed the globes of his arse before pulling the towel away.
“I want this...” I wrapped my fist around his impressive length. “Inside me. Make love to me.” I pumped his cock and smiled when he rocked his hips into my hand. I could feel the heavy weight of his balls against my fingers.
“God...” He gasped, pressing his forehead to my chest. “You need to...Lou...I’m going to...you have to stop.” His voice was laced with desire and need and I wanted nothing more than to continue and drive him wild, but I also knew I was balancing a very fragile line with him. I released him like he asked to prove he could trust me and smiled at his shuddering breath fanning against my chest. His back heaved with his deep breaths. Silently he reached out and opened the bedside drawer pulling out a new box of condoms. He used his teeth to break the cellophane before clumsily pulling out a square foil packet.
He placed it on the bed before pressing his mouth aggressively to mine. In the kiss I felt his need, his pain, his desire and fear. It was truly a powerful feeling. His body shook with uncontrolled dread; I sensed this was a step he had spent years avoiding, rather than not having the opportunity.
I cried out when his mouth latched onto an over-sensitised nipple, through my shirt. “Sorry,” he whispered, pulling away.
“Don’t you dare,” I warned, tugging my shirt over my head. I unfastened my bra, exposing myself to him. Cupping the back of his head I urged him back to my breasts. His deep chuckle sent shockwaves to my core. He sucked and swirled his tongue around my hardened nipple before biting gently as I cried out his name. There was no finesse, no refined confidence in how to pleasure a woman, he was simply doing what his primal need urged him to do, and I can admit it was an incredible turn on. He gripped roughly at my thigh and I welcomed the bite of his fingers. His other hand was above my head, and I could feel his body vibrating with tension.
“I’ve watched these beauties get bigger and dreamed about doing this.” His voice was thick with need, before showing the same attention to my other breast.
A deep pull in my core sent my mind on overload and I fought for control. I needed to be in control, this was supposed to be about him not—
“Oh God!” I moaned as he sucked hard and pressed his erection against my wet core. He must have been able to feel how soaked I was through my leggings.
“Does that feel good?” he said as he kissed his way up to my mouth.
“What do you think?” I groaned and lifted my hips against his, pressing against him.
“Can I take your pants off?”
“I may kill you if you don’t.”
Slowly he slid down my body taking my leggings and knickers with him. He smiled and stared at my exposed centre. I wanted to squirm and hide from him, but I talked myself out of it. He had exposed himself far more than my naked body, I had seen in his soul and his heart.
“Perfect,” he whispered, as he slowly kissed his way up my thighs, across my hips. Then he pressed a tender kiss to my stomach and smiled before pressing a slow drugging kiss to my mouth.
“Are you sure?” I asked, cupping his face.
“I’ve wanted you from the moment you called me G.I. Johan. I just knew I never deserved you,” he said, and my throat closed with emotion.
“You are more than I ever deserved,” I said honestly, because it was true. He was far better than any fantasy I could ever dream.
His eyes glistened with tears. “Promise me, Lou, I won’t spoil you?”
“I swear it.”
“I couldn’t...you’re too important for me to...”
“Make me yours.”
He let out a low groan before reaching for the foil packet with shaky hands.
Johan
She was going to kill me, it would be a sweet as hell fucking death because tonight my time was up because of this feisty little minx lying beneath me. I was heading to hell, but I was going out with my dick in heaven.
“Johan!” She panted beneath me and I paused, holding the condom at the tip of my cock. I couldn't do anything but stare at her, she was spread beneath me, her chestnut hair fanned out on my pillow, her eyes bright and silky like melted chocolate and her fucking mouth, all swollen from kissing me. I leaned forward and captured her mouth again. This right here was heaven, no fucker was taking this memory from me.
“Now, please,” she begged and I nearly came there and then.
I rolled the condom on and positioned my hard dick between her folds. Jesus she was beautiful, I never imagined I would feel like this. Like it was meant to be, she was meant to be. All mine.
I rolled my hips against her. God she was warm, I closed my eyes, fighting off the sensation to either shoot my load or run and hide in the bathroom. I froze when her soft hand cupped my cheek.
“Open your eyes, honey, I want to see those beautiful blues when you’re inside me,” she whispered, running her thumb across my lip.
I opened my eyes, captivated by her. My chest near damn exploded with how I felt about her. She was the first woman to break through, the first to claim my heart and the only one I wanted in my bed. I pressed my hips against her and the tip of my cock slid into her. She arched her back and gasped. I paused, terrified I was hurting her.
“Don’t stop!” she practically screamed.
“Am I hurting you?”
“Only by stopping.”
I pushed in farther and gritted my teeth, she was clamping down on me and squeezing my cock, there was no way I could make this last.
“I...I want to be good, but I won’t...oh fuck me...Lou, I’m not going to last. Let me...I want to be...” I pressed my face into her neck and sank into her fully. God, it really was heaven. All those times I’d listened to Ryan and Will talking about sex I never thought what they were saying could be true, that being like this would feel so good.
“Johan.” Her voice came out in desperate pants and I loved that I was doing that to her.
My arms shook as I held myself above her, not wanting to crush her. I looked down her body to see where we were joined and fear slapped me in the face. I froze as my eyes fixed on where my body entered hers.
All of a sudden I felt sick, how could I allow my need for her to overshadow my common sense? How could I violate her with my despicable body? She was perfect and I was disgraceful. My breaths were coming out in choppy gasps as I tried to regain my control. I started to pull out when she grabbed my ass and pulled me into her.
“Johan?” she said, and I felt her hand cup my face. I opened my eyes and looked at her. She was regarding me with such concern I wanted to howl at what a bastard I was for doing this to her.
“What’s wrong? Did I do something?
I shook my head and tried to pull away again as tears threatened to spill down my face. What a fucking pussy.
“Honey, it’s just us.”She wrapped her legs around me and she pulled me into her. Her arms wrapped around my back and held me to her.
Why was she holding me like this? Did she not see what a freak I was? In a lightning fast move, I don’t even know how the fuck she did it, but I was on my back and she was straddling me. Her gorgeous tits ripe for the taking. I closed my eyes, needing this to end.
“Lou.”
“It’s you and me, make me yours.”
“Lou.”
I clenched my jaw shut when she lifted her hips and slowly, oh so fucking slowly, slid down my cock. “Fuck. Me,” I gasped.
“Oh, honey, I intend to.”
I opened my eyes to look up at her. She had that sassy little smile on her face, but she closed her eyes and threw her head back when
she rose and sank back down, pumping my dick with her wet pussy. She was my every fantasy come to life.
I grabbed her hips and forgot why this was wrong. I needed her, and for once I was taking what I wanted, damn the consequences.
***
“Talk to me,” she said softly.
My softening dick was still inside her. She was on top of me, panting, her breaths fanning against my clammy chest. I had the goofiest grin on my face, because let’s face it, I had just gotten laid for the first time. It felt fucking fantastic.
“Sorry it was a little quick.” I swallowed; I knew it should have lasted longer.
“Do you hear me complaining?”
“No? There really is a first time for everything.” I laughed when she slapped at my chest. She rested her chin above my heart, a dreamy expression on her face. I threaded my fingers through her tangled hair and smiled. I had put that look in her eyes, I had given her bed hair.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
I nodded, but I couldn't fight the sick feeling, the foreboding crashing in my stomach.
“Talk to me.”
I shook my head but spoke anyway; this woman had a way of dragging the truth out of me. “I’m contaminated. I’m terrified I’ll spoil you. What we just did...”
“It was amazing. How can you spoil me?”
“By being inside you.” My cheeks heated, I couldn't look at her. She was perfect and I was this ugly spoiled freak.
“Honey.”She chuckled and I felt her warmth grip my cock, waking it from its slumber, and both of us groaned together.
“That feeling,” she began, moving her hips against mine. “Did you enjoy it?”
I closed my eyes tightly. “God yes.” I moaned when she lifted her hips again. “But I’m a fucking freak.”
“No!” she said loudly, cupping my face and turning me to face her. I stared into her chocolate eyes and wanted to bawl at the concern there. “You are not a freak, stop calling yourself that. Maybe we went too fast, moved onto sex too quickly. But I want to be intimate with you, I want to touch you, and have you touch me. You are not spoiled, you’re magnificent, strong, and the bravest man I’ve ever met.” She winked and I couldn't help but smile.
Surviving Love (Surviving #2) Page 21
