by S. Ann Cole
But focus still didn’t come in full force as I’d expected, because my independent mind kept wandering off with thoughts of Natalio. And with each thought of him a part of me sank. No longer could I resist the love that I have for him. No longer could I fool myself that I could move on from him. No longer could I bear this sequestration. I wanted him back. I wanted him to come after me again so I could say yes. I wanted him to call, to text, to email me and I wouldn’t ignore them this time. I promise I wouldn’t.
But I knew he wouldn’t do any of the above. Because he’d promised me he wouldn’t. And I had felt the finality in his letter. I knew it was the end.
I didn’t want it to be, though.
Incorrigible, fractious, obstinate, prideful, pig-headed and unrepentant are a few of the words that teeth and tongues have used to describe me. And I have never believed in chasing or begging. Have never done so. ‘I’d rather die before that happens’ was what I’d always say. But now I had an urge that I couldn’t repel, to go against my own rules and call Natalio. Beg him to come back to me. Because I loved him. The feelings for him that my mind had forgotten for seven years, were right there, living and dwelling inside my heart. It had never left. He had left. The memories had left. But my love hadn’t.
All my fears over the years of not wanting to put myself out there to fall in love with anyone were now understood. It wasn’t fear of not wanting to fall in love. It was because I couldn’t fall in love with another. Because I already belonged to someone. And my heart was waiting on my mind to remember that.
But did he still love me?
Will it be too late?
“Called him yet?” Kelsy walked out on the balcony in a fluffy pink robe, her dark hair damp from her shower and her green eyes traced with sadness. I knew she was worrying over Tevin.
“Don’t have the balls,” I muttered.
She smiled. “Yeah. I know how sniffy you can be. But if you love him, you should let him know. Nothing’s wrong with being vulnerable with the one you love. Love calls for vulnerability, openness and truths. Not pride and shutters and pretenses of indifference. Real love has no lies, no masks, no secrets. It’s just you and that person, bare, from flesh to soul. With real love, it’s no longer bodies that you two share, but souls. Because the eyes have seen past all the fleshly flaws, and directly to the spirit, it’s no longer about tangibility. But that intangible feeling…that feeling that tells you: This is love.” Kelsy paused to wipe a drop of a tear that fell from her eye. “Makes no sense you keep punishing yourself like this. Call him.”
I nodded, not really wanting talk about this. Not only was it making me emotional, it was reminding her of what she had with Tevin. A thing, called love, that might possibly come to an end. “You okay?”
“I’m anything but. Just tryna decide if leaving Tev would be better for me or not,” her voice broke. “I love him so much. But what happened last night…” Tears strolled down her face.
“I know how you feel, Kels. I’ve been there. We know what’s right but the wrong feels better. Don’t worry about it. Just give it few days and when your mind is all clear and relaxed you’ll know what decision to make. Besides, Tev won’t be getting out anytime soon. I’m gonna visit him on Tuesday and find out how things are looking.”
She slashed her tears away. “I need a run. Going to the gym downstairs. Coming?”
I shook my head, “Nah. I still have a shit load of pieces to put together for the bidding.”
Kelsy nodded and walked back into the apartment.
Taking a deep breath, I steeled myself and dialed Natalio. A woman answered on the second ring with a smooth, clear voice. “Natalio Nelson’s line, Tiffany Forbes speaking.”
Who’s Tiffany? I wasn’t expecting anyone to answer his cell phone.
“Hello?” the woman prompted.
“Um, pleasant good afternoon, Miss Forbes. I’d like to speak with Natalio, please.”
“Mr. Nelson is in a meeting at the moment. Would you like to leave a message?”
“Uh, yes. Tell him Sadie phoned. Sadie Francé.”
“Okay, will do Miss Sadi—” her eloquent speech stopped short. “Sadie Francé, you say?” And I think I sensed contempt in her tone.
“Yes.”
“Fine. I’ll be sure he gets your message,” she bit out. And the line went dead.
I stared at my Blackberry in bewilderment. That was not what I expected at all. Shrugging it off, I noted the immediate lightness of my spirit. I’d made the call. Progress. Would Natalio be happy that I called? I could only hope.
With the expectation of a returned call from Natalio later, I went inside and resumed my work. Much better focused.
Three hours later, there were no calls from Natalio. Sighing and picking up my Blackberry, I dialed him again. The same woman answered.
“Sadie Francé, again. Is Natalio still in a meeting?”
“Yes,” she replied curtly. “Mr. Nelson is a very busy man, Miss Francé. Is it important?”
Why did she stress the ‘Mr. Nelson’ like that as if I was being too personal calling him Natalio? “Somewhat.”
“Well, as I’ve assured you before, I will let him know you called.” Again, the line just went dead, without even waiting for my reply. If she was an assistant, receptionist, or whatever of his, she was a rather insolent one who deserved to be sacked. Maybe he was sleeping with her. At that thought, I cringed.
The sun set and the earth darkened and still there was no call from Natalio. Was this a sign that I should give up and try to forget him again? Was he really done? Wants nothing more to do with me?
With my hope candle still flickering, I continued with the preparation of my pieces for Monday. All night toiling was the plan, for there was an immense amount of work to be done. And I wanted Geo Lee to be proud of me. My mother to be proud of me. Mom. She’d sounded so lively and lifted when I called her today. She’d wanted to help me with putting these pieces together, but I wanted her to spend time paying more attention to herself since she hadn’t done so in ages. It warmed my heart and brought smiles to my face that she’d decided to fight for life and not give in to death. She was the only family I had, and I loved her to pieces.
The strong scent of coffee wafted beneath my nostrils and my lips curled up at the heavenly smell. I opened my eyes to find Kelsy standing over me passing a mug of coffee under my nose. A sudden pain lanced through my back when I lifted my head. I realized then that I’d fallen asleep around the working table. It was morning. Bright sunlight shone through the glassed-faced apartment.
“Good morning. Your body must be aching,” Kelsy said. “Here. Drink some coffee.”
After cricking my neck from side to side, I took the mug she proffered. “Thanks. You’re the best. I swear, if we didn’t have the same bodyparts, I’d marry you.”
Kelsy snickered. “There’s a lot of work. If only you’d let me help yo—”
“I don’t have enough material for you to mess up anything here, Kelsy. I can’t afford any wrong cuts and stitches.”
“I’m not that bad,” she pouted.
I brought the mug to my mouth and stared at her with an arched eyebrow over the rim while I sipped the coffee.
Kelsy burst into a laugh. “Those times you were just teaching me. I’m much better now. I like how magical it is to create stuff from just plain cloth. I’ve watched you do it for so many years and it’s the one thing I’m actually interested in trying. Plus, I’m opening a fashion store. I need to at least have some inkling.”
Kelsy was interested in nothing whatsoever except shopping and being with Tevin. It was a wonder she’d taken on this idea of opening her own store. She didn’t have to work or do anything. Just be mommy and daddy’s little girl. But, in truth, she’d always shown interest in what I do and was always making me aware of what’s in style and what’s out. Which helped me a lot in my sketches.
“Okay. I’ll let you help me today. But so help me God if you spoil anythin
g…” My words trailed off at the huge grin on her face and my eyes reached for the heavens. “I’m gonna shower.”
I cricked and bent and twisted my bones and joints into activity as I made my way to the bathroom. Natalio hadn’t called. Hadn’t texted or emailed me. And my heart faltered at every thought that he might actually be over me. Didn’t want to hear from or talk to me. I wasn’t the one who caused him pain, he caused me pain. I had every right to be mad at him. And he should be sorry. Why did he come back into my life then, if he would just give up on me weeks later?
He was right, maybe we weren’t meant to be together since we kept losing each other. Maybe we were fighting for something that’s not to be. Just that, he was the one who’d been fighting. I was too busy being angry, hurt and unforgiving. Maybe he was just really tired of fighting. Tired of it all. I hadn’t any idea what had happened that night and I’d showed no interest in wanting to know, when I should have.
I stepped into the shower ‘resolved’ on never calling him again, and stepped out with a fresh mind and the driving urge to call him. I think I was going crazy. Yes, Natalio was driving me insane. Was this how he felt when I wouldn’t talk to him? I shuddered at that, because the feeling was awful.
In search of my cell phone, I strode out into the narrow hall, water dripping from my body as I grabbed up my Blackberry from the work desk then hurried off back to the bedroom, ignoring Kelsy’s curious gaze.
It was Sunday. There would be no assistants or whoever answering his cell on a Sunday, right? If he didn’t answer, then I’d know for sure he’s eschewing me.
With a steely resolve, I dialed. Natalio answered on the second ring, “Speak.”
My mouth went dry, unable to form a single syllable. By the time my recovering heart had began pumping blood again, and a coherent sentence came to mind, the line went dead. Jeez, he didn’t even give me a chance to speak. Didn’t he have my number saved or something? Did he or didn’t he know that it was me?
His line rang out when I dialed him again. Again I dialed and it rang out. Determined, I rang again and he answered with palpable irritation on the third ring. “Listen up, whoever you are, I have no time fo—”
“Natalio, it’s me. Sadie.” My voice was too weak and too small, so I cleared my throat.
There was brief silence on the other end. “Sadie?”
“Yes,” I said in more vegetated voice. “Why haven’t you called me back?”
“Called you back?”
“Yes. I called twice yesterday but a woman answered and said you were in a meeting. I gave her my name and told her to tell you I called.”
“My assistant, Tiffany. But she gave me no message that you called. Is everything okay?” His tone etched with concern.
“Yes. I’m fine. W-why would she do that?”
Natalio gave a careless sigh. “I might have an idea.”
My blood heated. “What’s that suppose to mean?”
“Don’t worry about it. Just email me next time. Your name is on my ‘Alert Me’ list. A list consisting of the people she should alert me immediately about if they tried to contact me. Everyone on the list is family and relevant business partners. She doesn’t know you, so she probably thinks…you know. But I’ll deal with her on that.”
“So why should it matter to her? She gets paid to do her job, doesn’t she?”
He ignored my question. “Are you sure you’re okay, Sadie? Need help with anything? I can’t say I expected to ever get a call from you.”
“Yeah, I’m fine. I was just…” I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t say that I missed and loved him. Wimp that I was. “…Wondering if you were okay.”
“Yes. I’m good,” was all he said, and made no attempt to say anything else.
Of course he’s okay, he’s a freaking mogul. Why the hell wouldn’t he be okay? Because of me? Ha!
Silence ensued on the line. Soft, controlled breathing responding to ragged and uncontrolled.
Courageously, I spoke, “I want to see you, Natalio. I want to talk about um, stuff and…”
Natalio remained silent, but his soft breathing grew heavier on the other end.
I wish I could see his face, I wish I were near him, to kiss his lips. To snuggle up in his arms and never leave them.
“I want you,” I finished. There, I said it.
His sharp intake of breath on the other end didn’t go unnoticed. It took an eon before he spoke again. “Sadie, I…”
What? You love me? You want me too? You can’t wait to see me? Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.
“I can’t.”
What? No! “Why?” I whispered. My voice was just audible.
“God dammit, Sadie! Why the hell would you do this?” he yelled, taking me by surprise. “Why would you call me now when I’ve finally moved on? Finally! Finally let you go? W-Why, Sadie?”
Speechless I was. “Natalio I didn’t—”
“I love you, Sadie. But I can’t. I just can’t.”
Hot liquid sprang from my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. He couldn’t say no. I couldn’t lose him again. “No,” was all I could say.
There was a loud clatter in the background, as if he’d knock something over or threw it, maybe. “Sadie, I’ve been drooping over you for seven damn years! Finally I get close to you again and you don’t remember me. You didn’t frickin’ remember me. I know it’s an illness that you suffered on my account. But still, do you have any idea how much that hurts? That you can look into my eyes and not recognize me? It pains, Sadie. It squeezes every bit of blood from my heart, leaving it blackened. Yet, when you finally did, you pushed me away. I’ve hung on to my love for you for seven goddamn years, only for you to push me away. I know you must have been hurt, but you have no idea how hurt I was, too! You didn’t give a shit to know what happened. You just pushed me out of your life and moved on happily. Now I’ve stepped away from all that shit, cleared my muddleheadedness, have finally moved on, and now you call to say you want me? It took you almost six weeks to know that you want me? Almost six weeks?” Natalio’s voice was weighty with anger, pain and incredulity.
“I-I’m sorry,” I stuttered. “But you can’t say it’s over. You don’t want it to be over, I know. It can’t be. I want you. I need you. I love you, Nelly.”
His voice came stolid. “I find that very hard to believe.”
“Why?” I sobbed. “It’s true!”
“Sadie, you’ve given away your car. You haven’t moved into the apartment. If you loved me so much, you would’ve been sticking to everything that reminds you of me.” I heard him inhale deeply then exhaled as if trying to calm himself. “You don’t love me. You. Never. Did. I don’t think you know what you want. And I don’t care to stick around and find out anymore.”
“Those are material things. They don’t matter. Why do you feel the need to buy me anything, anyways?”
“Because it bloody well pleases me to do so! I wanted to do those things because I wanted to be the one to make you happy. To give you the world. When you accept what I give, it gives me pleasure to know that I’m able to make you smile. Money helps me to show you my love in ways words alone can’t.”
“But it isn’t—”
“The poor man tells his wife every morning and every night that he loves her. She may be content with that, but he isn’t. Every night before he closes his eyes to sleep, what he wishes for is to get a promotion one day, or perhaps a better job, maybe to win the lottery, just so he could buy nice things for his wife; a better house, a better car, take her on a vacation, things to show her that he loves her. The rich man, grateful for his prosperity, does it with ease because he can afford to do so, and he’s extremely pleased that he can. Men do things like that to show their love. There’s no pity in it. It’s just love. Whereas a woman is happy with just hearing the words, a man feels more like a man when he can physically show his love. Men are active. Mere words doesn’t do shit for my ego. When you don’t accept what I give, I take it as a major insul
t. Especially if you claim that you love me.”
“You can make me happy by not giving up. My love for you is real, Natalio. Feel it,” I rasped. “My love for you is…indomitable.”
Natalio remained quiet, his exhales growing harsher by the second. Like velvet over steel was his voice when he said, “Guard your heart above all else because it will determine the course of your life.”
The line went dead.
Soaked was my face and my chest from tears. Amok they ran, resulting in an optical aberration. And I saw nothing but blur. Everything was a blur. And everything would perennially be a blur because Natalio didn’t want me anymore.
Nelly didn’t love me anymore.
I’ve lost him.
Chapter Nineteen
“Ninety-five thousand,” countered the third bidder.
“One hundred and ten thousand,” countered the fourth.
This was my last piece, a neon-yellow Spring shorts with bright green belt loops and squared, green front buttons. The tall blonde model did it more justice than it deserved. All but three of my modeled pieces had been tendered on, making me four hundred and twenty-five thousand dollars richer. The price was now at one hundred and twenty-five thousand dollars, and all bidders except one were stroking their chins in deep contemplation.
Being an exclusive show, there was just a small crowd of people apart from the five bidders and the eight fashion designers, including me. Nevertheless, everything was being executed like a real fashion show, with a huge white runway, blinding lights rowed in the high ceiling above, and soundtracks fitting for the walks. The models, make-up artistes and all were provided. All the designers had to do was dress the bony women in their pieces and send them out. I’d never expected it to be this much of a fuss, but I guess the bidders had to have that ‘atmosphere’ to get them in the zone.
