by Elena Monroe
I walked through the airport, not bothering to order a ride. The airport was normally flooded with Ubers, Lyfts, and taxis, ready to snatch up exhausted travelers. I wasn't exhausted, only my heart. There was a hole in my chest, carved with the name Hunter, like a damn calling card.
The sticky warmth that came early this year hit me, creating an instant kind of moisture on my exposed arms, just as my phone buzzed in my back pocket of my jean shorts. I pulled it out and read the message.
Mister: Straight ahead.
I looked up and saw Mister leaning against his car and smiling right at me. I didn't even question why he was there or how he knew what flight I took. All I saw was his perfectly salt-and-peppered hair, strong square jaw, and his shirt clinging to his mature body that came with years under your belt.
I let his arms scoop me into him, against his broad chest, as he whispered, “Trouble in paradise? We both know you needed a real man, my troubled girl.”
His palms slid into my back pockets pushing me into his crotch so I could feel how much I owned his libido. I had him wrapped around my finger, and my cherry red lips were only tying the knot.
“Something like that. Can you drop me off at my sister’s?”
I felt his hands squeeze the ass I did Pilates four times a week to get—another part of me I sculpted into what I wanted, instead of the second best failure I was born as.
“Let's get some breakfast first. I've missed you…” He finally let go, but I felt his hand still guide my back, as he opened the car door. When I was around him, his hands were never not on me—a new form of handcuffs, ones I was used to wearing. I didn't realize how much Hunter and I were alike until now—both under arrest and an early release for good behavior long gone.
Addi
Massachusetts
After breakfast, Mister dropped me off in front of Liz’s brownstone, minutes from Boston Commons. It was the lesser evil; my parents or a two hour cab ride back to Amherst was ideal. At least Liz wouldn't pester me for answers I didn't have or didn’t want to explore at 10 a.m. without any sleep.
All I wanted was to turn my phone off and crawl into bed. My body had been going since the afternoon I was lounging by the pool, until I realized Hunter wasn't going to ever get over Layla in his old bed. I couldn’t manage to fall asleep on the plane; I kept contemplating how I managed to screw up my life this badly.
At your own hands, crazy bitch.
I reached for the door handle to push open the door, when his hand covered mine, stopping me. “Tell me I'll see you tomorrow. I can barely get through the day without tasting you.”
My body stiffened under his hand, and for some reason, the sound of his voice pleading to see me tomorrow felt expected, no longer a question.
Mister went a few weeks without me, and suddenly everything about him seemed more greedy. He was no longer playing hard to get or protecting his family from seeing the flaw in his design.
I shook my head, trying to smooth out the concerned look on my face. “I have family dinner tomorrow. Nonnegotiable.”
“After, then… you'll be my midnight snack.”
His lips nipped at my neck, and I pulled on the door handle, squirming to get out of his grip. “I’ll text you.” I knew my words were leading him on, but everything about his desperation had me on edge. I hurried up her steps, ringing the bell erratically, hoping she'd answer so he could pull away from staring me down.
She opened the door, clearly frantic, while I heard her newborn crying in the background and her husband shouting, “Babe!” like she couldn't be MIA that long.
Must be nice, the one person missing you that you want to.
Her face screamed disappointment, looking just like our mom in this moment. They were carbon copies of each other—a shade of a dark tan, brunette hair, and small features that looked permanently pissed off. Wrenching her neck and gaze past me, she peered into the car that dropped me off. “Who's that? What are you doing here so early?”
I stepped in front of her eyeline, hoping he’d get the hint to drive away, when I heard the car pull away finally. “No one. Just a fling.”
“He's twice your age at least. What happened to Hunter?”
I pushed my way past her, dropping my suitcase at the door. I hoped because I was already inside she'd take pity on me. “Can I just crash here or not Liz? If I wanted to be interrogated, I would have gone to mom and dad's house.”
I noticed Liz was in a robe and could see Leon feeding their daughter in his arms, while shirtless. They both looked tired, unkempt, and under the pressure of being new parents. I was only adding to their burden.
“Yes, of course, Addi. I'm not gonna kick you out, and we have family dinner later anyways. You look dead. You might wanna sleep off whatever kind of night you had.”
I rolled my eyes. If you only knew the half of it…
I followed her to the kitchen, watching her help Leon with the bottle, gently touching his arm, and watching his eyes light up the same way as they did before they had a baby. No part of his love changed; it was unconditional.
I wanted that kind of love, but not with just anyone. I only had eyes for one man—one who had eyes for someone else.
Helping myself to coffee, I poured almond milk and sugar in the mug, needing the energy to make it up the stairs. I turned to Liz and asked, “What's the deal with Layla and Hunter?”
I knew Layla was one of her best friends and Hunter went to college with them both, meaning she had answers he wouldn't willingly give me.
She poured herself a cup of coffee before sitting at the island, tying her robe tighter around her waist, covering up the silk pajamas she had underneath. “I was waiting for you to ask me... they have history, a lot of it, but it's in the past. She's with Ollie now.”
Liz had a way in speaking fluent obvious. With me, it was even more fluent and annoying.
“Not when I met him. He was with her or whatever.”
“In college, Ollie and Layla kind of broke up. Everyone knew they'd end up together. In the meantime, Hunter kind of filled in.”
I sat down next to her, trying to understand how he got caught in the crossfire of their love story. “What a bitch. So, she used him to get over Ollie, then ended up with him anyways.”
Liz was neutral and trying to not take sides between two of her friends. Leon laid their newborn in the bassinet in the corner of her open kitchen, when he said, “Didn't he rape her in high school?”
My whole body felt defensive and protective when I soaked up his question. I looked at Liz with my eyelids half-mast and my mouth tight.
“Leon! Jesus. It's… complicated. They agree to disagree.”
I had enough of the history lesson. I took my mug and excused myself from any more damning information solidifying just how much of a villain he was. I didn't see him like that, and their words couldn't force me to. “I'm gonna pass out until dinner. Thanks for the crash.”
The guest room was impeccable—a clear touch of OCD and being our mother's daughter. My fingers searched for my AirPods, shoving them in my ears and picking ocean sounds to lull me asleep, just in case their newborn wanted to test her lungs and volume control. I swiped the “do not disturb” button, making sure Mister, Hunter, whoever… couldn’t bother me.
I woke up at 5 p.m., which wasn’t enough time to become parent presentable—hell, even public presentable. I didn’t let anyone see me in any way but perfect—bronzed, full face, no roots showing, and all the parts I paid for on display. I let my looks do the talking, listening, and filling the gap in my chest with fake admiration from strangers.
Yes, all because the people I wanted to love me… didn’t.
I sat up, turning my phone off “do not disturb” and went downstairs for more coffee to sip while I got ready, since the first cup did nothing to stimulate me.
That’s because you left the thing that stimulates you in Florida, bitch.
The voice in my head wasn’t ever nice, but today it was espe
cially sassy and determined to hyperdrive the self-loathing.
As soon as my feet hit the bottom of the stairs, I realized I still had my AirPods in and my eye mask pushed up into my hairline, still semi asleep, when I walked into the kitchen… to Hunter. He was sitting at the island with Liz. His messy blonde locks were pulled into a don’t care bun, and his jean jacket showed off a slender build with muscles you wanted to lick underneath. Spreading across his face was that stupid smirk I wanted to hate, but who was I kidding? That was the smirk he wore when he won, and right now I was losing. The only graceful loss I would take would be at the hands of that smirk.
I moved past him, like I simply didn’t see him, grabbing coffee and leaving the room again, only to hear him speak above a normal tone: “Addileigh.”
I paused, rolling my eyes and trying my hardest to act tough, like he didn’t break me and my heart. “What, Hunter?”
I heard the bar stool’s feet skim across the hardwood floor, and I knew he was moving towards me. I stood as still as I could, swallowing the nervous energy creeping up my throat, like acid reflux. I felt his body heat surging off of him, he was so close. “You ran off pretty quickly.”
I turned around, still hardening every part of me. “You didn’t really give me a choice, Hunter.”
He seemed confused when his eyebrows dropped, and his mouth pursed in confusion. “I’m here, aren’t I? Family dinner at 6. I’m trying, Addi.”
“I don’t know why. I’m not Layla, and you’re never gonna be over her, right?” My shoulders shrugged, while I talked, even though I wasn’t ever at a loss for words.
“What does Layla have to do with anything between us?” His question seemed sincere, but he knew exactly how much she had to do with us. He was having nightmares about her and waking up in the middle of the night; he was comparing us in his head; and when I said I loved him, he didn’t say anything at all.
He fucked me instead, hoping that spoke loud enough to keep me quiet. Love and sex aren’t synonymous. I could be fucked by anyone; Hunter was the one person I wanted more from.
I rolled my eyes, backing up, not letting him invade my space. “Call me when you’re over her. I have to get ready.”
He let me walk away again, making it halfway up the stairs when he shouted in my direction, “Addileigh, stop fucking walking away from me!” The anger in his voice was evident, causing me to stop altogether, not even fighting back the tears anymore. The hot moisture was staining my fake glow, and I felt my shoulders starting to tremble. Hunters unlaced combat boots stomped each step in anger, and I felt his chest against my shoulder blades.
“I wasn’t done talking to you…”
I swallowed again. Nervousness washed over me, when his lips hit my neck and his fingers pushed my hair to one side. I felt vulnerable in a way I hadn’t since before my transformation. “I’m not in love with Layla.”
More hot tears burned my cheeks, while I listened to his words, not sure if I would be able to muster any to say back without becoming even more of a mess. His hand snaked around my stomach holding me to him, and I froze, becoming rigid. I felt his warm breath against me again: “I didn’t wanna say it and make it real. I’m not ready to survive you.”
I spoke through a shaky breath and trembling through stringing my words together: “Survive me?”
His other hand snaked around me, with both arms holding me against his chest and letting his lips brush against my neck this time. “I won’t survive you, Addi. If we don’t work, I won’t survive it like I did Layla. You’ll be the death of me.”
A small smile tugged at my lips, even though the tears didn’t stop. Hunter just made a confession that would grant him a pardon.
I heard Liz’s voice from behind us both: “You better not hurt my baby sister, Hunter. I know where you live.”
We both laughed at her empty threat—not that my sister wouldn’t hit someone if you made her angry enough, but she loved us both too much to ever follow through. I tugged Hunters hand behind me, leading him to the guest room I took over and locking the door behind us. Privacy wasn’t a policy in my family.
“Pinky promise?”
Hunter sat down on the bed, pulling my legs between his wide legs. “Seriously?”
“Stop fighting me…” As soon as the words slipped out, he stared at me in a transparent way—one he never allowed before. I could see something setting in. What it was, I had no idea. “What? You always fight me… this… us.”
He pulled me down on his lap so that my ass fell right onto his thigh, and his hand found my cheek before pushing his lips into mine. There was nothing dangerous about this kiss; it was perfect. I still didn’t know what changed in that moment.
When he pulled away, only centimeters, he whispered, “I love you, Addi. Pinky promise.” He held up his pinky, waiting for mine, knowing just how serious I was when it came to promises and pinkies.
Everything about his voice was genuine and soft; it suited him. He had the voice of an angel, but the rap sheet of a villain.
“I love you, Hunter.” I held up my pinky between us, waiting for him to make the moves of twisting them together.
Still holding my pinky in his, he added to our promise: “While we’re at it, no more Mister. You've traded up.”
“About that...” I let my voice fade out, trying to find the words to explain how uncomfortable he was making me and how scared I actually was of his blackmail. “I think that's gonna be messy...”
His hand landed on my thigh and looked at me like I just spat in his face. “Addi.”
“He threatened to get me kicked out of school, and after the Ollie shit, the dean isn't going to take my side again. He knew I was wasn’t in Massachusetts, and he knew when I changed my flight... I never told him I even left.”
Hunter slid my legs off his lap, and I landed on the bed when he stood up. With his hands on his hips, his head hung between his shoulders. “So he’s blackmailing you… and stalking you? Where's your phone?”
“Hunter, what does that have to do with my phone?”
He snatched it from my hands, dropping it to the floor and smashing it under the heel of his boot, until it was shattered beyond repair. My jaw was slack in pure shock, waiting for him to explain. “He's gotta be tracking your location. Goddamnit, Addi. You should have never got involved with him.”
His disappointment choked up my vocal cords as I watched him resume his stance.
“I know you're young and reckless, but you have to be more careful. Why didn't you tell me this shit?”
He finally sat down, but not comfortably. He looked more tense than when he was standing. His elbows were digging into his thighs, and his head still hung low. Everything about disappointing the man I loved couldn't compare to my parents’ disappointment. No, this was so much worse, because I knew I was wrong and I could have prevented this.
I should have cut off Mister the minute I knew I was no longer just fucking Hunter.
I should have cut off Mister when he didn't take a hint at the silent treatments I had been handing out.
I shouldn't have used Mister to punish myself and accept some kind of deranged love I thought I deserved.
Hunter
I was livid. I was considering committing other crimes just to at least put my anger to work.
Mister wasn't just some fling who got off on pretty young girls; he was a predator hunting his victims and waiting for the perfect moment to strike. He was a coward who was going to meet the other side of my fist.
I listened to Addi confess how much he wasn't taking no for an answer and even about the blackmail. Her master list of dangerous to-do’s was now becoming my problem. He wasn't going to stop until he was stopped. Her luscious lips may have been the color of a stop sign, but one that begged you to blow through it.
“I can handle it. I don't need you to fix my problems.” She stood up frantically, probably from the detachment from her cellphone that was glued to her hand. She was eighteen, and I was p
ractically 30. That hadn’t really settled in until now.
She started undressing; my eyes were glued to every new patch of skin she was exposing. Her tan was fading from its deeper tone, and her hair was no longer perfectly smoothed down. She was a mess. I stood up, taking my jacket off and my shirt immediately after, as I watched her open the door to the bathroom, turning the knob for the shower.
Kicking off my boots and hearing her broken phone get kicked one more time made me wince. I stood behind her while she poked and prodded herself in the mirror. It made me wonder what she saw, because it couldn’t possibly be what I did.
My hands smoothed over her hips, pushing the fabric of her panties out of my way, while I kissed her shoulder. “I like you like this—yourself. You don't need all that shit.”
She continued to prod and ignore my fingertips sinking into her hips. She was memorized by flaws—ones invisible to me.
“But it got your attention, didn't it?”
His too.
My hand snaked up her skin, until I had my fingers around her throat loosely, stealing her attention and forcing her to look at me. “You think your fake tan and fucking lipstick got my attention? No, Addi. It was these gray eyes and how much you didn't want to be loved.”
Her eyes drowned in moisture; this was more powerful than any “I love you” would ever be for her, because she knew I was saying I loved every part of her, even the ones she considered ugly.
“Too bad. You’re stuck with me, babe.”
I pulled back, undoing my pants. My belt slapped her ass, and her stained red lips turned her frown into a smirk. She was corrupt down to her core. Parts of her accepted not being loved, and because of that, it meant there was no hope for me. That wasn’t a world I wanted to live in; I was gonna love her until it destroyed every ounce of self-loathing and hate she had in her.
I turned around after stepping out of my boxer briefs that had become snug around every inch of me. “Are you really gonna try to resist me right now?” I cupped myself in my palm, looking up through my eyelashes at her, waiting patiently for her will to break.
