by Brent, Amy
* * *
The day was successful, and our full camp was becoming more and more popular. I sat with Jacob, and he told me all about his day. We watched a kid's movie about robots and dinosaurs. The video kept Jacob entertained, and I was super-glad he liked it. It was a little weird for my liking, but the imagination of the producers was art, I supposed. There was a whole lot of “wow” and “awesome!” and “whoaaaa!” from Jacob who seemed content to watch it, right until the very end. Yep, we sat through all one hundred and twenty minutes of it.
“I like Angela too, Dada. She likes to play cars and trains. She likes pineapples and bananas.”
I laughed at his cute word for bananas. “She sounds great,” I said, watching him move to the table to draw.
He'd always loved drawing, and I had a scrapbook to put his pictures in. I wanted to give it to him when he got older, so he could have a glimpse of himself as an adult. My mom had done the same for me, and I found it special that she'd cared enough to take the time. I had drawn mostly cars as a child, but rabbits and turtles had also featured in starring roles.
I moved to the sink and washed my coffee mug as Jacob drew. He liked to use an assortment of colors, and I knew he'd be keen to show me when he was done. By the time I'd put the dishes away, he had a few drawings to share with me. The first was a blue jet that was high up in the sky, and it could do anything. The planet shot cannon balls and laser beams and “no one could get away if it wanted to get them.” The next one was of a robot called Trez. He had robot eyes and a big scary mouth because apparently, he was on “the bad team.”
My eyes lit up as excitement filled his voice. He was such a bright kid, even if he was shy sometimes. I think he was getting better at approaching other people, and kindy had been helping a great deal, and Mom's input too. Bless her.
There was one more drawing that I looked at. The picture was of two people standing next to each other and an X beside them. “What's this?” I asked, smiling at my son.
His eyes saddened as he looked at me, and I felt my heart slip into worry as he said the words, “I drew it at Nana's.”
I looked at the picture; there were two people with straight-lined lips. I was afraid to ask about the X, but, with kids being kids, I got the answer anyway.
“It's me and you, Dada. And the X is where Mommy was. She's not here anymore, so I have no mommy.”
I had to hold back my tears as he said the words. What a crushing thing to have to deal with when you were only four. I hated my ex so much for being the uncaring bitch she was. How the fuck she could leave without a trace was beyond me. I mean, sure, break up with me, but at least want to see your child. Fuck!
I remained calm, despite the anger rising inside. I never got that angry, outwardly. It was a three-dimensional mindset. “You can draw a friend in that spot instead. Like Nana, or even Angela your new friend.”
“Could I put Thomas there, he likes playing car smashup with me?”
I smiled. “Of course. You can draw everyone there, right next to you and me. You can have lots of people who love you in your picture.”
His face lit up, and he scrunched up the picture he'd drawn with the X on it. “I'm starting again, but this might take longer. Lots of people love me!”
I looked at the clock. We still had some time before he needed to go to bed. “You have half an hour and then it's teeth and story time.”
“Okay, love you.”
“I love you more!” I exclaimed.
He sat and drew a new picture, and he used every color of the rainbow. His new drawing turned out to be a masterpiece with about nine different people on the page.
After he'd finished, he brushed his teeth with the Timmy Timer, and we read about a lion that had lost his roar. “Lions don't lose their roar,” he said.
“Well, Loxton the lion did. I think he might've had a cold.”
“He should take a cough drop.”
“Yes, he should. You have a big day tomorrow, and the sun won't wait for you!” I said.
“Why doesn't it sleep longer?” he asked, now getting his sleepy eyes.
“I don't know, my gorgeous boy. Goodnight to the best boy in the whole world.”
“I love you, Dada.”
“I love you too, handsome. I'll leave the lamp on, and I've already vacuumed out any monsters, so you're completely safe.”
I tip-toed out and watched him dream. He loved to dream of wonderful things, and I would hear all about it when we ate breakfast together in the morning. It might be lions, or dragons, or mega jets, or robots, or anything else in between. I loved hearing about his amazing dreams; thankfully, there had never been any nightmares, unless a squirrel stuck in a laundry hamper counted.
I poured myself a glass of wine, and I felt grateful to be blessed with such a beautiful boy. He had a huge heart, and his friends loved spending time with him. My mother had made so much effort to make sure he adjusted well. She'd taken him to birthday parties and parks and had spent quality time with him. As a kid, I'd enjoyed my mother's friendship immensely; she had a certain way about her that made you feel so good. My life would've been very different if my mom hadn’t been there for me. I felt extremely lucky to be back in Colorado. There really was “no place like home.” Yep, it’s another line from the classic, The Wizard of Oz.
I really don’t like kid’s movies, though.
Lindsey
So far, the week had been playing itself out nicely. I’d felt more grounded and less confused about my feelings. Nicole had been a big part of that. She didn't focus much on guys; she was happy living her life. And if one came along and swept her off her feet, then cool. She wasn't going to go chasing after them like a dog chasing cars. I'm pretty sure that had been the analogy she'd given on the subject.
We sat at the end of the trail. We were having a picnic lunch and, so far, most of the women seemed to be having breakthroughs. There was one who still remained locked in her mind, focusing on something from the past, I surmised. I knew that look that she gave out all too well. She sat under a large tree and was still in the group, but far enough away to not really be “in” the group. I took my sandwich over and sat next to her.
“Hi Sasha, how are you finding the day so far?” I asked, watching as she gave me a semi-smile. I could tell she was a little shy, and she was trying to cope with something as well.
“Hi, I'm okay. I think it's really beautiful out here.”
“Are you managing to practice being in the moment? I mean, can you let everything else go, at least for the time being?”
She gave a look that showed me something had been bothering her to the point of harsh persistence, and it had crept up on her while she'd been here, it seemed. Earlier in the morning, we'd done a meditation about letting the past go and going with the flow.
“Well, I can't stop thinking about one particular part of my past. It's whirring around in my head all the time.”
I was happy she knew the issue immediately. I could help her more easily if she told me what it was. “Okay, can you tell me?”
She gave a smile. “Okay.”
I waited for Sasha to take a big sip from her water bottle; she looked ready to tell me what had been hindering her progress. We'd explained earlier in the day that the past could be great as a learning or knowledge point, but to hang onto it could act as a big block. Some people stayed stuck for decades because of past hurts or feelings, but in life, you had to move forward. I had learned that myself, especially when Ben walked out on our relationship. I could've stayed stuck and not done much at all. It was always a choice. However, if you didn’t learn that fact, your feelings could make you come undone, so there had to be a balance restored. Insanity or even suicide could occur, and it had for millions of people, historically speaking.
“Well, I keep thinking about my mom. She left my dad when I was six years old. I've been struggling with it for years because I always wondered if my life might've been different, you know, had she been ther
e.”
I hadn't expected such a tough past issue. This could leave a mark on a child for life, right through until adulthood. The child could easily grow up wondering what they'd done wrong. Sasha wasn't guilty of anything, and more than likely, her mother had left for reasons that were her own. Statistically speaking, this occurred ninety-nine percent of the time, and it rarely had anything to do with the child. I told her the statistics of it, and she gasped.
“Really?” she asked. “So, it wasn't because she didn't love me?”
I smiled at her. “Parents can get overwhelmed, especially when they're young. But, sometimes they run from themselves, not the situation. In fact, that’s why some people never settle down. They have so many hurts of their own that they just keep running to new locations, hoping that everything will get better. The truth of it is that they keep having the same problems because they haven't dealt with their own.”
“Oh wow, that makes so much sense. My aunt said that my mom’s been all over the world, living in different places. She never did come back home.”
My heart felt so sorry for this woman. She was in her forties and had never even known her mother. She'd been holding onto it for decades, and she had wondered if the reason had been because of her.”
“You know, we can't change who our family is, but we can live as our highest versions of ourselves so that we may find happiness. And, once we feel at peace, then we can help others to feel that too.”
“Wow, thanks so much. I think I can let go of her now.”
“Great. And like in the guided meditation you learned this morning, send her love and wish her well. We can't always understand the choices that others make, but we can still have integrity and let go of the shame or guilt we hold regarding them.”
Her blue eyes grew lighter. The sparkle had come back, and the heaviness had gone. “Lindsey, you're amazing!”
“I think you are. Now you can move on and be whoever you want to be!” I said, getting ready to move on for the rest of the hike.
Sasha happily joined the others, and Nicole moved to the front to lead the way. I remained at the rear, so no one got left behind. Everyone was happy, chatting among themselves, and then it hit me like a brick, smack bang and metaphorically in the face.
Jacob.
Ben's son was going to find himself in the same position, without a mother, wondering what the hell he'd done wrong. Damn it. Why did life have to be so fricken cruel?
My thoughts became interrupted as Sasha joined me again; she looked lighter and brighter still. “I did it! I finally let Mom go. I sent love and luck to her, and now I feel great! I really can't thank you enough.”
I felt so proud of the woman I'd only met a few hours ago. We could teach this methodology until the cows came home, but until they acted on it and gave the past their blessing, it was impossible for them to continue and feel free, totally free.
“You’re wonderful! Oh, how amazing that you've done it. You feel great now, don't you?”
“Aha, and I'm going to shout it from the rooftop when I get home, well, maybe not. Mrs. Crawley might not like that; she's my next-door neighbor. She doesn't like noise!”
I laughed. “I think she should mind her own business and let you feel free. It's your life, and as long as you do no intentional harm, I don't see why you can't. I mean, if you played The Backstreet Boys full blast outside her window then maybe she'd have cause for getting upset. No one really liked that band, did they?”
Sasha laughed so loudly at my joke. “Oh, that would be so funny. She hates Elvis. I could play back-to-back Love Me Tender and annoy her, just once.”
I laughed. “Now we're being really cheeky!”
“I feel absolutely alive for the first time in a very long while.”
“Great, we're nearly back at camp. I've really enjoyed this chat.”
“Me too, more than you'll ever know.”
* * *
I headed to my car and watched as Nicole drove off, she needed to get home and feed Marley, her Persian cat. He was one of those cats that set everything on an internal timer. He knew what time breakfast and dinner was, and he knew what time Nicole sat down to watch TV after dinner. He was definitely a Taurus. Yep, set in his ways, and loved the best of everything, including his overly-expensive cat food.
We'd made a joke about how fussy he was one night, and it was hilarious because he knocked over a vase right after we'd said it. The vase was filled with water and beautiful roses. He’d jumped about a mile into the air, and then he began chewing on the petals, which he didn't like. It was quite a funny evening.
I was about to get into my car when I saw dust as another car came rolling in. I hoped it wasn't going to take too long because I wanted to get to the store.
Then I realized it was Ben.
I still felt a little awkward about how I'd acted at his place, and with his son. I knew I should explain myself because we hadn't said much after it had happened. I felt myself get nervous as he parked and stepped out of his car. But he had this way about him that I found hard to explain. I loved the way he walked so casually, and his perfect smile. Then there were his gorgeous eyes Yes, everything was so damned yummy about him. His masculinity drove my femininity crazy, and I waited for him to speak as I got out of my car to greet him.
“Hey, I came by to see if you'd like to come for dinner tomorrow night?”
“Really?” I asked.
“Yeah.” He gave out his perfect smile.
I still felt weird about the way I'd acted, so I thought I should probably explain it to him. “I'm sorry about the way I acted the other morning. I feel like I need to explain.”
“Sure,” he said, his eyes lighting up.
“Well, I kinda haven't spent a whole heap of time around kids, and with what happened with Jacob's mom and all, I kinda didn't want to say too much. To be honest, I don't know how to act around him. I'm sorry I got weird.”
Ben gave me a kind smile, and he seemed relieved that I said those words. I think he thought that it was something else altogether. I don't really know what, but he looked better now that I'd said my piece on the subject.
“So, tomorrow night?” he asked, giving me that cheeky grin I liked so much. “Maybe you could get to know him a little more, you know, soon,” he said.
The words took me by surprise. I tried not to be hesitant. “Um, sure, that sounds nice.”
“You'll love it,” he said.
“Aha.” I felt that pull I always did when I was around him. I could've gone back to his place right at that moment. Those eyes, and that smile, oh, and that face with its shadow of stubble.
He gave me a look of encouragement. “Okay, I'll see you at six?”
“Yep, I'll be there!”
“Awesome.”
I followed him with my eyes as he walked back to his car. I could never get tired of watching that body, and the way he moved. I loved watching him; it was more-than-good.
Ben, you're so delicious.
The drive home consisted of me thinking about Ben. His gorgeous body, my aching body that needed his touch again, the night we would have together, and—Jacob. Wow, this was getting real. I wasn’t sure how it was all going to pan out, but my feelings were undeniable. They had always been for him.
Ben, you still drive me crazy.
Ben
I felt strange cleaning the house and cooking for Lindsey again. That déjà vu feeling, and I liked it. If things were going in a forward motion, this was it. Everything was almost set up, and even Jacob was bathed and dressed in his best. Well, clean clothes, anyway. Chicken and rice were his favorite, but, spending dinner with a woman who was still a stranger to him might be somewhat uncomfortable.
I hope it all goes better than expected.
I planned for the worst and anything better than the entire evening going south and ending like a damp rag would be a bonus. I knew there was nothing wrong with my cooking because chicken and rice was the one thing I excelled at. But th
e dish had to be right, or Jacob would quickly tell me it tasted bad.
I glanced up at the kitchen clock as the second hand crept past the numbers and headed toward the twelve. I stood watching, and any sign of it going past would mean Lindsey was going to be late.
Ten—nine.
Jacob stood and walked toward the kitchen counter.
Five—I dropped the tongs when the doorbell rang.
Four seconds early. Awesome!
Jacob asked who was at the door; he didn’t know that a special guest was coming and that they’d be sharing his chicken and rice. It was only fair seeing that he stole Lindsey’s last piece of bacon from her breakfast plate. I quickly checked my clothes and made sure I hadn’t collected a blob of food from anywhere. The last thing I wanted was for it to look like I’d had a battle in the kitchen and lost. I mean, I never did in most cases, and I guess I just wanted to look good.
With a smidgen of apprehension, I pulled on the door handle. When the door opened, I felt Jacob wrap his arms around my leg, and then he pulled his body tightly against me. I hoped I’d be able to walk.
“I hope I’m not too late?” Lindsey asked.
I shook my head and said she was right on time. It was nothing short of what I’d expected, and her being a therapist, well, they were quick enough to end their sessions right at the time they said. Clients paid for an hour, and they received an hour.
“Come in!”
Lindsey stepped into the hallway and started to slip her coat off her shoulders. Jacob looked at her and then lifted his head to look at me.
“Who is she?” he asked. He hadn’t realized he’d seen her at the camp.
“This is Lindsey, and she’s come to have dinner with us,” I replied, ruffling his hair with my fingers.
“Chicken and rice, my best food. Dada cooks real good!” Jacob exclaimed. He held his hand toward Lindsey. “This way Lin-see.”
