by Brent, Amy
I sat and took a moment before I spoke. “She never even kissed anyone?”
“Nope!”
“Wow, that's—”
“That's dedication. And believe-you-me, I tried. I set her up with good-looking, sexy, well-endowed men. She couldn't even look at them in that way. One guy was a model on vacation from New York, and he was so—”
I interrupted her. “I get it, there's no need for graphic details there,” I said, hoping she wouldn't discuss the size of his dick.
“Anyway, truth be told, she swore off men because she couldn't love anyone but you. And it devastated her, and so she found herself in her career. Helping others became her new love and passion. And then you rode back into town, on your damn white horse, not realizing what you'd left behind. She was heartbroken, Ben. For many months she cried over you. Are you going to do it again?” She sighed. “She doesn't deserve to get heartbroken again. She's the sweetest, kindest, most loving person I've ever known.”
I looked at Nicole. “I'll call her tonight. I'll sort it out.”
“I hope so, Ben, for everyone's sake, including yours. By the way, Lindsey doesn't know I'm here, so don't tell her, please. She'd shit bricks if she knew I was meddling in her life. I'm her best friend, but I had to tell you these things, because I know she's too damn polite to speak her truth and fight for it.”
“Thank you. I appreciate your candidness. I love her more than words can say just so you know. I hope she'll talk with me.”
“I don't think her heart has a choice in the matter, to be honest with you. Just please sort it out with her. I can't stand to see her hurting. I mean, she's trying to act happy-go-lucky but I don’t buy it.”
“I know. It's a mask she's wearing.”
“Exactly.”
We said our goodbyes and Nicole left with a glint in her eye. It was a serious glint, and I wondered why on earth guys were so damn stubborn. Why did love hurt so much? And why the fuck did the ego have to get in and pull us into the weird running game? It was ridiculous. The whole damn thing. My pride had cost me dearly, and Lindsey and I had both suffered for years because of it. My only non-regret was beautiful Jacob.
I decided to go out to the assault course and let out some ego-fueled steam if that's what it was. Or testosterone, or stubbornness. I found myself going through it like a boss, and the harder I panted, the more clarity I seemed to have.
Nicole had been blatantly honest, and it was a refreshing and genuine conversation we’d had, even if I barely spoke. She hadn't pussy-footed around the subject because it needed to be aired. Wow, what a great way to be. Paul was kinda like that in many ways. I could see why they both got along so well. They probably discussed Lindsey and me all the time and thought we were both idiots for not talking about everything all that time ago. But it was me that was to blame. And Chad. I didn’t want to play the blame game, but I had to get it straight in my own mind, once and for all. If I did that then it couldn’t haunt me anymore, or Lindsey. And she’d been through enough.
I smiled as I ran past Paul who was yelling at the recruits to pick up the slack. He was born to do this, and he was scary when he needed to be. The recruits bounded over things and scaled the walls so as not to be targeted by his strong voice which bellowed right in your face. Paul was one of the best Navy SEALs I'd ever met. He wasn't afraid of much, and his strength gave the other recruits the courage to get through everything. He was one of my heroes, as I imagined Nicole was one of Lindsey's. We were extremely lucky to have such wonderful friends.
That night, I spent time with my beautiful son, and I heard all about his day at kindy and about a story that involved a big blue bear who’d painted himself that color. He'd laughed about it, and he'd explained every detail to me. It was super-cute. Apparently, blue was the bear’s favorite color, and he wanted to show everyone this fact. But, it wasn’t good, because the paint had dried and pulled on his fur coat, which hurt a lot.
Jacob told me all about Bella too, a new girl that he’d befriended, and how funny she was. She told lots of jokes, and they’d laughed “like hyenas” about Benson the blue bear. Apparently, Bella played dress-ups with him, and they got married, much to his delight. And, next playtime, they were going to buy a house together.
Go figure.
My mind thought about how delightful his day must have been, spending it in pure innocence with his new friend Bella. It made me feel like everything could finally go right for me. I needed it to. I loved Lindsey more than life itself. I imagined us in our own happily ever after, and it felt like magic in my mind. My own son knew it could be wonderful, and he’d done it in fun at kindy. I hoped he would find the right woman, one day, without all the BS I’d gone through. Self-made BS.
By seven-thirty, he was sound asleep, and I got the courage up to dial Lindsey. I needed to place my guilt from the past into the background.
“Hello,” she said.
“Hey!”
There was a small silence as we both took a huge breath.
“How are you?” I asked.
“I'm okay.”
“I want to invite you to the Mama Rosa Italian Bistro tomorrow night, so we can talk. Is seven alright?”
There was another pause. “Um, sure. I'll see you then. Do you need me to bring anything?”
“Just you.”
“Okay, bye.” Her voice seemed slightly excited.
“Bye.”
Thank goodness, praise God, Amen, woo hoo, thank the stars! Finally, we were going to get on with things. I hoped I'd be able to stay in the mood I was in now, the positive one that told me everything was going to be alright. Mom and Nicole had kinda forced it into me. But it had been more-than-necessary.
I took a long hot shower and felt thankful that Lindsey was kind and sweet. I don't know that any other woman would've tolerated what I did to her. It was so unfair and so blatantly hurtful.
The steam rushed over me, and my body felt good. I needed to release my own guilt, so I could move forward. Everyone had regrets in their past, and I had to let it go, knowing I wasn't the same man anymore. Guilt could make you angry, or sick or depressed, and I knew it could ruin your life if you let it consume you fully.
My dad had taught me a lot of great things, morally, and so had my mom. I could never have been the man I’d become without those amazing people. I'd learned my headstrong ways from Dad. He kinda liked things the way he liked them. Eventually, he became a little less stubborn before he passed away. My mother had treated him with such kindness, and it had allowed him to open up, somewhat.
Lindsey
I stood shaking on the curb looking at the front of the Mama Rosa Italian Bistro. Me being a mere ten feet away from the door, and still, I wasn’t sure if I could go through with it. A couple walked past me and opened the door, and the smell of Italian cooking flooded out onto the street, and it convinced me to step inside. I spotted Ben on the far side of the restaurant with his back to me. He was away from the window and sat by the wall, which had all the old sepia photos hanging on the bare brick. I’d been there a couple of times before, but not for anything as serious as this.
I heaved a sigh while I handed my coat to the cloakroom attendant, and then I told the host I already had a reservation because I was meeting somebody. I glanced at the décor but didn’t have very much time to take in the spotlights which shone from the massive overhead beams. I noticed the perfectly placed cutlery which sat at the side of the crisp white napkins and the sparkling glasses which seemed to be waiting for their first drop of wine to be poured. I spotted it all with my peripheral vision but didn’t pay much attention. Most came from memory because the place hadn’t changed in the past ten years or so.
“Hi Ben,” I said when I sidled up behind him. He fumbled with his phone then placed it on the table when he stood.
He walked behind my chair and pulled it from under the table like a gentleman. Was it a genuine gesture or was it because he thought he should?
I sat an
d played with the napkin while I waited for Ben to take his seat. The waiter came, and Ben ordered a bottle of wine. I wanted to drink a full bottle to settle my nerves, but Christ, I’d be a bundle of mush if I did. I had to be strong.
I sat and felt like the first night we got together to go through things, and that night I was nervous as hell, and now wasn’t much different. If anything, I felt worse. We seemed to be going nowhere fast, and I still wasn’t sure what was going to occur.
“I’m glad you came,” he said, finally. I screwed my face a little in response.
“I stood outside for a good fifteen minutes debating whether to come in or not,” I replied.
I fidgeted nervously and didn’t have any idea about what to say. Not a good position for a therapist to be in. The waiter poured the wine, and I took a sip. I let the cool liquid run down the back of my throat, and if anything, it gave me an extra few seconds to think.
“Your mom,” I said.
“I know, and I’m sorry.”
“She made me feel, well you know, she has a certain look in her eyes.”
Ben explained it was the way she was, even if she meant the opposite. She was hard to read sometimes. But she came from the old school and temperaments were a little different back then. I giggled because I understood what he meant. She had been kind, though.
“So where do we go from here?” I asked.
Ben looked at me with his green eyes, and although I felt nervous, there was something about his gaze which warmed the very depths of my soul and made me go weak at the knees. It always had, and I felt good being in his presence. Nervous; but good.
“Ben,” I said. “I need you to listen. It’s been a long time, and I need to tell you about what happened.”
Ben nodded while he twirled the stem of his wine glass in his fingers. He sat waiting and gave me all the time in the world to explain. It felt like all the time in the world because my head swam, and I felt like everything was in slow motion.
“Go on. I think I’ve waited far too long to hear about what happened. I’ve been told but not from the person who matters the most.”
I giggled. “Tell me about it. The gossipers suck balls, big time.”
Ben laughed, and I’d found something to break the ice. Who would’ve thought sucking balls could break down barriers?
I took a sip and started to tell Ben about the events of the dreaded night, six years prior. I remembered it, and what happened after because it was like it was only yesterday. I did because I’d played it over in my mind a thousand times. It was probably more than a thousand times because we’d been separated for a little over two thousand days and it was more than every second or third day when I’d thought about it. And even though I counseled people to live in the present moment, I’d still found it hard to do.
“It was the party at Trevor’s house. You know the one you told me to go to when your mom was ill, and you stayed with her?”
“I know exactly which night it was,” he replied.
“Well, I got there with Nicole, and it was a regular house party, beer in each room, and someone stuck up in the corner pretending to be the DJ. The party kinda sucked, to be honest, and that was before the entire chain of events went to shit.”
He swallowed thickly. “Don’t get diverted.”
Ben sounded intrigued, but his mind was focused on what I was saying. If I deviated, he’d think I was trying to hide something, and I didn’t want to hide anything because I had nothing to hide.
“I had a few drinks and was a little bleary. Scott, you remember Scott?” Ben nodded. “He brought his mate Ian with him who took a shine to me while Scott made a bee-line for Nicole. He was forceful, to say the least, and I told him I wasn’t interested.
“And?”
“We did leave the party, the four of us. That much is true, but he was driving, and we got pulled over, and he was arrested for DUI. Apparently, it was his third time, and we found out he’d served time in another state for armed robbery,” I explained in detail.
“So,” Ben asked, “how does all this relate to me?”
I tightened my lips, and sort of smiled. I still couldn’t believe someone would stoop so low because a chick wouldn’t sleep with them. Obviously now, I knew some men would, and Ian happened to be one of these guys.
“I’d pushed him away from the first advance he’d made. I explained I was with you and what it’d do to my life, especially if he forced me. I didn’t want to say the word ‘rape,’ but I warned him if he kept going it’d be called that in court. So, he stopped. But Scott told everyone he knew, including Chad, that we slept together. Then Chad told you. It’s all but ruined my life, and I didn’t even do anything, except say no.”
I stared at Ben and waited for his response to the story of what happened. He sipped from his glass and rested his hands; they were now clasped together on the table.
“It appears to me,” he said, and I gulped because I wasn’t sure he believed me, “this Ian was a liar because he did a mighty fine job of describing what he did to you. He missed out the part of being arrested but gave sordid details of you being in bed with him.”
“You spoke to him?” I had no idea Ben had spoken to Ian as well as Chad.
“He caught me at the right time, or what he thought was the right time for him,” he said. “It was one hell of a weird time for me. With all the crap going on, and Mom being ill, it kinda threw me. I was in a state of total shutdown, to say the least.”
“That’s understandable, and I see why you wanted to leave.”
“There’s more to it than that.”
“I don’t know what you mean? I thought you left because of me?”
Now that Ben was talking, the conversation had been diverted away from my supposed cheating. He was saying things which I didn’t understand fully. From what was supposed to be me spilling my guts and begging for his forgiveness for something I didn’t do, Ben was adding in things he’d never told me.
“You know I always wanted to be a SEAL. I’d do anything to get in.”
“Yeah, I know that,” I replied. My brow now furrowed while I attempted to interpret what he was saying.
“I never told you, but I was accepted three or four times before I left. Each time I turned it down.”
I had a puzzled expression. “Why would you turn them down? It’s not like you can pick and choose the SEALs. They choose you?”
Ben smiled. “I must’ve been the golden boy.”
“What changed?”
“First off, I turned them down the first few times because of you. I couldn’t leave while I was with you. I loved you.”
“Ben, are you mad? I would’ve supported you and waited until you got back. You should’ve known that,” I said. I was honored at hearing it from his mother the other day but flabbergasted he’d never said anything, himself. “You never gave me the chance to show you how it could’ve been if you’d signed up.”
“I couldn’t leave you, which was the long and the short of it,” he said. He picked up his glass and took a drink. I joined him.
I sat there in silence for a moment thinking of the conversation we’d had so far. We’d gone from supposed cheating to Ben loving me so much that he’d passed up the chance of signing up to be a Navy SEAL, multiple times. How fucked up everything had been at the time.
“Ben, I understand it all, and that you were in a bad place. You said you’d stay with me, and then you left without a word, and you never even asked about that night. Six long years, and it’s only now we’re speaking about it.”
Ben looked at me. I saw guilt in his eyes, and I knew there was more to this than only me supposedly cheating on him. He was holding back. I knew it. “Ben?”
He took another sip and looked at me from over the top of his glass. I saw it, and he knew I was onto something. It was the one thing which made us unique; we had a sense when something was amiss with each other. That sense hadn’t waned, and there was something amiss.
“I used it for an excuse,” he said bluntly.
“I think you better explain in a little more detail.”
I sat and listened while Ben spilled his guts. He thought Ian was a lie, but he wasn’t sure. Ben explained the only way he could join the SEALs without any guilt, was if he wasn’t with me. So, he took the night’s events as a sign, and that’s why he left so quickly. If he’d spoken to me, I would’ve convinced him, or he would’ve known it was all a lie. He took my supposed cheating as his ticket to leave.
“All this time?” I snapped.
“I couldn’t do it with you, so I needed to do it without you,” Ben replied. My head had been swimming before I’d arrived, and now I felt like I was drowning. “How about we go back to my place?”
I stared at him in disbelief. “You’ve got to be kidding me. I’m going nowhere with you until I’ve had a chance to think.”
That was the quickest exit I’d ever made from a restaurant. I thanked him for the meal. Not a lovely one or a bad one, just a plain and simple thank you.
Shit.
Then I left. I needed time to make sense of it all. All this time and I’d been “semi not guilty” in his eyes? Wow. He had been caught between his two greatest loves, the SEALs and me. His inability for expression made him choose, and even though he loved me, he ducked out, unsure about what to do.
Ben
The doorbell rang, and it was Mom bringing Jacob home. It was good to see him on a Saturday when there was no work at the camp. Things were running well, and now things were ticking over nice and sweetly.
We stood at the top of the driveway and watched Mom as she reversed back to the street and headed off for her groceries. “No rest for the wicked, hey Jacob,” I said.
He looked up with a face that held a confused expression; he was still a bit too young to understand my sarcasm. We turned and made our way into the house. I asked if Jacob wanted breakfast, he didn’t though, because he’d already eaten “fruity loops” with Nana. He ran off to his toy box and lifted the lid while I made a coffee.
