"No. Even if I was good at it, I didn't like it."
"Have you thought of anything else you might want to do?"
"Not really. I kinda just want to keep trying different jobs, and if I don't like one, I'll find a different one. I don't want to commit to something I may not like."
"After what I paid for college, I'm committed to graphic design, whether I like it or not."
"You don't think you'll like it?"
"I'm not sure. But it's what I'm going to do. I've never thought of doing anything different."
She nods and looks out the window. We ride in silence the rest of the way. I'm too nervous to make small talk. How am I going to make it through dinner? I'm too nervous to eat.
I just want this to be over. I want to tell her how much I love her, hear her say it back, and spend the rest of the night dreaming of our life together.
Chapter Nine
Riley
"Nate, is something wrong?" I ask as we wait for the check.
"No. Why?" He fumbles with his cloth napkin, wadding it in a ball before setting it on the table.
"You barely talked during dinner." I point to his plate. "And you only took a few bites of your pasta."
"Guess I wasn't that hungry. You want to take it with?"
"Well, yeah. That's like two lunches, maybe three."
"Miss," he says, calling the waitress over. "Could we please have a box for this?"
She walks off to get one.
"You want dessert?" He rests his arm on the table, which causes his napkin to fall on the floor.
"I'll get it," I tell him.
"No, I've got it." He picks the napkin up and drops it on the table. "So dessert. Yes or no?"
"I don't need dessert."
"We could go to that coffee shop you like. You could get one of those pastries. The flaky ones with the chocolate?"
"They don't sell those at night. Only in the mornings."
"Oh. How about somewhere else? The place down the street has good desserts."
"Maybe we should just go back to your house and watch a movie."
"We always do that. I wanted tonight to be special. What about that French place on the other side of town? They have good desserts."
"Nate, I don't want dessert. And you didn't even finish your dinner. You're not hungry for dessert."
"Then let's go for a drink. And not at the brewery. Someplace better than that. How about the wine bar?"
"I don't drink wine."
"They have other drinks. They have a whole cocktail menu."
"Okay, what's going on here?"
"I don't know what you mean."
"This whole evening doesn't make sense. Why are we all dressed up and at this fancy restaurant? Are we celebrating something? Did you get a job and you're waiting to tell me?"
"No. It's nothing like that."
"Then what is it? Why are you acting so strange?"
"Let's get out of here. You ready?"
"We're still waiting on the to-go box."
Just as I say it, the waitress drops it off. Nate hands her the money for the check. "It's all set."
"Thanks! Have a good evening!"
Nate quickly scoops his pasta into the container, spilling parts of it on the white tablecloth. I don't know what's going on, but this is not the Nate I know. I've never seen him act this way. He said almost nothing during dinner, and when I tried to talk to him, he didn't even hear me. His mind is somewhere else tonight, but I don't know where. It could be the job interview. He said he did well, but maybe he didn't. Maybe it didn't go well and he's been replaying it in his head all night.
"Where are we going?" I ask as he pulls out of the parking lot.
"The park. The one with the fountain."
"At night? It's almost dark out."
"They added lights. Turned them on last week. I want to go check it out."
"Okay," I say, going along with it.
It's a warm summer night and a stroll through the park might be nice. It'd be even nicer if I were with Brad. I was thinking about him all through dinner. If he'd come along, he would've talked the whole time. Brad would've been laughing and joking around. It would've been a lot more fun with him there, especially since Nate shut down and wouldn't talk.
Since Nate's been back, we don't laugh like we used to or have as much fun. He's more serious now, and he keeps telling me what I should do, like tonight when he suggested I find a better job. The other day he gave me a brochure for online classes, telling me I should consider taking a class or two. But he knows I've already considered it and decided it's not for me. I wish he'd just accept that and stop pushing me to do stuff I don't want to do.
We arrive at the park, which has little white lights strung along all the trees.
"This is beautiful," I say as we walk along the path. "I didn't even know they were doing this."
"My mom told me about it."
He takes my hand and holds it as we walk. We hold hands all the time, which is probably why people always look at us like we're a couple.
As we continue along the path, he gives my hand a squeeze and says, "You mean so much to me, Riley. I hope you know that."
"You mean a lot to me too."
"I've really missed you these last four years. It was hard to be away from you."
"Yeah, but it was practice for what's to come. You'll be moving away soon and then I may only see you once or twice a year."
"I don't want that to happen."
"I don't either, but it's life. You have to go where you get a job."
He stops just before we reach the fountain. "Let's sit down."
We walk over to one of the benches and take a seat.
"They even lit up the fountain," I say, noticing the lights coming from the base. "Oh, and look, they change colors."
"Yeah. It's nice." He turns to face me. "Riley, I need to say something."
"Go ahead."
He picks up my hand and holds it as he takes a deep breath. "I don't know how to say this."
"Nate, whatever it is, just tell me. We're best friends. We've never had problems telling each other stuff."
"This time it's different."
"Why? What is it?"
He takes another deep breath. "I don't want this summer to be the end for us. Wherever I get a job, I want you to come with me. If you don't want to go to wherever the job is, then I'll keep looking until we find a place we both agree on."
"Nate, what are you—"
"Just let me finish." He looks down at our joined hands. "We've been friends for a long time now and I know we never talked about being anything more than that, but just because we haven't talked about it doesn't mean I haven't thought about it."
"You told me you hadn't thought about it."
"I have." He pauses. "A lot. I never said anything because I didn't want it to hurt our friendship. And I was away at college, so it really didn't make sense to say anything then. But now we're older and I'll be moving away and starting a new life somewhere else, and when I think about that, I can't imagine doing that without you." His eyes meet up with mine. "I want you in my life, Riley, now and in the future. Maybe it won't work out, but I at least want to try."
My heart's racing, and not because I'm excited for what he's about to say, but because I don't want him to say it.
This isn't what I want. I thought he knew that. I thought he felt the same way. We're Nate and Riley. Best friends. Nothing more. That's all we were ever supposed to be.
"Riley." He pauses. "I love you."
Oh, God, now what? What do I say? He's sitting there, staring into my eyes, looking so sincere and hopeful, waiting for a response I can't give him.
"Riley, did you hear me? I love you. I love you with all my heart. I want my future to be with you."
I nod, swallowing and feeling the burn in my throat as I try not to cry. Nate is my best friend, and the last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt him. Knowing I have to tell him this is killing me.
A tear slips down my cheek. "I'm sorry, Nate." I shake my head, more tears falling. "I don't feel the same way."
"You don't?" He drops my hand and scoots back on the bench. "Riley, it's okay. I mean, I wasn't expecting you to say it back. Not tonight. I know you weren't expecting this, but now that you know, I think if you give it some time, you'll realize you really do feel the same way."
"No." I look down, then back up at him. "I won't. I love you, Nate, but as a friend. Almost like a brother. But not in the way you're talking about. It's not like I haven't thought about it over the years. And I wanted to feel that way." I look down at the bench. "I just didn't."
"And you still don't?" I hear him say.
"No," I say, more tears streaming down my face. "I'm so sorry, Nate. I wish I felt differently. I really do. You're the absolute greatest guy, and some girl's going to be really lucky to have you someday. That girl just isn't me."
"But if we gave it some time. Tried dating."
I shake my head. "It won't change anything. I can't make myself feel something I don't."
He's silent, and when I look up, my heart breaks seeing the sadness on his face, the tears rolling down his cheeks.
"Nate, I'm so sorry." I reach over and hug him. "I never wanted to hurt you. I'm so sorry."
He wraps his arms around me, holding me close as we both cry. I feel like this is the end of our friendship, but this can't be the end. It may take some time, but we have to recover from this, move past it, and go back to being Nate and Riley.
"Please don't be mad at me," I say, wiping my eyes as I pull back from him.
"I'm not." He turns away from me, wiping his face.
"Nate, I wish I felt differently. I really do but—"
"Riley, stop. We don't need to keep talking about it. I get it."
I take his hand. "Would you please look at me?"
He turns around. His eyes are red and full of tears.
"Promise me we'll always be friends. Promise me that'll never change."
He wipes his eyes and looks away. "I can't promise you that, Riley. I don't think you realize what it's like to love someone this way and not be able to be with the person. And it'll be even worse if I have to see you with someone else." He pulls his hand from mine.
My heart breaks even more. "What are you saying? We're not going to be friends anymore?"
"We're still friends, but I don't think it'll be forever. Even if I wasn't in love with you, we still would've drifted apart. Once I get a job and move away, we won't talk as much. We'll see each other once, maybe twice a year. We'll be busy with our lives and drift apart."
"Nate, don't say that. If we want to make it work, we will."
"It'll never happen, Riley. We could tell ourselves we'll stay friends, but eventually our friendship would end. And if either of us meets someone, they won't want us being friends."
"I'd never date a guy who told me I can't be friends with you."
"Riley, it's gonna happen. We're gonna get older and grow apart. If we were together, we'd have a chance. That's why I wanted you to come with me wherever I ended up. But that was when I thought you loved me." He looks down.
I don't know what to say. I wish I could tell him yes, I'll go with him and we'll be together forever. But I can't. I don't love him that way.
He stands up. "Let's get out of here."
I follow beside him as we walk back along the path, surrounded by the twinkling lights in the trees that had me smiling and happy just minutes ago. Now I want to hurry past them, never wanting to see them again. They'll just remind me of this night, a night I don't want to remember.
As we hurry to the parking lot, Nate doesn't hold my hand. When we get to the car, he doesn't open my door. We ride in silence back to the trailer, and when we get there, he waits for me to get out of the car, then speeds off.
I run in the trailer and to my room, sobbing. Mourning the loss of my best friend. Why did he have to do this? Why did he have to ruin everything?
There's a knock on my door. "Honey?"
"Mom, I can't talk now," I say, sniffling.
She opens the door, wearing cut-off shorts and a tank top. "What happened?"
"Nate ended our friendship."
"He WHAT?" She races over to me. "Why would he do that?"
"Because he loves me." I break down crying.
"Oh, sugar." She hugs me into her chest and I smell the perfume Dave gave her. It smells horrible, like pine trees mixed with roses. I think he got it at the gas station he works at. "I'm gonna kick that boy's ass."
"No." I sit up, wiping my face. "Mom, don't say anything to him. And don't be mad at him. He's just upset right now because I don't love him the way he wants me to. Maybe once he's had time to calm down and think about things, he'll want to be friends again."
"Hey, Charlene, we going?" I hear Dave yell.
"Can't now, darlin'. Gotta be with my girl."
"Mom, just go. I'll be fine."
"You sure?"
"Yeah. Go. I have to sleep. I have work in the morning."
She stands up. "Call if you need me."
"I will. Bye."
She leaves and I hear her say, "Men are pigs."
"What'd I do?" Dave asks.
"Wasn't talking about you, sugar." She laughs and I hear the door shut as they leave.
My phone rings and I check to see if it's Nate. It's not him. It's a number I don't recognize.
I sniffle and clear my throat before answering. "Hello?"
"Hey, Riley. What's going on with you and Nate?"
"Who is this?"
"Brad," he says with a laugh. "You don't know my voice by now?"
"Not over the phone."
"So what's going on with you and Nate?"
"What do you mean?"
"Nate just got home and was pissed. I asked how his night went and he started cursing and throwing shit and then he went in his room and slammed the door."
"He said he wasn't mad. I knew he was lying. I'm surprised he didn't try to hide it. He never shows his anger."
"I know, which is why I called. Whatever happened really pissed him off. So what happened? You guys get in a fight?"
"We didn't fight. We just talked, and it didn't go well."
"Why? What happened?"
"He planned this whole romantic evening to tell me he loves me. I had no idea that's what tonight was about. I knew something was up with him, but I didn't know what. He was acting strange all through dinner. He barely talked and didn't eat much."
"So he told you this at dinner?"
"No. We went to the park and sat by the fountain. The city just added all these twinkling lights, so it looked really pretty. I'm sure Nate thought it was romantic, which is why he took me there. We sat down and that's when he told me. He said he loves me and wants me to move with him wherever he ends up."
"And what did you say?"
"That I couldn't do it. That I didn't love him. Not in a romantic way."
"Damn," he says with a sigh. "He's probably been working up the courage to tell you that for a long time."
"I guess, although I don't know how long he's felt this way. He had a girlfriend in college last year."
"Having a girlfriend could've been his way of denying his feelings for you, or trying to get rid of those feelings so they wouldn't ruin your friendship. When he figured out those feelings weren't going away, he had to tell you."
"I don't know what to do now. I wish I felt the way he does, but I don't. I can't lie and tell him I do."
"You did the right thing. It may not have been what he wanted to hear, but you were honest with him, and someday, when he's not so angry, he'll appreciate that."
"I doubt it. You saw him tonight. He's so angry with me. I don't know if he'll ever get over it."
"Give him time. He's not thinking straight right now
. Do you really think he's willing to lose his best friend, all because you didn't give him the response he wanted?"
"Maybe. He said it's hard to be friends with someone you love and watch that person date other people."
"He needs to get over it. It's part of life. Things don't always go how you want them to, especially when other people are involved. He can't control how you feel, Riley, and you can't make yourself feel something you don't."
"I told him that, but it didn't seem to make him feel better."
"And how are you feeling?"
"Awful. I hate seeing Nate hurting like this."
"It's not your fault. You can't help how you feel."
"I still feel terrible." I sniffle as the tears start up again.
"Where are you right now?"
"Home."
"Is your mom there?"
"No. She just left with Dave."
"I'm coming over."
Chapter Ten
Riley
"You're coming here? Why?"
"I don't want you sitting there all alone feeling sad."
"I don't know, Brad. You should probably stay with Nate. He needs you right now."
"Are you kidding? He won't even talk to me. I went to his room and asked if he wants to talk and he slammed the door in my face."
"I know but—"
"I'm not taking no for an answer. I'm already in my car. Be there in a few minutes."
He ends the call and I toss my phone down and race to my dresser to grab some tissues. I look in the mirror. I'm a mess. My makeup is smeared and streaked from crying and my eyes are red and puffy. I go to the bathroom and wash my face. It makes me feel better, but I still look like a mess.
I should put on more makeup, but I don't have time. And it's not like I'm trying to look good for Brad. I'm still really attracted to him, and my body still gets all warm and tingly whenever he's around, but I'm getting better at ignoring all that, knowing I can't date him. Being with Brad now would be even worse after Nate just proclaimed his love to me and told me how hurt he'd be seeing me with someone else. If that someone else was his cousin, Nate may never talk to me again.
There's a knock on the door. "Riley, it's me."
"It's open," I yell, coming out of my room.
Better If He Goes (Always You Book 1) Page 9
