Dammit.
Just...ugh.
With shaky hands, I grabbed the peach dress I’d placed there the other night. I’d raided a few clothes from guest wardrobes and placed the ones I could tolerate wearing in here so I didn’t have to keep venturing into those hellholes.
At least the dress was easy to slip into, pulling over my head instead of fighting with skirts and leggings with the chain around my ankle.
That damn chain has got to go.
The expensive material grazed my nipples and belly as it fell to my knees, granting another memory of last night.
Kas kissing me.
His cock claiming me.
And just like that, I was wet and achy, and I had to see him. I couldn’t stand another minute alone, wondering if I was the only idiot who’d fallen in love last night or if he’d suffered the same life-altering affliction.
Slipping into a pair of stolen tennis shoes, wriggling my toes to ensure they wouldn’t pinch, I balled my hands and stormed from the bathroom and cut across the foyer. Sunlight shone from the skylight, little islands of shadow dotting the marble tile from the wildflower clumps above.
The gutters needed cleaning. The firewood needed gathering. The food needed prepping. So many tasks for winter that hadn’t meant anything to me before but now meant the world because no way in hell was I going to let Kas die on me.
If he said those tasks were urgent, then we would start them today. Right now. Together.
Full of nerves and jittery energy, I practically ran into the library.
And I slammed to a stop, surveying the carnage.
Oh, dear...
The plates I’d been carrying when I’d found Kas writhing on the floor, bellowing about snowflakes and someone named Levin, were smashed into pieces all over the place. The fried pieces of rabbit that I’d so painstakingly gutted, filleted, and rubbed in flour—a disgusting job and one I never wanted to repeat—were discarded where they’d landed. Spinach had smooshed into the carpet, leaving green stains in the richly dyed fabric. And the honey that I’d claimed from the rapidly dwindling supply in the pantry had oozed out of its ramekin and splattered up the wall.
Oh God, the wall.
Blood stained the intricate wallpaper with shreds hanging like tassels by the light switch. Kas’s howls of despair as he’d attacked it last night echoed in my ears. The absolute misery in his stare. The tears he’d shed. The look of dumbstruck awe as I’d sunk down upon him and felt, not like a woman who’d been taken against her will, but a woman who had the power to save someone who could become her everything.
Tears sprang to my eyes, despite my orders not to.
I love him.
It’s done.
Just yesterday, I still cursed the earth he walked upon. But now, I stood on that same earth and was thankful that he existed. That I’d found him before it was too late.
“It’s not fair,” I whispered to the room.
It wasn’t fair that he’d turned out to be so, so...perfect.
So wretchedly perfect all while being chained up with—
“You’re awake.” His voice licked over my skin, spinning me to face the doorway.
And the newness inside me, the spot that’d formed purely so I had room in which to love him, filled instantly with warm and gooey, sharp and savage need.
He’d changed from the soaking T-shirt and jeans of last night into a pair of gray shorts that’d seen better days and a black tee. His long hair kissed his shoulders, his scruff framed his mouth, and his eyes were still the same weathered, haunted indeterminate color that they’d always been, but something about him was different.
I was different.
I wanted him.
In every single way a female could want a male.
“I, eh—” I ran my hands over my hair, self-conscious and highly aware the strands were clean and fresh thanks to his attention last night. “Did you sleep okay?”
He gave me an odd look before strolling into the library, the chain around his middle hissing quietly on the carpet, the links vanishing through the house like a never-ending snake before sinking its fangs into my ankle. “I passed out before I got to my dorm. Ended up contorted on the staff stairs for most of the night. You?”
Not waiting for me to reply, his gaze fell to the ruined pieces of rabbit and the smashed crockery. Nudging a piece of meat with his bare toe, he scowled. “What the hell happened in here? Did you just drop this?”
I frowned. “What? No, of course not. It happened last night. I didn’t realize the mess; otherwise, I would’ve cleaned up earlier.”
“Last night?” His forehead furrowed into deep tracks. “What the hell happened last night?”
I froze.
My heart didn’t know if it wanted to stop or hiccup. “We, eh...” I took a step toward him hesitantly, my nervous energy switching into panic. “We, um...we had sex. Twice...”
“What?!” His eyes flared wide, his attention skimming down my body as if seeking evidence of such a claim. He shook his head, stumbling a little to the side. “You’re lying.”
I flinched. “I’m not.”
“Well, you’re not telling the truth.” He ran a shaky hand through his hair. “I know you don’t like me very much, but giving false memories to a guy you pushed off a cliff is low...even for you.”
My stomach lurched. “I don’t like you very much?” I whisper-choked. Goosebumps shot down my arms, tingling with fear and loss. “Y-you...don’t remember, do you?” My question was just breath. Strained and terrified breath. “Please, please tell me you remember.”
Pain.
Pain I’d never felt before fissured through my ribs.
His forehead furrowed with deeper tracks, fear glimmering in his stare. “Remember what exactly? That I woke up in wet clothes and have no idea why? That I have cuts on my hands and bruised knuckles with no memory of what happened?” He swallowed hard enough for his throat to contract with muscle. “I have a splitting headache, and I’m sick to death of feeling as if I’ll topple over at any moment, so please...stop lying and tell me what happened. The truth this time. Where did the meat come from? Why is such precious food all over the carpet?”
My world bottomed out for the umpteenth time since climbing into this valley.
No.
Don’t you dare...
Don’t you dare do this to me.
“Tell me!” he snapped.
I wanted to run. To find the Kas who’d made me fall last night, not fight with this replica who knew nothing, who felt nothing, who looked at me as if I was nothing.
Making eye contact, I did my best to swallow all the agonizing, unrequited love inside me. “We slept together.”
Woefully inadequate. Totally depthless.
“We willingly spent the night together,” I forced out around my pain. “We were...happy.”
“Happy?” he grunted, his hands opening and closing by his sides. He looked lost...ready to break. “How...I don’t—”
“We were happy because we opened ourselves up to what we’ve been fighting all along. You admitted you care for me, Kas. And I...I admitted that I care for you too. We didn’t just sleep together. It was so much more than that.”
He shook his head, his scruff-hidden face clouding with temper. “You already said that, and I already said it’s not possible.”
“Why?” I balled my hands, beginning to tremble. “Why isn’t it possible?”
He looked away, focusing on the ruined rabbit pieces. His eyes danced to the spinach smears, honey puddles, and finally the wallpaper with its violent, bloodstained rips. He sucked in a breath, swaying. “It’s not possible because I would remember something like that. I would remember fucking you. I know I would.” His gaze caught mine, throbbing with the same sort of loss I felt, only his was from disbelief and confusion instead of fear that everything we’d shared was gone. “It’s not possible that I would forget something like that. If I did, then...” He trailed off, inky dread coa
ting him.
He didn’t finish.
He didn’t need to.
I heard the hovering, unspoken words.
If he could forget the intensity of last night. If he could forget how we’d bound ourselves together through sex and confessions, then nothing was sacred. Nothing was safe. All of this. Every day together. Every minute of falling and caring and wanting...was pointless.
Utterly, awfully pointless.
Tears stung my eyes.
How was I supposed to navigate this?
How was I supposed to stay standing after I’d dropped my guard and let him in, trusting that last night had changed both of us?
Was I strong enough to do this again?
Did I have enough love inside me to care for someone who might never love me back?
Grief burned, but I inhaled, fighting for strength. “Last night, you had a moment when you spaced. Maybe...maybe this is just another moment. It will come back. Just relax and let your mind recall—”
“Not going to happen.” He shuddered. “My mind is contaminated. I won’t go poking around looking for something that isn’t real. That can’t be real.”
“But it is real.” I rubbed at my goosebump-riddled arms. “Kas...what you did to me last night—”
“What I did?” He punched himself in the chest. “Oh, so now it’s not about what we did, but what I did?” He stalked toward me. “Go on then, don’t let me stop you. Tell me what other stories you have. Let’s see if you can convince me of something I know goddamn well isn’t true.” His anger was a shield, his pain hiding behind it. He looked as if he was one touch away from shattering—as if being told he’d had what he desperately wanted only to find out he’d let it slip through his fingers was too much to bear.
Everything hurt.
Everything.
“Cat got your tongue?” he snipped.
I arched my chin, wrapping myself up in protection. I’d given him every piece of me last night. I’d done it because I’d sensed he’d be unreachable if I didn’t. And by doing so, I no longer belonged to me.
I was his.
And to have him throw that back in my face?
I choked, rubbing at the throbbing agony in my chest.
“Well?” he barked.
What had he asked? Something about what he’d done? Would he fold to his knees in remorse if I told him he’d raped me? Would he snap out of this godawful amnesia if I told him that I’d hugged him, slept with him, and given him access to my deepest fears, even after he’d done something so cruel?
What if everything we’d shared, every connection we’d formed was gone for good?
Just like that.
God.
I hid my anguish with a curt and brittle voice. “I’m doing my best not to use the truth to hurt you.”
“What truth?” His eyes flashed with fear as well as fury.
“The truth that everything changed last night. All of it.”
“I don’t understand.” His eyes narrowed, unable to hide the thorny discomfort building in him. He gave the impression he was all brawn and brutality, but what would it be like to be told events happened, only to have no memory of them? To have holes in the very fabric of your mind—so many, many holes.
I wanted to scream at him. To lay out every second of yesterday—the good and the bad—and force him to accept reality. To accept...me. To accept us.
But if I did, that would be for my benefit, not his.
It wouldn’t ease his pain.
It wouldn’t help his concussion or his sickness.
If he truly didn’t remember, hearing the truth would be horribly unsettling.
Once again, he’d found a way to strip me of all my power, leaving me lost on what to do.
“Are you going to tell me, Gemma?” he snapped. “Can’t dangle something like that and not follow through. Spit it out.”
“The truth, Kas? You want me to give you the truth?”
“Of course the damn truth.”
His harshness wasn’t him. I’d seen behind it. I knew who he was now, deep inside.
I looked at the carpet where he’d taken me by force. Where I’d screamed at him. Hit him. Begged him. All while he’d rutted into me with deranged ferocity. I looked at the wall where I’d willingly straddled him, sank on him, and hugged him as he’d broken.
And I gave him the truth...sugar-coated just a little. “We slept together right there on the carpet.” I winced. “Actually, it wasn’t sleeping together at that point. You took me by force, but it wasn’t your fault. I think...” My eyes tracked to the strewn rabbit again.
Oh, God.
The meat.
That was his trigger.
“I made you dinner.” I stepped toward him, ready to fight his blankness with facts. “You caught a rabbit yesterday. You commanded I gut and cook it. I’ve never done anything like that before, and I hated every second of it, but I did it...because you were right. You’d fed me every day for a week and it was my turn to ensure you were adequately cared for. I think the smell of the cooked meat triggered a memory. You were dreaming of being burned. Of a man named Levin. Of being molested—”
“Enough.” He held up his hand. “I’ve heard enough.”
“No. You haven’t. You need to remember.”
Please, remember.
“I tried to wake you, but you pulled me down and took me on the carpet. I tried to stop you, but you were unreachable.” My voice cracked as tears threatened, reliving that overwhelming sense of helplessness. “But you woke eventually. You woke, and God, you were so full of regret.” I moved another step toward him. “You were...wild with it. You couldn’t forgive yourself, so...” I reached out and touched his unbroken arm. “I forgave you instead. I initiated sex between us, and we slept together, right there, against the wall.”
He ripped his arm away. “Stop.” He pinched the bridge of his nose as if his headache crushed him. “I can’t—”
“You found me a few hours later. The reason you woke in damp clothes was you poured me a bath. You washed me clean and gave me a release, and I pulled you into the bath with me.” I touched his elbow, doing my best not to flinch when he stumbled backward. “I wanted you, Kas. I’ve never wanted anyone as much as I wanted you. I confessed things to you about my brother. You told me things about your family. None of it was planned but—”
“It wasn’t planned because it didn’t happen,” he snarled. “You honestly think I could fuck you, twice, according to you, and not have a single memory of it? I remember everything! Every fucking rape and every shitty beating. Just because I choose to keep them buried doesn’t mean I’m not aware.” He stabbed a trembling finger in my face. “You’re lying because if any of what you said was true, I would know. I would hoard that memory instead of swallow it. I would live in that memory. I would replay it over and over again. If I had you, willingly had you, I would fall to my knees and never, ever let you go. Do you hear what I’m saying?” He stepped into me, casting me in shadow and trembling confusion. “I’m saying that if you gave me yourself last night and I took you—” He wiped his mouth with a shaky hand. “If I had you and forgot you? Jesus Christ.” He looked at the ceiling before shrugging helplessly. “I can’t handle that. I can’t fucking cope with that.”
Rage filtered through his voice, filling with sharp smoke. “So I’ll tell you again. What you’re saying is a lie. It has to be a lie. It has to be because if it’s not, then I might as well carve out my fucking heart and be finished with it because I’m done. Do you hear me? I’m done with this shit. I’m done wanting you, craving you. I’m done with time-skipping and my head throbbing and the damn world never standing still.”
He raked both hands through his hair, backing up as if my presence set fire to him. Molten anger flowed in his stare as he bared his teeth. “I have nothing in my head. Nothing about last night. Nothing but my past that doesn’t give me a goddamn break. Why can I remember that, huh? And not have a shred of recollection about
what you say happened?”
He didn’t wait for me to reply. He wasn’t asking me. He was asking himself. Asking the prison inside him that would never let him free.
“I’ll tell you why.” He shook harder, looking as if he’d break apart. “I don’t have any memory because it doesn’t exist because it didn’t fucking happen!” His voice slipped into a harrowed breath. “It just...can’t.”
Something cracked inside me.
Something fragile and new and far too delicate to be pulverized so early in the morning.
I wanted so much to go wrap my arms around him, but my instincts prickled that I wasn’t safe. He walked the edge of sane and insane. One push in the wrong direction, and I would pay. “It’s okay, Kas. You can choose to trust me, even if you can’t remember right now. Trust what I’m saying is real and—”
“Stop.” Drawing himself up to his full height, his hands balled and eyes etched with anger. Behind his anger lurked emotional carnage. A sacking of his soul as he howled for help, all while incapable of asking for it. “I-I’ve heard enough. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.” He shook his head. “Even if what you said was real, how do you expect me to believe that you willingly wanted me?” He paced in front of me, wobbling a little as he turned. “It’s a trick. It has to be.”
“There is no trick.” I kept my voice low, forcing myself not to meet his temper. “Everything I just said was true. Everything we did affected me. It affected you too. And that’s why you can’t accept it. Give your mind a chance to replace what you’ve forgotten. Deep down inside yourself, you know what I’m saying is real. That you feel something for me. That you’re afraid because things are changing between us. They’ve already changed—”
“I’m not afraid.”
I smiled sadly, my heart bleeding all over my ribs. “You’re so afraid, you’re willing to deny every incredible thing we experienced. You’re consumed with darkness. You’ve repressed so much evil that it’s killing you. It’s stopping you from living, Kas. It’s stopping you from loving—”
“Careful.” His tone was pure ice. “I’d be very, very careful. I’m hanging on by a thread. Push me any harder, and I won’t be responsible for what happens.”
Fable of Happiness Book Two Page 32
