I wanted to be better.
I wanted to deserve her.
But I’d never deserve her.
And I couldn’t tell her how I felt because then she’d never leave. She’d stay. For me. She’d stay because she’d believe there was hope. That I’d finally allowed light into my darkness. That this was a beginning where I only saw an end.
“Kas...” She arched her chin, pressing her mouth firmly to mine. “Talk to me. What’s wrong? You can tell me anything. You can trust me—”
I couldn’t fight it anymore.
Tomorrow, I would march her out of my valley at gunpoint if I had to.
Tonight, I would indulge one last time. I would say goodbye in the only way I could.
I kissed her.
Slow and shallow, I licked at the seam of her lips, my body locking with need as she shivered. Her head fell back, and her mouth opened, giving herself over to me in an instant.
My stomach coiled. My balls tightened. I grew agonizingly hard.
I love you.
My hand unlatched from around her throat, dropping down her front to palm her breast.
She cried out as I squeezed, her tongue twisting with mine.
A hiss of something black coated my thoughts. A memory I had no intention of remembering. The doors between me and my past opened wide, and my walls smashed into rubble.
I should pull away.
I should stop before I no longer knew what was real and what was not.
I should toss her out of this mansion before my lust switched to violence, and she suffered.
But her hands wrapped around my nape, pulling me into her, shattering my willpower. She sucked in a breath as I deepened the kiss, sinking into her taste. Her tiny gasp ignited the fire between us, placing us in a vortex of crackling lust.
“He loves you so much,” I groaned, pinching her nipple, fondling her. “And I took you away from him.”
“Who? Josh?” Her back arched, gifting up more of her flesh. “He’s my brother. He’s biologically programmed to love me.”
“He’d murder me if he knew what I’ve done to you.” I captured her mouth in a fierce, viscous kiss.
She moaned as I dropped my hand down her front, cupping between her legs. Her hazel eyes darkened to golden brown. “When you meet him, I’ll promise to protect you from his wrath.”
I kissed her again.
I kissed her with tongue and teeth and pain. So much fucking pain because she still thought this was our beginning when I knew different.
This was our end.
This was all we could ever have.
I’d been selfish long enough, and it was time to fix everything I’d done wrong.
I would let her go.
She’d go back to her loved ones.
And then, I would let the winter come.
I wouldn’t bother planting vegetables. I wouldn’t hunt. I wouldn’t gather.
I would just wait.
And I would be grateful as the snow finally ended my misery.
Ripping my mouth from hers, I latched my teeth onto her neck. Deep and unapologetic, completely uncontrolled as primal instincts overrode the shreds of my humanity.
I wanted her to run, but I also wanted her to spread her legs.
I wanted her to say yes and no.
I wanted so many contradictory things. The two sides of me tugged in opposite ends of a war I couldn’t keep fighting. The protector and the damned, the lover and the nightmare.
Her hands landed in my hair, dragging my head back up as her mouth sought mine.
She willingly kissed me.
She inched me closer to the edge.
Our teeth clacked and tongues slashed, reaching dangerous levels.
I felt it.
The blackness teasing my mind. Memories gathering with tar and oil.
“Gem...” I choked on a growl. “I don’t...I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”
She inhaled, harsh and quick. “You’re not hurting me, Kas.” She nipped at my bottom lip. “Kiss me. Stop fighting what you feel and give in.”
Christ, that was what I was trying so hard not to do.
If I gave in, who knew if she’d be breathing after. Who knew if I’d—
“Kiss me,” she moaned, her leg latching around my hip, rocking her pussy against my achingly hard cock. Fissures of desire shot through me. Lust exploded in my blood.
“I need you to finish what you started in the garden.” Her body writhed against mine in need. “Please, Kas.”
Her plea.
Her need.
It broke me.
My head roared with darkness. My mind gave into sickness.
Shoving up her nightgown, I gathered the soft material at her waist with jerky grabs. I snarled with need as I found creamy thighs, strong muscle, and hot wetness between her legs.
“Oh, God.” She jerked as I sank two fingers deep inside her. For a second, she hovered in propriety and decorum. She stood on her tiptoes, balanced on my hand with two of my fingers impaled inside her.
We made eye contact.
Electricity swarmed round us, making my skin prickle and heart race.
I stroked her.
I thrust my hand deeper.
And something switched inside her. Something got loose. Something manic and wild.
“Kas.” Her hands clawed at my naked chest, her nails scratching me as she dropped them to my jeans and tore at the zipper. “Now.” She undid the button and pushed them over my ass. “I need you now.”
I quaked as her need infected me.
It rippled through my memories, plaiting present with past, sinking me deeper into things I couldn’t face.
My jeans fell to my ankles.
Gemma pulled me forward, and the second our skin touched skin, we lost ourselves.
I fell on her like a savage. Kissing, touching, fingering.
We moaned and pawed.
She grabbed my length and squeezed, stroking me fast and hard.
We weren’t human. We were claws and cruelty, imprinting and scarring each other before the moment could be stolen.
She choked on a cry as I inserted a third finger, her hips riding my hand with total abandon. I stopped kissing her to watch. To witness how her eyelashes feathered on her cheeks as she squeezed her eyes closed with need. How her mouth popped wide with a silent scream. How her hair rubbed against the wall as I thrust my cock into her palm.
A slither of blackness hissed in my mind, hinting at a memory I wouldn’t like.
Shaking my head, I forced myself to stay with her.
“Kas...I need you.” Her eyes blazed open, pupils dilated with hunger. She looked absolutely perfect. So stunning. So unbelievably beautiful and wild and mine.
She wanted me.
Truly wanted me.
She was addicted to the same kind of madness I was. A disease that had no medicine or remedy, leaving us both doomed forever.
“I need you to fuck me, Kas. Show me you feel this too.”
I shut my eyes as my mind swarmed with sick shadow. Her command mirrored the mistresses of my past. Her instruction to pleasure her. Her authority shackling my body to her direction.
I shuddered.
“Hey...it’s me, Kas.” Her hand landed on my cheek, forcing my eyes wide. I focused on her. Only her. I did my best to forget about the abusers of my childhood.
“Just me.” Her whisper arrowed through my heart. “Just us.”
I drowned in her stare, suffocating on the emotions she let me see.
She didn’t just want my body.
She wanted me.
Every part.
All of it.
And fuck, I wanted to give it to her.
I wanted to be honest.
To be free.
To be happy.
I opened my mouth to tell her I loved her. That despite all my martyrdom and desire to be good, I would never let her out of my arms. She was mine...for fucking eternity.
I bowed c
loser.
I grew drunk on her lips as I let the final barriers inside me crash down.
And that was it.
My mind abducted me, wrenching me back into a black void.
“Kas, stop!”
Her scream fed the mania inside me as I rutted harder, faster and faster, fucking her like an animal on the library floor.
Her face twisted with tears. Her legs spread wide as my ass pumped between them.
I viewed it as an outsider.
I saw precisely what I’d become.
My hips pumped harder, aggressive and mean, crazed with violence and nightmares.
She gasped and cried, tears glittering on her cheeks as I plunged deep, taking her against her will. She was nothing beneath me. Nothing but a vessel for me to purge all my dementedness into.
“Please!” she screamed, tears catching in her throat, disbelief etching her panic-stricken face. “Please, stop, please—”
She locked eyes on the ceiling as I ignored her.
My hips worked harder.
I took her so hard, she inched along the carpet, her skin rubbing raw.
I fucked her.
Wilder.
Meaner.
My body pinning hers down while I did something un-fucking-forgivable.
I was exactly what the guests had been.
Taking her against her will.
Making her helpless and traumatized.
“This can’t be happening,” she moaned, stricken and broken as I continued to ride her without permission.
Her legs flopped wider as I crawled into her body.
She closed her eyes and gave in.
She gave up.
She went lax beneath me and still I rode her like a monster.
No!
Stop it.
STOP IT!
I tripped backward.
I fell with my jeans looped around my ankles, smashing to my ass.
I couldn’t stop trembling. Shaking. Convulsing.
Sweat drenched me.
Nausea climbing up my throat.
No.
That couldn’t—
I didn’t.
FUCK.
But I had.
I remembered.
I remembered it all.
How I’d chased that release like a maniac.
How she’d stopped fighting beneath me.
How I hadn’t stopped—
“Jesus Christ,” I groaned, wiping my mouth with a quaking hand.
“Oh—” Gemma’s voice dragged my gaze to her. “Are you okay?” She reached out to me in surprise. Her face no longer pinched with pain from when I’d hurt her but lax with lust and welcome. “What happened? Did you trip?”
I glanced past her to the blood on the wallpaper and down to the carpet.
And I retched.
Right here.
I’d done it right here.
In this very fucking spot, I’d raped the girl I was in love with.
I’d had my cock deep inside her, my body punishing hers, and I hadn’t even been aware of it. I’d been trapped in a nightmare. A hallucination. A goddamn curse.
I’d hurt her past anything redeemable.
I’d raped—
Nausea spilled from my gut, lightning quick.
“Oh, shit.” I scrambled to my hands and knees, giving in to the repulsive abomination inside me.
I wanted to spew it all out.
I wanted every twisted and nauseating memory out of me.
Gemma dropped to her knees beside me, her hand landing on my back and drawing soft circles. “It’s okay. Was it the soup? What can I do?”
Nothing came up.
Acid burned my soul.
I wanted to die.
I wanted to grab a knife and stab it into my worthless heart.
Instead, I laughed.
A cold, empty laugh that cut like a blade. A blade that made me bleed, giving me a thousand cuts of sorrow.
Even now.
Even after I’d raped her, imprisoned her, taken everything she had to give, she still offered more. And because I was a motherfucking bastard, I would continue to take and take until she had nothing left.
No.
It ends.
Right now.
Scrambling to my feet, I yanked my jeans up and fought the wave of headaches and imbalance.
I couldn’t do this.
I wouldn’t.
She had to leave.
Before I did something worse.
Shouldering past her, I snapped, “Pack your bag, Gemma Ashford. We’re done here. I want you gone in the morning.”
I left before she could argue.
I broke into a run, crashing off a wall, struggling to stay standing through my horror.
Wrenching open the front door, I bolted from Fables, from her, and myself.
I didn’t stop running.
CHAPTER FORTY
I RAN.
Barefoot and dressed in a nightgown and hoodie, I ran as if the hounds of hell were on my heels.
“Kas!”
What the hell happened?
Why on earth had he left like that?
“Kas!” I ran harder, leaping over long grass, flinching as debris hurt my soles.
Nothing.
No sound of him.
No sight of him.
Just an empty, pitch-black night.
Slamming to a stop, I planted my hands on my knees and sucked in air. I tried to calm my galloping heart and rapidly building fear.
Where had he gone?
Why had he run?
“Kas! Where the hell are you?”
Holding my breath to listen better, I closed my eyes for sounds of his footsteps. The only thing that came back were the low rush of the river, the soft scurryings of animals, and the crushing hushness of darkness.
I pushed off again, jogging into shadows, doing my best to see the track we’d used to walk to the river when I’d helped him with the hydro generator.
Not that I’d helped him that day.
But maybe tonight? Perhaps tonight, I could finally help him.
He’d remembered something, I was sure of it.
He’d been on the brink.
He’d pushed me away because something had changed inside him.
I’d felt it.
And if I didn’t find him tonight—if I didn’t push...then it was over.
I didn’t know how I knew that, but it wasn’t false or fancy. I had a soul-deep conviction that Kas had reached a point of no return. He’d touched me as if he was saying goodbye, all while he bound me to him forever. He’d been full of inconsistency and defiance.
I would’ve given anything for him to speak to me.
To kiss me, whisper to me, confess everything that was slowly killing him inside.
I flinched.
When he’d seen the video of my brother, I thought he’d snap.
I’d been so close to grabbing the letter opener to protect myself if he suddenly regressed back into the man I’d first met. But then he’d become utterly engrossed with a silly home movie full of sibling teasing and idiocy. His face had gone stark with vibrant jealousy. His hands had gripped my recorder so hard, the plastic cracked in warning. He’d shown so much of his loneliness.
My heart had torn in two as he’d tripped up and away from me when the video had ended. He’d watched me, and I hadn’t needed him to speak. I’d already known. I’d known he blamed himself that I laughed differently with my brother. He cursed himself because I’d lived a life that he’d only just understood. He saw me happy when the entire time we’d been together, I’d been stretched to my limit, living on self-preservation mode, and stressed with new feelings.
I was freer with Joshua because he was my blood. I knew him. I didn’t know Kas on the same level of intimacy. We’d only just crossed the chasm from enemies to friends.
Yet he’d acted as if he’d give his very soul for a chance at that level of connection.
And God,
I wanted to give it to him.
That was why I’d begged him to take me. Why I’d wanted him to slip inside me in the very same room where he’d taken me against my will. I wanted to replace bad with good. I wanted to show him I was strong enough to, not only forgive, but to move on and find happiness where there had once only been pain.
I slammed to a stop.
Oh, no.
Perhaps that was what he’d remembered when his eyes had glazed over, and he’d fallen to the floor with an agonizing grunt?
Had he remembered that night? The way he’d taken me as I’d screamed at him to stop?
But if he had...surely, he’d remembered what happened next?
The way I’d rocked on his lap.
The way he’d washed my hair and made me come on his hand.
The way we’d shared pieces of ourselves in the bath.
I swiped my hair back, wrenching it into a ponytail as despair filled me. I didn’t think he’d remembered it all. If he had, why had his body been so distraught? How had he ended up on all fours trying to be sick?
Why had he looked at me as if he wanted it all to stop?
He’d looked like a man who’d reached his limit.
A man who would rather choose death instead of fighting to exist in a world he could no longer survive in.
More panic flooded my veins.
No.
Surely, he wouldn’t—
“Kas!” I threw myself forward into a run. “Kas, please! Answer me!”
I picked up speed as the memory of his voice echoed in my head. “Pack your bag, Gemma Ashford. We’re done here. I want you gone in the morning.” It hadn’t been like any threat he’d given before.
This one had given no room for argument, discussion, or sway.
He’d meant it.
Tomorrow, he would find a way to make me go even though I’d chosen him over anyone else. Tomorrow, he would do whatever it took to get me to leave, and I honestly feared what he’d do if I disagreed.
How far would he go to ensure I left?
And why did he suddenly want me gone after weeks of ultimatums that I belonged to him, that I owed him, that I was now his in every way?
He needed me to stay.
He needed my help to gather enough food for winter.
If he didn’t, he would either starve or freeze or—
Dammit, Kas, what the hell are you thinking?
Fable of Happiness Book Two Page 40
