Damaged for Him

by Farrar, Marissa

  I needed to create a distraction, but I had to be smart about it. Whatever I did would only buy me a matter of minutes, and if I wasted that time, I doubted I’d get another chance.

  Bianca worried me as well. I’d revealed too much of how I actually felt about this situation to her, and my rejection had clearly pissed her off. Would she go to my father and tell him I couldn’t be trusted and that I was still hung up on Catalina? It seemed crazy to me that he might think I could have just gotten over her so quickly, but he had a hard heart and didn’t understand how it was possible to love someone else more than yourself.

  NIGHT FELL.

  I’d eaten with the others, keeping my head down, and not getting into conversation, if I could help it. I noted my fall in position, no longer looked up to as the master’s son and highly regarded, but as someone who’d brought shame to the family. It was only in the eyes of the women that I caught some kind of understanding. Yes, I’d put someone they loved at risk, but they, far more than my father, understood why I’d done what I had. Perhaps it was a risk they even wished they could take themselves, and again I was hit by a pang of guilt that I hadn’t done more to free the other women. That they’d come from lives of homelessness and prostitution wasn’t a good enough reason to keep them locked up here, earning money for someone else.

  The house quieted down after dinner.

  It seemed the women weren’t due to have any visitors this evening, so everyone went their own ways, the women slinking off to their rooms, either alone or in pairs, while I snuck away as well. I needed to get down to the library and check for the key to my father’s office. It was the only way I was going to get inside the room without him also being there. He was already suspicious of me, and there was no possibility of him allowing me to be in there alone with him knowing about it.

  I visited my room first and picked up the item I planned to use as an excuse. My stomach was clenched with nerves—partly because I didn’t want anyone to see me and ask too many questions, but mainly because if I discovered the key was no longer there, I didn’t exactly have a backup plan.

  Clutching the item in my hand, I put my head down and made my way back through the house. So far, so good. Everything remained quiet. I approached the big wooden door that led onto the wing containing the library, thinking I was actually going to make it without anyone challenging me, when a voice came from behind me.

  “Where do you think you’re going?”

  I turned to find Rufus standing in the hallway, his hands on his hips.

  I bristled. I didn’t like my father’s men talking to me that way. Not since I’d been a small child did any of them speak to me with anything less than respect.

  I lifted the book I was holding into the air. “I’m going to the library to change this for something different. I assume that’s all right with you.” I couldn’t help the sarcastic tone to my voice.

  “We’ve been told to make sure you don’t get up to any trouble.”

  “How much trouble do you think I’m going to get into in the library? It’s not like there’s a secret passage down there, hidden behind one of the bookshelves, that I can use to make my escape.”

  Rufus snorted.

  “Or maybe you think I’m going to use a book as a weapon? Or stack them high enough to allow me to climb over the compound wall.”

  “Okay, okay,” he said, lifting his hands in the air. “I get your point. Go and change your fucking book.”

  I gave him a cold smile. “Thanks.”

  Putting my head down, I kept going. I knew Rufus was still mistrusting of me. While he hadn’t followed me directly, he’d be lurking somewhere behind, ready to make a move in case I tried something. He wouldn’t want to explain to Silas why he’d let me just walk away. But I had no intention of trying to escape—not yet, anyway. First, I needed to get into the office. I hadn’t given any thought to what I’d do if I managed to get in there and was unable to find out where Torres was keeping Catalina.

  I felt like I was stepping back in time, a boy again, getting a key even though it might get me in trouble. Only this time I knew exactly what kind of trouble I’d get into if I was caught. It would be rapped knuckles or a few days in the hole. A second betrayal wouldn’t be forgiven. I’d be punished with a bullet to the head.

  My mouth was dry, my heart beating hard. The distinctive musty scent of old books filled my senses as I stepped inside the dark room, between the multiple shelves stacked high with books. The windows in this part of the house were narrow and set high in the walls, deliberately done to avoid sunlight damaging any of the books. There was always a different atmosphere in here compared to the rest of the house. It immediately calmed me, soothed my soul.

  Aware Rufus was lurking somewhere behind, I didn’t go straight to the old encyclopedia inside which my father had always hidden the key to his office. I didn’t want to make it obvious I was focusing on that one point. Instead, I browsed, randomly sliding books out from their positions on the shelves, reading the back blurb and flipping through the pages as though checking out the story. Mentally, though, I was pinpointing the spot where the book was located. Would it even still be there? It had been years since I’d last seen it. I didn’t even know if the book would be there, never mind the key.

  A creak came from behind me.

  I spun around, certain Rufus or my father would be standing there, but the space was empty. It had just been the shelves, perhaps, creaking after I’d changed the weight by disturbing the books. I sucked in a breath, not liking how jumpy I was, steadying my nerves.

  I trailed my fingers along the spines of the books, keeping going until I reached the place the book I was looking for had always been. I stopped, my muscles tense. It was still there, in the same spot it had been ten years ago. A thin layer of dust coated the cover. I didn’t want to disturb it, knowing I’d leave my fingerprints in the dust. It would be easy enough for someone to see that the book had been moved, but the fact it was covered in dust meant no one else had been here recently.

  Holding my breath, I pulled out the encyclopedia. The big tome was heavy in my hands. Carefully, I opened the front cover. I almost couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The key was still there, in exactly the same place it had always been.

  Certain at any moment someone would shout at me to ask what I was doing, I tipped the key out into my palm. Moving fast, I slammed the cover shut and shoved the book back into its spot on the shelf. My pulse raced, the metal key warming in my hand. I couldn’t just slip it into my pocket. While I didn’t think I was going to be searched, I didn’t want to risk it. But I didn’t want to worry about it falling out of anywhere else either, if I tried to hide it in the waistband of my jeans, or even under my arm. Feeling like time was running out, I bent and slipped the key into the back of my boot then pulled the cuff of my jean leg over the top of my boot again.

  I straightened and sucked in a deep, shaky lungful of air. My fingers fluttered at my side, and I calmed myself by counting quickly in my head. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. A good number. A safe number. My father must have forgotten about the key. It was the only explanation for it still being here. Or perhaps he’d simply gotten so cocky that he didn’t believe anyone inside the compound would dare to enter without his say-so.

  Disbelieving I’d actually managed to achieve what I’d come here to do, I put my head down and walked at a quick march back toward the door. I wanted to get back to my room now, and figure out how I was going to put the next part of my plan into action.

  At the last moment, I realized I hadn’t changed the book I’d used as my cover story. Just before I stepped out of the library and into the hallway beyond, I reached out and grabbed the nearest book off the shelf.

  I kept going. The key I’d slipped into my boot was a hard lump against my heel. It didn’t matter if I walked awkwardly or with a limp. It was the same leg I’d caught in the bear trap, and while it was a hundred times better than it had been when I’d f
irst sustained the injury, I still couldn’t put all of my weight on it. No one would suspect anything.

  Rufus was still lurking outside.

  “Whatcha got there?” Rufus asked, nodding down at the book.

  I’d been so focused on the key I hadn’t even thought to check. I lifted the book up, showing him the title and seeing it for myself for the first time.

  Rufus snorted laughter. “Little Women? Really?”

  “It’s a classic,” I snapped.

  “Sure it is,” he scoffed, but he stepped out of the way and let me pass.

  I clutched the book tighter like a talisman, holding it close to my chest as if the tale of the four sisters could give me safe passage back to my room.

  Chapter Nine

  Though shaken by my experience in the pool, I felt closer to Deanna because of it. The other woman had saved my life, and I was thankful without end to her for that. I was also thankful the man who’d thrown me quite literally in the deep end hadn’t punished her for saving me. I’d worried he might have hit her for it, but he seemed to have found the whole thing entertaining, as though he’d never intended for me to die, but had enjoyed watching me struggle to survive all the same.

  Anger burned through me at the knowledge that Torres had instructed him to throw me in. It was punishment for denying him the one thing he’d brought me here for—taking my virginity. I was no longer something special to him, but instead just another plaything to keep him entertained.

  After we’d left the pool and been brought back to our room, we didn’t leave again for the rest of the day. The others read and played cards, but I remained curled up on my bed, facing away from them. Depression was threatening to pull me under, and I couldn’t seem to snap myself out of it. I missed Angelo with a physical ache, and the certainty that I would die here, without ever getting the chance to see him again, settled into my soul.

  Meals were brought to us, but I didn’t eat. My misery and anxiety had shrunk my stomach, and even the thought of putting food into my mouth made my throat close over. None of the others asked me if I was all right. Why would they? There was no comfort they could offer me. We were all in the same situation, and they’d each probably been through even more horror than I had. I’d only been here a matter of days, and it had been years for them. Years spent in this windowless room, at the mercy of whatever Torres decided to do with them next. It was a wonder they hadn’t lost their minds. But then I remembered Kimmie’s hatred of me, and how withdrawn Grace was, and wondered if maybe they had. Only Deanna seemed to have it fully together, but she was a strong woman, and I wasn’t sure I had even an ounce of that strength inside me.

  With no windows in the room, it was hard to tell day from night. The other women seemed to know, however, and eventually they all slept. I lay awake for what felt like hours, staring up at the dark ceiling and wondering what Angelo was doing now, and remembering the time we’d spent together with agonizing sweetness and pain.

  It was no wonder, then, that when I did eventually fall asleep, it was to dreams filled with him. We were younger again, just children, chasing each other around the compound courtyard. Things had been so simple then, at least in my mind, though I knew it had been different for Angelo. He’d taken the brunt of his father’s anger and punishments, and for the most part had shielded me from the true horror of that place. The compound had never really been home to me. It had always just been him. Wherever he was, that was the place I’d think of as home.

  TORRES WAS ALREADY in the room with us when I woke the following morning. He was dressed in his customary suit, perfectly cut for his height and broad shoulders. Though I knew nothing about clothing, even I could tell the suit was expensive. His straight, dark hair was pushed back from his face by some kind of product, and though the rest of him was well-groomed, he hadn’t shaved that morning, and stubble darkened his square jaw.

  “Good morning, ladies.”

  He appeared annoyingly fresh, his hair shining, his skin clear, his eyes with a sparkle to them. “I’m having some guests over later, and of course you will be providing them with the entertainment.” He chuckled and then added, “Or perhaps what I mean to say is that you will be the entertainment. I want sexy outfits, since you will be there to tease and titillate. Any kind of negative behavior will be punished. You are all mine, and I expect you to do exactly as you’re told. I don’t want to have to punish any of you in front of my guests, but I will if necessary.”

  He fixed me with his gaze, and I shrank back, wishing I could sink into the mattress and vanish into the floor beneath.

  “Catalina, I believe you experienced how that punishment might go. Don’t make me do it again by disobeying me.”

  He was talking about drowning me. Would he do that? Drown me in his own swimming pool like he might do to a litter of stray kittens he didn’t want around? After my experience the previous day, I didn’t doubt he’d do exactly that.

  I nodded. “I understand.”

  “Sir,” he corrected.

  “I understand, sir.” I kept my neck bent, staring down at the bed, not making eye contact with him. Perhaps it would be easier to defy him and just let him kill me, but I’d experienced how wonderful life could be during those few days with Angelo, and even though I felt certain I’d never get that again, there was still the tiniest spark of hope inside me that if I lived long enough, I might get that chance again.

  “You have a few hours to make yourselves beautiful, and then my guests will start to arrive. I want you all in dresses, exposing some skin. Oh, and I don’t expect to see any underwear either. No bras and panties, got it?”

  We all nodded mutely.

  “I don’t want anyone to cause me any embarrassment, is that understood? If you do, you will be severely punished.”

  I wasn’t sure if his threat was intended purely for me, or if any of the others had caused him a problem in the past, too. Grace didn’t look as though she’d give anyone much of a fight. Deanna, however, was a whole other story. Kimmie looked as though she’d just been given the best news of her life and was staring up at Torres through adoring eyes. I didn’t know which of us was more messed up.

  “Good. I will see you in a few hours, then. I’ll send Bartow down to bring you all up.”

  He retreated from the room, pulling the door shut behind him.

  Kimmie jumped to her feet and went to the rail holding all her clothes. She rifled through them all. “What am I going to wear? It’ll need to be sexy but glamorous.”

  She was acting as though she’d been invited to the party as a guest, not as the entertainment.

  Deanna gave a sigh of exasperation. “Wear whatever you want, Kimmie. The men will be thinking about what’s under the clothes. They won’t care.”

  “Well, I care.” She tossed her red hair over her shoulder with a flip of her head. “Ah, what about this one?” She pulled out a strapless slip of a dress in emerald green and held it against her slender body. “I hope Sir gives us some heels to wear that will go with the dress.”

  “He normally does,” Deanna said with a scowl. “The man has a thing about shoes.” She clearly wasn’t as excited about the upcoming party as Kimmie.

  Grace hadn’t said a word. I felt bad for her. Had she always been like this—so quiet and withdrawn—or had living here and experiencing life with Torres made her this way? I’d never been around any who made me feel protective toward them before—I’d always been the youngest and most naïve of everyone I met—but even though I thought Grace was the same age as I was, something about her seemed even more fragile.

  Needing something to keep myself occupied, I did the same as Kimmie and went to the clothes rail to find something to wear. I didn’t really care what I looked like, but I didn’t want to be punished. My experience at the pool was enough to frighten me into good behavior, which meant it had done exactly what had been intended, and right now only survival was on my mind.

  I knew exactly what sort of entertainmen
t we were going to have to provide, and a wave of disgust went through me. I closed my eyes briefly and willed it away. Today would only be harder if I allowed myself to focus on my emotions.

  Sex was only sex. It had meant something with Angelo, but it wouldn’t mean a thing with either Torres or any of the other men who he handed me over to. I’d never been raised with the idea that my body was my own—it had always belonged to someone else—and in that respect, nothing had changed for me. I was simply fulfilling my destiny.

  It was better to think that way than torture myself with thoughts of Angelo and my memories of those few days when I’d considered the possibility of living life a different way.

  I picked out a red dress with a full skirt and a sweetheart neckline. The color would look good against my dark hair. It was elegant, but would show off enough skin to keep the men interested.

  I caught Kimmie’s eye as she glared at me from across the room.

  “Don’t think you’re going to monopolize his attention. Just because you’re the new girl, and you have this annoying, doe-eyed innocence going on, doesn’t mean you’re anything special.”

  The last thing I wanted was for anyone to pay me any special attention. I’d rather just vanish.

  “I don’t want Sir,” I told her. “You can have him all to yourself, for all I care.”

  She shot me a scowl as though she didn’t believe me.

  I wanted to turn the attention away from me.

  “What happens at these... parties?” I asked Deanna.

  I wasn’t sure I wanted to know, and I had a pretty good idea from growing up at the compound, though I had never actually witnessed anything happening directly. By the time the men wanted anything more than just a pretty face to pour his wine, I’d been long shooed out of the room.

  Kimmie glared at me. “What do you think happens?”

  “The men have sex with us?”

  Deanna nodded. “Most of the time, yes. Sometimes the men have different... desires... that need to be sated, and so we just do whatever they ask of us.”