by TJ Dallas
I wrapped my arm around her torso. I was silent as I considered my response. “Nothing’s changed,” I replied, shrugging and forcing down an inexplicable lump in my throat. “I wished everything was different, but there isn’t anything I can do about it.”
“I know. Just know that it will never happen again.”
They say lightning can’t strike in the same place twice, right? I knew that was a myth.
“Harriet, we will never let you out of our sight again. I know Althea hates herself for what happened, and she would do anything she could to change it.”
“I don’t blame her,” I said.
The baby kicked again, and I winced. I lowered a hand between us to rest on my stomach. Shh.
“Anything I can do?”
I shook my head, pressing down tenderly and massaging my belly. My muscles were starting to cramp, and I grimaced.
“You’re panicking about giving birth, aren’t you?” Riley murmured.
As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I had no one else to talk to, so I mumbled, “I’m terrified.”
“Don’t be. I know it’s easier said than done, but there’s nothing to worry about. There’ll be midwives to take care of everything, and I’m assuming Althea will be with you?”
I nodded, rubbing a tender spot near my hip.
“Hopefully it’ll be over quickly, and there’s loads of different pain relief available. They’ll look after you.”
I grimaced again, the cramps getting stronger. I inhaled sharply, and she pulled back to look at me.
“Are you OK?” she asked, concern in her voice.
“I don’t know. I’m getting a bad cramp.” I exhaled through my teeth.
“Take a deep breath, it’s probably just Braxton Hicks.”
“Braxton what?”
“Hicks. False contractions. They shouldn’t last long.”
“How do you know?” The cramp eased, and I massaged my stomach again.
“I don’t, but I’m trying to keep you calm.” She smiled, and my eyes widened. “I’m joking! I’m 99 percent sure they’re only Braxton Hicks, so don’t worry. It’s too early to be real labour. Come up onto all fours, that should help.”
She shuffled back as I came up onto my knees, leaning forward and burying my head into the pillow. I took a few deep breaths, trying to slow my heart. Riley’s hand massaged my lower back, which temporarily removed some of the ache, but I grit my teeth as my muscles tensed again.
True to her word, the contractions stopped after a few minutes, and I sighed in relief. The baby finally calmed, and I lay back down. I couldn’t stifle another yawn.
“Still tired?”
“I’m always tired these days,” I grumbled.
“Me too,” she replied, giggling and kissing the top of my head. “Fancy another nap?”
“No, I better get back upstairs. I need to talk to Althea.”
At that moment, there was a quiet knock on Riley’s front door.
Riley didn’t move, but the corner of her lip lifted in a smile. Althea’s already here, so you don’t need to move, she thought. “Come in,” she called aloud, and I heard the door of the flat opening and closing. Two seconds afterwards, Althea came in, looking sheepish.
“I’m so sorry, toots. Are you OK?” She looked at me, and I nodded.
“I’m fine,” I replied. “I’m sorry if Ace gave you a hard time.”
She shook her head. “No, it was my fault. I deserved it.”
“No, you—”
“Yes, I did, Harry.” Her tone silenced me, and Riley’s arms tightened around me. “Is there room for one more?” she added.
“Of course.”
Althea lifted the duvet and snuggled in tight against my back. She nuzzled my earlobe and pressed her lips against my skin. I really am sorry.
I know.
I can’t seem to do anything right these days, she thought sadly.
Don’t say that. Honestly, I’m fine. I just freaked out a little, that’s all.
She didn’t reply, and I hoped she wasn’t fighting back tears. I pushed my hips back against her, and she snuggled in tighter, resting her cheek on mine. I sighed, closing my eyes and enjoying Riley and Althea’s body heat as I nestled between them.
We fell asleep again until midday, and for the first time in almost two weeks, I felt safe.
Two weeks later, I entered the conference room as the rest of the managers looked up. It was a secluded room, hidden on the seventh floor, with a large mahogany desk in the middle. We rarely used it, except for recently when Althea and Georgia had cornered me about the pregnancy test, and I knew everyone was curious as to why I’d insisted they gather there. It was a neutral meeting room, and I wanted to convey the seriousness of my situation. I didn’t want what I was about to say to leave these four walls.
I’d reluctantly managed to accept my predicament over the past couple of weeks, and I’d reached my final decision. I’d asked the Identical to keep questing towards me every day, to continually check my deepest feelings towards the baby to see if anything had changed, but she always gave me the same answer. My head knew she was telling the truth, but my heart wanted to argue.
I could no longer keep it hidden from the others.
I glanced around. Everyone except Madison was there, as requested. Madison’s infertility was always a sore topic, and I’d made the executive decision not to tell her. As long as the rest of them kept it to themselves, there was no way that Madison would figure it out on her own. With a T-shirt on, the baby was barely noticeable. With my regular hooded jumper on, it was completely invisible.
Althea lowered her gaze, and I felt the sadness inside her, without needing to quest towards her. She’d known this was coming, but I think she’d hoped I would change my mind before I told everyone. I forced down a feeling of shame and took my seat at the head of the table.
“I appreciate you joining me. This won’t take long. While I don’t usually care, I ask that you try not to judge me for what I’m about to tell you.”
Bella narrowed her eyes. Riley, Althea, and Emilia already knew my situation, but I hadn’t yet told Riley or Emilia what I was going to do after the baby was born. As soon as I started talking, Georgia would no doubt guess the result of the pregnancy test, but Bella was completely in the dark about everything. I swallowed hard.
“I’ve thought long and hard about this, and it needs to be done. For once ...” I trailed off, taking a deep breath. “For once, I’m not proud of what I’m about to do.”
Emilia’s eyes widened, but she said nothing. I heard Georgia inhale sharply, and Bella looked between everyone, clearly confused.
“When we were in Brighton,” I began, “something happened that I didn’t know about until very recently.” I saw Althea close her eyes out of the corner of my eye. I knew she still felt guilty for what had happened. Althea, it’s OK, I thought soothingly.
She looked up as I continued. “On the last night, someone managed to spike my drink ...” Everyone waited. My mouth was dry, and I struggled to force the words out. “I was raped.”
Bella and Georgia’s mouths opened. The shock was evident on their faces. Emilia grit her teeth, her jaw tensing in anger, and Althea covered her face with her hands. Riley took my hand and squeezed it under the table.
“I’m pregnant.”
The silence was deafening.
I quickly held up a hand when Georgia moved to speak. “Let me finish,” I whispered. I glanced at Bella. “For those of you who are exceptionally quick at maths, you’ll realise I’m due to give birth in less than a month. The nurse called it a stealth pregnancy, which is why it’s not noticeable.” I saw everyone looking around at each other, and I gave them a moment to process it. “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to come out with it. I’m not keeping it.”
Georgia raised a hand to her mouth. I stayed quiet, waiting for her. I knew what she was going to say, and I couldn’t stop her from saying it out loud. I’d purposefully called the meeting so I could tell them all at the same time, and I knew they would have questions and opinions. As hard as it was going to be, I needed to allow them that.
“You d-don’t know how much you’ll love that child,” Georgia stammered. “As soon as you see it, you’ll forget the rest of the world. The first time I looked at Ambrosia, I forgot everyone else in the room with me. I couldn’t imagine life without her.”
“I don’t doubt for a second the love you have for her, and you’re right, I can’t imagine it. But I’ve seen inside myself, and deep down, I’m not able to love this baby unconditionally, and it deserves better than I can provide. I’ve already organised everything. The baby will go to parents who will love it more than I can.”
Georgia started crying, and Emilia pulled her into a hug. Emilia caught my eye, but she glanced at the floor, rubbing Georgia’s back. Althea stood up, and I saw the tears in her eyes as she ran from the room. Riley didn’t let go of my hand, restraining me from standing up to follow. I looked at her, and she smiled, nodding gently.
“Are you sure this is what you want, Harry?” Emilia asked.
I shook my head. “None of this is what I want, but I don’t have a choice. Or rather, my choice was taken away from me, and this is my choice now. My Identical has quested towards me many times to make sure, and as much as I don’t want to admit it, I will resent the child for everything that’s happened to me. I know it’s not the baby’s fault, but I can’t change how I feel.”
Emilia nodded as Georgia pulled out of her arms.
“Don’t do it, Harry,” Georgia mumbled, trying to wipe away her tears. “You’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”
“I know,” I replied, my throat closing. “But I’d rather that, than force this child to live with it. It deserves more, and I know it’ll be loved the way that it should be. Just not by me.”
“How can you do this?”
“With great difficulty, Georgia, trust me.” I felt the tears in my eyes and forced them away. “Do you have anything you want to say, Bella?”
I looked at her, unable to look at Georgia any longer. She shook her head.
“There’s a reason Madison isn’t here—”
Riley cut me off. “We know why she’s not here, Harry. We get it.” I squeezed her hand again.
“That was all I needed to say,” I muttered. “I know it’s a lot to process, but I’d appreciate it if we don’t make a big deal of it. I’ve freaked out enough, and I’m tired.” There were a few muted nods around the room.
“I’ll go and check on Althea,” Bella said.
“No, it’s OK,” I replied. “I’ll speak with her.”
“Harry, if you say this is your choice, I trust you …?” Bella finally met my gaze, and I nodded.
“It’s my choice.”
She exhaled heavily and pulled me into a hug. I hugged her back gratefully. “Is that why you’ve not been smoking?” she asked, and I shrugged.
“Nah, it was just a really bad habit.”
She rolled her eyes. “Yeah right,” she scoffed. “You won’t be needing this then?” She held up my Zippo, and I tried to grab it, but she danced out of my reach. “I’ll add it to my collection.”
“Fine, you can keep it.” I chuckled. “I’ll just get myself a shinier one.”
She laughed, and I finally relaxed a little. She blew me a kiss and headed towards the door. Riley pulled me into a hug as well, and I kissed her cheek.
“That was really brave,” she said. “I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks, pet.”
“I’m always proud of you, even if you’re not proud of yourself.”
I swallowed, blinking away a fresh round of tears. She followed Bella out as I turned to Emilia and Georgia. Neither moved, so I walked towards them. I held out my hand, and Georgia hesitated before taking it. I pulled her to me, wrapping my arms around her and burrowing my face into her neck.
“I’m so sorry, Georgia,” I mumbled quietly. “I never wanted this, but I need your support now, more than ever. Please?”
She nodded but didn’t reply. I kissed her hair as she pulled away, disappearing towards the door. I watched her leave, the door swinging shut behind her, and I looked at the ceiling before turning to Emilia. “Are you angry with me?”
“No, I’m not angry.”
“Why not? I hoped you would be.”
“Why?” She looked puzzled.
“I don’t know. I think I’m angry with myself, and I can’t express it.”
She motioned to the seat in front of her, and I sat down heavily. “Like Bella said, if you say this is your decision, then I trust you. Only you know how you feel, and none of us have any right to change that. It’s your decision, and I can see how hard it is for you. Anger doesn’t seem right.”
I couldn’t form a response. We sat silently for a few minutes until she squeezed my knee and asked, “Do you know what I think?”
I shook my head, bracing myself for whatever she had to say.
“I think that a woman giving her child to other people, knowing she can’t provide what the baby deserves ... That’s the strongest form of a mother’s love that I’ve ever heard.”
My vocal cords seized, and I swallowed a heavy lump in my throat. I hadn’t braced myself for that.
She stood up, stretching her legs. Leaning down, she pressed her lips against my forehead. “If you do find a way to express your anger, I’ll be there. I’ll see you soon, OK?”
I still couldn’t answer, so I just watched her leave. Once again, I was on my own, and I inhaled deeply, resting my head back against the chair. I needed to find Althea. I knew how heartbroken she was, and while neither of us wanted to face reality, I couldn’t make the situation go away. I sat for ten more minutes before I eventually stood up.
Two minutes later, I knocked on the door of her flat. “Althea, I know you’re there. Please talk to me.”
“I can’t.”
I leaned back against the door, slowly sinking down. I sat on the floor, resting my head back. I need you, Althea, I thought. I can’t do this on my own.
I’m hurting, Harry. I know it’s not your fault, but it’s breaking my heart. My girlfriend is going to have a baby, and I’m never going to be able to hold it in my arms. Do you know how that feels? I know it’s inexplicably selfish of me, and I know that it’s going to be a thousand times worse for you, but that’s just how I feel.
It’s not selfish, I mumbled. If our roles were reversed, I’d feel the same way. I just need to know that you don’t hate me.
She was silent for a painfully long time, and I held my breath. My stomach knotted, and my heart was seconds away from splitting in two before she finally responded.
Of course I don’t hate you.
I exhaled heavily, dropping my head to my knees. I sobbed silently. I was causing that heartache in her, but there wasn’t anything I could do about it. Or there was, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t change my mind. My heart was going to get broken, one way or another.
Is this how Lara had felt? Why did I suddenly understand why she had tried to end her life? I shook my head sharply. Let’s not go down that rabbit hole.
I heard the door unlock behind me and quickly stood up, wiping my eyes. Althea’s eyes were brimming with tears as she stood aside to let me in.
“Althea, look at me,” I said.
Her green eyes swallowed me in, and I briefly forgot about everything. She transported me to another place, another timeline, where none of this was happening. I kneeled in front of her.
“I love you,” I whispered. “I love you more than you’ll ever know, and I hate that I’m hur
ting you. What can I do?”
“There isn’t anything you can do. I just need time.”
I held her waist in my hands and rested my head against her belly. She placed her hand on the back of my head, and I squeezed my eyes shut. “I don’t have a lot of time to give,” I said, starting to choke up. “I’m going to need you within a month. Please don’t leave me to do this on my own.” I started to cry again. These damn hormones.
“I won’t. I’ll be there, I promise. I just need a few days, OK? I’ve known your decision for a while, but it became real today when you told everyone. I just wasn’t expecting it to be so hard to hear it out loud.”
“I get that; I’m sorry.” I swallowed again as she combed her fingers through my hair.
“Don’t apologise. This is my fault, and I’ll never forgive myself for what happened in Brighton. I’m so sorry, Harry. For everything.”
“I’ve already forgiven you.”
“Then you’ve already given me more than I deserve.”
Wrath
PART 6
Wrath
25
Emilia
“Two more, come on,” I said, circling my client as she struggled to finish her round of pull-ups. “You’re almost finished; keep going.”
“I can’t,” Kirsten muttered, her arms shaking. She grunted at the halfway mark before dropping back and dangling from the bar. Her strawberry blonde hair reached the bottom of her shoulder blades, the tips moistening because of the sweat on her back.
“Yes, you can. Try again.” I placed my hands on her waist, hoisting her past the halfway point. Her chin reached the bar, and she lowered again. “Last one.”
She panted, readying for the final hurdle. Every muscle in her arms and back tensed, her face reddening with the exertion. With a groan, she managed the final pull-up, and I caught her as she let go of the bar, wobbling when she landed. She leaned forward, her hands on her knees.
