When he came back, he seemed more distant, his mind on other things, as if he was slightly closed off. ‘Sorry, what were we saying?’
‘Living arrangements.’ I felt awkward so I kept on talking. ‘I live in the tiniest little studio in Marrickville. Talking of do-it-uppers, that’s definitely a trash not treasure place.’ I looked around his house. ‘Judging by your style, you’d hate it.’
‘Oh, this? Sarah, my ex, did all this. Years ago. She’s very minimalist. Chic-urban, she called it. She put in the new range, the kitchen, the wall colour painted that muted oatmeal, that’s what she called it. But I think it’s nude. Or taupe. Actually, I don’t know what it is. She had the couches ordered from some German-Melbourne designer. They cost, like, half my annual salary.’
‘Well, they’re very comfortable, but now I’m feeling like I shouldn’t drink tea on it.’ I went to stand.
‘No, that’s fine, sit down, really.’ He smiled.
Suddenly I remembered Honey. ‘What are you doing tomorrow night?’
‘Um.’ His forehead creased in thought. ‘Nothing at the moment. Why?’
‘Oh, it’s Honey. I think she wanted you to have a babysitting shift.’ I couldn’t bring myself to call it a date.
‘Oh, OK.’ He didn’t seem as excited as I had thought he would. ‘Do you ever get the feeling it’s like we have a child?’
I laughed. ‘Sure do. At least she doesn’t want to crawl into my bed at night and co-sleep.’
But then I thought, a child? Why would he speak about his girlfriend like that? I couldn’t work him out.
Nick sounded amused. ‘Co-sleep? That’s a thing?’
‘I have lots of friends with kids and, yes, apparently that’s a thing, sleeping with your child for years, I think. I’m not sure. I have lots of other child knowledge too – it doesn’t stop there. I could also talk a lot about sleeping patterns, mastitis and potty training.’ It fell out of my mouth before my brain could filter it. I had just referenced poo and also sore red nipples! I was so used to discussing these things with Mags and Tansy that I forgot non-child humans probably didn’t chat about this. The look on his face seemed to be one of disgust, or was he trying not to laugh? I couldn’t tell. God, someone get me something stronger than a tea.
Something started vibrating. Nick leaned over and lifted up another phone that was plugged into the wall. ‘Sorry, I’ve got a work phone and a personal one. Too many phones. Hold on.’
He took the call, out in the hallway, but I couldn’t hear what he was saying.
‘Did you want a whisky?’ he said, coming back in looking a little strained. I wondered who he’d been talking to. I nodded. Actually, a whisky sounded perfect.
He settled back onto the couch when my phone started ringing. He laughed. ‘This time it’s you.’
It was Tansy. ‘I’m going to take this,’ I excused myself and slipped down the hall. I needed to hear a friendly voice.
I whispered hello into the phone, and she whispered hello back. ‘I just put Brie and Toby and Addy down all before nine, so I thought perfect timing for a long-overdue catch-up call! But I have to be quiet. So don’t tell me any exciting news.’
‘OK, I promise.’ And made sure I wouldn’t tell her I was in Nick’s apartment, otherwise I was sure she’d let out a big girly scream and then want to plan our wedding. ‘How are you?’ I asked her as I stared at Nick’s black walls.
‘Same as always here. Sick from Toby. This time it’s a really nasty fever virus thing, which makes me unable to hold more than one thought in my head.’
‘Oh, God, I’m sorry. Should I bring you something? Panadol?’
‘A new life. Or a hazmat suit,’ she joked. ‘Anyway, how are you? I haven’t heard from you in ages, and I wanted to check in.’
‘I’m good,’ I said stoically.
‘That’s great, Em, so why don’t you sound like yourself?’
Suddenly exhausted, I felt myself get a bit teary. ‘I don’t?’
I walked further down the hallway and slipped out of the front door, so Nick couldn’t hear me.
‘You sound exhausted. Like you did before, when you worked in marketing, remember? You ended up hating that job.’
I thought about it for a second. ‘Yeah, you’re right. I am really tired. Most days I’m literally rolling up yoga mats, and getting Princess Honey donuts at dawn. I feel a lot more like I work as her PA rather than in PR.’
‘Is she awful?’
‘No, she’s actually quite nice. I mean, she’s a typical millennial, always scrolling. And very demanding, because she’s used to getting everything she wants. But she’s nice.’
‘And what about your event?’
‘Well, I can’t really concentrate on that, because I’m basically babysitting Honey, and staging paparazzi shoots so we can spin her PR. I think I liked it better when I was struggling to find a theme for the event, at least that felt genuine.’ I sat in the hallway. ‘It just feels like I’m lying all the time. And I hate that. It’s not me. And no one appreciates that I’m working fourteen hours a day for literally no money.’ I sighed, sobering up at the thought of my situation. ‘Sorry, I know I’m going on a bit of a rant.’
Tansy put on her brightest voice. ‘You’re doing well, though, aren’t you? Don’t they love you?’
‘I’m doing OK. And if you mean, have they realised yet if I elaborated on my CV? No, I don’t think so,’ I whispered into the phone.
Although there had been a close call the other day when I was about to send the final confirmation email with the event details, and Phil had stopped me with horror, almost shouting. ‘You have to blind copy them! They can’t get each other’s email addresses,’ he’d said in complete shock, staring at me, saying, ‘Emma, these are celebrities and top VIPs, if you gave away their personal details, there’d be murder.’ Then he’d shaken his head as if I were absolutely bonkers. I’d had to tell him it was a silly mistake because I was so tired, but I’m not sure he bought it completely.
‘And to top it off, I don’t really have a life any more. During the week it’s work non-stop, and on the weekend, well, I sleep and clean, and make bad hair choices. Oh, I got a fringe, Tansy, and it’s a bit hideous.’
She tried to hide a laugh. ‘Surely, it can’t be that bad? I remember you looked rather sweet in grade two with one.’
I tried to give a small laugh. ‘Tansy, my life is just not going according to The Plan. I’m not sure Step 1 is going to plan, and Step 2 is a damp flat. And, you know, Step 3 is failing big time. Trying to find someone I really like in Sydney is really hard. Besides, I don’t even have time to go to the toilet at the moment, let alone go for a drink,’ I said, feeling miserable.
‘Em, is that what you actually want? To date someone in Sydney?’ She knew me well, almost too well.
I gulped and said nothing. Finally, I said, ‘How else will I find someone? I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.’
‘Maybe your person is thinking exactly the same thing, maybe they’re not in a nine to five job either, have you thought of that? Maybe they’re out travelling and you’re not going to find them putting on a suit every day. I hate to say this, Em, but maybe you’re not even meant to be in Sydney.’
Her words shocked me. ‘You think?’
‘Are you happy?’
Happy. I hadn’t stopped to think about that for a while. It had been weeks of long nights, and little sleep, and focusing at work – but was I happy?
‘I don’t know,’ I admitted.
‘OK, tell me three good things about working at Maker.’
‘OK!’ I said confidently. ‘One, it pays the bills. And … two, I’m learning new things. And three … um … three …’ I struggled to think of a third one. ‘Um, three …’
‘Well, I think that says it all, doesn’t it? I feel bad giving you the Maker details to begin with.’
‘No, don’t. I just thought I’d grown up, that’s all. That I was ready for this
.’
‘But you are grown up. That doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to want what me and Maggie have.’
‘It doesn’t?’
‘No, silly. There are more than just two ways of living. It’s not just backpacking travel or settling down in a city. There are so many other things you could do. Have you thought about that at all?’
I hadn’t.
‘I mean, we love having you here, but you’ve never liked big cities since as long as I can remember. You’ve always been trying to escape them. And working in PR – is that really what you think you should be doing?’
‘I’m not sure,’ I said slowly. ‘I thought since I had The Plan …’ I trailed off.
‘Maybe that life isn’t ever going to be your plan.’ In true best-friend fashion, she always knew how to cut to the chase.
‘When did you get so wise?’
She laughed. ‘Am I? I don’t feel wise. Today I put the car keys in the freezer and it took me over an hour to find them. And I only found them because I was having such a bad day, I wanted a spoonful of ice cream.’
We chatted about her kids and busy schedule for a few more minutes, then she had to go because Brie had woken up. When I put the phone down, I wondered if what she said was true. Maybe that life isn’t ever going to be your plan.
Then I thought about the last few weeks, and everything that had happened with my bad Sydney dates, and Nick and Honey and Macabre. The more I thought about it, the more I realised I was exhausted all the time. I lived in a shoebox; I had sore feet from high heels; I couldn’t sleep well at night and had started taking sleeping tablets, I was a professional babysitter, and I was lonely. And the one guy I thought I felt a connection with didn’t like me like that, at all. And now I was at his house, and trying to chat casually, as if we were just friends.
I knocked on Nick’s door. He answered it. ‘Emma. Third time tonight.’
‘Sorry, locked myself out,’ I said sheepishly.
He let me in. ‘How’s the phone battery?’
‘Actually I think I need a bit more, almost down to zero.’ The phone call with Tansy was making my mind race. My head was reeling. Was I ready to give up Maker? To leave? And if I was, where the hell would I go?
‘Emma, are you OK?’
I wasn’t sure.
‘Emma,’ he said quietly, and reached for my cheek with his hand. He brushed back a strand of my hair. I looked up at him. ‘Emma,’ he said again. His fingers curved around my jaw, as his other arm slipped round my waist. Inside my stomach flipped. I got goosebumps. He pulled me into him and I didn’t resist it. I lay my head on his shoulder and felt the warmth of his body through the fine cotton of his shirt for a few seconds. It felt as if my head belonged there; I couldn’t move. I wanted to press pause for a second, and just enjoy how he felt. He leaned back and was staring at me. ‘You looked like you needed a hug.’
So that was all it was. A friendly, you-look-miserable kind of hug. I tried to swallow back down the feelings that were fluttering – like giant butterflies – in my stomach.
‘I should go,’ I said, leaning back from the safety of his hug, because I knew if I stayed I’d do something or say something I would definitely regret.
Before I could move away, he reached both hands onto my cheeks, cupping my face.
Somewhere in my mind I knew he was going to kiss me. I didn’t move. He leaned over, until there was a space between us only a thin sheet of paper could slip between; his breath was warm and smoky like whisky. I sensed if I moved at all we’d touch. We stayed like that for a few seconds and then, sensing I wasn’t backing away, he leaned over, and touched his lips to mine. Just quickly grazing them with his, before pulling back.
I could barely breathe. He leaned towards me again. This time he kissed me softly, tenderly. Then urgently, and deeply, as it flared into something more passionate. There were fireworks going off in my chest, warmth exploded into heat. It made me shiver. My boss had just kissed me. What the hell was he doing? But he’d kissed me, and I’d felt – I’d felt everything.
‘I didn’t mean to do that,’ Nick whispered, breaking away. ‘We can’t.’
‘Can’t,’ I repeated, my head swirling.
‘Shouldn’t,’ he murmured.
‘Agreed.’ I looked up at him – God, I loved how tall he was.
But then he stared at me again, with those delicious eyes, and said, ‘But I want to. Badly.’
‘What about Honey?’ I asked.
‘Honey?’ Confusion crossed his face. ‘Our child? I think she’s fine in her hotel room.’
‘But aren’t you guys, a thing?’ I said.
Nick laughed and brushed away more of my hair. ‘No, wherever did you get that idea?’
But I couldn’t think of anything now, except being in Nick’s arms. And if he wasn’t with Honey, and he was kissing me, well, that told me everything I needed to know. ‘It doesn’t matter.’
‘Good,’ Nick said. ‘Let’s just focus on us, together.
‘Together,’ I murmured.
‘Together,’ he said, brushing his lips against mine.
And that was all he needed to say, because I fell into him, and he lifted me up – like actually carried me, as if I were weightless – into his room.
He laid me down on the bed, gently, and leaned in and kissed me. At first, he was slow, tender, but then he was moving more urgently, pulling up my silk blouse, yanking my tuxedo pants off me, as if he couldn’t wait to put his hot lips on my skin. When he did, using little flicks of his tongue on my stomach, and trailing a line of kisses down my legs, and then up my chest, I broke out in goosebumps.
He pushed down my bra cups to free my breasts, which he kissed softly, letting his teeth graze the tops of my nipples. Every hair on my body stood to attention. He stood, staring at me as he took off his shirt, and pants, until he was standing there naked, with his perfect body, staring at mine. He undid a condom and rolled it on, slowly. Then he lay on top of me and then embraced me, so we were skin against skin. And then he was kissing me, on the mouth, hot and passionate, and then down my body, my neck, my breasts, as though I was something to be devoured.
He couldn’t wait, and neither could I. ‘I want you,’ I said, and I meant on top of me, inside me, every part of him, and every part of me, together.
Excited, he pushed my lacy knickers to the right side, not even bothering to take them off. I was wet and so ready for him. He moaned as he entered me with one big thrust. ‘God, Emma.’
I felt as if something flashed across my entire body. I couldn’t stop my body moving, writhing under his. I clasped at his shoulders, my nails digging in, making lines down his back, unaware if it would hurt, because everything now just felt good, so good.
I lifted myself up, wrapped my arms around his neck, and pulled him into me, kissing him. ‘I want to do this forever,’ I said, lost to the moment.
‘We can,’ he said, stopping for a moment, and looking into my eyes. This was something else, something way more than the Medusa effect. The way he looked at me – with such a mixture of desire and care – undid me.
I writhed below his body, wanting more and more of him. He groaned. ‘Come, baby,’ I whispered. ‘You feel so good inside me.’ I could feel the rise of my own orgasm, flitting at the edges. ‘Oh, God, come, baby,’ I moaned into his ear.
My body was wracked with absolute desire; I wanted every inch of him, everywhere. Our pace quickened. I gripped his body with my legs, my arms, attached to him in every possible way. ‘Fuck, Emma,’ he groaned as we increased in pace, as he thrust even deeper into me. My hands were running wild down his back, through his hair. Every second sent us closer together. He gripped me, the back of my neck, as if he wanted to hold me forever. We were moving together like mad, as if it was never going to be enough, as if we were insatiable.
‘Oh, God,’ I moaned as the orgasm took over. I let out a high-pitched scream of ecstasy, at the same time that he let out a groan, and his
body shuddered as we climaxed together. My entire body stretched out into bliss for what felt like an indefinite eternity.
He looked down at me and kissed me, a last passionate, caring kiss. Then he collapsed on my chest and lay there for what could have been ten minutes or ten hours. Time had no bearing on us. I slipped my hands around his neck and kissed his sweaty head. He looked up at me and kissed my nose. Then brushed away my hair as he rolled onto his back and then scooped me up, so I lay on his smooth chest. It felt as if this was exactly where I belonged.
This wasn’t hot Fiji sex; this felt like something else. I didn’t want to say it, but it felt a lot like love.
***
I woke up with a smile on my face.
Nick and Emma. Nemma. Enick. We’d need to work on that. Perhaps our middle names were a better match? But it didn’t matter, because I hadn’t imagined it: this whole time there had been a connection.
I rolled over in bed; the clock read 7 a.m. Seven! I had to get up; so much to do today, in the final countdown for Macabre. But first, I wanted to lie in bed with Nick a little. I rolled over to say good morning, and reached out for his warm, beautiful body, but my hands found only empty, cool sheet. I lifted myself up on my elbows. Nick wasn’t there, and he wasn’t in the room either. He must have already got up.
I stretched and yawned. I bet he was busy in the kitchen, making us coffee, or on an early morning shop run, getting us bagels. I smiled as I thought about the night, and how amazing it had felt to finally kiss him. Our clothes from last night were still strewn across the floor – discarded in the heat of the moment. And, God, what a moment.
‘Yeeeeeeee!’ I whispered excitedly. Did this mean the girl got the guy? I think it did. With adrenaline pumping through my veins, I thought, I’m going to get up and see what’s going on in the kitchen, and where this gorgeous man is.
I threw on an old shirt of Nick’s I found hanging over his brown leather chair, which was so long it ended mid-thigh. It was perfect for the sexy morning-after look, because who knew, we had enough time to go back to bed, for a little while.
Just As You Are Page 20
