She did as he said, grateful he wasn’t leaving her. She didn’t want to be alone, not after that horrible dream . . . or memory. How could her memories be in her dreams?
Jayson wrapped his arm tightly around her waist and kissed the back of her head. “Go to sleep. I’ll scare away the bad dreams.”
Bad dreams, maybe. But what about the memories? How could he make those go away?
*****
Sabrina awakened to a hand under her shirt, a thumb grazing the bottom of her breast. Back and forth, gently, almost absentmindedly. Her body awakened immediately. Without opening her eyes, she knew the sun was up. She also felt a hard cock pressed against her lower back. She shifted slightly, and the thumb stopped. She froze, wondering what it would do next. His body was deliciously warm and snug against hers.
Jayson.
The thumb didn’t move for a long minute. She felt his heart beating hard against her back. He was awake, his thumb frozen on the outside curve of her right breast. She wanted him to move, to touch her hardened nipple. It tightened even more at the thought. She pressed her hips back slightly and heard a sharp inhale of breath. Slowly, his thumb moved inward, arching up to graze her areola and back down to the inside curve of her breast.
She hardly dared to breathe. His own was ragged. Her nipples began to ache for his touch when he stopped again.
She pressed her hips back and was rewarded with another sharp inhale. His heart pounded now.
His other arm was wrapped around her waist, so she guided his hand to cup her breast. She let out a deep sigh as he squeezed it gently. He groaned, and then his fingers flicked her nipple, making her gasp. She arched her back, pressing her breast into his hand. He took her nipple and rolled it between his fingers. She moaned and pushed her ass against his hard cock. He buried his nose in her hair as he pulled at her nipple, until she arched her back to follow it, then he released it. When she moaned, he repeated the motion.
She reached around and slid her hand down his tight stomach to stroke his cock over his pants. His hips flexed against hers and he pinched her nipple again. He groaned as she ran her palm up and down, flexing his hips to match her movements. She moved to slip her fingers into the waistband of his pants, but he grasped her hand.
“Sabrina, we shouldn’t do this.” He sounded as if the words were painful.
She turned over and gazed into Jayson’s brown eyes. “Why not?” she asked. Her body was on fire and she wanted him. Badly. She reached out, but he grabbed her wrist again.
“We can’t, Sabrina.” He stood quickly and stepped away from the bed.
Sabrina frowned, staring at the bulge in his pants. “You’re aroused. You want me. I want you. I don’t understand.”
Jayson exhaled through pursed lips and stared out the window behind her. “Because . . .” He chewed his lip and looked back at her. She saw both guilt and desire on his face. Finally, he sighed. “You need a chance to make other choices first.”
She was completely confused. He leaned down and kissed the top of her head. “If you choose me, I’ll be thrilled, but until then . . .” He shook his head. “We shouldn’t. We can’t.”
He turned and walked out of the room before she could ask him what in the world he was talking about. She didn’t even know what to think.
Chapter Nineteen
Sabrina tossed and turned all Friday night. All week, she’d struggled to sleep, feeling antsy, tingly, like sandpaper was constantly being drawn over her skin.
She finally got up and walked into the living room. Shivers ran through her body as she remembered the last time she felt like she needed to walk to clear her mind . . . when she was on the train. But there was no chance of meeting strangers in the living room of Liz and Jayson’s apartment. Her apartment now, she supposed. The idea was both comforting and strange. She had a home. Jayson and Liz had assured her of that several times this week. She could stay as long as she liked. Rent was reasonable, and she felt safe.
The furniture glowed silver in the bright moonlight shining through the window. She walked to the glass and gazed out onto the street below. Parked cars lined the curb, but none traveled along their narrow street. Not at three in the morning.
Today’s rehearsal had been challenging, but not because of the dancing. That came easily enough. It was interacting with Jayson that made it difficult. He wasn’t doing anything inappropriate. He treated her with respect and flirted lightly, mostly in a joking manner. But his hands on her waist when she turned, his command of her body as he lifted her so easily through her jumps . . . It wasn’t Jayson’s fault she was a whore, but he really affected her.
She wanted him to bring his hands up a tiny bit more when she turned. To stop her while in the middle of a pirouette and kiss her desperately. To push her up against the mirror and fuck her senseless.
Fucking whore. You’d fuck anyone who showed the slightest amount of interest.
She couldn’t deny it. It wasn’t Jayson. It was the fact he had a penis.
It had been the same way when she lived with Ramon. A few times, he’d left her alone for a few days, then when he, or anyone, came into the room, she was so desperate for touch, she’d do anything, anything, to get them to touch her. One time, Ramon held a knife up and told her to beg him to stab her before he’d fuck her. She did, and he fucked her from behind as he slowly impaled her breast with his blade. It had hurt and felt incredible at the same time. Another time, Khyan—
No, she didn’t want to think about that.
Sabrina hung her head in shame. How could she be so desperate for sex that she’d liked those sorts of things? She wished she could take care of things herself, but she’d been thoroughly conditioned to never touch herself. The memories that filled her mind if she tried were so horrible . . .
No, she’d rather go insane than think of those.
“Sabrina?”
She turned and saw Jayson walking toward her, shirtless. He looked so damn good, she dug her fingernails into her palms in the hopes that the pain would dull her desire. But it only intensified it.
“You okay?” he asked.
Sabrina shook her head. “I . . . I don’t feel well.”
“Are you getting sick? A cold maybe?”
She stared at him for a moment, then lunged, kissing him desperately. Her lips pressed against his, she wrapped her arms around him and leaned against his hard frame. He stiffened, but didn’t push her away. She took that as permission and ran her hands down his chest to the waistband of his pants. He hardened and groaned as she stroked him over the soft material. She slid her hand into his pants and he panted as she stroked him slowly.
When his lips parted, she slipped her tongue into his mouth, sliding her other hand into his hair to keep him from escaping. She knew how to stroke a man, and his moans told her she was doing it right. She started to kiss down his chest, but he grabbed both her wrists and stepped back, holding her away from him.
“Sabrina, I told you. We can’t.” His voice was strained, his eyes wide as he stared at her.
“Why not?” she whispered, tears filling her eyes.
Jayson pressed his lips together. “Because my best friend is in love with you,” he answered in a choked voice.
Sabrina felt as if she’d been doused with ice water. “What?”
“Chase. Chase Ralston. He’s been my best friend since we were kids. He’s in love with you.”
Sabrina stepped back, staring at him. She’d been fairly certain Chase was the best friend he had talked about, but to hear him say it made her numb. “What do you mean he’s in love with me? He’s . . . We only met one night. How . . . ? No, that’s not possible. Anyway, he’s married.”
Jayson squinted. “He’s married? What are you talking about?”
“It was five years ago, Jayson. How could he not have moved on? Gotten married and . . . stuff.”
“Well, there are a few people who would have liked that, but no, he’s not.”
Sabrina turned and walked to the window. Chase wasn’t married? Hope flickered in her chest, but she shook her head. Once he found out what she was, what she’d turned into, he’d turn and run away so fast, anyone standing near him would be knocked flat on their ass.
“How do you know who I am?” she asked.
“I know you were here just after Chase graduated from West Point. Martin told me he saw you and Chase together. Saw you guys talking and stuff that night. When Chase met you, he was completely—” He shook his head. “He fell hard for you, Sabrina. Never looked at another woman the same way. Ever.”
“I was only sixteen.”
“So?”
“I was a completely different person.” She spun around to face him. “You should tell him to stay away from me.”
“Why? He’s been desperate to find you. To find out what happened to you. He never stopped hoping.”
Sabrina snorted. “Some things are better left in the past.”
She stormed back to her room and flung herself onto her bed.
Well, now she definitely knew it was Chase. He obviously wasn’t around at the moment, though. Where was he?
He’s in the army, dumbass. Being the hero you know he is. She wouldn’t have to see him anytime soon, would she? When was his next leave?
If the disgust she’d seen on Jayson’s face that morning when they’d slept together was distressing, how much worse would it be to see it on the face of the man she’d held out hope of seeing for so long?
Well, one good thing came from that horrible conversation. Her desperate need for sex was gone. For now.
*****
Saturday morning, Sabrina threw herself into class, doing her best to ignore the agony in her heart. For the longest time, the thought of Chase had brought her hope and a desire to live. Now it only brought pain. Maybe it would be better if Chase were married. Then she wouldn’t have this lingering spark of hope that kept nagging at her. The tiniest chance he might accept her past and want to be with her anyway.
Stupid girl. Forget it. Move on. If he hasn’t already, he will when he sees you again.
She wanted to ask Jayson when he expected Chase to be home, but was afraid he’d think she wanted to see him. She did long to see him, though she wouldn’t admit it out loud.
“Don’t forget about the cocktail party on Friday night!” Martin said loudly as class ended and the dancers began to pack up their things.
“Cocktail party?” Sabrina asked, turning to Liz.
She shrugged. “Yeah. We have to go to things like that to show our appreciation to the donors.”
Sabrina shuddered. She’d “shown appreciation” before, and it was painful.
“It’s only a party, Sabrina,” Liz said quickly. Sabrina wondered if her fear had shown on her face. “We just go and talk with them. Nothing untoward or anything.” Sabrina gave Liz a skeptical look, making her laugh. “Okay, well, I’m sure some of the dancers show more ‘appreciation’ than others, but for the most part, it’s a respectable party.” She giggled. “It’s not bad. Good food. Free drinks.”
Sabrina realized Liz had no reason to lie. “Okay.”
“It’s fun to dress up. You could wear that black dress you got last week.”
“It’s that fancy?”
Liz nodded. “Oh yeah. And if someone likes you, you might even get invited to some of the big social events that happen after Nutcracker opens.”
“What do you mean?” Sabrina’s guard was up again.
“There are a lot of single male donors. Honestly, I think they do it because they like the girls. But they’re really generous. Ashley married one last year.” Liz nodded to a short, blonde dancer across the room talking to Kyle. “They’re not all perverts,” she said with a giggle. “Martin warns them about hurting his dancers.”
“Have you ever gone out with them?”
Liz laughed. “No. Jayson’s too protective. Besides, Jon and I have been together since I was in high school. Jayson wasn’t thrilled about it, but he’s okay now.”
“How much older is Jon than you?”
“He’s Jayson’s age. Twenty-six. I’m twenty-two.” She saw the hesitation on Sabrina’s face. “I’ll help you get ready for the party. It’ll be fun. I promise!”
“We have to go?”
Liz nodded.
“Okay.” She smiled a tiny bit. It might be fun to dress up. Especially with Liz helping her. It would certainly be a new experience. She’d never gone to dances in high school and missed her senior prom. Maybe she’d get to go to some of those fancy parties this year . . . if she was liked enough.
They began to walk home. “Jayson said he heard there was a new donor. Young and rich. I’m sure he’ll be the talk among the girls.”
Sabrina nodded, not especially interested. After walking in silence a few minutes, she asked, “Do you know Chase?”
“Jayson’s friend?” Liz asked. Sabrina nodded. “Do you know him?”
“Jayson didn’t tell you?” She was surprised.
“No.”
“We met when I was here before.” Sabrina told Liz about her time in Boston and about meeting Chase. “Things didn’t quite work out the way we planned.”
“Wow,” Liz said softly. “Did you come back here to find him?”
She didn’t answer right away. “I suppose that’s part of the reason I came here,” she said slowly. “But then I realized that . . . that things had changed, so I decided to focus on dancing and forget him.”
“How could you forget Chase?” Liz asked with a giggle.
Sabrina smiled, then sighed. “It’s better that way.”
“I don’t see him a whole lot, but I know he doesn’t go out with women often.”
Sabrina frowned. “Isn’t he still in the army?”
Liz shook her head. “No. He got badly injured about a year and a half ago and had to leave.”
A vision flashed before Sabrina’s eyes—a hot, dry desert and an attack . . . falling buildings . . . Chase lying on the ground.
I remember . . .
“He’s okay?”
“Yeah.” Liz nodded. “Started some sort of security firm about six months ago. He’s been traveling a lot since.” She gave Sabrina a shy smile. “I had such a crush on him when I was younger, but he always treated me like a little sister.”
“How long have he and Jayson been friends?”
Liz looked thoughtful for a long moment. “Well, they met when they were kids. Chase and his family moved back and forth from here a couple times before finally settling back in Boston after his dad died. I think they really became friends after that. I remember going to his house after they moved back the last time. They all looked so sad, but Chase . . . He stood tall and straight next to his mom, his hand on her shoulder. He looked like a soldier, even back then.” Liz looked at Sabrina. “He was only thirteen, but I could see the determination on his face. He looked like he dared anyone to say anything bad about his dad and hurt his mom. Found out later his mom’s parents had bashed her and his dad before they moved back here, saying how she deserved what she got for marrying Craig. It was horrible.” Liz wiped her eyes. Sabrina found her own eyes filling with tears. “Chase is a special guy.”
Sabrina stared at the sidewalk as they continued walking. She knew that already.
“You don’t think of using the word ‘upstanding’ a lot, but it’s such a good word to describe Chase. He’s always tried to do the right thing, always tried to be honorable and good. He didn’t even date that much in high school. He went to dances and stuff, but as far as I know, he never messed around with any girls.”
“What do you mean?” Was she talking about sex? He didn’t sleep around?
Liz l
aughed. “My brother was a player in high school. Went out with as many girls as he could. Chase . . .” She shook her head. “He always had dates for all the dances, he was Homecoming King, captain of the football and basketball teams, but he didn’t leave a string of broken hearts behind him. Honestly, I don’t even think he slept with anyone in high school. There were never any rumors flying around about him like that. Who knows what he did at West Point, though.”
Sabrina swallowed. He really was the good guy she believed he was. Now he definitely wouldn’t want anything to do with her.
They were silent for a while.
“I remember Chase and Jay talking about some girl Chase had met,” Liz said as they walked up the stairs to their building. She paused at the door and turned to Sabrina. “That she’d somehow disappeared and Chase couldn’t find her. That’s you, isn’t it?”
Sabrina shrugged. “Maybe.”
Liz grinned and hugged her. “He’ll be so happy to see you! I wonder if Jayson told him you were here.”
“He said something about leaving messages . . .”
“He’s usually gone for a couple weeks at a time, and he left a couple weeks ago. I’m sure he’ll be home soon. Then you guys can get back together!”
Sabrina shook her head. “I don’t think that’s going to happen.”
“Why not?” She looked bewildered.
Sabrina shrugged. “I just . . . I don’t think he’ll be as interested in me as he was. I’m not the same person.”
Liz stopped and took her hand. “I know I don’t know everything that happened to you, but I do know that Chase is a really amazing guy. Don’t sell yourself short. You’re a sweet girl. I think he’ll be thrilled to see you again.”
Chapter Twenty
A dark place.
So dark . . .
Slowly, tiny golden lights appear near me, dancing around my body. I hold out my hand and the luminescent sparkles swirl between my fingers. A few land on my palm and burrow into my skin. I gasp at the tingling sensation. It doesn’t hurt, though. It actually feels good. Like breathing pure oxygen.
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