“Are there only four?” I asked. I’d seen one with blue hair, one with pink, one with green and one with purple hair—Pirate Doug’s bloodthirsty mate, Tallulah. I was hoping to see an orange-haired beauty, but no such luck. Or maybe it was luck…
“Nay,” Pirate Doug said. “There’s more, but the ones you saw are related—sisters. Horrible vile women. You’re gonna love them.”
“Doubtful,” I muttered, wondering if it was safe to get out of the tree. At this point, leaving the Mystical Isle seemed prudent. “Do you have any clue why they want to kill me?”
“Nope,” he said. “Have you ever been around a Mermaid before?”
Nodding curtly, I kept the pathetic story to myself. I wasn’t about to tell my dolt of a brother that I was basically left at the altar by the Mermaid love of my life.
“Do you know how to talk to the swimming hookers?” he asked.
“Umm…” Had that been my problem with Petunia? I hadn’t thought so, but…
Pirate Doug eyed me for a long moment. “Fine, Delpenis. I’ll teach you.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” I said with a pained laugh. “It’s Delphinus. Not Delpenis. Actually, just call me Del. That will save me having to kick your ass into the next century.”
“My bad,” he said. “Could have sworn Pappy called you Delpenis.”
“He drinks. A lot,” I pointed out.
“Correct,” Pirate Doug said, his eyes narrowing with displeasure. “The diaper-wearing dingleberry called me Pirate Slug. Can you believe that shite?”
“Umm… no. That’s awful,” I said, trying not to smile. Doug was clearly hurt by the unflattering nickname. As ridiculous as the man was, I kind of liked him. I’d never had a brother before. Of course, I would have chosen someone who didn’t wear skin-tight breeches and a puffy shirt, but beggars couldn’t be choosers. And he did save my life.
“I’d like to grant you a wish for sparing me from castration by Mermaid, Pirate Doug,” I told him.
My brother got so excited at the prospect of a wish that he squealed like a girl and fell out of the tree. I winced as I watched the idiot hit every branch on the way down. Coming here was a huge mistake. Why had I trusted Poseidon after one good smackdown? Maybe I was as stupid as my brother.
“I’m good,” Pirate Doug yelled, hopping to his feet and popping his shoulder back into the socket. “Should I come back up or do you want to come down?”
“I’ll come down,” I told him as I snapped my fingers and my magic carpet appeared.
Floating down to the ground, I hopped off and stared at my brother. He was a hot mess—palm leaves were stuck in his breeches and his hair. Whatever. Not my problem.
“So, about that wish,” Pirate Doug said, rubbing his hands together with glee. “Any ground rules?”
With an eye roll that beat his earlier one, I sighed. “You can’t wish someone dead. I can’t make anyone fall in love and I can’t bring anyone back from the other side. Other than that, it’s anything goes.”
“First off, I’d like to congratulate you on your pecker,” Pirate Doug said, slapping me on the back. “Biggest schlong I’ve ever seen on the Super Bowl.”
“You’ve seen a lot of schlongs on the Super Bowl?” That confused him. Note to self—stay away from sarcasm with my brother. “Never mind. What is it that you want?”
“A bigger schlong, Delpenis,” he announced, going for his pants to show me what he was working with at the moment.
“Do not pull down your pants, jackhole. And do not call me Delpenis. If you do, I’ll call you Dong.”
“It’s Doug,” he corrected me.
“I know,” I snapped. “I was making a point.”
He stared at me blankly.
Gods help me… “You see since you said Delpenis, I gave you a dick name as well.”
Still a blank stare.
“Dong,” I said, trying to make him understand. “Dong is another term for dick. Get it?”
Pirate Idiot threw his head back and bellowed with laughter. “I like it,” he yelled. “You can be Delpenis and I’ll be Pirate Dong. The Immortal Universe will then know we’re well-hung brothers.”
How did that go so wrong? “Okay. No,” I said flatly. “If you call me Delpenis, I’ll remove your dong? You feel me?”
“Would it be a permanent removal?”
Was he serious?
He was.
“Yes, it will be permanent.”
“Got it,” Pirate Doug said as he went back to removing his breeches.
“STOP,” I shouted. “I don’t need to see your dong to make it larger. And if you pull it out, I’ll kick your ass so hard it will come out of your mouth.”
“Great,” he said with a thumbs up. “Too many buttons on my fucking breeches anyway. Took me an hour to get them on this morning.”
“Right,” I said, thinking this was a very bad idea on his part. But I was just the Genie—the granter of wishes. Technically, I wasn’t supposed to comment on what someone wanted. Right now, that was difficult.
“I want it about twice the size of yours,” Pirate Doug announced. “Can’t have a brother with a bigger salami than mine.”
“You’re joking,” I said, trying not to laugh.
“Nay,” Pirate Doug said. “Serious as a fart attack.”
“You mean heart attack?” I asked, biting the inside of my cheek so I didn’t laugh in his face. The dolt was actually growing on me. Although, my standards were a little low at the moment considering I’d been incarcerated in a bottle for twenty-five years.
“Nope. A fart attack. My man, Upton, made bean salad on our last pilfering voyage—deadly stuff. If I wasn’t fucking immortal, I would have died from the smell of my own farts—very serious indeed, brother. And just a heads up, if Upton makes his salad for the party tonight, do not eat it.”
“Are you always like this?” I asked. “Or is this a special occasion?”
“Not following,” Pirate Doug said, looking perplexed.
“Of course, you’re not,” I said, shaking my head. Well, at least he was honest. “Can I give you a little brotherly advice?”
“Absolutely,” he said.
“You might not want to go twice the size of my dick,” I told him. “Might be kind of hard to walk, dude.”
“Was that a pun?” Pirate Doug asked.
I had to think about it for a second and then I laughed. “It was a bad one, but yes.”
“I knew it!” he said, dancing a little jig. “And don’t you worry yourself about me walking. I’m the deadliest, best looking Vampire-Pirate on the High Fucking Seas. I’ll be fine. I will be registering my wank in the Guinness Book of World Records later today.”
His humility was nonexistent. This was a shitshow waiting to happen.
“Pirate Doug?”
“Yes, Delpenis?”
Ignoring the botched version of my name, I made one last attempt to save my brother from himself. “I’m going on record and saying this is a very bad plan,” I told him.
“Bad plan is my middle name,” he assured me. “Let’s do it!”
Well, I tried… With a wave of my hand, I gave my imbecile brother his wish. He immediately screamed and doubled over in pain since his tight breeches clearly racked him.
“New pair of breeches?” Pirate Doug wheezed, looking like he was going to pass out.
“That’s two wishes.”
“It’s either that or I go schlong to the wind, brother,” he squealed as his voice rose higher and higher.
“This one is a freebie,” I said, snapping my fingers and giving him a pair of breeches that made room for his ample new appendage. He looked ridiculous since the crotch of his pants almost touched the ground, but he seemed delighted.
“Ahhhh,” Pirate Enormous Package said in relief, as he waddled over to a large rock and tried to sit down.
He couldn’t.
“Problem?” I asked with a grin.
“Might have made a little miscalculati
on on the size of my taco hammer,” he said, trying desperately to find a position that didn’t squash his new and improved manhood.
“You think?” I asked, with a shake of my head.
“Can we make it a little smaller but still bigger than yours?” he asked, still trying to find a position that wouldn’t send him into agonizing pain.
I eyed my brother and wondered if the rest of the thousand siblings I had were as dimwitted as he was. Technically, it was his third wish, but he was blood-related. The binding didn’t happen unless I granted three wishes to someone who was not in my family tree. Taking a deep breath, I said a prayer to every god I could think of that Pirate Dong wasn’t illegitimate. Being bound to him for eternity was not my idea of a good time.
“Fine, I’ll fix your dick. Then you have to hold up your end of the deal,” I told him.
“Will do,” he said. “And I’ll throw in a case of rum that I stole from Pappy—good stuff.”
With another wave of my hand, I fixed my brother’s dong and gave him a new pair of breeches. His enormous sigh of relief made me laugh. Hopefully, he learned a lesson today, but somehow, I doubted it.
“You’re sure they like to be called swimming hookers?” I asked, taking a swig off the excellent bottle of rum.
Pirate Doug had snuck me out to his ship. He assured me that I was safe from the hookers here. Apparently, they refused to board his ship. I didn’t blame them. It was a filthy shitshow of epic proportions.
“Aye,” he said, nodding his head. “Swimming hooker is a term of endearment.” He stopped mid-sip and gasped. “No. Wait. Don’t call them swimming hookers. You’ll get your bacon bazooka tied in a knot and your arse kicked out to sea.”
Shaking my head, I groaned. What did I expect? My brother was an idiot.
“Always compliment their hooters with flowery language,” he went on. “Variety is the rice of life.”
“You mean spice,” I corrected him.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“As I was saying,” Pirate Doug continued with his horrifying suggestions. “I shake it up. For example, this morning I called Tallulah’s bazongas bone- inducing sweater puppets.”
“How’d that go over?” I asked, closing my eyes and realizing I was going to die sooner if I used my brother’s guidelines.
“Surprisingly well,” he replied. “My purple-haired she-devil gut-punched me but didn’t try to decapitate me. I call that a win. I almost went with shirt potatoes, but I’m saving that one for a special occasion.”
“Let me know how that works out,” I said.
“Will do, my brother,” Pirate Doug replied and finished off the bottle.
He was no help at all. At least the rum was good. However, I still couldn’t figure out how I was supposed to get my Genie Star Fire Light back here. Maybe Poseidon had sent me here to die quickly, instead of the slow agonizingly painful death that was coming for me. It was shitty, but somewhat compassionate in a soused kind of way.
“You could also kill our sister and earn some points with the hookers,” Pirate Doug informed me.
“I’m sorry. What?” I asked certain I’d heard him wrong. “Kill our sister?”
“Aye,” he replied. “Actually, Pappy disowned the scurvy wench thousands of years ago. She’s a murderous tar stain on the arse of society.”
I held my tongue. As far as I could tell, his mate fit that description as well.
“How would that earn me points?” I asked, thinking my family was seriously fucked up.
“Charybdis is causing deadly whirlpools all around Mystical Isle. My Tallulah runs a tourist trap for humans and it’s really screwing with business. Those whirlpools will suck even the strongest immortal to his death. Humans don’t stand a chance. It’s a black spot to the entire Immortal Universe.”
My stomach clenched. My fingers began to spark and I set the deck of Pirate Doug’s ship aflame. Quickly waving my hand, I put it out. The ship was filled with so much shit, it would go up like a rocket if the fire spread.
“Sorry,” I muttered as I began to pace.
“No worries,” he said. “Tallulah tries to blow up the ship weekly. It’s our little game. Only sucks when I’m aboard.”
Deciding to ignore my brother’s difunctional relationship, I remembered my own. I could still remember the conversation like it was yesterday. I held my beautiful Petunia in my arms as she cried and told me of her parents’ death. A deadly magical whirlpool had ended their lives. Thankfully, her father had thrown her to safety. The coincidence was too much to avoid.
“Is Charybdis the only being that can cause this kind of maelstrom?” I asked, feeling a fury consume me.
“Aye,” my brother confirmed. “Only our sister, the murderous sea monster, is capable of creating a poisonous magical vortex like that. The wankin’ hag has tried to scuttle my ship for centuries.”
I now believed for sure that Poseidon had sent me to my death. However, I was fine with it. I couldn’t have the Mermaid of my dreams, but I could avenge her and kill the one who had murdered her parents. Petunia might never know what I’d done for her, but I would. I’d die knowing I’d done right by her even though she didn’t want me.
“I’ll kill Charybdis,” I said, standing up and feeling like I finally had a life purpose for what little life I had left. “The sea monster is mine.”
“Ahhh shite. I forgot something,” Pirate Doug said, bashing himself in the head with the rum bottle.
That had to hurt. “What?” I asked, wondering if he’d given himself a concussion.
“You might have to fight another vicious Mermaid,” Pirate Doug said. “Someone else has called for the head of Charybdis. Although I’m sure the swimming hooker wouldn’t mind a hand.”
My heart began to beat rapidly in my chest. I felt light-headed and thought maybe Pappy hadn’t sent me to my death after all. But there was only one way to find out…
“Who wants the head of Charybdis?”
“Petunia,” Pirate Doug announced. “The cousin of my mate and every bit as insane. However, her mammary cannons are outstanding.”
I wanted to punch his lights out for even noticing Petunia’s ladybumps, but I reminded myself that she wasn’t mine. Pirate Doug, as idiotic as he was, had my back. It was a bit terrifying, but it meant the world to me right now.
“Can you keep a secret, brother?” I asked him.
“You mean, like don’t tell anyone?” he asked, trying to get it all straight.
“Yes. Like don’t tell anyone. Can you do that for me?”
“You fixed and improved my disco stick,” Pirate Doug said reverently. “Not to mention, you’re my brother. I will keep your secret until the day I die.”
So, I told him. I told him everything. Of course, I had to explain things two and three times before he actually understood. It was a relief to get it all off my chest. I needed an ally—a friend—a brother.
Pirate Doug stood up and offered me his hand. When I went to take it, the dumbass pulled me into an embrace and held me tight. It felt good. It felt right. It felt like this might be the beginning instead of the end.
“Delpenis and Pirate Dong forever,” my brother shouted into the wind. “Two well-hung brothers who will WIN!”
And then again, I suppose it could be the end.
7
Petunia
“That was freakin’ bizarre,” I muttered as I wiggled my nose and magically morphed my tail back to legs. Walking out of the salty sea, I turned and gazed out at the sparkling teal blue water. Squinting my eyes and staring at the waves, I told myself I was nuts. The ocean was usually my happy place, but not today.
The whirlpools were vicious and lethal and now multiplying. Charybdis was nowhere to be found. However, that didn’t throw me off as much as the tricks my mind was playing on me.
“What was bizarre, lassie?” Upton asked, shaking the water off of himself like a dog after a bath.
“Did you hear two men tal
king while we were searching for Charybdis?”
“Aye, but methinks t’was only one scallywag blabberin’,” Upton said with a nod. “Pirate Doug was on his ship most likely talkin’ to himself. His brother is arriving later and we’re havin’ a shindig tonight to celebrate! Pirate Doug was probably practicing his speech so the wonderful swimmin’ hooker, Tallulah, won’t have to de-pecker him. Me Captain tends to say the wrong thing—if ye know what I mean.” Upton giggled and then began to bounce on his toes. “I’m making me bean salad. Ye have to try it.”
“I thought you couldn’t cook,” I said absently as I made my way back to my hut. I didn’t even have the energy to correct Upton’s insulting term for my kind. I felt wildly unsettled for some reason.
“Me bean salad is me one and only dish. A Pirate has to be able to concoct a hearty meal for his arses. I learned me bean salad from the cartoon channel,” Upton said with pride.
“Well then, I’ll definitely have some,” I promised with a smile. Gods only knew what it would taste like since the cartoon channel wasn’t really known for their recipes. “Umm… Upton?”
“Aye lassie?”
“I could have sworn on Poseidon’s diaper I heard someone yell ‘Delphinus and Pirate Doug forever. Two well-hung brothers who will WIN!’ Did you hear that?” I asked, sure I was going insane.
“Nay, I heard ‘Delpenis and Pirate Dong forever. Two well-hung brothers who will WIN!”
“Oh,” I said, feeling ridiculous. “That’s an entirely different story. And seriously gross.”
“Aye,” he agreed. “Do ye want to help me make the bean salad? All ye have to do is open up thirty cans of beans and add mayonnaise and chocolate chips,” Upton explained, clearly aware that I was off.
“Not today,” I told him and kissed his bald head. Note to self—do not eat the bean salad. Ever. “Maybe another time.”
“Don’t ye worry yer pretty orange head, Petunia. We’ll find Charybdis yet. The vile wench can’t hide from us forever.”
“Right,” I said quickly. Of course, he thought my disquiet was due to coming up empty- handed again in our search for the murderous sea monster. He was wrong. But I didn’t want to admit the real reason even to myself. It had to have been that I saw the jackhole’s picture on Immortal Snatch. Now I thought I heard his dang voice. I needed a pina colada and a nice nap. “What time is the shindig?”
Petunia's Pandemonium Page 6
