by C.M. Kars
“For one, I love seeing you in my clothes. For second, baby, I’ve been waiting a long time for those nerdy shirts of yours to be on my bedroom floor. Please?”
She sighs, but moves to her back and fiddles around until she gets my shirt on her head. Okay, I feel better. It’s dumb as hell, but I feel better. Maybe I didn’t do anything wrong. Maybe this is all new for her.
Hell, it’s all new for me, too.
When she’s done, I get an arm hooked around her and haul her close, getting a leg between hers, rolling her into my side and practically crushing her with my body. I start nuzzling into her neck. The only way to do that is to give it to someone to help you share the load.
“You’re going to learn some bad things about me, Sera. Real shitty things about the asshole I used to be. I don’t want it to touch you, but it will. I want you to remember us, like this, before you run off on me.”
“Okay,” she whispers. I have a feeling she’s not taking this seriously.
“I’m being serious, baby. Judge me on the man I am now, and not the kid I was back then. S’all I’m asking of you. God, I can’t believe you’re in bed with me. And you’re letting me hold you like this.”
“Why wouldn’t I let you hold me like this, Hunter?” Shit.
“You’re so good to me. You’re so good to Matty, even after all the shit that’s gone down, you’re still here. With me.”
“I gave you a hand job. That does not constitute me ‘being good to you’. You’re freaking me out. What does the past matter?”
Sera’s so unbelievably sweet. I lean in to kiss her but only get the corner of her mouth. “It matters, baby. It just does. I’ll tell you when I’m ready, all right?”
“Fine, whatever. Good night.”
“And the hand job was spectacular. I saw the sun at a close-range distance.”
She snorts, trying to hide behind the covers.
“You think Aly ever had a juice or candy for me in her purse? Sera, when you kiss me, you kiss me. I’m not a mouth to you; I’m not just a cock.”
She turns to me now, and it’s amazing. Everything about her is amazing. “You have those things, you are not just those things.”
“Exactly.”
“I’m not following.”
I move some hair behind her ear, trace the skin of her cheek with my fingers, down over her nose, her lips. I don’t want to be telling her this, but she needs to know – for all our sakes.
“I’m a way to get off, baby. I’m also a paycheck, a guarantee of a cozy future.”
“Where does Matty factor into all this?”
“He doesn’t. She’d ship him off as soon as the marriage license was signed. Not gonna happen.”
“Yeah, over my fraking dead body. Who the hell does she think she is? Lilith?” She gets a hand on the side of my neck and I like that a hell of a lot. Also, I have no fucking clue what she just said? Who the hell is Lilith?
“Are you talking about one of your shows again?”
“You bet.”
I chuckle. I love how her shows get mixed up in the words she says. There’s always going to be something to talk about. Always.
“Which one is this?”
I learn about this show called Supernatural, which sounds stupid, but I keep my mouth shut. Sera tells me there’s these two brothers that travel in this solid1967 Chevy Impala across America fighting monsters and whatever baddies go bump in the night. But then she gets into it, what the story means to her, and she sounds like she’s almost in love with the two of them – and they aren’t even real.
Here I am, jealous again of fictional characters.
She gets into the story, talking about the apocalypse and about some angels and demons, and hell, even Lucifer, and some monsters I didn’t quite catch the names of.
“Aren’t you terrified of going to go to sleep every night? What if we lived in a world where all that shit existed?” I’m man enough to say I’m shit-scared of horror movies. My life’s enough of a roller-coaster ride, thanks.
“I already have packets of salt in my purse for such an occasion. Salt stops, like, eighty percent of things that go bump in the night. And, and, and the whole show is about killing these things. It’s basically like a manual. I know how to kill everything already,” she tells me.
“Fuck.”
“What?” Sera asks.
“I just pictured you in leather pants and a black tank. Jesus Christ your ass would look amazing in leather pants. Then I wouldn’t be able to let you out of the house, since every guy with a half a dick would want a piece of you.”
“I think only you see me that way.”
Don’t get pissed. She’s admitting something to you; this isn’t a game. “Baby, it’s not my fault you haven’t noticed.”
“Right.” She yawns. “I’m tired, I want to go to sleep now. Would you shut up? Wait a sec, Hunt. Who’s Jules?”
I know she feels it, my hesitation, the way I’m strung tight. I was doing so well… and I can’t get into this now.
Not when Sera’s not mine yet.
“It doesn’t matter. She’s Matty’s mom and she died a long time ago. Sweet dreams, baby.” I kiss her, feel the distance between us even though I’ve practically molded my body around her. I’ve fucked shit up.
Again.
There’s a tug of war in the morning that I let Sera win. She gets out of bed, and even though I let her, I think we both know I’m in no shape to be getting up right now. My sugar’s high enough to make me feel like I should do nothing for the next forty-eight hours. It’s something like right after stuffing my face Thanksgiving dinner and feeling like a ton of bricks are in my stomach and sleep is the only thing that sounds good.
I’m foggy this morning, and when I open my eyes and blink a few times, my vision’s still blurry. Just another reminder of how diabetes is kicking my ass. And I was good yesterday, I really was.
I didn’t eat shit, and fuck, what Sera and I did, it’s pretty much like a workout at the gym. So I should’ve been cool. Maybe I’m going to have to adjust my insulin, keep tabs on how I feel with the new change.
Fuck.
Couldn’t I just be thinking about coffee like a normal person?
I hear Sera waking the kid up, tickling him awake. I haven’t heard him laugh like that in a long time. Shit, what am I doing here?
“What’s up, little man? What’s with the glum face?” I hear Sera ask him.
“Where did you come from?”
Oh, shit. Yeah, didn’t think of that when you were dreaming about Sera’s pussy, now were you?
“Well, uh, from next door, of course!”
“I don’t like Sundays,” he says.
“Nobody likes Sundays, kid. It’s a fact of life.”
“Tomorrow is Mondaaaaaay,” Matty whines. “I have to go to school tomorrow, and I don’t wanna!”
The kid’s legit crying. I need to get up, I need to get up.
My legs are solidified with cement, and my abs just won’t listen and contract to shove my ass up. I need my insulin, bad.
C’mon, MacLaine. Deal with one emergency first. Sera’s got this.
“Matty!? What the bloody hell is going on?!”
I shuffle out of my room, holding onto the wall ’cause my head is swimming. I get to the kitchen and listen with half on ear on the pair of them.
“Kids at school make fun of meeeeeeee. They say I can’t play with them because I can’t keep up. They won’t even let me try, Sera! Daddy says everyone gets a chance, sometimes even two! And they won’t give me one, ever! It’s not fair!”
“You know, kids used to make fun of me, too.” There it is. There it fucking is.
“Is that true?” Kid, she’s not lying. Can’t you hear it in her voice?
“Yeah. Everyone in my grade used to make fun of me. But I had some friends who made me forget about all that stuff for the day. They helped make me feel better. Do you have any friends at school who can help you like that?”
/>
“You’re not sick.” The kid says ‘sick’ like it’s personally caused him harm. That’s my fault, too. I get a syringe ready and nab my insulin from the fridge. Squinting to get the dosage right, I think about going into Matty’s room and asking Sera to check it for me. I blink hard a few times, and the numbers come into focus.
I was right on the money. Plunging it into my thigh, gritting my teeth against the slight pain, I keep listening.
“It didn’t matter,” Sera explains. “People, anybody, they make fun of you because you’re different. It’s the way it is, little man, and I’m sorry about that.”
“How are you different?”
“I’m not... I’m not like everybody else. I’m not...I’m not beautiful like other girls. A lot of people made fun of me because of that.”
Yeah, Sera’s not going to be walking a fucking catwalk. So the fuck what? She’s beautiful. I need to tell her more.
“Who said that to you? I’m gonna – I’m gonna kick ‘em in the shin!”
That’s my boy. Is that okay, Jules? That he’s mine?
“Matty, I’m telling you this because I want you to know you’re not alone. Find a friend at school who makes you laugh, or who you can play hide and seek with and doesn’t mind if you get tired too fast.”
Shit. I woulda told him to knock the little shit kid down on his ass. That’s why Sera’s the brains in this duo, and I’m the dumb brawn.
“I don’t know anybody like that.”
“I bet you do, you’re just not thinking properly. I think you have a bad memory, kid. Any other boys or girls?”
“Candace likes Harry Potter, too! She told me one time, when we were sitting next to each other at lunch.”
“How do you know she likes Harry Potter?”
“She said his name, Sera.”
“Right,” Sera says.
I’m grinning now. This conversation has me actually smiling. Time to make an appearance.
“Good morning, kid.”
“Hi, Daddy! I’m hungry.”
“Eggs and bacon?” I ask him, looking at Sera, lying down next to him, one hand keeping her head up on an elbow.
“Uhhhhhh, are there sausages?” he asks. “I like sausages better.”
I smirk. He’s always gotta make me work for it.
“Yeah, I got that, Matty. Brush your teeth and come help. We’re going to make Sera breakfast today.”
“How come?” he asks.
“Sometimes when someone makes you feel happy, you do things for them without saying thank you,” I say, hoping that sounded right. I keep my eyes on her, and will her to get it.
“Why can’t you just say thank you?”
“How many times are you going to say thank you to Sera for reading to you every single night, huh?”
“I say it every night.” Matty’s right down panicked. “I tell you every night, don’t I? I love reading Harry Potter with you! Thank you, Sera!” He grabs her and kisses her on the cheek. I didn’t even get the chance to do that this morning.
“You’ll understand when you’re older, kid. Just remember what I said for now. C’mon, buddy. Go brush your teeth, and put some socks on. I’m starting with or without you in five minutes.”
Matty flies out of his bed, jumping down and colliding with my legs before rushing to the bathroom.
I move to Matty’s bed and crouch, getting a hand on the back of Sera’s neck. Her eyes are dark, and she’s sucking in her bottom lip.
“How are you?”
“I’m hungry, actually.”
“S’not what I meant, but I’ll give it to you this one time.” I kiss her on the cheek, then the corner of her mouth, then full on. She gives me back what I wanted, so I pull back and smile. We’re going to be good, as soon as I tell her all of it.
How I basically have lied to her this entire time about Matty being my kid, even though I’m the only dad he’s ever had. How I’m basically the reason Jules is dead.
“We have to talk, you and I.”
“All right.”
“Another time. When you can have the space you need to do what you need to do.”
“Cryptic much? You’re worse than The Riddler, you are.”
I think that’s Batman. Maybe.
My mouth’s still doing the happy thing, but I’m just not feeling it. “I have to be. You’ll understand soon.”
She gets a hand up, palm out. “As of this moment, are you a drug dealer?”
“No.”
“Do you have a criminal record? Do you think you should have a criminal record?”
“Depends who you talk to.”
“Uh, not inspiring confidence over here.”
“I wasn’t the best of people when I was younger, all right? I promise you that my life has changed since then. I just need to tell you so you know whose mouth you’re kissing.”
“Have you killed anyone?”
“Not me.”
“You swear to God you’re not involved in any more illegal activity? Like you’re a hundred percent squeaky clean?”
I get closer, watching her legs open so my ribs hit either side of her inner thighs. I wanted to be doing something else in this position, but this shit’s important, too.
“I’ll swear to Bruce Wayne if you want. I promise you that is all over with.”
“Then why all the secrecy? What could be so bad about what happened years ago?”
“I want you to know about me, the bad and the repulsive. Only then will I be deserving of you. I swear to Christ I’ll never let you down. Ever. You can count on me.”
“I need you to answer me first. You think I’m important in your life?” Sera asks.
“Absolutely.” Deep breath, MacLaine. Brace yourself.
“Do you think I’m important enough and Matty’s important enough in your life that whatever happened in the past will make me run away from you both?”
“Yeah.”
“And you think once I know the truth, and nothing but the truth, I’m going to run away screaming, right? And you’re hoping I can perform some sort of miracle and stay with you?”
I nod again.
“Well, who the hell do you think I am?”
“I think you’re better than Bruce Wayne.”
“Bruce Wayne saves people. He’s a hero.” Sera’s eyes are wide and she’s looking at me like I’m psycho.
I’m grinning, after all that shit I said, this is the part that gets stuck in her head. Bruce Wayne. I move closer, making our mouths touch and say, “Baby, you saved me that day in the hall.”
Chapter 29
I’m a fucking mess, and I have no one to call. Sera left her phone here.
Goddamn it.
I’m crashing low again, and I can’t think.
Fuck you, body, just do something I tell you do, for once. Fucking think!
Sera’s taken Matty to the hospital.
I yelled at her again. I yelled at her again, when I promised I wouldn’t.
Jesus Christ, why does she keep trying with me? What’s the point? All I do is disappoint people around me.
I’m on my ass in the living room, staring at the door, wondering why there aren’t cracks around the frame. I knew Sera was pissed.
Even in her anger, she doesn’t destroy things – not like I do.
Should I bring out the violin?
Shut up.
I’ve got my phone in my palm, staring through my contacts, trying to figure out what to do. I need to go to the hospital. I need to be there for Matty; I need to be there for Sera to forgive me.
Christ, it’s like a bad dream, thinking back to the words I said to her, how I yelled at her, how I basically said I didn’t want Matty in my life.
That’s not true, none of it is true.
I’m just exhausted. I’m tired of sucking at my life. I’m tired of watching Sera do everything better than me – even being a parent. She’s known the kid a few months and it’s like she’s his mom.
Is th
at why you’re punishing Sera? Because she’s taking Jules’ place and you can’t deal with that on your head?
I miss my sister, so much sometimes that I can’t breathe through the guilt. I can’t take it anymore, the way Matty looks at me, his blue eyes like hers, his hair like hers, but other than that, she’s fading away.
Am I punishing Sera for it? Did I snap because it’s all tumbling down around me?
I need to get up. I need to get up and get to the hospital.
Colours swirl in my apartment, floating and twirling like they’re dancing to some kind of silent song. It’s pretty, yeah, but it’s also a bad sign. I need juice, but I can’t get up right now, I’m weak.
Where’s my superhero? Where’s Sera?
Right, she’s with the kid. At the hospital. And she left, and she’s pissed at me because of what I said. What did I say again?
Doesn’t matter. I need to get up. I need to get into the kitchen and get some juice. Yeah, that’s what I need to do.
So move, MacLaine. Get up.
Maybe I should just sit here. Sleep a bit.
That sounds like an even better idea.
Get up, get some juice, and go get your girl. She needs you and Matty needs you. You can’t give up, asshole. You’re not allowed.
I don’t know how, but I move. I stand and get some orange juice from the carton and chug and chug ’til the cold liquid sears my throat, and then I drink some more. Probably I’ll get a high in a few hours, but fuck that. I have shit to do.
I need to get Sera back.
But I have to find a way to get there first.
I should’ve called Eddie. Why didn’t I think of Eddie?
My brain’s compromised, and it didn’t hijack enough sugar to work properly until after I phoned Aly. Christ, she’s pissing me off.
“You bring that hand near me again, and I’m going to break it,” I tell her, watching the road for her since she doesn’t seem to care one way or another. We should be at the hospital in another ten minutes.
Ten minutes spent in the car with Aly, and I’m going to fucking lose it. The sugar’s finally working, and I feel pretty good. I’m going to need all my strength when I see Sera, I’m going to need all my smarts to get her to try and to commit to me again.
