It wasn’t fair. The mania of earlier had completely left her now and suddenly Lila felt incredibly deflated. Here was modern medicine at its best and still there were no answers, no guarantees.
‘Shouldn’t you be in bed?’
Declan’s voice was half-expected. She had heard footsteps behind her and even before he’d spoken, the familiar tang of his aftershave, the gentleness of his presence had heralded his arrival.
‘Not much point when you’re lying there, wondering how they’re doing. Sometimes it’s easier to come and see for yourself.’
‘I know.’
They both stood for a moment watching little Amy, watching and praying and hoping that it might, just might help.
‘Are you off home?’
He shook his head. ‘I’m stuck here, but just for another hour or so and then I’m back again tonight. How about you?’
Lila shook her head. ‘I’ve got a few nights off now.’ A yawn escaped and she quickly covered her mouth. ‘I’d best be off. Night, Declan, or should I say morning?’
‘Night will do.’
Standing there, saying goodnight, was the hardest part of the whole night. The casualties, the emergencies she had been trained for. But nothing could have prepared her for this. Lila knew he was tired, exhausted even. And at another time, another place they would have been leaning on each other. Climbing into bed as the world worked on. Shutting the curtains on the world to create their own false night, slipping into sheets together, caressing each other’s tired aching muscles, soothing each other with reassurances, erasing the scenes they had both witnessed.
Not standing in the bland corridor trying to freeze-frame his image, pretending the man she loved was just another colleague.
‘Night, then.’
You could have had him. The words mocked her, taunted her, jeered her as she made her way home.
You could have had him.
CHAPTER NINE
RUNNING Elizabeth’s bath, Lila perched on the edge and rested her tired face against the smooth cool tiles as she watched the bubbles multiply. Right up to a few days ago she could have had Declan. Even that vague dream had made the days more bearable, made the last eight years survivable. Surviving on the dream that maybe somehow, some day they might make it up again.
Except now he didn’t want her. Declan was finally over her.
The tragic irony of it all was that only now, after eight long hard years, was she finally ready to accept the help she so desperately needed. Oh, she had never intended to throw her mother in a home and walk away, and it wasn’t her intention now. But at last Lila had acknowledged that maybe the time had come to let go a little, to talk to Yvonne about a placement for Elizabeth, to loosen the reins and live a little herself.
Declan might never have left her emotionally but his physical return had forced Lila to re-examine her life, even as far as to mentally explore the possibility of a life with Declan, to free herself enough to accept the love he offered.
Had offered.
It was a cruel correction. She had left it too late, pushed him just too far and too many times, and now she had no one except herself to blame for the sheer loneliness she felt.
‘You look exhausted.’ Shirley flung open the door, wheeling Elizabeth in. ‘Your mum’s eaten all her breakfast so let’s give her a bath and then you, my girl, can head off to bed.’
Lila smiled appreciatively at the prospect as she bent down and removed her mother’s slippers. ‘Sounds good to me.’
They worked well together, undressing Elizabeth and lowering her gently into the warm, soapy water as they chatted away.
Elizabeth had always seemed to enjoy her bath. Her contracted muscles relaxing slightly, her eyes closing as the water took her weight and the aroma of the oils Lila lovingly lavished into the water—they seemed to soothe her.
‘Have you heard about the job yet?’
Lila shook her head as she shampooed her mother’s hair. ‘Not yet and I won’t for a while, I expect. My boss had an accident last night so, no doubt, she’ll be away for a few days.’
‘It was just on the news about that house fire you were telling me about.’ Shirley tutted and shook her head. ‘Poor little mites. But you said that you think they’ll all be all right?’
‘I think so. The intensive care staff seemed fairly optimistic.’ Rinsing the last of the shampoo out of Elizabeth’s hair, Lila managed a tired smile. ‘Mind you, it did look pretty bleak there for a while. It’s always so much harder when you’re dealing with children.’ She deliberately didn’t depress Shirley with the details about Amy. Why ruin a happy ending? ‘Pass me the conditioner, would you, Shirley?’
As Shirley leant over to get the bottle she paused. ‘It just seems so unfair when it’s a child. At least when someone older dies you know they’ve had a chance, a decent crack at life.’ She smiled fondly at her sister as she squeezed a generous amount of conditioner onto Elizabeth’s hair. ‘Like your mother. I’m not saying it’s not tragic what’s happened, but she did have a good life—fifty-five wonderful years of sheer living before this horrible disease got to her.’ When she looked up at her, Lila saw an urgency in her aunt’s eyes that she hadn’t seen before. ‘And that’s what you should be doing, darling, enjoying your life, living it. Who knows what’s around the corner?’
Shirley wasn’t one for introspection. She just drifted through life with a quiet air of optimism, a vague eccentricity that Lila adored. It was the closest she had ever come to giving Lila a lecture.
Pulling the plug, Lila felt her eyes fill up. Shirley was right, Declan was right, they all were.
Whether it was tiredness, emotion or perhaps a too generous splash of oil, as they lifted Elizabeth gently up Lila lost her grip. Over and over that split second she would go, reliving the instant she felt her mother slip, the desperate lurch to right herself and break Elizabeth’s fall, Shirley’s scream as Elizabeth fell from her arms, the sickening crunch as her mother landed on the floor.
Only Elizabeth stayed silent, her eyes open and staring. No yelp of pain or fear, just the never-ending silence of the world in which she lived.
Lila stood paralysed, her heart racing rapidly, the colour draining from her face. But as Shirley bent down to lift her, Lila’s professionalism, ingrained into her, took over.
‘Don’t move her!’
Snapping into action, she bent over, carefully examining her mother for any sign of injury. One look at her short, rotated left leg and Lila knew her mother had broken her hip.
‘Oh, Mum, I’m sorry.’
Shirley patted Lila on the shoulder, her voice trembling as she attempted to reassure her niece. ‘It was an accident, pet. She’s all right, it’s not as if she was knocked out or anything. We should get her onto the bed. Maybe we should give her a sip of brandy or something, though. She’s gone ever so pale.’
Lila shook her head, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. ‘She’s broken her hip, Shirley. I’ll stay with her, you grab a duvet from the bed and call an ambulance.’
Lila knew the paramedics who arrived well. Well enough to know that the gentle handling of her mother, the quiet dignity they afforded her, weren’t an act for her benefit. They were truly wonderful men. It made the wretched events seem somehow more bearable as they chatted amicably while they placed an oxygen mask over Elizabeth’s face and started an intravenous infusion. They didn’t just look after Elizabeth either—they reassured a shocked and trembling Lila every step of the way.
‘I’ll follow in the car with Ted,’ Shirley suggested as the paramedics settled Elizabeth into the ambulance. ‘You stay with your mum.’
The hospital was only twenty minutes away but it seemed to take for ever. Lila spent the journey telling Elizabeth over and over how much she loved her, how sorry she was for what had taken place.
It was only as the ambulance pulled up at her workplace that Lila felt a flutter of panic for herself. It was all going to be out in the open now—her lateness, her refusal
to attend work functions, the reason she couldn’t stay back after her shift without a phone call.
Everyone was going to know.
The difference now was that at last she was finally ready. Ready to accept the help that would inevitably be offered, ready for the inevitable changes that were about to occur.
‘We’re going to be fine, Mum,’ Lila whispered. ‘We’re going to be fine, just you wait and see.’
Taking a deep, calming breath, she held Elizabeth’s hand as the ambulance doors opened.
‘Declan!’ The concerned face that met her as the ambulance door was opened was the last one she’d expected, but the most welcoming sight she had ever seen. ‘I thought you’d be at home.’
They stood aside as the paramedics unloaded Elizabeth and wheeled her into the department.
‘I nearly was.’ His usual smiling face was creased with concern. ‘I was just about to leave when Ambulance Control alerted us you were on your way. I wanted to see for myself how you were both doing.’
In all the drama it had never even entered her head that Ambulance Control would alert the hospital even though they had done the same thing for Hester just last night. Lila was infinitely grateful for the foresight.
Infinitely grateful that Declan was there.
‘I lost my grip when we were lifting her out of the bath.’ A sob escaped her lips and she broke down. ‘She’s broken her hip…’
‘We don’t know that yet, Lila…’
‘Oh, come on, Declan, I know I’m not the best nurse in the world but give me some credit. She’s broken her hip, I’m telling you! I dropped her, Declan, I dropped my own mother.’
He held her then. Right there in the middle of the ambulance bay. Oblivious of the cars and personnel going about their business. He just held her close and let her cry, sharing her pain, her exhaustion, her utter grief.
And finally, when the tears were slowing and the gulping, shuddering breaths had abated slightly, he pulled back. His fingers tilted her chin to make her look at him.
‘It was an accident, Lila, an accident.’
And as she gazed back at him, she saw the years they had lost together with painful, aching clarity. Saw the wisdom he had gained, the strength that came with maturity, the tiny lines a permanent reminder of his frequent smile.
Never had she wanted to lean on him more.
‘Let’s go and see how she’s doing, huh?’ And taking her hand, he led her slowly inside.
The department was full, a combination of the events of the previous night and a busy morning. The curious, sympathetic looks from her colleagues didn’t embarrass Lila, though. Amazingly, they actually helped.
Moira, the charge nurse, bustled in. ‘Can you not stay away from the place for five minutes, Lila?’ She joked, her thick Irish accent lilting and soft. ‘I’ll just find another pair of hands and we can get your ma into a gown and some obs done. I’ll get Mr Hinkley round to see her straight away.’
‘There’s no need,’ Lila said quickly.
‘Mr Hinkley will want to see your mother, to be sure,’ Moira insisted. ‘You’re staff, Lila.’
‘I know the protocol but honestly, Moira, you’re not dealing with Hester, saying no when she means yes. I’d really rather Declan looked after her.’
There was firmness in Lila’s voice that left no room for doubt and with a small shrug Moira gave Declan a saucy wink. ‘And when did you earn your stripes, young man? Right, let’s get this gown on.’
‘I’ll do it,’ Lila offered.
‘You will not,’ Declan led her gently to a chair. ‘You look terrible, as if you’re about to pass out or something. I’ll help Moira and then we’ll get her straight around to X-Ray.’
She was too tired to argue. Sitting down, she suddenly felt acutely aware of the scruffy, faded shorts she had pulled on after her own shower, her wet hair trailing down her back, her face for once void of even a trace of make-up.
No wonder he thought she looked awful.
His back was to her, and she watched as he carefully pulled a gown over Elizabeth’s emaciated arms, gently lifting her forward a fraction to tuck the gown in behind her. She took in the wide shoulders, the tidy trim of his hair, the muscular legs in well-fitting trousers.
What she didn’t see was the look that passed between Declan and Moira as they looked at the lovingly painted finger-and toenails on Elizabeth, the obvious love and devotion that had gone into keeping the emaciated woman’s skin so intact. She didn’t see the glaze of tears in his eyes as he wrapped the blood-pressure cuff around his patient’s arm, the flicker of his Adam’s apple as he swallowed back the lump in his throat.
‘Her obs are all pretty good, Lila, and she doesn’t seem distressed, but you’re right—her hip is obviously broken.’ She was too wrapped up in her own guilt to hear the tremble in his voice. Turning, he flashed her his ‘doctor’ smile. ‘I think that we ought to give her an injection of pethidine in case she is in any pain, then I’ll organise to get her straight around for an X-ray.’
The curtains were pulled open and Shirley rushed in, with Ted following anxiously behind. ‘Sorry we took so long, darling. The ambulance just whizzed off and then it took ages to find a parking space.’ She hugged her niece. ‘What did the doctor say?’
Lila hugged her aunt back. ‘She’s just going for an X-ray but Declan’s pretty sure that she’s broken her hip.’
‘Declan!’ Shirley looked over sharply. ‘Declan Haversham! I don’t believe it. My goodness, it is you!’ Her face broke into a huge grin. ‘I haven’t seen you in years. How are you? I can’t get over this.’ She looked from Declan to Lila. ‘Imagine him being on this morning. It’s fate, that’s what it is. It must be a shock for you too, Lila, seeing him again after all these years.’
‘I’ve been here quite a few weeks now,’ Declan said lightly, in stark contrast to Shirley’s excited tones. ‘I expect the shock’s worn off a bit by now.’
‘But you never even mentioned he was back, Lila,’ Shirley admonished, oblivious to the tension that suddenly filled the cubicle, adding with painful clarity. ‘Why didn’t you say anything?’
It was Declan who saved her from answering. ‘I expect Lila didn’t think it was very important.’ There was an edge to his voice that even Shirley heeded and the sudden strained atmosphere was only broken when the porter appeared to take Elizabeth for her X-ray.
*
Even before Declan clipped the films onto the viewing box Lila knew what the results of the X-rays would be.
‘I’ll get the orthopods down straight away.’
‘Do you think they’ll operate today?’ Lila’s voice was a little wobbly.
‘It’s fairly unstable and she’ll be bleeding quite a lot but I doubt they’ll rush her up. They’ll probably spend today giving her a medical work-up, perhaps a blood transfusion. Get her as stable as possible before they operate.’
Declan was spot on as usual. Marcus Hastings, the orthopaedic consultant, almost echoed Declan’s words as he relayed his findings to the anxious family.
‘I think the operation should be performed today, but I’d like her to have a medical work-up before I take her to Theatre. I’m going to be operating through till about nine tonight and I think I’ll add your mother to the end of the list. Once she’s had a couple of units of blood and a few hours of oxygen and fluids she’ll be a much better candidate for Theatre. Obviously the anaesthetist will have to asses her but I’d also like to ask Yvonne Selles, the geriatrician, to have a look at her, possibly with a view to admitting her under shared care between the geriatricians and orthopods.’
Lila held her breath. This was the first push that would start the ball rolling in the inevitable direction of a nursing home. Once the allied health services assessed Elizabeth, the result would be a foregone conclusion. But she couldn’t think about that right now. The important thing was to get her mother’s hip fracture stabilised.
‘Why don’t you go home, Lila?’ Shirley’s s
uggestion was as unexpected as it was ludicrous.
‘Of course I’m not going to go home. I’m not going to just leave her!’
‘You won’t just be leaving your mum. I’ll be with her. What can you do here?’ Shirley reasoned. ‘You’ve been working all night, and no doubt you’re going to want to be here when they operate. Why don’t you take a taxi home and have a little rest? Then you can come back this evening when they’re getting your mum ready for Theatre. If you stay here all day and night, you’re going to make yourself ill.’
‘She’s right.’ Declan wasted no time agreeing with Shirley.
‘But it’s a twenty-minute drive from home,’ Lila protested. ‘What if something happened? I might not get back in time.’
‘Lila, you need some sleep.’ Declan’s tone was firm. ‘Look, I’m going home myself now. Why don’t you crash at my place instead of taking a taxi home? I’m literally two minutes away from the hospital, so if there’s any change in your mum’s condition you can get back here quickly. I’m due back on duty at eight anyway. I can bring you in to see Elizabeth on my way to work, long before she’s due to go to Theatre.’
‘That’s sorted, then,’ Shirley enthused. ‘It will give you two a chance to catch up. I’m sure you’ve got loads to talk about after all these years.’
‘I’m not exactly in the mood for a trip down memory lane,’ Lila said pointedly. The last thing she wanted was for Declan to feel she had any master plan behind all of this. He had extended the hand of friendship in the same way he would have for any colleague in this situation. And it was up to her to behave like one.
‘If there’s any change, you’ll call,’ Lila checked reluctantly.
‘Of course. Now, you go and get some sleep.’
Sleep! With Declan in the next room and her mother waiting for an operation? Shirley had really lost the plot this time!
After kissing her mother tenderly, Lila waited as Declan scribbled down his home number.
‘Come on, Sister Bailey.’ Declan threw a casual arm around her shoulder and gave her an affectionate squeeze. ‘Let’s get you to bed.’
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