When I took my place at the pulpit, I tried not to shake from the pressure of having all those curious, prying eyes on me. Instead, I focused on my daughter who was watching me and on the woman who had slid into my empty space and was holding onto Daye’s hand.
“Thank you all for coming. I know I might seem like an unlikely choice to get up here and share how deeply I’m going to miss Alexa and how glad I am to have had her in my life for the time that I did.” I cleared my throat and heard uncomfortable muttering work through the crowd. Emrys gave a little nod and Daye shot me a wobbly smile that helped me tune out the rest of the noise. I knew who mattered in this room and it wasn’t anyone who showed up expecting me to admit to murder.
“The truth is, Alexa taught me everything I know about love and sacrifice. She also introduced me to my first taste of heartbreak and failure. She gave me the greatest gift that any one person can share with another, and she showed me that it is possible to put someone else’s needs above my own. We tried to make things work, we really did, but some things weren’t meant to be.” The burn in my eyes got hotter and I had to blink rapidly to keep my mask of composure in place.
“I never wanted an end like this for her. I always held out hope that things would change, that Alexa would realize how amazing our little girl is and that she would decide to be the kind of mother Daye deserved. I gave up on her when I shouldn’t have and I’ll never forgive myself for that.” I blew out a breath, hands curling around the side of the lectern. I looked around the room, eyes landing on every single person who was sitting there in judgment. “We all gave up on her. Alexa loved this town, she loved being from here and calling Sheridan home. She wanted to matter to you as much as all of you mattered to her, but she didn’t. You all wrote her off as a party girl, as the town drunk. You called her a bad mother behind her back and watched as she sank deeper and deeper into her addiction. None of you offered to help her. None of you offered her any kind of support. No wonder Burke was her only friend. The only place she felt welcome was at the bar. You’re all as guilty of letting her down as I am.”
It was quiet enough to hear a pin drop. A sharp whistle from my younger brother broke through the heavy tension and I looked at Lane who was giving me a subtle thumbs-up sign. Cy let out a low chuckle and Emrys was grinning at me in a way that made everything shaky inside of me go still.
“I’m making it my mission to make sure my daughter remembers all the reasons I fell in love with Alexa to begin with. Her memory will live on in our little girl who has her smile and her love of this place and all the great things it can offer if you look in the right places. We did a lot of things wrong when we were together, but we also got some of it right, and that’s what I want Daye to keep with her.” I gave a jerky nod and stepped off the podium.
Without saying a word, Cy climbed to his feet and started moving toward the back of the church. The people had come for a show and I’d given them a hint of one. I said what needed to be said. I’d dropped the ball when it came to the woman we were saying goodbye to, but that wasn’t all on me, and admitting that made me feel a hundred pounds lighter.
Leo filed out after Cy, and so did Emrys. I caught her hand back in mine and took Daye’s as she scrambled to reach me. Lane and Brynn followed, and I may have blushed when Brynn paused to kiss me on the cheek. She whispered that she was proud of me and Lane gave me a wink.
It wasn’t the kind of goodbye I’d ever wanted to make, but it was one I could live with.
I almost slammed into my older brother’s back when I came out of the church doors. Cy was standing on the bottom of the steps, arms over his chest, Leo practically vibrating with anger by his side. I went to step around him but was pulled back by Lane’s hand on my arm. I noticed that Rodie’s marked police SUV was parked next to my truck with the flashers on. I saw the top of Rodie’s hat over Cy’s shoulder and heard him tell my brother, “This doesn’t concern you, Cyrus. Get out of the way or I’ll haul you in for obstruction of justice.”
I sent a frantic look to the woman at my side who immediately swooped down and picked up my daughter. Emrys forced a smile and asked Daye, “Would you like to go get some ice cream with me, Daye? It was a rough day and I know that always makes me feel better. You were such a trooper, sweetheart. I’m very proud of you.”
Daye looked confused until Lane jumped in, “Yeah. Brynn and I could use some cheering up, too. We’ll go with you.” He gave Rodie a dirty look and told him coolly, “It’s a funeral, man. Your timing blows.”
The Sheriff grunted and looked down at the tips of his boots. “All of this blows.”
He waited until my kid was out of earshot before inclining his chin at me and telling me, “You need to come down to the station with me, Sutton. I need to take you in even if I have to go through Cy to do it.”
I frowned in confusion. “Take me in for what, exactly, Rodie? Did you find something new in Alexa’s murder?”
The Sheriff exhaled a deep breath and shook his head sharply. “No. This doesn’t have anything to do with Alexa.”
I rubbed my thumb across the edge of my jaw and exchanged a puzzled look with my older brother. “Just spit it out, Rodie. Why do you need me to come to the station?”
The man considered me silently for a long minute and gave my brother a warning look before telling me, “You’re wanted for questioning in the murder of Cyndi Hammond, Sutton. Her body was found last night and your hat was at the crime scene.”
Cy swore and took a step toward the other man, but Leo halted him with a hand on his arm. I stared at Rodie trying to piece together what he was saying. “My hat?”
He nodded gravely and tilted his head toward his SUV. “Your camo Warner Ranch hat. It was under the body.”
Cy swore again and reached out to poke Rodie in the center of his chest, alarmingly close to his badge. “We have hundreds of those hats laying around. I own one, Lane owns one, and we sell them to tourists all the time. How can you prove it’s Sutton’s?”
Rodie sighed again as I stepped around Cy, finally. “I know you still see me as a dumb kid following you around trying to impress you, Cy, but I’m not. I’m a cop and a damn good one, if I do say so myself. I’ve been fishing with Sutton a hundred times. I know his hat has a hole on the right side from when he hooked it on a bad cast. We also fingerprinted it and the only prints on it belong to Sutton and Cyndi.”
I looked at Rodie and told him flatly, “I don’t even know who Cyndi Hammond is.” The name was vaguely familiar but I couldn’t place it no matter how hard the wheels in my brain were turning.
“She’s the wife of the cowboy you threw down with at the Big Horn. The woman you said you were going to fuck right before he knocked you out.” Rodie’s tone held a stern warning and his eyes were pleading with me not to say anything else since the church was starting to empty out and we were attracting an audience.
“Are you arresting Sutton, Sheriff?” The question came from a burly man who had taken great pleasure in inciting the natives since Alexa’s death. I didn’t know him but that didn’t matter. The mess of my life was more entertaining than the drudgery of his own.
Rodie scowled at the heckler and barked, “None of your damn business, Edgar. Go pay your respects like you’re supposed to be doing.” Under his breath he told me, “Come with me willingly so these busybodies don’t have even more to chew on.”
I tossed my keys to Cy who was already on his phone, no doubt calling a lawyer. Leo looked mad enough to spit nails and I could only imagine how upset Daye was going to be when she realized I wasn’t going to be home anytime soon.
I was trying to be the kind of guy who took the good with the bad, but it was really starting to seem like the bad was surpassing everything, leaving in its wake only resentment and the potential for bad choices.
Catastrophe is Close
Emrys
I’d never really had the opportunity to be around children. I was an only child so there were no nieces and nephews
to spoil, and the only man I’d dated who had kids was hung up on his ex-wife, so it had been a short-lived relationship with no opportunity to spend time with his children. Leo was my only close female friend, and while she had never expressed an interest in kids before, something told me that was about to change. She was amazing with Daye, and every time the little girl looked up at her and smiled, I could see a new kind of longing in Leo’s eyes. She had a nurturing side to her that I’d never seen before but had always known was there.
It was easy enough to keep Daye occupied with sweets and silly conversation. I had no problem with her, and Lane was especially skilled at keeping the little girl distracted. But when we got back to the ranch, it was like someone flipped a switch. Daye went from angel to tiny demon right before my eyes.
She was obviously tired from the events of the day, and when Sutton was nowhere to be seen, she finally let her composure slip. When she demanded to know where her dad was, Leo tried to placate her by telling her that he would be home shortly. That answer wasn’t good enough for the tiny, blonde spitfire. She tore her bow off her head and stamped her shiny shoes, challenging the adults around her to give her honest answers about her father’s whereabouts. Brynn tried to bribe her with the promise of homemade pizza, and Lane offered to take her for a horseback ride so she would be occupied until Sutton’s return. Daye wasn’t interested in any of it, and all the evasion, coupled with the fact she’d had to say her final goodbye to her mother only hours ago, was too much for the little girl to take. She kicked off one shoe and then the other, nearly taking out a framed picture in the living room and hitting her uncle square in the center of his chest. She shoved her hands into her curly hair and started to pull as she screamed at the top of her lungs. Her face instantly turned an alarming shade of reddish-purple. It was a tantrum like I’d never seen before, and I couldn’t exactly blame her. She had to be feeling a lot about everything that had been going on in her life lately, and those emotions were bound to erupt sooner or later. She was a miniature volcano of fury and frustration.
Lane tossed up his hands in surrender and slowly started toward the front door. “I don’t have the first clue what to do with that.” He rubbed at a spot on the center of his chest and muttered on his way out the front door, “Kid should be playing soccer, not dancing ballet.”
I watched as both Leo and Brynn lowered themselves to the floor so they could try and comfort the screaming child. Their compassion and soft words only made her scream louder. Brynn offered to go find her favorite stuffed rabbit, which made Daye frantically shake her head ‘no’. Angry tears were coursing down her cheeks and I could all-too-clearly remember what it felt like to be that helpless and afraid. The poor thing just wanted something she could hold onto for balance while everything else in her life spun out of control.
“Daye.” My voice was sharper than it probably should have been but it startled the little girl enough to get her to stop screaming. She blinked wide, green eyes at me and lifted her hand to touch her damp, flushed cheeks. She looked startled when her fingers came away wet. “Remember when I told you that you could use your words to get your point across?”
She nodded slowly and sucked in a shaky breath. “No one is listening to me though, because I’m too little.”
Leo looked at me in surprise as Brynn made a little sound of concern. I walked over to where they were all huddled together and held my hand out to the little girl. Hesitantly, she reached out and put her fingers in mine. I gave her a lopsided smile and told her, “I’m listening to you. Talk to me.”
She sniffed and dragged her hand underneath her nose. It was sloppy and unapologetic. She wasn’t afraid or embarrassed to show her emotions. It was innocent and unfiltered and the action made me laugh. She cocked her head to the side as she studied me curiously. “What’s so funny?”
I led her to the overstuffed couch and sat down, pulling her into my lap so we were eye to eye. “I forgot what it was like to ugly cry, how good it feels to let go like that. I get that you’re feeling a lot of things right now, Daye. Sadness, frustration, and even anger. It’s good that you want to express yourself, that you want to communicate those feelings to the people who care about you, and you can because this is a safe space. Everyone wants to be understood.”
She nodded vigorously, eyes locked on mine like I was telling her the secrets of the universe.
“But if you want people to understand you and to take what you’re feeling seriously, you need to be able to explain it because not everyone feels those things the same way. So, talk to me, sweetheart.” I squeezed her hand to let her know I was on her side and that I understood hitting the wall. She’d held up pretty well, all things considered. She had a heavy load to carry for someone with such tiny shoulders.
Her lower lip quivered before she sucked it between her teeth and bit down. She blinked at me again before unleashing a torrent of words that she must have been holding onto, Lord only knew for how long.
“My Mommy wasn’t always nice to me, but I’m still going to miss her. I don’t want her to be dead. I didn’t want to live with her anymore and she was all alone. I think she was sad, and that’s my fault. I don’t like it when Daddy leaves. He used to always be home to tuck me in and read me a bedtime story, but after he got hurt real bad, he stopped. I don’t want him to forget about me.” She looked down at her feet which were still covered in dark tights. “The kids at school say mean things. They used to pick on me because of Mommy, but now they tease me about Daddy. It makes me cry and then they make fun of me and call me a baby.” She sniffled again and big, fat tears started rolling down her cheeks. “I don’t want Daddy to go to jail.”
I sucked in a breath and fought down the surge of anger on her behalf. She needed me to be calm, to be reassuring, but I could see the look on Leo’s face where she stood behind the couch listening to our heart to heart. My bestie looked ready to level the entire town and I was willing to help her. I knew children could be mean and thoughtless, but Daye was only six and had already been through so much. Nothing like kicking a kid when she was down.
“I’m not going to lie to you, Daye.” I reached out and smoothed a hand over her curls so that they weren’t sticking to her forehead and clinging to her cheeks. “Your mom might have been lonely, but that doesn’t have a thing to do with you. She was a grownup who knew her actions had consequences. You’re just a little girl. It’s not your job to take care of your parents, it’s their job to take care of you. That sting you feel, that little poke in your heart when you think about your mom being gone, is going to last for a long time. It’s a hurt you’re gonna have to adjust to having, but every time you feel it, I want you to think about why you miss her. I want you to remember a time she made you smile. Do you think you can do that?”
It took her a minute to give me a serious nod.
I nodded back as I twisted one of her curls around my finger. “Atta girl. You’re very strong, did you know that?”
She gave me a glimmer of a smile but it died when I told her, “Your dad is a good man, sweetheart, but he’s got himself in a bit of trouble. Some of it he went looking for and some of it found him. He realized he messed up with you and I guarantee he won’t make those mistakes again. He’ll be here for you whenever he can, but sometimes that choice isn’t going to be his to make. You just need to understand that there’s nowhere else he would rather be. He’s doing his best to work through the mess he’s been pulled into, but until he figures it out, people are going to say some ugly things about him. People like to talk, Daye. It makes them feel important. It makes them feel included. The thing is, all that talk is only fun when it’s about someone else. If it was their moms or their dads people were talking about, they would be the person crying. Their words only have power if you let them. And remember, you’re not alone in all of this. Your uncles and your Aunt Leo aren’t going to let those kids get away with being mean, and neither should your teacher. Sometimes you need to call in reinforcements.”<
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She gave her head a little tilt and screwed up her face in confusion. “What are reinforcements?”
Leo bit back a laugh and I grinned. “Sometimes you have to find someone bigger and meaner than you to fight by your side.”
Finally, a full-fledged grin broke out on her face. It was like the sun finally shining through the clouds on a dreary day. She deserved to be nothing but sunshine and light. I hated that anyone tried to take that away from her.
“Uncle Cy is way bigger and meaner than me.” She looked almost giddy at the prospect of her uncle taking on her pint-sized tormentors.
Leo let out a snort and leaned on the back of the couch. “Your Uncle Cy is bigger and meaner than everyone. You’re lucky it was Lane who took the brunt of your temper today and not him. The big guy would have sent you to your room for that fit.”
Daye had the good grace to look chagrined. “I’ll tell Uncle Lane I’m sorry.”
Leo nodded. “I’d say that’s a good plan, Goldilocks.”
She started to slide off the couch but stopped right before her feet touched the ground. Her eyes locked onto mine as she hesitantly asked, “Do you think Daddy’s gonna go to jail?”
That was a tricky question and I told her I wasn’t going to lie to her. “Your daddy didn’t do anything wrong. He absolutely doesn’t deserve to go to jail. Remember what I just told you: he’s a good man.” But things didn’t always work out the way they were supposed to and Sutton seemed to have his fair share of bad luck lately. That was the best I could tell her.
My half-answer must have been good enough because she hit the floor running, telling Leo that she was going to change and then find Brynn to inquire about that promise of homemade pizza. It was like the meltdown had never occurred even though I was exhausted and Leo still looked stressed.
Shelter ~ Jay Crownover Page 18
