“I love you, Graham.” I held his hand a bit tighter in case he could no longer hear me.
Two breaths in, a nod from the anesthesiologist led to a hand on my shoulder, then to me being led out to the waiting area with a promise to come get me when it was over in four-to-five hours. I didn’t hear the rest of it, walking straight into the open arms of Sebastian and finally allowing the tears to fall, the tears I’d miraculously held back to be strong for my son. All of my strength was gone. And I freely accepted the strength offered me.
Strength fortifying me so when the nurse came in to tell us Graham was in recovery and the doctor was finishing up and would be with us shortly, I was ready.
And when they allowed me to go back into recovery, I was able to be Graham’s strength once again as he cried in fear, unsure where he was at first, as he begged me to make the hurt stop, as he tried for the fifth time to get me to take the oxygen from his nose because it itched, even as they had me leave despite him begging me to stay…all of the strength had been borrowed from Sebastian and, for that, I owed him everything.
Chapter Eleven
Sebastian
I’d sat in more than one waiting room while one of my charges went under the knife. And I’d held their parents’ hands, worried and praying until the surgeon came in to say everything was all right. Once, it hadn’t been. The procedure had been stopped because of an underlying condition not previously identified and had to be rescheduled after some other therapies were applied. I prayed nothing bad would happen to Graham during four-and-a-half hours that felt like twelve.
But the worries churning in my mind turned out to be for naught, and the surgeon’s smile told us everything we needed to know. “He’s doing great. We won’t know the precise outcome until healing takes place, but from my experience, you can expect to see a much improved little boy.” He’d said a lot more, but summarized it.
I’d seen the list of possible side effects and wasn’t sure if I’d have been able to do what Walker did and sign those forms. Thank God he had, though, because, two weeks later, we were already seeing the good results we’d hoped for. Fewer muscle spasms the most obvious.
Walker had returned to work, leaving me to care for our patient, but today was a Sunday when we were all here and Graham was feeling well enough to be bored. He’d already gone through a stack of graphic novels a foot high, with me to help sound out the words he didn’t know. His teacher had been by personally to leave his homework a few days before, giving him a special email to connect with her if he needed any help with anything, and he was caught up.
Lying on the couch, covered with a blanket, Graham sipped at a smoothie and pouted. “I want to go somewhere, do something. I hate this.”
“Son, the doctor doesn’t want you exposed to a lot of germs quite yet. We’ll be seeing him next week and you can ask then if you can get out more, okay?”
“But I feel good. It hardly hurts at all anymore. Can’t we go to a movie? Or school?”
The germ factory of the world.
“Not quite yet, but maybe we should do something special today. Any ideas?” I waited, but they both looked grumpy and shrugged. “What about a jigsaw puzzle? I found one the other night at the drugstore when I was getting your prescription filled. It looked pretty interesting.”
They didn’t look any less grumpy, but Graham said, “I can’t sit at the table yet, it’s too uncomfortable, so I guess I’ll just have to stay here until I turn into a mushroom. Or a toadstool.” He narrowed his eyes. “They are poisonous you know.” He had watched a lot of nature shows while ensconced in bed or on the couch. He might have a science future, judging by his interest in botany and zoology. But he was still a little boy, and, despite the fact he’d been thrilled at first to have unlimited screen time…it had paled a little.
“Well, this is a pretty good puzzle, and I have a puzzle board we can put on our laps, but I can see you have no interest, so I guess we all sit here and become fungi.”
“I know what you mean. Mushrooms are fungi.” He still sounded grouchy, but I was proud of his knowledge.
“They are indeed, and my puzzle is all about a forest and the plants and animals that live there. Shame you don’t want to do it.”
“I do! I mean…I guess it’s all right.”
Walker flashed me a look of such gratitude, I was thrilled I’d thought of it. “I want to do it, too,” he said. “I mean…I don’t hate the idea.”
I’d actually bought a couple of puzzles and some cards. The hardest part of his recovery at this point was keeping him occupied. He still had some pain, but it was low enough if he was busy, he sometimes could put it aside. Of course, he’d had pain his whole life, so he’d learned to take it. I hated he’d had to.
After retreating to my room, I returned with the folding puzzle board and the Friends of the Forest puzzle, and we were soon focused on finding the edges then the middle pieces while Graham told us all about the various plants and animals depicted as we got them together. He’d learned a lot in his time at home. Before I knew it, we had to switch on lights, and nobody had made a move toward the kitchen to start supper. The last piece had fallen under the board, and we finally found it under the couch after a moment of panicked searching with Graham cheering us on.
Walker winked at me and stood to stretch. “I’m getting hungry, but I don’t think we have a thing to eat except maybe some spinach and rutabagas. I’d better go boil them.”
Graham looked so aghast, we both burst into laughter. “Just kidding, buddy,” he said. “But it’s so late now, I was thinking of ordering pizza…if everyone agrees?”
Bliss should be so easy to produce on a grownup face. We had stuck to the no-takeout rule even after the surgery, but sometimes, a treat was called for. Especially a treat laden with cheese, pepperoni, and mushrooms—Graham’s new favorite thing since he’d been studying them. It tasted amazing. While I cleaned up after dinner, Walker started a fire in the fireplace, and then we all sat and stared into the flames, telling stories about forest animals. Finally, Graham fell asleep and his dad carried him off to bed before coming back to sit next to me on the sofa.
“Thanks,” he said, kicking off his shoes and putting his feet on the coffee table, something he didn’t often do and never in front of his son, who wasn’t allowed to do that. “You saved the day again.”
“It wasn’t hard, a drugstore puzzle,” I told him. “Still probably the best night ever, I think. He was pretty happy.”
“He was.” Walker and I were inches apart, but it might have been yards. We hadn’t so much as kissed again, and it was a very bad idea. As quickly as Graham was healing, they wouldn’t need me too much longer. Which was why I shouldn’t have reached for his hand and brought it to my lips.
And why I shouldn’t have let him kiss me.
Or kissed him back.
Chapter Twelve
Walker
“Sorry.” I mumbled as soon as our lips broke apart. “I know better.” And I did, too. “Not sure what got into me.” Even if I knew exactly what I wanted to get into. Not that I should or would, but still…
“Never be sorry for that.” He leaned his forehead against mine. “You kissed me because you wanted to, right?”
“Uh-huh.” Because words were apparently too much of a challenge.
“And I kissed you back because I did as well.”
“And you work for me.” I fell back against the couch, hating that I’d broken contact with the man who’d grown to mean so much to me. “It’s probably against contract if not illegal.” I might have been exaggerating the legal possibilities, but there was no way Manny wouldn’t have such a clause in the contract. But who reads those things?
“Pretty sure it’s not in the contract, but if you feel uncomfortable, I get it.” He mimicked my position on the couch, our shoulders barely touching.
“Not uncomfortable as much as I don’t want to fuck things up, you know?” I closed my eyes, head back. “On the on
e hand, I have wanted you since you walked in the door, and those feelings didn’t mellow as I got to know you. On the contrary, it grows with every word we share, with every kind thing you do, with every time my son smiles because of something you did above and beyond the call of duty.”
“But…it sounds very much like a but…” He grabbed my hand with his, and I squished my eyes tighter closed, for if I so much as glanced at him, I was going to lose all common sense and decency and probably beg him to let me knot him right then and there. And that would be a bad thing. A very bad thing. Probably. No, it would. I was still his boss…done.
“No but…just an on-the-other-hand…”
“A fancy but.” Oh he saw me all right.
“Graham always has to come first, and he still needs us both, and I’m going to fuck this up. It’s going to happen.” I had not a clue how to date. It had been over ten years since I’d dated and longer since I kissed anyone new, until Sebastian came along. No, this had disaster written all over it.
And yet I was the one doing all of the kissing.
The couch cushion bounced slightly, my hand still in his, and the next thing I knew he was settling himself on my lap, his free hand cupping my cheek.
“How about this?”
I dared crack my eyes open enough to see him looking down at me. He was stunning. How was I ever going to remember my responsibilities like this? To do the right thing? My cock grew along under his thigh, giving him the very clear message I wanted this.
And goodness help me, I did. I so very much did.
“How about we put all of this aside until you no longer need me, and then we can pick things up where we both want them to be?” He leaned in, kissing me breathless, his body pressed into mine, the sensations making it impossible to think clearly, and, as he climbed up and off my lap, I found myself agreeing to his plan.
Except there was one huge flaw in it, one I couldn’t bare myself to utter aloud—I would always need him. He’d already filled a part of me I didn’t know was vacant, and when he left, no matter when it was, I was going to be crushed like a bug.
He bid me good night, and I unashamedly watched his ass as he walked out of the room and up the stairs, following him only after I heard his door click shut.
I stepped into my little bedroom, and for the first time since I first laid my head in here, it felt huge and empty.
It needed Sebastian.
But so did Graham, and I refused to mess anything up for him, not in his time of need. So that night, instead of taking the short walk to Sebastian’s room and laying out exactly what I wanted, knowing he’d agree in a heartbeat, at least for the night, I did what every good dad does when the guilt hits for thinking of themselves first—I guilt shopped.
By the time my eyes were ready to give up for the night, I had enough Legos, graphic novels, and art supplies coming to keep an entire school occupied and free from boredom.
In the morning, if the doctor gave the all clear, his more intensive therapy would begin. It was going to be a challenging week for us all—a challenging week of many, and I rationalized if giving him cool things to do made it the tiniest bit better, it was not spoiling or the plethora of other things the blogs were constantly warning parents about when it came to having a child with medical needs, it was good parenting.
“Dad!” The sound of Graham’s voice at three in the morning calling me had me tearing down the stairs, colliding with the bannister as I raced to find him. On the floor looking far more pissed than hurt. Thank fuck.
“Graham, honey, I’m here.” And out of breath, making my words a jumbled mess.
“I wanted to go to the bathroom without help.” He sighed. “I need help.”
“Look at that. What is it Manny says—you plant a potato you get a potato?”
Sebastian’s rich laughter came from behind me. When had he gotten there?
“Let me get you your wheelchair and, next time, don’t be stubborn and think you know what’s best.”
This time, he glared at me. “Or you could leave the walker where I could reach it?” Touché, little man.
“My fault.” I’d barely remembered to bring it into the room after I carried him in. “Next time, I promise, but this time, use your wheelchair, okay? Since you fell and all.” And since he wasn’t supposed to be walking on his own yet, not that I hadn’t caught him taking a few steps here or there when he thought I wasn’t looking.
“Fine, Dad.” And for a split second, I saw my future as the dad of a sassy teen. It. Was. Everything.
I thought back to the day of his birth when my world collapsed, and there was a time when I never thought he’d see his first birthday, and here he was giving me a glimpse of his badass sassy teen self.
Life. Was. Good.
Chapter Thirteen
Sebastian
Therapy had amped up, leaving Graham sore and on edge, which put Walker on edge as well. But we could see the improvement already. It was a good tired, like after a strong workout, and my job was to remind them of the fact. Walker was doing more telecommuting again, so he could attend the appointments, and making up the time at night, but I was also going along because it was my job.
And also kismet. One day, while running to the car to grab Graham’s sweatshirt he’d left there, I bumped head-on into an old friend. “Sebastian! Is it really you?”
“Rob?” I steadied myself again before stepping back to look up at my extra-tall, lean former classmate. “I thought you were in Florida. Didn’t you head back to where you grew up after graduation?”
“I sure did, but then I got a great opportunity to work here at the hospital. It’s state of the art, you know, and the pay is excellent.” He grinned. “Plus my parents were clingy and constantly stopping by to try to fix me up with the sons of their various friends. It was run away or end up in an arranged marriage to someone I barely knew.”
“Come on, it can’t have been so bad.” I glanced down at my phone when it buzzed. “Hey, listen, I’m on the job myself. Want to get together soon and catch up?”
“Are you nursing here? I haven’t been here long, but I haven’t seen you around.”
This was always fun. “I’m a manny.”
He gaped. “But you were number one in our class. Why aren’t you nursing?”
“I have to get to my family. The little guy is in therapy upstairs and is waiting for his shirt, but I’ll explain it all to you when we get together. I have a kind of nursing/manny position working with special families.”
He actually looked relieved. “Oh, okay. I thought you’d lost your mind. Or your license.”
“No.” I held up my phone. “What’s your number? I am under pressure to take a night off anyway. My boss thinks I have no life outside of work.”
“And is he right?” He rattled off his number, and I typed it in and sent him a message so he’d have the number.
“Text me when you’re free, Rob. It really is great to see you.” I started toward the elevator then turned back. “And yes, he’s right.”
As I traveled up in the car, I considered what I’d told him. Seeing a friend had nearly made me cry with relief. I moved from place to place and never stayed long enough to know anyone outside the families I worked for. Not well anyway. Sure, I met a few other mannies, parents at school, but it was casual and never led to great friendships. Rob…he was good people, and even if it was just a short time until I moved on, it wouldn’t be a bad thing to spend a little of it with an old buddy.
The next evening, after Graham was settled for the night, I was about ready to go, but I hesitated. “Are you sure you can do without me, Walker? I don’t have to leave.”
He rolled his eyes. “Just have fun with your friend.” His eyes held a faint question, as if he wondered if Rob was a friend or something more.
I didn’t want to make more of it than it was, but I also didn’t want him worrying. “He was always a lot of fun in school. The ladies crawled all over him.” Message: he’s n
ot an alpha, and he’s not interested in me like that.
“And he’s not married?” Walker tsked, but he looked much happier. “He must keep moving pretty fast.”
“You know I didn’t ask, but he also didn’t say anything. We only talked for a minute.”
“If he were, he’d probably have invited you to meet the Mrs. instead of out for a drink.”
I stuffed my arms into my jacket sleeves then patted the pocket, checking for my keys. “Yeah, you’re probably right. I won’t be late.” Although it felt funny, we’d fallen into the habit of hanging out together after Graham went to bed. Still, I needed a life.
“Don’t worry about it. I can handle Graham. I did before you came.”
Ouch. And he wouldn’t need me much longer, as fast as the boy was improving. “All right, then.” A horn tooted outside. “That’s Rob.”
I hesitated, almost feeling like I should go and kiss him goodbye, but we weren’t there yet, and maybe never would be. As long as my tenure in town had an end date looming, how could I take things further?
So I gave a wave and left, closing the door behind me, the image of Walker sitting alone on the sofa burned in my brain. As if I was doing something wrong.
“Hey!” Rob greeted me. “Ready for a night out on the town?”
The town? “I thought we were just getting a drink. I don’t want to be gone too long in case Graham needs me.”
“Is that your client’s name?” Rob signaled and turned onto the road toward downtown. “I saw him when you were leaving. Hot stuff, huh?”
“I didn’t think you rolled that way. What about all the girls?”
He shrugged and zipped down a side street to park behind a bistro. “I like the ladies, but it doesn’t mean I can’t notice an attractive guy.”
A Bundle of Mannies Page 60
