by Nikki Wild
"I'll make do," I said. Dammit. I didn't want to have to be comforting her. She had her family back, and I was about to lose mine.
"What if they do let you back? What about me? Will they accept me?"
I groaned. I didn't know the answer to that.
"Shit, Lucya," I said. "I don't know. I hope so. Maybe Train will tell me I can come back, without you. Maybe it'll all be kosher. I don't fucking know."
I was getting agitated, I was saying shit I shouldn't say. I knew I was being an asshole, but the whole situation had me on edge. I just wanted my woman to lay at my side and let me love her and all that mushy fucking shit that got us into this mess in the first place. Why couldn't she just let me deal with my shit in my own way?
"I'm sorry, Sinner," she said, sliding back down into my arms. But she didn't feel the same, somehow. Still all tense. I could tell that big damn brain of hers was working hard, trying to find a solution for us, or trying to find a way for her to fix it all. I didn't need her to fix it. Didn't she know she'd already won? If it came down to the club or her, she fucking won. I wouldn't look back.
So why didn't I say that? Why didn't I tell her she was all I needed - her and Amy, and that was fucking it?
Well, I guess I thought if I held her tight enough and kissed her deep enough, she'd know. She'd use that big damn brain of hers to hear what I was trying to say without saying.
No one can ever accuse me of being the smartest man in the room - least of all when it comes to women. So instead of saying all that shit I should have said, I just held her close and blocked out any thoughts of Train or Army or anything like that, and fell asleep. Didn't even feel it when she slipped out of my arms.
Chapter 41
Lucya
I waited until he was asleep. Then I slipped out from his arms.
I wasn't going to be the reason he was kicked out of the Rogue Tide. I wasn't going to be the woman who forced him into an ultimatum.
After everything we'd been through, I thought that we were done inadvertently hurting each other. But we weren't. I was still bad news. I was still a fucking problem.
What would he and Amy do without the Rogue Tide? It wasn't like Sinner was built for a 9-5 job, and the club offered safety, security, a family for both of them. I threatened that the second I came into the picture, and I was still threatening it.
I've always thought I know what's best. I've always thought I could keep everyone safe. This was no different. We would all have been better off if I'd stuck by my conviction to make that one-night stand stay a one-night stand. And we would all be better off if I left now, before Sinner was forced into a decision it wasn't fair for him to make.
Maybe it would work out alright, and Train would let him back in, no questions asked, no ultimatum. Then he could come find me.
Until then, I would leave him alone to make the right decision for him and his daughter.
Which meant breaking my own heart all over again. But better I have a broken heart than Sinner end up with a broken life.
I padded through the apartment to the front door, moving silently as I could. I opened it, backing out into the hallway, pulling the door along so that it wouldn't slam. It locked automatically behind me, sealing me out, away from him. Now, he could see things clearly. Without me. Without us...
"Who the fuck are you?"
I knew that voice. It drove a cold spike through my stomach. Anger nipped at my nerves. I thought I'd never see the bitch again - and I would have been happy for that to be the truth. Turning, I came face to ugly face with Danielle. She looked very worse for the wear. Her skin was pocked with scratches and acne, her hair stringy, her eyes sunken into black bowls and tinged with red veins. When she got a good look at me, her eyes narrowed.
"You're that bitch nurse," she said. "What the fuck are you doing here? Where's my daughter? I'm taking my daughter!"
"You lost any rights to call her your daughter when you hurt her," I spat. I forgot all about Sinner and the troubles between us. All I cared about was getting rid of Danielle. Amy was sleeping soundly right on the other side of that door - where she was safer than she'd ever been in Danielle's home. "Get out of here, Danielle. Go sober up. You're going to have to do a lot of penance if you think Sinner will ever let you near his daughter again."
"Who the hell do you think you are?" Danielle lurched forward. She'd been beautiful last time I saw her. Now, she looked ghastly. If Amy saw her mother like this, I was sure she'd have nightmares. "You're not her mother. You'll never be her mother. And him? He won't want you. Soon enough, you'll see. That man doesn't care about women. He just throws them away like used Kleenex. That's what he did to me, and it's what he’ll do to you."
There were a few things I could have done then. I did the wrong thing.
I laughed in her face.
The thought that this crazy bitch had any clue about Sinner and I was just too ridiculous. I was supposed to trust some methed-up, child-beating woman? Yeah right.
Her already sunken face fell a little more as I laughed at her. And then something similar to life sparked in her eyes. She shrieked like a banshee, the sound high-pitched and awful, and launched herself at me. I added my own shriek to the chorus as her fingers clawed against my face, her fingernails scraping my flesh, their ends tattered and bitten under the evidence of a long-ago manicure.
She got an arm around my neck and pulled with a force that belied her scrawny muscles, kneeing my stomach, hard. I grunted, more surprised than anything else. So surprised that I just let her beat me for a second, trying to figure out whether or not this was actually happening.
That second was over quick. With an unladylike grunt, I spun around and slammed Danielle into the wall using my body as leverage. I heard a sick crack as her head hit plaster, her limbs going limp all at once. Panting, I stumbled back, and watched her slump down. There was a skull-sized hole in the wall where her head had slammed. She was conscious, but she was dazed and looked broken. I crouched down, still breathing hard, grabbing her chin in my hand and pulling her face towards mine.
"Get the fuck out of here before Sinner finds you," I advised. "He might not stop where I did."
I released her and got up. For a second, I considered trying to get back into the apartment, waking Sinner up so he could deal with Danielle. But I thought she would take my advice, and save Amy the trauma of accidentally stumbling upon her mother looking like a broken scarecrow. Danielle also looked so bad that I felt bad for her. Maybe this would inspire her to get help for whatever was wrong with her. Besides that, I would have to explain to Sinner why I was out in the hallway with her anyway. I would have to explain that I was sneaking away...
I turned, still trying to figure out the best move. Maybe this was all a big mistake. Maybe I was reading too far into things. Maybe I was...
Going to get shot. A -fucking-gain. I heard the familiar click of a barrel cocking behind my back. I went cold all over, knowing that druggie cunt was crazy enough to shoot me.
"You're not her mother," Danielle said, and I cringed, waiting for the bullet to pierce my back, waiting for darkness to take over.
"Neither are you, bitch!"
I didn't need to turn around to figure out what was happening. The sounds told me enough. The door slamming, the female shriek, the gun clattering to the floor. The wet slam of fist on flesh, the crunch of a bone. I turned around with my heart in my throat, saw Sinner with his fist poised over Danielle's battered face.
I jumped forward, holding him back before he could do anything more than break her nose. It was one thing for me to slam her into a wall. Sinner had 150 pounds of muscle on her, and if he punched her again it might be the last time she ever felt anything.
She couldn't hurt us now, anyway.
"Why'd you come back here? What the fuck is wrong with you? Raising a gun to my fucking woman - I should kill you, you bitch!"
Sinner was screaming, loud enough to rouse Amy. Her cries came through the closed door, f
rightened. I saw Danielle's eyes light up again, her mouth full of blood, contorting into a pitiful shape of abject misery.
"Go take care of Amy," Sinner said to me, not taking his eyes off Danielle. I hesitated, afraid to leave him alone with her. He flicked his eyes towards me. "She's crying, Lucy."
I backed away, terrified and confused and on the verge of tears. But however bad I felt, I was sure Amy felt worse. And I knew nothing would pull Sinner away now. So I slipped through the door, praying that he wouldn't do something that would destroy them both. I went to Amy's room, put on a brave face, and took her in my arms.
She immediately clung to me, crying out unintelligible words. Her heart was beating so fast that it scared me. I rocked and cooed, calming her as best I could while also listening - desperately - for any sound that would indicate what was happening outside.
Nothing came. Not until Amy calmed down and fell back asleep, still clinging to me. Not until I heard the door open and close. Not until he appeared in Amy's room, taking up the whole door frame.
"She won't be back," he said flatly.
"How do you..."
"She won't," he grumbled. And that was all I was going to get from him. Maybe it was all I'd ever get. Carefully, I detached Amy and put her back in bed, pulling the covers up over her. I came to Sinner, trying to read the unreadable in his eyes.
"She knocked on the door?" He asked, a hand on my lower back leading me into the hall. I hesitated. I should have lied. It would have been easy to lie. But by the time I decided to lie, it was too late. He turned to me with a question in his eyes. "Then what were you doing out there?"
"I..."
I was leaving you again because I'm not worth losing your family over, I thought. How could I say that to him, though? What words would explain how I was doing what was best for all of us, even if he didn't see it as the best?
"Don't tell me you were sneaking out," he said, an eyebrow crooked, face full of disbelief. "Why on earth would you do that? You know you can just wake me up if you need to..."
"I know," I said, voice croaking. "I wasn't...Sinner, me being here isn't fair to you. It's not fair to you or Amy. I can't be a part of this choice you have to make. I need to leave."
His face turned from confused to stormy.
"What?"
"I just...you need to be with your club, and I'm just a complication!" I said, pushing past him towards the door. "I’ve always been a complication. I'm not doing anyone any good by being here!"
With a growl, Sinner grabbed my hand. He yanked, making me yelp, until I was back in his arms.
"You're always doing this shit," he said, shaking his head, looking down at me. "Why do you think you get to make these decisions for me? You think you're no good for me? You think it'll be better if you're not here? You're fucking crazy, woman. It's not up to you to decide what's good for me, or my daughter. It's up to me. And I know for fucking sure that you're the best thing for me."
I could feel my heart quivering in my chest, wanting so hard to believe those words. That part of me that wanted to protect him, at all costs, protested. He didn't know, he didn't understand...
"Listen to me," he said. "For once in your life, woman, listen to me. I don't care if you're complicated. I can protect myself. I can protect my daughter. I can protect you. That's not your job. Your job is to stand by my side, and fucking talk to me before you decide to leave in the middle of the goddamn night. I love you, Lucya. You always say I don't ‘get it’. Well, this time it's you. You need to get it through your skull. I love the shit out of you, and that means you will always be the one I choose. And that's not the wrong decision. You will never be the wrong decision."
"Sinner," I moaned, finally falling into his arms. All the way. To hear him say that...it was unbearable, my heart swelling up too much to carry by myself.
Lucky for me, I happened to have a very strong man who wanted to help me carry it. I just had to let him.
Chapter 42
Sinner
The door closed with a click behind me. At the same moment it clicked, Army turned in his seat to look at me. Train had his hands folded on the desk, and used a simple gesture to invite me to sit down. I had a hard time meeting Army's eyes, but I did it. He looked impassive, if a little on edge. I sat beside him, uncomfortably close.
It took two days for Train to call me back to the office. At least he told me in advance to expect Army, so it wasn't a surprise to see him there. I felt a little bit like a schoolboy at the principal's office after a lunchroom fight. On a much more dangerous scale, of course.
"Sinner, I've thought pretty hard about this," Train began. "You know how I feel about you as a brother. You've always been good to - and good for - this club. But what you did to Army was unacceptable. Hiding her from us was unacceptable."
With each word, my hopes fell a little lower. Unacceptable. There weren't really any two ways about it, were there? Unacceptable meant unacceptable.
"But before I made my decision, I wanted to talk to Army," Train continued. What was left of my hopes disappeared. I was about to turn in my cut. The little accessory that was worth more than its weight in gold. My patch, leaving a big empty scar on the back of my jacket. I'd have to get my insignia tattoo removed...
"Sinner, are you listening to me?"
I realized that I wasn't, lost in my thoughts. Army was looking at me. He was here to hammer that final nail into my coffin, I guess.
"Sorry, boss," I said, choking a bit on that last word.
"Dammit, Sinner, we're talking about your patch here, not the shit you need to pick up at the grocery store," Train grumbled. "Army, you tell him."
I turned to meet Army's eyes and was surprised by what I saw in them.
"I don't want you gone," he said. "You were trying to protect your old lady. I can dig it, man. I mean, I can't say that we're gonna be best friends anytime soon..."
I stared at the young guy in wonder. This was a maturity I'd never seen from Army before. He was always a little impulsive and thoughtless, or so I thought. Now, here he was, being a good Christian and turning the other cheek. It didn't even dawn on me that this meant I was still a Tide; I was just surprised to hear this from Army of all people.
"You're good for this club, like Train said," he finished. "And you've got a little girl to provide for. It was my fault we got into that whole mess. I'm willing to try and forget about it."
"Shit, man," I said. "That's mighty fucking big of you."
Army shrugged, giving me a smile that wasn't entirely convincing.
"You're on probation, Sinner," Train took over. "Long-term probation. You're gonna have to hustle for us, show me that you're back in the right frame of mind to ride with us."
"Of course," I said. "Now that she's..."
I stopped mid-sentence. What if there were more stipulations? What if Train really was going to make me choose?
"Right," Train said. "About her."
He drummed his fingers on the table, eyes narrow. Then he sighed.
"Just don't fucking screw it up. If she's that fucking good, you better not lose her. I'll be real pissed at you if all this bullshit turns out to be in vain."
Relief washed through me like the tide for which we were named.
"Right," I said. "Trust me, I'm not screwing this one up. She's...yeah, man. She's worth it."
"Alright," Train said, leaning back. He waved his hands. "Shake on it, and get out of here. I got work to do."
Army and I did just that, a firm handshake sealing the truce between us. I followed him out; passing through the bar, my reception was miles warmer than it was last time. I guess word spread pretty damn fast. I shook some hands on my way out, and happened to catch Boots' eye; she gave me a smirk that implied she had some say about what happened back there in Train's office. Bless her romantic little heart.
I would have hung around, gotten drunk, made my peace in full. But I had something a little more pressing to take care of. And after I was done w
ith it, I was sure I'd have even more reason to celebrate.
I was going home to see my old lady and my little girl. I just had one stop to make on the way.
Chapter 43
Lucya
Amy was asleep by the fifth page, but I kept reading until the end, just in case. It was a book I actually remembered from when I was a kid, Sam, Bangs, and Moonshine.
I closed the thin book and set it on the nightstand, where the soft lamp cast a pleasant glow over Amy's blond locks. When she slept, like this, she looked even more like her father than when she was awake and you could see those gray eyes shining back at you.
"Has she been asleep long?"
Sinner's voice came softly from the doorway, and I was smiling before I even turned to look at him. His voice did that to me. Made me smile. Like nothing I could ever remember.
I thought I'd be able to tell, the minute I saw him, what happened when he met with Train. But he was inscrutable, casting his tall shadow over Amy's pink carpet.
"Not long," I said, rising and sweeping into his arms. "How did it go?"
He was silent. I felt his heartbeat, its pace faster and harder than normal. My stomach dropped into my toes. He was out. They were taking his patch. Whether or not it was my fault didn't matter; this would break him. I would be there to put him back together, but...
My thought was cut off as he pulled away, still holding my hands.
"You love my daughter, right?"
The question took me off guard, but I nodded.
"Of course," I said.
"Good," he said. "I was just checking. I never planned on doing something like this, so bear with me."
My confusion only deepened as I felt a pull on my hands, Sinner sinking down to his knees before me. Out of some weird and stupid instinct, I began to kneel down, too. Sinner chuckled quietly and put his hand on my chest, pushing me back up.
