by Nikki Wild
Sawyer
Pennsylvania, Five Years Ago
Of course it was storming as I climbed out of the taxi, pulling my hoodie up over my head as I stepped towards the payphone. I didn’t blame the weather, because it was just too poetic. I mean, why not take the opportunity to be a complete cliché – soaking everything in sight during what I had to do?
Quickly pulling myself under the lackluster covering, I rummaged in my pocket for a moment. With a handful of jiggling change, I jammed some quarters into the coin slot.
It was time.
I hesitated, my fingers hovering along the edge of the phone. Am I really going to go through with this? It’s now or never. I can still turn back…
My chest was heavy as I punched in my father’s cell phone number. Panic seized in my lungs as I lifted the wet phone from the catch, all too conscious of my own breathing. The entire world froze as the receiver slid into place against my ear, already in the middle of the second, maybe third ring. It rang a few more times, and I felt my stomach knotting up.
Would he even pick up? I wasn’t honestly sure.
CLICK. “Hello?” The voice was unmistakably that of my father. He sounded weary, but not necessarily rushed. Good.
“Is this Chet Samuels?” I asked, naively attempting to disguise myself with a transparently deep but recognizable voice. Unfortunately, speaking loudly enough for him to hear me pretty much ruined any chance of that.
“Who is – Sawyer? Is that you?”
CLICK. I slammed the phone back onto the catch. Fear flooded my veins, filling my lungs. I breathed uncertainty; I exhaled regret. But it was too late now – I couldn’t do this to my father without an explanation.
Hesitantly, I jammed my hand into my pocket, swirling around the change for a few more quarters. Shit. I was one short.
I walked back and tapped on the window. The taxi driver begrudgingly rolled the window down, cursing at the immediate exposure to the borderline monsoon.
“I’m gettin’ soaked here, kid! Whaddaya want?” He shouted over the deafening rain.
“I need a quarter.”
“What?”
I repeated, shouting it over the rain. “I need a quarter!”
“A quarter? Look, pal, I’m a taxi driver! Not a goddamn bank!”
“I have to make a phone call! Listen, I’ll tip you! I just need a freaking quarter! It’s important!”
“Fine! Fuck! Just gimme a minute here!”
He hastily zipped the window back up, and I stood with my back to the pouring rain. I was already soaked to the bone, standing against the overwhelming lash of nature – as if it, too, disagreed with what I had come here to do.
Just give it up, it seemed to tell me.
Wouldn’t it easier to warm up by that fireplace?
It only made me angrier, but that’s exactly what I needed, and I knew it. No more hesitation. No more doubt.
What I needed was stone-cold conviction.
“Here! Just hurry up! I’m not gettin’ paid for you calling your little girlfriend up!” The driver shouted, handing me a quarter through the window.
I brushed his comment aside and splashed back to the payphone. Emptying my quarters into the slot, I lifted the receiver and dialed the number again.
This time, Dad picked up on the second ring.
“Hello? Sawyer? Is that you?”
“It’s me, Dad,” I shouted over the rain. “Can you hear me?”
“Yes! Why are you shouting?”
“It’s storming!”
There was a slight pause, and then a chuckle into the phone, followed by something inaudible.
“What?” I yelled out.
“I said, ‘So it is!’ I didn’t even notice!” He shouted back.
“Where are you?” I asked loudly.
“I’m here at home!”
“Is anyone else around?”
“No!”
“Mom, Saffron, where are they?”
“They’re out by themselves at some gallery! Buying art! You know how the two of them are about their art! This storm really came out of nowhere, didn’t it?”
Good, I thought to myself. I didn’t want either of them around while I called. This was something that just had to be between him and me – even if he was inevitably going to tell Ellen about it when they were alone.
That was a compromise I could live with.
“Son, where are you? I’ll pick you up right now!”
I thought about it for a moment. This was my one chance to turn back, to cast off this entire stupid thing. But I was too committed now.
“That’s not why I called!” I told him loudly. “I just wanted to let you know that I’m okay!”
“Good! Now come back home! Your mother and I are worried sick!”
In the back of my head, I recognized that he didn’t mention Saffron at all, but I knew what he was like. What both my parents were like. She could be worried sick about me, and he wouldn’t have thought to say it. Maybe he hadn’t even noticed.
But I doubted that was the case. I knew she hated the way that I acted towards her. She had every right to hate me.
“I can’t!” I told him, plugging in my other ear with my finger as the rain thrashed about. Even under this covering, with all the buildings around, there was still enough force for the weather to antagonize me as I made this phone call.
“Why not? Son, you don’t have to leave home to be a man! I just want you to be safe!”
“I know, Dad! But it’s more than that!”
“What?” He sounded confused.
“You read the note, right?”
“Yes! Every word! I read it over and over!”
“There’s something I didn’t say in the note, something private!”
“What? Really? Why didn’t you write it in?”
“It’s something just for you! You can’t tell my stepsister! You can’t tell anyone… Promise me!” The rain was as harsh as ever, and I was struggling to hear him.
“Son, I promise! You can tell me anything! I promise she won’t find out!”
I hesitated, took a deep breath, and made my confession.
“I love her, Dad! I love Saffron, with everything that I am! I’ve loved her since the day I met her! It’s too much for me to handle! I’m weak, I’m stupid, and I just can’t…I can’t…” my words trailed off, and I fought back wetness on my face that didn’t come from the rain.
“Son! It’s okay! We can sort this out! I just want you back home! It’s just a phase! People go through this sometimes! If you just come back – ”
“No, Dad! You’re not listening!”
“Tell me where you are! We can figure this out!”
“Dad! You never fucking listened to me!”
The line went quiet. I fought back the urge to ask if he was still there.
“ That’s…that’s not true!” He finally replied.
“Dad, you didn’t even tell me she existed! Not until after the marriage! The entire time you and Ellen were dating, you were barely there for me! And that’s okay! You were so busy with your work, with your relationship; you just didn’t have time for me! I don’t blame you! I’ve never blamed you!”
“I…no, you can’t think that!”
“Think about it, Dad! You were always tied up! Always too busy for me! Even before they entered our lives, I barely saw you for years! I had to grow up by myself! And now I have to do it again, but this time…this time I have to be away from everyone!”
“Son…!” He was audibly beside himself. Something croaked into his voice. It sounded like a dawning realization, descending into regret.
“It’s okay! I’ve never blamed you! But I have to do this now! My sister…I’ve been in love with her for years! And I can’t deal with it anymore! That’s why I’m really leaving! I have to get her out of my head! I have to forget! She means the entire fucking world to me, and I can’t bear being around her anymore because all I want to do is love her! And I can’t…�
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He said something, but I couldn’t hear him over the rain.
“What?”
“I said, ‘I understand,’” he spoke louder. “I wish there was something I could have done for you. I wish I’d known…that I’d paid more attention to you…I’ve been a terrible father!” He was shouting over the rain again now, his voice breaking. “I’ve let you down!”
“No!” I rebutted him. He was in danger of losing the point, and I didn’t have much more time to make sure he really understood. “You raised me right! You gave me everything I needed! But I need you to understand…and you know now why I couldn’t write that in the note! She saw it, right?”
“Yes,” my father confirmed loudly. He sounded like a broken man now. “She read the note.”
“You see? I wanted to tell you! I wanted to tell her! But I’m not strong enough to handle this…so I have to go away! I have to learn to be stronger! But while I’m gone, I’ll become better! You’ll see!”
“Son…you don’t have to prove anything to me! You know I love you!”
“I know, Dad! I love you too! But I need this!”
“Is it…is it really that bad?” He asked loudly.
“Dad, when you look at Ellen – when you look at Mom – what do you feel?”
“I feel…” he paused, collecting his thoughts. He paused for a long time, and the silence was all he really had to say. “She means the world to me!”
“That’s how Saffron makes me feel!” I shouted. “I can’t bear the thought of being apart from her! When she smiles, nothing else matters! She’s all I could ever want!” I could feel myself breaking down, but I held myself together. “I have to go away – I have to learn to live without her. She’s my stepsister! I can’t love her. I can never have her!”
To his credit, my father was finally listening.
“How long are you going to be gone?” He asked loudly.
“I don’t know. It might be a few years.”
“Where are you going?”
“Far away. Across the country. I don’t know yet…”
By now, I’d already settled on New Orleans…but I knew that if I told him, he’d never stop looking for me there, even if I moved on. I made a promise to myself – That’s the last time I lie to my father. He had reacted with confusion but not anger, even after I made him understand that I was in love with my stepsibling. Instead of disgust, or fury, or any of those emotions…he didn’t claim to completely get it, but he supported me now. The very least that I could do to repay him is never lie to him again.
“Be safe, Sawyer! You know how to reach me if you ever need anything! I’m just a phone call away – there’s no shame in it! I’ll never judge you for anything!”
“I believe you.” I shouted over the torrential rain. “I have to go now. But Dad…I love you.”
The receiver hit the line, and I stood by the payphone and let every last ounce of emotion inside me take their toll. Reduced almost to tears at what I had done – how grateful I was that he hadn’t turned his back on me – I let the rain do its worst.
After a few seconds to compose myself, I stepped away from the kiosk and popped open the back passenger door. Sliding into the backseat, completely dripping everywhere, I closed the door behind myself, letting the elements pelt against the glass.
“Holy shit, man.” The driver glanced at me the rearview mirror. “That was fucking deep. You can keep the quarter.”
“Fuck you,” I flashed an angry glare right back at him. He stiffened up in his seat, and I cast my gaze back at the payphone. “Just take me to the fucking bus station.”
Pensacola, Present Day
Pushing up against me, Saffron murmured in her sleep.
I had thought her beautiful before, on many different occasions. None of those fleeting instances compared to what I saw now, nestled up against me. The sun had set, the night had come, and in the soft glow of the side table lamp I watched my beloved slumber. In this moment, more so than any other before it, she was the sheer epitome of beauty.
My fingers moved to her hairline, stroking a few strands out of the way. Her shoulders sashayed so slightly that I almost wondered if she had even moved. As I thought on this, her lungs took in a deep breath, and her body became silent once more.
I thought back to that phone call in the rain, so long ago. It had been clear to me that he’d kept his word – my father never told her. Nor did my stepmother, who clearly knew and didn’t judge.
We’d never discussed it, Ellen and I. We had, I supposed, somewhat of an unspoken understanding. I loved her daughter so much that I left her rather than hurt her, and whatever my father had told her had convinced her to remain silent. She had respected my wishes.
After all this time, I understood that I’d failed – but I’d tried to do things the right way. I really had. In my young, naïve head, I thought that it would be easier on both Saffron and I if I just left. I wasn’t willing to go out on the limb.
I had been far too afraid.
But I didn’t have to be afraid anymore.
All that time, I had wanted to become a better man. To accomplish this, I severed my ties with everything I knew and took a bus as far south as I could go. New Orleans offered me a fresh start, and I was more willing to throw myself into whatever awaited me there – with absolutely no idea what I was doing – than to come back home, admit defeat, and explain it all to my stepsister.
I thought I had been strong.
But I knew the truth now.
I had been a coward.
The simple fact stared me in the face as Saffron shifted subtly in her sleep – I had never given her a chance.
When she arrived at my home that day, I had already judged her. She had been so desperate to stay out of our lives as long as she could, or so I thought. When the truth became clear to me, I should have explained my idiocy. I should have tried to start over with her. Instead, I kept up the act. I immersed myself in holding her at arm’s length, never letting her in.
She had loved me too. Maybe I would have seen that if I had just given her the benefit of the doubt. But I had been too afraid of the consequences. I had wasted five years of our lives, five long years that we could have spent together, as a result of that choice.
Without her input – without what she wanted in consideration – I had left her. I saw that now. I should have understood that she cared about me, that I was a part of her life no matter what, and that I did to her what her father had done to her.
No wonder she had been so furious when I returned.
And because I didn’t get it, I’d been careless with her.
But that was all over. Everything was tucked away into the past. Because now that she was here, in my arms…I would never leave her again. It had all been worth it, every last moment, just to bring me here with her right now. I’d given up years with her because I’d been foolish. But after everything she and I had been through, separated from one another…we were here now, truly together for the first time.
That was a compromise I could live with.
Twenty-Three
Saffron
Pensacola, Present Day
I woke up alone. Yawning and stretching my arms, the memories of the previous night came flashing back to me. I remembered Sawyer’s touch; I basked in the memories of his love.
That happened, I had to remind myself. We made love.
Holy shit.
But Sawyer was nowhere in sight. Climbing up from the bed, I gave one last stretch, staring out of his window and over the ocean. It was such a magnificent view. I hadn’t taken much time to properly appreciate it since we had arrived – I’d been too tied up with how much I hated Sawyer until we finally got everything out in the open the previous night.
I tugged the window open. The salty smell of the ocean hit my senses, and I took in a deep, loving breath.
Yesterday, I’d lived such a different life. But now, today…everything was better. Everything was fine. All thos
e years of bitter regret, all that anger and resentment…it was gone.
So, where’s Sawyer?
I crossed over to my room and tossed on a bathrobe. Maybe I’d slink downstairs and surprise him with a nice blowjob, or cook some food for us and let him fuck me over the counter. Better skip the underwear, I chuckled to myself.
Tying the robe close, I quietly padded down to the foyer. Once there, I could hear the distant sound of sizzling, and turned a corner into the kitchen.
Sawyer was frying some eggs and bacon at the stove, a big smile on his face. He hadn’t seen me yet, but I thought that my big, muscled man could use some more relaxation after the fight. We’d have to get him to a doctor, just to confirm that he hadn’t been injured too much. He had insisted that he was fine the night before, but better safe than sorry.
I thought I might sneak up on him, but I knew better than to startle a seasoned fighter with a pan of hot grease. Instead, I slunk up along the side, letting him see me as I ran my fingers along the counter.
“You’re supposed to be in bed,” Sawyer smiled.
“Yeah, well…I got lonely.” I gave him the saddest, widest eyes that I could, sticking out my bottom lip. “I missed you. And I think you missed me too…” I ran my hand under his tank top, feeling his rugged abdominal muscles, and slipped the fingers down into the front of his jeans. Keeping my eyes on his, I found his cock, running my fingertips along the outline and stirring it to life.
“Better get you out of these jeans,” I whispered. “Because I’ve got plans for you…”
“And boy, would I love that,” he murmured in delight, “but I’ll burn breakfast…”
“Screw breakfast,” I grinned.
“Might want to let it cool down…could be some nasty burns.”
“Alright, smartass.”
He smiled warmly, and I pulled my hand free, whipping my robestring open. As the fabric unfolded, my entire body was on display for him, and he took one of my breasts into his strong hands. Squeezing it tight, he ran his thumb against the peaking nipple as he gazed upon my nude body.
