by Nikki Wild
“That’s right, I did. You remember?”
“Of course, I remember,” I said. “It wasn’t that long ago.” I’d never danced with a man before—only a few boys during high school dances amongst a bunch of other kids our age. It was always awkward and weird and we all avoided the slow dances as much as possible.
Dancing with a handsome man I barely knew at a luxurious grown-up party wasn’t something I was prepared for. In fact, I remember being so irritated that Mom made me go, that I put a book in my purse, expecting to sit in the corner by myself and read all night. I’d done just that until Bear had walked up out of the blue and asked me to dance.
“Do you remember the song?”
“Some slow Motown thing,” I said.
“It was ‘Oh, No’ by the Commodores,” he said.
“I can’t believe you remember that,” I said, looking over at him. “I just remember thinking the lyrics seemed overly sappy and romantic.”
He laughed loudly, making me laugh with him.
“I guess they were,” he said. “I didn’t think about that too much then. To me, you didn’t seem like a child, Chloe. You were already eighteen, right?”
“I was,” I said. “But barely. What does this have to do with my question?”
“I’ve been thinking about you ever since then, Chloe,” he said, growing serious again.
“You have?” I asked, my voice raising in bewilderment.
“It started when I saw your picture. Then, when I met you, something about you captured me. It was like a switch went off. Like I’d finally found something I didn’t realize I was looking for.”
“Seriously?” I asked.
“Yes. I know it doesn’t make sense,” he said, “and you were way too young, too shy, too quiet. You were about to start college, I knew you had so much ahead of you.”
“I don’t really know what to say,” I replied, my mind spinning.
“There’s nothing to say. I’m just answering your question. When I saw you again that day at lunch in Portland with Matilda, the feelings I’d had before were only reinforced. But when you so passionately dug your heels in about moving to New York, I saw something else in you that I hadn’t seen before. A spark. A quiet determination and yet there was so much more. You seemed lost and wild, like maybe you were looking for someone to guide you. I acted solely on my intuition. I took a huge chance that day. You could have run out of that room screaming. It would have been a huge embarrassment for me. But something else happened, didn’t it?”
“Yes,” I answered quietly, remembering, “it did.”
“Something magical, if you ask me,” he replied, squeezing my knee. I looked over at him, a million more questions in my head. I nodded in agreement, quiet again and lost in my own thoughts.
What had he seen in me at eighteen? I had no idea who I was back then. Was I wild and lost? Maybe I was. But isn’t every eighteen year old wild and lost?
The thought that I’d been on his mind all this time had completely taken me aback. How was that even possible? I had no idea I was even on his radar. Everything had seemed so spontaneous and random. To think that it wasn’t—well, I just didn’t know what to think about that.
“I’m sure this comes as a surprise to you,” he said.
“That’s putting it mildly,” I said. We were close to home now, the city sparkling like a blanket of stars stretching out in front of us.
“What did you think of me that night?” he asked. “You were polite enough and danced with me, but I could tell you couldn’t wait to get away.”
I nodded quietly, remembering, his words putting me right back there in the moment. Mostly, I remembered his hands.
They’re so hot! I thought. Mr. Dalton’s hands radiated a heat like nothing I’d felt before.
One of his hands was holding mine and the other one was pressed against the small of my back and somehow created the distinct sensation of making the fabric of my dress melt away. It felt like skin on skin, just like the skin of his palm that was touching my palm as we moved together on the dance floor.
He was leading. I’d stepped on his foot twice already, once the left, lightly, then the right, so hard that he’d winced, the skin beside his eyes wrinkling up in deep crow’s feet. I could only manage a very quick glance, because his dark blue eyes seemed to be trying to pierce right through me and it was making me nervous.
From the way his hands felt against me and the way he was looking at me, I felt like I was having that dream again that I used to have. You know the one—where you’re giving a presentation in class and you look down and suddenly you’re naked and everyone’s laughing and pointing at your private bits.
It was like that.
Only, Mr. Dalton wasn’t laughing or pointing.
He was looking at me the way I looked at that frog in biology my Freshman year in high school. I was so curious back then—I wanted to know everything about it, see every single intestine and ligament and organ. I focused on it like a laser, drinking in every detail.
I couldn’t look at him, but I could feel his gaze on my face. My eyes stayed averted and I looked everywhere but at him. I just wanted the dance to be over. Why in the world would a man like him want to dance with a girl like me?
He was enormous—not just his body, but his presence was overwhelming, too. Way too much for eighteen year-old me to even begin to have the skills to process.
I mean, he was incredibly handsome, built like a god, don’t get me wrong. But with every word he said, the low rumble of his voice seemed to vibrate directly to my gut. I didn’t really hear a word, I was so focused on getting away from him.
He was like a flame that I was being made to touch against my will.
“Chloe?” he asked, pulling me back to the moment. “Do you remember?”
“Yes,” I replied. “I was just very overwhelmed by you, that’s all I really remember.”
“I got that impression,” he said. “That was unfortunate. But understandable. You were young.”
“I’m still pretty young,” I shrugged.
“That’s true, but there’s a big difference between eighteen and twenty-six.”
“I suppose,” I said, my mind trying to process all of this information. I’d barely given him a second thought since that dance. To think that it meant more to him was bewildering. And a little unbelievable.
He was rich and powerful. He could have any woman he wants, why would he waste two seconds thinking of a naive, inexperienced, shy girl he barely knew?
“I imagine this makes you look at me a little differently?” he asked.
“I—well, I don’t know. I don’t think so. I just don’t understand why you’d be interested in a girl like me—now or then.”
“You underestimate yourself, you know that, Chloe?” he said, the lights from the city now flashing on his face. “You’re a beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful woman. Any man would be lucky to spend time with you. Even me.”
I nodded and tried to smile.
I tried to believe him.
I wanted to believe him.
But it all seemed so far-fetched. There wasn’t anything all that special about me. To think he saw something in me that I didn’t see myself made me question everything.
Who was I?
Have you ever wished you could see yourself as others see you?
I sighed, sinking back into the seat as Bear kept driving, his Jeep immersing us deeper and deeper into the city as he drove me home. Our reflection flashed in the glass windows of the buildings and I saw us—a seemingly normal couple doing a seemingly normal act of driving down a street—and yet, I felt like I was watching a movie, as if none of this was really happening to me.
Believing that I’d catch the attention of a man like Bear, have an opportunity to live in a city like this, to experience the things I’d experienced in the last few weeks, did not come easy or natural. It was far from ordinary, far from normal.
And yet, although I’d been plopped into this l
ife out of nowhere, Bear seemed to act like it was the most natural thing in the world. And now I knew why. He’d been thinking about me for years. He’d played out the scenarios we’d been acting out in his head for years.
But this wasn’t a movie.
This was real life.
My life.
And most of all, I needed it to make sense.
I wasn’t sure how to make that happen. Maybe I’d have to keep asking questions until something clicked. Maybe I’d get there with the passing of time.
In the meantime, I’d just have to keep pinching myself to remind myself how real it all was.
Bear pulled up in front of my building and turned off the engine. He turned to me, a smile on his face as he pulled me in for a kiss. His lips were warm and soft and so inviting. My body stirred, a deep yearning that never seemed to be extinguished.
“Aren’t you coming up?” I asked, between kisses.
“Nope, not tonight,” he replied, leaning down and kissing my neck. I shivered, a light moan escaping from my lips. “I have an early meeting in the morning, remember?”
“Right,” I replied. “I’ll be in early tomorrow, too.”
“No, take the day off,” he said, shaking his head. “Recuperate. There’s plenty of time to get the project done.”
He kissed me again, harder this time, my entire body tingling with excitement. I opened my mouth, kissing him deeper, suddenly hating the fact that we were about to be separated. I was growing quite fond of his hand in mine and the thought of going up to my apartment alone wasn’t appealing at all.
He kissed me back, hard, the passion growing between us. I moaned, reaching up and touching his cheek, relishing the feel of the stubble he’d grown the last few days under my palm.
We both jumped apart when my phone started ringing.
I yelped, digging through my purse as I searched for it. I found it at the bottom.
“Fuck!” I yelled when I saw Harlan’s ugly face on the screen. Punching the top button, I turned it off, looking back at Bear apologetically. “Sorry about that interruption.”
“That was your ex calling?” he asked, his eyes flashing with irritation.
“I guess so,” I shrugged.
“Does he call often?” he asked.
“What? I don’t know…maybe, I guess. I never answer because he’s the last person I want to talk to.”
“Then why is he calling?” he demanded.
“I—I don’t know,” I stuttered, taken aback at his tone of voice. He’d changed so quickly. “It doesn’t matter,” I shrugged. “He’s a loser.”
“You should tell him to stop calling,” he said, flashing me a tight smile.
“That would mean I’d have to talk to him,” I said, reaching over and kissing his cheek. I opened the door and grabbed my bag from between my legs and turned back to him. “I had an amazing time. Please tell me we can go back there soon?”
“You bet,” he said, his smile widening and his eyes relaxing. I hated seeing him all uptight over Harlan, but he was a man and a very alpha one at that.
“Good!” I smiled back. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“Goodnight, Beauty,” he called, before I closed the door.
I walked into the building hating Harlan for ruining my moment. As soon as I got in the elevator, I pulled out my phone and blocked his number.
Twenty
“So, tell me everything!” Marie’s voice boomed into my ear as soon as I picked up the phone. I’d texted her before I’d left to go to Bear’s cabin letting her know I’d be out of touch for a few days.
“It was like visiting the North pole but without Santa,” I said, as I poured myself a cup of coffee. I’d only been awake a few moments before she was blowing up my phone. “It was very snowy and cold and beautiful.”
“That sounds lovely, what else?”
“We went there in a helicopter!” I said. “I had to repel out of it, Marie! His cabin is perched high up on a cliff and there’s nowhere up there for it to land.”
“Are you sure you aren’t dating Jack Bauer?” she asked.
“No,” I laughed. “It was terrifying, actually. The rest of the trip was absolutely lovely, though.”
“Did you fuck him again?” she asked.
“That’s basically all we did,” I replied. “Inside. Outside. On a trail overlooking the Hudson Valley in the snow.”
“That’s amazing,” she said. “He must be amazing in bed.”
“He’s, well—like I told you before, he’s a little rough.”
“Not too rough, I hope?”
“Rough enough that I have a safe word.”
“Oh,” she replied, “that’s interesting.”
“He’s interesting,” I said. “There’s many layers to this guy.”
“Well, be careful,” she said. “Don’t let him go too far.”
“It’s not like that,” I said. “He’d never hurt me.”
“Well, don’t be so sure. He sounds like he like’s extreme sports, repelling out of fucking helicopters and shit!”
“You may have a point,” I said, laughing. “He definitely has a penchant for adventures.”
“And perversions, apparently,” she teased. “How’s your butt?”
“My butt?” I asked.
“Last time we talked you had a Princess Barbie plug stuck up your butt, remember?”
“Oh, right. Yes, I’m pleased to report my butt is healthy and happy.”
I smiled, sipping my coffee, grateful for my friend. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have anyone to talk to about all of this.
“What are you doing today?” she asked.
“Having dinner with Matilda tonight,” I said.
“How is she taking your new relationship?” she asked.
“She doesn’t know,” I said. “So keep your mouth shut, you hear me? No Facebook posts or anything!”
“Oh, a secret fling with your Mom’s boss, I love it! It’s so titillating!”
“It is not!” I asked. “It’s just—oh fuck, I don’t know what it is. It’s exciting. And very new. No need to tell Matilda anything, as far as I’m concerned.”
“Well, be careful, you know how psychic she is with you,” she warned. Marie had seen Mom’s psychic connection with me in person several times.
“I know, I know,” I replied. “I have my guard up. I’ll be fine.”
“Famous last words,” she teased.
“Shut up!” I yelled. “Look, I gotta go. I just woke up and I need breakfast.”
“Alright, alright,” she said. “Call me later—oh wait!”
“What?”
“I forgot why I called!” she said. “Harlan is going nuts looking for you, girl. He’s called all your friends now and I guess he called your Mom’s old office and they told him she moved, at least that’s what he told my friend Jessica. He’s been talking about you non-stop to anyone who will listen, insisting he’s going to get you back, that he’s finally gotten his shit together.”
“Oh, please!” I said, rolling my eyes. “What is his problem? We’ve been broken up for six months, why can’t he just let it go?”
“I guess you’re just that good,” Marie teased. “And apparently Harlan isn’t the only one who thinks so. Maybe you should just tell him you’ve got a new boyfriend?”
“No, way. It’s none of his business and the last thing I want to do is talk to that asshole.”
“Okay, it’s your business. I just wanted to let you know he’s been snooping around.”
“Thanks,” I said. “My plan is to ignore him until he goes away.”
“Got it,” she said. “Okay, then. That’s all. Toot-a-loo!”
The phone went dead and I shook my head as I laid it on the kitchen counter.
Harlan could drop dead for all I cared. I had no intention of ever talking to him again and the fact that I never had to see him again made me happy.
New York was starting to feel really good.
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Max dropped me off at the Italian restaurant near Mom’s building before she arrived. After getting us a table and ordering a bottle of wine, I watched the people stream by outside, the snow lightly falling around them as they hustled through the streets. Everyone was bundled up with scarves and hats and thick coats, doing their best to protect themselves from the frigid temperatures.
Oregon winters were cold, but outside of maybe one or two days of snow, Portland didn’t get much snow. Lots of rain, sure, we were used to that. But cold like this? Even the worst of our winters couldn’t touch this.
When Mom walked in, she was shivering.
“I’d kill for a nice Oregon mist right now,” she said as she slid into the booth across from me.
“This cold goes right through your bones!” I exclaimed, pouring her a glass of wine.
“I can’t believe people leave their homes in this mess,” she said, laughing.
“I know, right? The entire city of Portland shuts down with half an inch of snow. Can you imagine how they’d react to this much and for this long?”
“Seriously, it’s been snowing since we arrived. I hope you’ve been bundling up.”
“I have,” I replied. “You know what a wimp I can be about the cold.”
“Well, if you need to go shopping for warmer clothes, just let me know and I’ll give you my credit card.”
“I’m good,” I said, feeling a flash of guilt for not telling her about Bear. She was being so nice. “I have some savings and I brought a bunch of warm things with me, too.”
“Is that a new dress?” she asked, eyeing the red frock I’d bought the other day.
“It is, do you like it?” I asked, neglecting to mention that I’d bought it with Bear’s credit card.
“I do,” she said. “It’s very East Coast.”
“Thanks,” I replied, smiling at her.
“It’s good to see you, Chloe,” she said. “Sorry I’ve been so busy. I knew things would be crazy at first.”
“It’s okay, I’ve been busy too.”
“So, what have you been up to?”
Ugh, I thought, the dreaded inquisition.
I’d been preparing for this. At least now I had an actual job to report, outside of all the ‘dick-tation’ I’d been taking from Bear.
