She wandered into the garden, heading toward the gazebo without a second thought. Maybe the warm memories she had here would help her. Or at least, force her to focus on the good things in life rather than the anger and sadness that were her only two emotions since she saw the Duke. She sat on the stone bench, shuddering when a chill went through her.
Back then, her only worry had been how she would tell Timothy the truth of what happened. Now the truth had followed behind them and was forcing them to face it.
Something snapped behind her. Matilda shot to her feet, whirling to the sound.
An intruder?
She waited a beat, listening to hear something else. Perhaps it had only been her imagination but when she heard stones crunching beneath someone’s foot, she knew she wasn’t alone.
Fear seized her. Matilda backed away, wanting to run but her legs felt as heavy as lead. She could only stare then grab her chest when the clear outline of a man appeared in the distance.
“Matilda.”
Matilda sagged when she saw Timothy come into clear view. He rushed over to her. “Timothy? What are you doing here?”
“I came because I had to see you. I wasn’t sure if you’d be here though. You weren’t here the last few nights.”
“You came here and waited for the past few nights?” He nodded. Matilda could only stare at him, unbelieving. She didn’t know whether she should hug him or chastise him for doing something so foolish. Finally, she settled for something in between—a question. “Why?”
“I had to see you but you’ve been avoiding me. Something was off at the last ball. Something happened and it affected all of you.”
“I…” She looked away.
What should I say?
Timothy took her hand. “I have a question I would like to ask you. Will you answer it?”
Her heart went still.
It can’t be about the Duke, right? Does he know?
Matilda searched his face, hoping to see the answer hidden within but there was nothing but sincere curiosity. Slowly, she nodded.
“Is the Duke of Dunstead the father of your child?”
Matilda stared at him. Her words failed her, though she had already prepared herself for such a question.
Should I tell him the truth?
With each second that went by, Timothy’s frown deepened.
No. He can’t handle the truth. I can barely handle the truth.
So she did what she seemed to be an expert at. She lied. “Yes,” she said with a nod. “The Duke of Dunstead is the father of the child.”
Timothy sank onto the stone bench. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“He wasn’t in London any longer. I didn’t think I would have to face him again so soon. I thought that, if he stayed away long enough, I would forget about him but… I was wrong.”
“Did you fall in love with him?”
To that, she barked a harsh, unladylike laugh that had no mirth. “I did not even like him. Not at first. But I was young and foolish and he was a handsome Duke who was interested in me. I let him seduce me and then once I found out that I was with child, he left me.”
Matilda looked away, deep in the reminisce. She could hear the words echoing back at her, tinged with tears from someone else entirely. Her sister. The true victim to the Duke’s seduction. “I was ruined and my father was furious. He did what another person would have done. He went to the Duke and demanded that he take responsibility for me and marry me. But the Duke refused to. He even threatened my father and my family and forced us to keep his identity a secret. Everyone will know that I bore a son but no one will know that it was for him. He remained unscathed while my reputation suffered.”
Matilda looked at Timothy and blinked in surprise when she caught sight of the burn of anger in his gaze. She put her hands over his, hoping it would soothe the rage. “That was all years ago, Timothy.”
“It was all years ago and yet the very sight of him makes you this upset.” His voice remained low, trembled with an intense emotion she desperately hoped wasn’t the anger. It frightened her to see him like this, just as much as it made her groin twist with need.
“There’s nothing that can be done about it, Timothy. It’s best to simply leave it alone.”
“I can’t just leave it alone!” he exclaimed, shooting to his feet. Matilda watched as he paced back and forth in angry strides. “Do you know where I’m coming from right now? I’m coming from seeing him. We were having drinks together and he got a little too drunk and ended up telling me that he is the father of your child. He even laughed about it! As if he didn’t ruin a young lady’s life.”
“My life isn’t ruined,” she said calmly.
“He still needs to be punished nonetheless.”
Timothy came to a stop at the other end of the gazebo and placed his hands on the metal railing, breathing hard. Matilda laughed.
He looked over his shoulder at her. “What’s so funny?”
“I find your anger incredibly adorable.” She rose and made her way over to him. Matilda wrapped her arms around his waist. “Do you want to be my knight in shining armor?”
“I want to be the person who protects you and makes you feel safe.”
“Then your task has already been completed. I do feel safe. Talking with you like this makes me feel like I can take on the world. Do you want to know a secret?”
“What’s that?”
“When I came out here, I was feeling very blue. My family is distressed by his reappearance and so am I. I’m helping where I can but there’s only so much I can do when I feel just as terribly myself. But you know what? Now, I don’t feel so bad. I think I should be able to tackle the morning with gusto now that I saw you.”
Timothy heaved a heavy sigh, wrapping his arms around her as well. “That wasn’t how I was thinking of helping but I’m glad I did. It breaks me to know you’ve been suffering all this time.”
“Not anymore.” She peered up at him. “Not anymore.”
Timothy bent his head, meeting her lips with his. She relaxed into his hold. Oh, she’d missed this. Being with him, feeling that familiar spark of heat in her belly at the way he touched her. Kissing him like this, as if the world they lived in no longer existed. Matilda wanted nothing more than this moment to last forever.
Timothy must have read her mind because he steered her toward the stone benches, not breaking the kiss. Slowly, he lowered her to sit and then he held her and kissed her. It was soft and tender, slow as if he wanted her to know that he wouldn’t ever hurt her. That she wouldn’t go through the same things she did with the Duke.
Her tiny lie weighed heavily on her. Most of it was true. All that did happen—but not to her. He had seduced Elizabeth, gotten her pregnant and then refused to marry her afterwards. Elizabeth, being so fragile with matters of the heart, had fallen for him easily and when she found out that she was to have a child, she had been confident that the Duke would marry her. His refusal had been a cold slap into reality that Matilda never wanted her sister to go through again.
When Timothy pulled away, it nearly tugged the truth from her lips. She nearly told him that it hadn’t happened to her, that she wasn’t the true mother to the child he had met, but her sister was. She wanted so badly to tell him the truth, but Matilda couldn’t let herself do it.
So she just rested her head on his shoulder. For now, she should be content in this moment. She should try to enjoy the way he felt and the way he smelled. Matilda didn’t know what plans her father had, locked away in his study like he was, but she wouldn’t be surprised if he cut their time in London short and went away another trip.
“Please,” Matilda murmured to him after a long while had passed. “Pretend you don’t know.”
“Why?”
“I remember when everyone was first beginning to find out about it. It had been fresh in everyone’s mind and the way they spoke about me was cutting. I don’t want to go through that again.”
Timothy kis
sed her on the top of her head. “You won’t.”
But she could sense he was still angry about it. Matilda said nothing.
Chapter 29
Matilda didn’t know what to do. Long after Timothy left, she stared after him, though she could no longer feel his warm touch. She stood by her bedside window after safely sneaking back into the manor and stared out into the garden, noticing for the first time that she had a perfect view of the gazebo where they always met. Anyone watching from where she stood would be able to see them. Anyone watching from the floor below would be able to as well. But those weren’t the thoughts that consumed her. That wasn’t the thing that bothered her endlessly. All she could think about was the way she had lied to him.
There was no going around the truth of the matter anymore. She was in love. Irrevocably in love with the man she could never have and she wasn’t ashamed to admit it. Not to herself, not to him, not even to her dearest sister. It had taken her quite some time to come to this conclusion, to realize that the way her body stirred in his presence—the way he always managed to bring forth thoughts that were quite unlike that of a proper lady—was simply because her body wanted the very same thing her heart did. Him. Everything about the Duke of Brentminster.
Just thinking of him now made her clutch her clothes in need. She sank into the chair by the window, looking away from the lonely sight as his image consumed her. Oh, she wanted him.
But how can I love him when I so easily lie to him?
Matilda couldn’t bring herself to come to terms with it. She understood why she did what she did. It was to protect her sister. Everything she did up to this point was to protect her dear Elizabeth. She deserved the world and Matilda had seen and heard enough of what was out there to take a step back and allow her sister to have it all. She couldn’t long for anything because this was the life she had chosen for herself. She couldn’t have anything because this was the society she was burdened with.
But she wanted Timothy. She longed for Timothy. And she felt terrible because she lied to the only man she’d ever given her heart to, the only person she believed would be able to protect it well.
Matilda shot to her feet. There was no denying the fact that he had been angry when he left, even though she had asked him not to be. The fury she felt roiling in him was frightening and Matilda was terribly afraid of what he might do because of it.
What if he gets himself in trouble? What if he gets himself hurt? Because of me?
The thought tore her to shreds. She couldn’t allow that to happen. But what could she possibly do? She couldn’t very well approach him and tell him that everything she’d told him was a lie. Could she?
“Oh, heavens, this is maddening,” she murmured as she paced her room. So was talking to herself about such a matter when it was clear she didn’t have the answers. How great would it have been to have her mother with her at times like these? Her wisdom always managed to steer Matilda in the right direction. Matilda needed someone to talk to about this, but Louisa was indisposed.
Slowly, Matilda made her way over to the door. It was the dead of night so the slight swoosh of the door opening sounded as long as horns. She slipped out of her room and closed the door behind her, pausing a moment to allow her eyes to adjust to the hallway lacking moonlight. Once she thought she could see well enough, Matilda tiptoed her way down the hall. There was little chance of anyone waking from her slippered feet padding over the carpeted ground but she couldn’t help herself.
Once she arrived at the door she sought, Matilda pressed her ear to the wood and knocked lightly. She knew there was little chance of her being awake, but still she whispered, “Elizabeth?”
For a few moments, there was silence. Matilda nearly turned away until she heard, “Matilda?” come from the other side.
She pushed the door open and peeked in. Elizabeth was sitting on the side of her bed in her nightgown. Her hair was loose, tumbling around her shoulders under the glow of the moonlight. In that moment, unsmiling and frowning, she looked like a faerie of their governess’ old tales. But in the next moment, she smiled slightly. “Matilda? Whatever are you doing up?”
“I should be asking you the same question,” Matilda said as she slipped into the room. “It’s nearing dawn, Elizabeth. Shouldn’t you be sleeping?”
“I was having bad dreams. I was trying to clear my head before going back to sleep.”
Matilda made her way over to her sister and sat beside her on the bed. “I hope those dreams don’t have anything to do with the Duke?”
“You would be hoping wrong, sister dear,” Elizabeth said with a sigh. She gazed out the window, her eyes growing distant. “Ever since I saw him at the last ball, I haven’t been able to get him out of my head. I haven’t been able to get what happened out of my head.”
“You should forget about it, Elizabeth,” Matilda said, softly but firmly. It was the only thing she wished for—for her sister to overcome the nightmares of her past.
Well, perhaps not the only thing I wish for.
“I can’t,” Elizabeth said with a shake of her head. Her lips twitched into a forlorn smile. “I have a son, Matilda. Sometimes, I can’t believe it myself, but it’s true. That horrible, horrible ordeal brought me the best thing in my life. And I can’t even claim him as my own.”
“You know what they will say, Elizabeth. You won’t ever see your dreams coming true if they learn that you bore a son when unwed.”
“My dreams…” Elizabeth huffed a silent, mirthless laugh. It pained and scared Matilda to see her like this. Her smiling, optimistic sister viewing the world through such dark lenses. “Don’t you think my dreams are rather selfish, Matilda?”
“Elizabeth, don’t think like that. How could they be selfish? It’s something that you want, something you’ve always wanted.”
“And because of it, so many people are suffering. Just look at you and Father. Look at Mother. My dear, sweet son won’t be able to go out into the world and call me mother because I wanted to marry well. How is that not selfish?”
“Elizabeth.” Matilda took her hands in hers, looking her in the eyes. The gaze that burned back at her was so solemn and sad that it broke her heart to see it. “You are a beautiful soul and you deserve the world. The Duke took advantage of your innocence and he abandoned you. You aren’t to blame for that and you shouldn’t have to give up everything you’ve ever wanted because of his actions. We made our decisions on our own and there’s nothing more any of us would love than to see you happy and in love with your new family. Jackson will be taken care of, Elizabeth. You don’t have to worry about him.”
“Oh, Matilda.” The tears came suddenly, large droplets falling from her long, thick lashes and unto her nightgown. Matilda gathered her into her arms as she sobbed. “I thought I loved him. Did you know that? When everything was happening, I truly believed I loved him and I thought he loved me. What he did broke my heart. I thought I would never love again.”
“You don’t have to apologize for it, Elizabeth. You should never apologize for loving someone.”
“I should apologize to you at least, shouldn’t I?” She pulled away, watery eyes imploring. “For putting everything you’ve wanted for yourself aside for me.”
“I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.” Matilda gave her a smile and brushed her tears away. “Now, no more crying. We don’t want your face to be too red and puffy in the morning.”
“Heavens, Father will have a fit if he sees that.”
“That he will.”
Elizabeth chuckled, sniffling just a little. “It won’t be so bad, you know.”
“What’s that?”
“Not having what I wanted. Not marrying well. Not having the family I’ve always dreamed of. I simply want to be happy and I can’t be happy if the people around me aren’t.” Before Matilda had the chance to respond to that, Elizabeth was moving on, “What about you, Matilda? Why are you by my room so late at night? Don’t tell me you heard my lone
ly sighs all the way from your bedchambers?”
“Oh, was that you I heard? Silly me. I thought it was perhaps a bird of some sorts.”
The laugh Elizabeth let out was much more joyful. “You always know how to make me laugh.”
“I’m happy I could be of service.”
“Now, out with it.”
Matilda blinked at her sister’s suddenly serious tone. “I … well, I—”
“Matilda?”
She sighed. She had come to her sister’s bedchambers hoping to speak her mind to her. Matilda had planned to lay it all out, everything that had been happening between her and Timothy and was hoping she would get useful advice. Elizabeth had a way of doling them out without noticing herself. But now that she had the chance to speak, Matilda didn’t know how to start.
The Scandalous Secret 0f The Tempting Duchess (Steamy Historical Regency Romance) Page 21
